Wednesday, August 8, 2012

friends don't let friends drink and date

Looking back on some of the BIGGEST dating mistakes I have ever made, most of them occurred while I was drinking. I know, I know, that's not an excuse...but actually it totally is. And in my defense, some of my best dating decisions were also made while I was drinking...just ask the guy I married. But generally speaking, drinking and dating can be a deadly combination. Not to mention it can also lead to whiskey dick and vodka vagina. What was that? You've never heard of vodka vagina? Then...I'm guessing you've never had it. Okay, fine it's not a thing, I totally made it up cause it sounds funny.

So, without further adieu, here are the top ten worst things I've done while drinking and dating:

10. Threw myself at and kissed a co-worker at a Halloween party...after starting a new job. He very nicely rejected me. We're still friends, but at the time it was pretty humiliating and would have been a semi-scandal if he returned my advances. Luckily, one of my friends also made a drunken mistake that night that totally trumped mine. Yay for drunk friends!

9. Stroked way too many...EGOS. When I get drunk, for some reason, I like to tell guys how great and cute and wonderful they are. I thought I was being cute and forward, but I think it just scared them off. (see #10) I'm sure my husband is reading this and thinking that this is totally not the case and I actually get kind of bitchy and hostile when I'm drunk. (see #8)

8. I'm generally not an angry drunk, but for some reason after two glasses of wine, I have a habit of broaching sensitive relationship issues with the life partner. And I did this when we were dating too. In the beginning of our relationship, he thought I was so cool and low maintenance and then once he was in too deep, I revealed I was actually drunk dramatic girl. Which would also be my super hero name.

7. I shat where I ate. Don't worry, not literally. I was drunk and lonely and lived next door to a cute boy and I knocked on his door with some really lame excuse. We hooked up which would have been super exciting...except that he wasn't into me and then it was just incredibly awkward every time we ran into each other. Especially the time he knocked on my door in his underwear...purely to ask me to turn down my stereo. I told myself he was too cocky and stuck up for me anyway, but then on Halloween he dressed up as an Oompa Loompa and I was in love again. (Yes, this is the same guy I friend requested on Facebook a couple years ago, who asked me who I was.)

6. I snuggle cheated. This is when you are drunk enough to snuggle and spoon with another person in bed, but not drunk enough to actually screw their brains out. Unless we did screw each other's brains out and I was just too drunk to ever remember it. It was in college, anything was possible.

5. In a moment of drunken frustration, I told a former boyfriend I was in love with him. Which might not be that bad, except we never said "i love you" while we were dating. I don't really ever think it's a good idea for a girl to drop the L bomb first, but definitely not with a guy who used to be your boyfriend and is pretty much avoiding you in the present-day.

4. The good old drunk and dial. After a bad first date and a lot of cocktails somewhere in the vicinity of Valentine's Day, I called an ex...hoping we could commiserate about how we hadn't found anyone else since our break up. The only problem was his new girlfriend was at his apartment the whole time he was on the phone humoring me.

3. All the times I made out with gross guys I didn't like at all. This happened mostly in New York. After 3am. With guys who wore button downs and tried to explain to the workings of on a hedge fund to drunken little me.

2. The time I didn't get drunk a date. Because I had just moved to LA and (rightly so) didn't believe in drinking and driving. So instead, I went on a drinking and driving tirade while on a first date with a guy I was really into, which then evolved into why New York is so much cooler than LA. Now that I've lived in LA for seven years, I hate people like 2005 me, And I'm pretty sure that guy hated me too, because he never asked me on a second date. I should have just gotten a cab and gotten shit-faced, I think he would have at least taken me out to a proper dinner. There is a silver lining here: the weekend I was depressed over the fact that he never called me was the same weekend I had a drunken hook up...with the h-bomb. See, I totally learned my lesson about sobriety and dating. It's even worse than drunk dating.

1. The time I almost got raped. Okay, not really. But I was visiting friends in Santa Cruz and left a party we were at with a hippie looking Brad Pitt who wanted to walk to a Safeway a couple miles away to buy a 40. My friends didn't know where I was and drove all around the city looking for me. I did end up making out with hippie Brad Pitt in an alley way...which would have been oddly romantic if he didn't say "I promise I won't rape you" right before he kissed me. At least he kept his word.
All in all, these are pretty tame (see #6). I don't have any "I got drunk and shat the bed while sleeping with a married senator" stories. So...if you guys want to make me feel like even more of a prude, comment below with your crazy drunk dating tales.


7 comments:

  1. Vodka Vagina is real!!!! It's when you have sex with someone you know you shouldn't but you're super horny from drinking.

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  2. omg, genius! And here i thought i just made it up. there needs to be some public service announcements for that.

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  3. And I always just thought I was charming. Nope, vodka vagina. There goes my self esteem.

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  4. saara I feel like there needs to be an entire post dedicated to vodka vagina.

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    1. i think you are totally the person to write it! i love that idea!

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  5. The love of my life broke up with me I got drunk, with someone id been on a few casual dates with. Made out than said god I love u f×@k me jim.... his name was chris. Needless to say I went home n never was talked to again lol

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