Tuesday, July 24, 2012

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: Season Finale!!

Jef is totally thinking: make it stop, make it stop.
Honestly, I'm still recovering from Sunday night's bachelorette finale. What a shit show.  The episode starts with Chris Harrison and a live studio audience hanging out in that freezing cold studio in Burbank that I know all too well after being there for a 12 hour taping of the Men Tell All (Ali Fedetosky's season).  I'm really not sure how I feel about Harrison and ABC acknowledging the tragedy in Aurora, Colorado.  It just seems a little out of place and it makes me feel even shittier for spending three hours of my life watching this crap.  But, spoiler alert, I didn't change the channel.  CUT TO Curacao and cue the false suspense.  Emily wanders around the island and says things like how she never thought she'd be in love with two people and she has no idea who she'll end up with.   Hmmm...then you might not want to say yes to a marriage proposal in two days.

Just when we thought we got rid of Little Ricki for good, she returns from what I'm assuming was a stint in kiddie rehab.  Clearly, Princess Ricki got wind of the money being spent on her mother's atrocious wardrobe and demanded to wear some cuter outfits, because beeotch was totally channeling Suri Cruise in this episode.  There's a few obligatory shots of Hood Rat swimming in the pool with Little Ricki so that we can think she's actually interested in being a mom.

Emily's backwoods family arrives to meet her two suitors.  Gay Marty Mormon McFly is the first to meet them.  Some of you have been telling me that gay McFly is not gay.  He's just a hipster or a fashion mormon.  Okay, maybe you're right and Jef actually likes pussy BUT after looking at a few hipster pics of him on the internet, I think it's safe to say that Queen Emily of Charlotte would so totally not be his type.  I'm sorry, but hipsters want to date waif types who wear 1950s style dresses in a totally un-ironic way.  They want girls that listen to LCD Soundsystem NOT Rascal Flatts.  Jef wants a Zooey Deschanel type, not a Carrie Underwood.  You heard it here first.

The best part of Jef meeting Emily's family is when her mom (who btw, totally looks like she works for the psychic friends network) mentions that Queen Emily wants someone who will wait on her hand and foot.  Em's quick to shut her mom up, but I totally believe it.  I mean, remember when her mom brought her breakfast in bed cause she was so tired from a long night of drinking pinot grigio and flirting with douche bags?  Hood Rat West Virginia may seem sweet, but anyone who wears that much make up is totally high maintenance.  Jef gets the third degree from Em's mom who tells him that he has all the things that Em wants in a husband (i.e. MONEY).  Then Jef has to have a sit down chat with Em's brother Ernie (not to be mistaken with the Sesame Street character).  I've kind of got a soft spot for old Ernie.  He's really protective of his sister and he's clearly team Big Ricky.  Hearing him talk about Em's dead fiancĂ© just makes me realize how sick and wrong this whole thing is.  It totally spits in the face of the relationship she had with Ricky.  Later, Jef asks Em's dad for her hand in marriage and Em's dad seriously looks like he wants to repeatedly punch him in the face while calling him a pansy.  But in a surprising move, he gives him his blessing.  I guess the pansy scene was cut out by Broadcast Standards & Practices.

As though sitting through a three hour finale wasn't bad enough, the show tortures us by constantly cutting to Chris Harrison and the live studio audience.  WTF.  Is this guy a talk show host now?  Harrison is such a renaissance man.  And what's with the girl with the really hip platinum blonde haircut in the audience?  She's way too cute and stylish to be watching a show like The Bachelorette.  She would be perfect for Jef (or as our very own Sassy Pants likes to call him "what the one F.")

Next, it's Arie's turn to meet Em's family.  He seems a little awkward and nervous and unlike Jef, he did not bring flowers for Em's mom and future sister in law.  Major party foul.  Em's family stares at him like he's an alien visiting from Pluto until Arie presents them with a SUPER SWEET gift.  Or super cheesy, depending on how you look at it.  He gives them a wooden box filled with...not weed, but all the roses Emily gave him.  Ugh, I'm such a sucker for any form of sentiment.  And so is Em's family.  The gift totally wins them over.  Watching Arie do the whole song and dance with Em's parents and rough-n-tumble Ernie just reminds me of one of those terrible job interviews where you're required to meet with five different people before getting hired.  Arie even manages to get Ernie to crack a smile and he also gets Jim-Bob's blessing to marry Emily.  I have no idea if Em's dad's name is Jim-Bob, but he looks like a Jim-Bob.

