Monday, August 13, 2012

Alcoholism is Relative if you're good in bed

We all make excuses if the sex is good, right? Who cares if he's assistant manager at a Walmart, he could be manager one day. I guess I don't mind that he snores like a freight train and lets the Golden Retriever join us in bed — he gives good head.

Some excuses are valid. I mean, if you aren't thinking "house in Pasadena with two kids and an Audi" and there's no one you're hanging out with who fits that bill, you might as well have a good time while you wait, right? That's what I thought. Jimmy (we'll call him that because to my knowledge I've never slept with a Jimmy and if I have, he likely doesn't remember me as I don't remember him and since this blog post is going to be incriminating I'd like to keep names out it) was the perfect no strings attached kind of guy. I knew where he lived, I knew what he did, I met his roommate, we had a good time watching half of Labyrinth one night. Perfect. I'd seen his last name but I didn't really know how to say it and one time when he mentioned Billy, I didn't know who the hell he was talking about (his twin brother). Boyfriends know these things, I was just a hookup. He could have had $1.75 in the bank and a warrant out for his arrest in Topeka - I didn't give a fuck.

At least I thought I didn't.

Jimmy liked to drink. Not slamming back shots on a Friday night drink. A couple whiskey diets over lunch drink. The sort of drunk who says he can't meet for a quickie on his lunch break because he's drunk, but swears it's cuz his boss took them all out for a "wet lunch" so it's "soooo not my fault."

You ignore the fact that when you show up with takeout for a night in bed, he's hiccuping when he answers the door. And that before breakfast, a shower, or a trip to the bathroom happen in the morning, he greets the day with two excedrin.

I know, I know. What kind of Less Than Zero shit is this? I didn't care — he had no off switch and abs like a gymnast. So, you deal.

Then he suggested a weekend away — in the desert. He'd drive if I got the hotel.

What's the problem, right? 24 hours. That's 24 hours of good sex.

Do you have any idea how much a hard core alcoholic drinks in 24 hrs? The bottle of Svedka was gone BEFORE WE CHECKED IN. And I didn't have any. At dinner, when the bill came, it was over 100 dollars — and we had burgers.

That's when I ran into my old co-worker Tim. Tim was blonde, Tim was hot, Tim was married - to a woman. I missed him. I hugged him. He was good people.

"Why don't you just screw him in the middle of the dance floor?"

Huh, what? Who, him? "He's just a friend."

Drunks hate that line. Drunks hate every line unless it's coke (which is what he busted out on the walk to find a cab - on the streets, really? on the streets?). Drunks don't believe a word you say. And so I was in trouble.

I decided the best thing to do was to head back to the hotel and call it a night. He'd sober up if he slept it off and then we could leave in the morning.

Drunks don't like to go to bed mad. Drunks don't like to go to bed until they've slurred the same line of non-sensible crap at you 1,000 times, never once making any kind of point other than, "I'm a drunk."

Hardcore drunks can't even get it up, so my only reason for even being around this guy was completely gone too. What to do, what to do? Somewhere between him taking a swig of gin (which I didn't even know he'd packed) in the hotel room closet and him seeing if a lamp flew like a football when it was aimed at my head, I decided that the best idea would be to throw him the fuck out of the hotel room and find my own way back to Los Angeles. Which is what I did.

Another thing about drunks. They have bad balance, can't stumble to their feet in time to stop a slamming hotel room door and hotel managers don't much care for them.

Alone in a hotel room at 10:35pm - pathetic. At least "Rizzoli and Isles" was on.

You can make some exceptions if the sex is good, but if you have to endure the "Leaving Las Vegas" of all weekend getaways to get it, you're better off with a 5 minute shower and an evening of Angie Harmon.

Drunk guy blown off.


  1. you are my hero for kicking this guy out of your hotel room! you can find out a lot about people you date from going on vacation or hotel stays. all the demons seem to come out.

  2. and hotel sex is the BEST sex ever!