Monday, August 27, 2012

How to Respond to the Late Night Text

They say nothing good happens after 2am, which loosely translated means tons of good shit happens after 2am, it's just the sort of shit you sometimes want to pretend didn't happen over brunch the next morning. Two am is when people look for after hours parties, head to a friend's house to drink, hit up iHop, if they're being responsible, head home with friends to watch a movie. Two am is also a perfectly respectable time on a Friday or Saturday to have been asleep for an hour or two. Which is what I was doing last Saturday when I got this.

TIME - 2:13 am - "Hey there, whatcha up to?"

Now I've sent that text before. And I know exactly what I was really asking when I sent it. So it's not like I'm faulting the guy who sent this. Hell, I'm flattered. The problem is I'd already been asleep for an hour and a half with my oh so attractive Proactiv sulfur mask on my face and the number came up in my phone as, just that, a number. No name, no note, nothing. This could have been anyone — and since there was no text history, someone I haven't chatted with since early June, the last time I cleared my cache.

What do I say, what do I do? I might have really liked this person and just forgotten to put their number in my phone. Maybe he was a total scuz and I deleted it for a reason. I was totally conflicted.

I had a few options — options that give you some wiggle room if ever you find yourself in this situation.

1. "hied haw r u? sooo wasited. whsat gonif onn?" - This implies you are in no condition to hop behind the wheel of a car, to entertain someone who may or may not be en route to your place as you type, and if this is the only text you send, it makes sense, because anyone drunk enough to send a text like that will, in all likelihood, be passed out moments later. Of course, come morning, you're back at square one, of not knowing who this person is, so it's just a temporary fix.

2. "I just got a new phone and none of my numbers transferred. Who is this?" - Here's the thing. We all know people who lose their phones as often as Kirstie Alley loses weight, so it's totally feasible to not have someone's number in your phone. It's also the number one excuse people use when they never bothered to put someone's number in their phone, so be prepared for the person on the other end to be offended.

3. "So tired, but send me a hot pic of you." - Of course, you have to engage them in a bit of banter first, but if you suggest you'd be up for meeting up at another time but wanna keep the game of cat and mouse going, you can land all the info you need to know if this is a booty call you want to tap again.

4. "Sure, come over. You remember where I live." - Again, after a bit of banter. Now I admit this is a dangerous game, but follow my logic. If you have one of those buildings with a gate code, this works particularly well. Invite them over. Tell them to wait at the front gate, you have to come down and get them. Now if you play it this way, you're committing yourself to one of two outcomes. The guy shows up and is hot, which means you have to be ready to invite him up for whatever happens. The guy is not, which means you have to play the ole "oh fuck, I fell asleep" card the next morning after dodging his calls.

5. "I have no idea who the hell this is cuz I'm a drunk." - Sometimes people actually respond well to the honesty, and I have used this one at least once and it worked. Try it - can't hurt.

If you really don't know what to do, ignore the text until the following AM, and then text back that you were asleep and hope all is well. If it's someone who really likes you, they'll text back, you can get on the phone, strike up a convo and see if the voice rings a bell. If it was really just a drunk text, chances are they're embarrassed and you won't hear from them again, in which case, this whole article was pointless and you probably want your five minutes back.

1 comment:

  1. don't leave me in suspense!! What did you do? Who was the booty call from? I want details.