Right now, I'm totally team Arie.  He's looking really hot in navy blue and he actually seems really into Emily.  With Jef, I still get a stiff/awkward vibe and I'm not totally convinced he's really in love with her.  But then Arie says something about how he knows he and Emily are going to get engaged and I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Everyone knows the guy who's ultra-confident always gets dumped at the end.  It's like Bachelorette rule numero uno!

Emily and her family debrief the whole meet and greet and Em says she's not sure if the guys should meet Little Ricki and her mom advises her to hold off on getting engaged.  Good advice, psychic mama!  I totes agree!

I REALLY think it's wrong for Emily to let any of the guys meet Little Ricki on camera, especially after the whole Brad Womack debacle.  But I would not be surprised if there's a salary bump in her contract if she agrees to have her kid meet the guys on camera.   You can just tell all of these middle-aged moms in the live studio audience think Hood Rat is the best mom ever, but seriously-- what is good about allowing your six year old, whose father tragically died in a plane crash, to meet some guy you've been dating on a reality TV show for three months on camera??

Gay McFly and Emily have their last date together and we basically have to watch them hang out on the beach and discuss whether or not he gets to meet the golden child.  Em seems to be leaning more towards him not meeting her, but I swear Jef basically peer pressured her or brainwashed her into making it happen.  Those mormons are so darn sneaky!  He was so all about it, that I'm beginning to think Jef is secretly a HUGE little Ricki fan and that's actually the only reason he came on this show.  I should have known when he called her a Chloe handbag!  After about thirty seconds of Jef saying he wants to meet Emily Junior, Emily relents.  The worst part is, when they arrive at the hotel pool where Little Ricki is running the show and screaming at her nannies-- Em reveals that Little Ricki does not know Jef is coming.

WHAT?  They're going to do a sneak attack?  She's not even going to sit this kid down and tell her what the deal is?  Jef finally gets his wish and meets the kid.  I'm seriously waiting for him to ask for an autograph.  We're forced to sit through a few awkward scenes of Jef being "silly" and swimming with Little Ricki.  SO...not only does the girl get a surprise visit from some strange dude, but she also has to be in a bikini around the guy.  Little Ricki basically spends the whole time speaking in tongues (seriously, do you guys ever understand anything this kid says??) and pretending to bond with this strange man she's never met.

Side note: everyone keeps saying how funny Jef is, but I don't see it.  Just because he played with marionettes once does not make him funny!  In fact, it makes him creepy.  Marionettes are fucking weird.  If Em wants funny then she should date that guy who showed up in the first episode dressed as a grandma.  (I believe his name was Randy).

Later that night, Jef comes over to Emily's place and gives her one of the lamest presents ever.  It's literally a book on Curacao that he bought in the hotel lobby and then drew stick figures in.  I really think this guy is starting to realize that he might be the winner of this stupid show and he's making a last ditch effort to get Emily to love Arie more than him.  Emily sends him home with a kiss and we get some very ridiculous shot of Gay McFly standing in the rain all serious.  I'm pretty sure he's as surprised as we are that he made it this far.  Also, side note: it's one thing if you're saving yourself for marriage, but it's a little weird to do that with someone when you're clearly not a virgin (I mean, the woman has a child.  We all know she's had sex).  Is Emily really going to get engaged to a guy without making sure he doesn't prefer to stick it in her butthole for the rest of their lives?

The next morning, Chris Harrison arrives to give Emily a therapy session, because he's clearly a trained psychiatrist.  I love how Emily pretends that Chris Harrison is her first choice when it comes to asking for advice.  Who else would they have her talk to besides the host of the show?  Dr. Phil?  Dr. Drew?  Dr. Pepper?  Anyway, at this point, I think we all pretty much see the writing on the wall.  Emily is taking a page from Ali Fedowhatever's book and dumping Arie before he has an opportunity to get down on one knee and propose to her.  She does her paralysis of the face cry and Chris tries to pretend he cares and tells her she's making the right decision.

I would like to take a moment to analyze the Arie-Jef choice, because seriously-- I don't think any of us thought this was the guy she'd end up with:
Em's choice came down to two things: money and family.  Jef is the wealthiest of all the contestants.  And we saw that ranch his parents owned in Utah.  Also, you can't exactly be a poor guy and start a company like his.  He clearly paid for People Water with mommy and daddy's money.  Speaking of parents, I really think Emily had a problem with Arie's mom and that his family was way too Euro for her taste.  That's when the scales tipped in Jef's favor.  Sean was an insurance salesman.  He never really stood a chance.

What I don't understand is why Em keeps calling Jef EDGY.  The guy is mormon.  How much edge could he possibly have?  I'm guessing he doesn't drink (did we ever see him drink on the show) or smoke or take drugs.  He has about as much edge as a cabbage patch doll.

