Wednesday, August 22, 2012

when your girlfriend says _______, what she really means is _______

We've established that there is no such thing as male intuition.  We've also (I think) established that women are terrible at saying exactly what we want.  We don't like to ask for things, because we want partners who can figure out what we need on their own.  This is a terrible system that just leads to a lot of relationship confusion, a lot of unnecessary arguments, and maybe even a big fat giant BLOW OFF. Well, fear no more.  The BLOW OFF has come up with a handy nav guide for what your girlfriend really means when she says:

10.  "my friends are having a party, but it's cool if you don't want to come": it's really important to me that you like my friends and take an interest in them and even though I'm giving you an out, it's because I secretly want you to not take it and come to the party with me."

9.  "I don't need help": I like to appear independent and low maintenance, but yes.  I do need help with cleaning the house, heavy suitcases, and understanding what is happening on Game of Thrones.  It's sweet of you to ask, but what's even sweeter if you just help without being told to.

8.  "Sure, it's totally fine to cancel plans with me to hang out with your friends": I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.

7.  "Never call me again.":  I really, really, really want you to call me to tell me how much you miss me and love me."

6.  "Call me again and I'll contact the police": Call me again and I'll contact the police.

5. "I don't want to talk about it.": You better fucking apologize for what you did and we better be able to talk about it for as long as it takes for me to feel better.

4.  "Tell me about your ex-girlfriend": As in, tell me how glad you are it's over and that I'm way cooler than her in anyway.  I don't need to hear a single positive thing about her.  In my head, she looks just like Golem from Lord of the Rings.

3. "Are you mad at me?": I know I did something really shitty, but I'm sorry.  Any chance we can not make a big thing out of it?  I'm not comfortable with conflict that I've caused, because I'm used to everything being your fault.

2.  "I'm not really into Facebook": Why does your status still say "single"?

1.  "I don't feel well": I'd be more into having sex with you if you started listening to the lyrics for Sensual Seduction by Snoop Dogg instead of just asking me to go down on you.


  1. I will be handing this out as a pamphlet to all my male friends

  2. sensual seduction is just the clean radio version of sexual eruption...