Wednesday, July 18, 2012

the bachelorette MEN TELL ALL: top ten best moments

Since the Men Tell All is a total B.S. filler episode, we just don't think it's deserving of a long, well thought out recap.  So, instead, we'll spare everyone by just writing up the top ten list of the best moments from the episode.  Sadly, Party MC's flavor saver did not make the list.

10.  Two words: Chris. Harrison.  The men tell all episode just wouldn't be the same without those cutaways to Harrison every five minutes, who pretty much looks like he wants to tie all the guys up, cut off their balls, spray paint them silver, and sell them on Etsy as Christmas ornaments.  Seriously, though.  You know you're dealing with a group of douche bags when Harrison comes off as the least offensive, most rational, eligible bachelor of all.   I'm willing to bet that after the twelve hours it took to tape this episode, he went home, drank a glass of scotch and congratulated himself for hosting one of the most tired reality TV franchises instead of being one of the losers that's actually a contestant on the show.  I mean, did you see how much he relished telling Roid-rage Ryan that he would NEVER be the bachelor?  Also, Harrison has more chemistry with Queen Emily than the 25 bachelors combined.  He's totally gone down on hood rat at least twice.

9.  Tony getting up to give Emily a hug when she came out on stage.  Um, what?  Get out of here, Tony.  You left like three episodes in.  You were way too into Kermit the Frog and Queen Emily practically pushed you out the door to go back to your son.  How dare you think you're significant enough to be the guy that gives Emily a hug when she walks out?!  Clearly, being on the Bachelor Pad has gone straight to your head.

8.  Anytime Sean speaks.  Seriously.  I know ABC is going after Roberto to be the next bachelor, but he was so four seasons ago....and he sweats a lot.  I get that Sean is super boring, but the ladies in the audience practically had simultaneous orgasms any time the man opened his mouth.  My favorite thing about Sean is that when he speaks, I can almost believe that I'm watching a very thoughtful, serious show on PBS exploring the highs and lows of relationships.  Also, I think it's really cute that his mom told him it was good for him to get his heart broken.  How do I get her to write an advice column for the blow off?!

7. When Polish, bobble-head Chris found a way to relate his dead friends to his experience on the Bachelorette and how it all means life is short.  He totally got choked up and you guys know how much I love it when dudes cry.  I can't believe the guy had dead friends and he never used them to gain sympathy points with Emily!  This is a woman whose dead fiance made her America's Reality TV sweetheart.  She would have been all about it!  Honestly, where were all the dead relatives in this season??   No one had a dead anybody.  Ben F had a dead dad.  Chris L had a dead mom.  It's a total rip off when no one talks about being sad over the tragic death of someone they love!  I want symbolic rainbows and hummingbirds, ABC!

6.  The evolution of Kalon's face.  The guy needs to stop with the collagen and botox injections.  He's about two false moves away from becoming Bruce Jenner.

5.  That really awful clip of Emily and Travis singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star to Shelly the egg.  This scene was such a tease, because again I was hoping that the egg would crack and a baby dragon would emerge and Emily would get naked and curl up in the fire place while screaming about having dragon blood.  If you don't watch Game of Thrones, the above sentence means nothing to you.

4.  The Bachelor Pad promo.  As though this show isn't skeezy and gross enough, ABC has decided to throw in "super fans" to compete against former bachelor contestants for $250,000.  Hmmmm...let me get this straight.  So, they're going to throw in a bunch of people I don't know to compete against a bunch of other people I don't know for money?  Sounds like a genius idea.  I LOVE how the former bachelor people are appalled that these nobodies are going to be on the show.  Pot, meet Kettle.   Despite my sorrow for not being invited to compete as a super fan, I might actually have to watch this show.  I need to know how Lindze and serial killer Kalon hook up.  I also want to know the identity of the third woman bobble headed Chris makes out with (who I can't believe I ever thought was the front-runner, he's clearly a douche from watching the clips), and finally I really need to know if Blakely wins the $250K and leaves the Bunny Ranch once and for all.

3. RYAN.  Watching Ryan get interviewed by Chris Harrison really made me wish that the guy had made it to the bottom two.  I'm not being ironic.  He's so entertaining.  Just think about how fun it would have been to meet his family.  The man is like a freaking messiah.  If you are reading this and you happen to be a Christian evangelist with your own public access cable show, I highly recommend hiring Ryan as a televangelist preacher.   In honor of Ryan, every time I see a fat person I'm going to tell them I wouldn't love on them.

2.  The guys that have no business even being on the Men Tell All show and don't utter a single word the entire time, because most of them got kicked off in the first two episodes and we don't even know who they are.  Yes, this means you: JOE, NATE, AARON, and the guy who dressed up like a grandma when he met Emily.  I was a little disappointed we didn't get to see Brent, the 40 year old from Fresno with six kids again.  HOLD UP: someone start a facebook fan page for Brent to be the next bachelor!

1. White Trash, backwoods, hood rat, west Virginia made yet another appearance!  First of all, Em thinks it's wrong to take three guys into fantasy suites to fuck them, but that it's okay to constantly say FUCK on national television?  Oh no she didn't!  Where is the logic in that?  How is that setting a good example for Little Ricki?  And how awesome is it every time she tells Kalon off?  ABC should have a new reality show where Kalon and Emily and Little Ricki all have to live together in a glass house and we get to watch Emily constantly tell Kalon he's awful, while Kalon stutters, and Little Ricki makes a face to the camera and mimes shooting herself in the head.  I'm not gonna lie, every time Emily tells Kalon he's a piece of shit, I kind of start to like her.  And it's not even because I hate Kalon that much.  It's because I love the trailer park side of her.  The best part was when she called Kalon out on his tweets about her and Kalon said he was flattered she was following him on Twitter.

Anyway, I can't wait to watch the finale next Sunday.  I predict that Jef is the winner, but that he and Emily do not get engaged.  Although, Arie has a bunch of tweets about how beautiful Emily is and I'm not sure he would do that if she didn't pick him.  I'm so confused!  What do you guys think is going to happen???


  1. Right on--I loved watching Emily call Kalon out again! Doesn't it feel like about 99% of the time she seems like a total idiot but then there's that tricky 1% where she's totally on it, like her shooting Kalon down super fast? For a second I'm like, "Whaaaa?!!" and sit up straight like there's a new discovery! Then she opens her mouth again and turns right back into an idiot. In any case, I've got to tune in Sunday to see if she has one last tiny moment of clarity. Or not.

  2. I think that Ryan is actually the most practical, intelligent, most un-cliched speaker on the show. What he says is right. People SHOULD go on the show to see if Emily's the right one as well -- not just assume that she is because she's the only option. I give him credit for totally grilling her on who she is as a person and what he's looking for. I think Ryan and I would make good drinking buddies. Or grooming buddies. We spend about the same amount of time in the bathroom looking at ourselves and making sure each strand of hair is perfect.