Of course, if it wasn't bad enough that Arie's about to get dumped early--- they opt not to let the guy know right away in his hotel room, but instead send him on the date to meet with some Miss Cleo lady that teaches him to make a love potion.  The show throws in a ton of moments of him saying how he and Em are madly in love and are going to get engaged.  Watching this is like getting water boarded.  But I'm also really hoping he makes the love potion super fast and dumps it all over Emily and she comes to her senses and picks him.  Or that he at least spills it all over Miss Cleo and they run off and have cute little Carribean babies together.  But none of that happens.  Instead, Queen Emily arrives and after a few torturous minutes of Arie making her sniff the love potion, she tells him they are dunzo.

Arie is completely shocked-- I'm guessing, because he's never been dumped before in his life.  The best part about this sequence is that he's not super nice about getting the boot.  But I really wish he lost his shit even more.  Bottom line: there were probably ways that Em could have clued him in at some point that he wasn't the one and she never did.  I don't buy that she didn't know, because I'm telling you-- the second she met his mother-- she was totally over him.  He rides off in an SUV and begins to talk about how stupid he feels.

Here's the deal people that go on The Bachelorette.  No matter what happens or what you do or how you act, you're already stupid because you went on a freaking reality dating show.  There was no avoiding the stupid so just embrace it.

I do feel really bad for Arie.  I definitely liked him more than Jef...but I also think Emily is super boring and a little dumb and is basically only interesting when she's being a bitch to Kalon.  So, at the end of the day, Arie is better off.  And you just know one of these days Little Ricki is gonna go Linda Blair Exorcist on Jef's ass.  All that aside,  when they cut back to the studio audience-- we may as well have been at a memorial service for the victims in Aurora.  The looks on these people's faces was priceless.  This lady looks like she's just been told her entire family died:

I actually kind of miss the days where we had to wait 'til the very end of the show to find out who the winner was.  Now, we have forty five minutes of total filler.  Neil Fucking Lane shows up to show Marty McGay what the one F a bunch of ugly diamond rings, while he contemplates whether he should propose to Emily.  We even have to sit through Chris Harrison interviewing former Bachelor contestants in the studio audience.  UGH.  There's nothing I hate more than former reality TV contestants.  Can't these people move on and get a life???  I will say, Cupcake has actually grown on me though and I love me some JP, so I guess it wasn't a total waste.

There's a ton more false suspense about whether Emily will say yes to a marriage proposal.  I'm really hoping she'll make the smart decision here and take things slow (for the sake of her daughter at least) but after she allowed McFly to meet Little Ricki, I'm not so sure that's going to happen.  I will say that I did like Fashion Mormon's suit a lot, but other than that I'm just not a fan.  I know some of you love him for some weird reason, but his personality was kind of blah this season.  And allow me to remind you that he was the guy that uttered:

I WANT TO DATE YOU SO HARD AND MARRY THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.

Anyway, let's cut to the chase.  Jef arrives in his edgy suit and Emily is in yet another dress that is possibly really ugly or really pretty.  She tells Jef she loves him, that he's the only guy that met Little Ricki, and that she's already sent Arie packing.  Jef says some shit about God and then basically gets down on one knee and proposes.  So, he just asked a woman to marry him that has NEVER met his parents.  After about ten seconds of Emily pretending to contemplate what she should say, Hood Rat Backwoods West Virginia says...

YES.

IDIOT.  I'm literally willing to bet my ovaries that these two do not stay together.  I give it two years, tops.  The worst, most cringe-worthy part about this whole thing is that Little Ricki comes running out (in a super hip outfit and side ponytail) and the three frolic off together.  Okay, so how did that conversation go?  Hey, Little Ricki...you know that guy that went swimming with you for like five minutes the other day?  Well, he's gonna be your new dad.  Then we go into a giant montage to the song Glory of Love by Peter Cetera (best. song. ever.)  Jef's hipster cred is totally ruined by it-- unless hipsters love Peter Cetera in an ironic way.

THE END.

Okay, here are some quick thoughts on After the Final Rose.

Emily looks like she's gotten even more botox.  She says that the ring means nothing to her and she could be wearing tape around her finger and she would be happy.  I call bullshit.  You know what kind of girls say stuff like that?  Girls that are engaged to rich men.  Arie comes out and he looks super hot and really sad and I have to remind myself that he dodged a bullet with Queen Emily and unintelligible Little Ricki.  We learn that Arie was so upset after he got dumped by Emily that he flew to North Carolina to see her...but he chickened out.  So, he did what every guy in his position would do.  He left his journal on Emily's doorstep.  I'm so confused.  These are grown men we're talking about that have lived in the real world and have had real relationships.  Why do they think it's socially acceptable to journal...let alone give a girl their journal?  But to add salt in the wound, fucking Emily brings the journal back in a sealed envelope and says she didn't read it....because....it wouldn't have been fair to Jef.  Um, that's like a triple burn.  And I could respect her decision, but then Arie references how when they talked on the phone while he was in Charlotte, she told him to leave the journal on her doorstep.  He basically calls her out on the fact that she shouldn't have asked him to do that if she was never going to read it anyway.  Go Arie, go go go Arie!

Em says she needs to learn to be more direct.

Please God, Please..if you do exist, can you please please please make it so that Emily one day walks in on Arie and Jef in bed together?!  Maybe that was what was in his journal that he wanted her to see!  This whole not reading the journal that contains the truth is like a super bad episode of Downton Abbey.

Then comes my least favorite part of the After the Final Rose.  The whole watching the couple gush about how in love they are.  Was it just me or did Chris Harrison have that classic gritted teeth look on his face?  You know the one...where you have to pretend you're all happy for someone, but you're actually totally annoyed by them.  Other observations:

Jef looked super orange.

The BLOW OFF's good friend Ross once told me that if a guy refers to his girlfriend or wife as his best friend way too often, it means he's probably gay.  There was much best friend talk between Jefily.

Jef and Em claim they have been seeing each other every weekend, but Jef lets slip that he's only spent ONE weekend with Little Ricki (did anyone else catch that)?

Jef and Em are going to Africa together to build wells.   Um, is McFly gonna pay for her hair and make up people to come too or what?

Jef is going to be moving to Charlotte (where they will be living separately).  HAHAHAHAHA.  Remember how Hood Rat told him she'd be happy to move to Utah.  Bitch lied!

When Harrison asks them about wedding plans, they said they don't have anything set in stone...except that the wedding would be in Charleston. When Emily adds that she wants a spring wedding, this was the look on Jef's face:
ENOUGH SAID.



5 comments:

  1. I think she means Jef's a freak in the sheets when she says he's "edgy". Maybe the "edge" is Jef's sexual liberation/possible sexual interest in other men. If you're not into sex (Emily), being married to a rich, freaky, closet homosexual with great taste in men (he did pick Arie out of the bunch for a BFF) who showers you in public romantic statements is a dream come true.

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  2. Wow, bitter much?

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    1. Yes, I am extremely bitter. Bitter that my husband and I got to know each other in a meaningful way over the courses of six years off camera before we got married. Instead, I wish we had met on a reality TV show in front of cameras where I got paid a lump sum by a major television network and showed him my love by handing him roses at the end of every episode after measuring his wealth against 25 other guys. Why anonymous, why couldn't i have had Emily's love story???

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  3. Unlike Emily, who knew she never picked Sean but pressured him to say "i love you" then dumped him. (arie and jef already told me they love me but sean hasn't said anything... Jeez taling about self centered bitch). You can tell by the kisses, Emily did not tone down those kisses with all her final 3 guys. Ashley was very transparent. She only gave Ben pecks and Jp got those french kisses. Emily had no problem tonguing down all her final 3 guys.

    I believe Ashley wanted to bring Constantine further and let Ben go next but Constantine left which left her with no option. She then actually wanted to pull an Ali (what Em did with Arie also) with ben but producers made sure that was not going to happen 2 seasons in a row.

    I like it very much that Cupcake has grown on you. I think she is a very kind-hearted,selfless girl who was too normal and real for this show and naive and honest to be manipulated and exploited by ABC.

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  4. And no I am not Ashley's friend or family member, just a bad reality TV addict who got sucked again in this stupid show last summer when i watched Ashley and Jp falling in love. All the negativity toward Ashley made me want to do some "research" about the show to understand how editing and production had a hand in how the season is played out. I even had some DMs through twitter with bentley a couple times and even he said he liked Ashley, that Ashley was his fav but he could not say any thing more than that

    All bloggers keep talking about how fantastic Emily is as the bachelorette but look at her taste in men...well i say Ashley probably has the last laugh.

    Here's an interview Ashley did during her season, just in case you care to read. I don't know, when you said in your blog cupcake has grown on you, it made me want to share. Something about Ashley makes her very endearing to me. I can't stand Emily. Unfortunately America don't see through her hood rat nature.

    http://articles.philly.com/2011-07-17/news/29783714_1_ashley-hebert-comedy-club-penn-campus

    Julie

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