Tuesday, September 18, 2012

the top ten things you want in a rebound

Rebounds are what makes the world go round. Okay, not really...but they can ease the pain of a bad break up with some meaningless sex and hopefully a few dinners out. They can also be really dangerous. If you're not careful when choosing a rebound-- you could suddenly end up A. feeling shittier about your break up OR B. In a serious relationship with someone that was just supposed to smack your ass and split their burrata appetizer.

A rebound needs to be someone that's good enough to make you feel better in the short term, but not so good that you might actually stay with them in the long term. Because going straight from one relationship to another is not healthy. So, here are the top ten characteristics that make for a good rebound.

10. A major physical flaw like man boobs or back acne or a crooked penis. Something that's just disturbing enough to keep you from wanting to look at it every day BUT not readily evident to the outside world. Hell, if you are going to run into your ex with this person, they should look pretty good with clothes on. But when you get them naked your first thought should be "I can work with this...for two to six weeks."

9. A super lame sense of humor. You don't want to a rebound that makes you laugh all the time. Laughter can be confused with happiness, happiness can be confused with love, love can be confused with together forever. Before you know it, you're marrying someone who's only good quality is that they make you giggle. All I have to say to that is: weed, Larry David, and getting your feet scrubbed during a pedicure. All things that make you laugh that you don't have to commit to for life.

8. A plane ride or one tank of gas away. A long distance rebound is def ideal, because then you don't have to see them all the time and when you do see each other it's like hanging out in this fake alternate universe that has no impact on your real life.

7. Terrible taste in music. If you can find someone that rocks out in their car to say-- Nickelback or Creed or John Mayer B sides, then there's a pretty good chance you will never get emotionally attached to them at all. Or ever have the urge to introduce them to your friends. Or ever get won over by their mixed CDS.

6. Decent middle of the road sex. It's not so bad that you curl up in a ball afterwards screaming "Why WHY?? WHY????" But not so good where you can't catch your breath afterwards and/or feel like your vagina is having a dance party. This can be tricky, because some times the sex is the best with people you're not really into. But you don't want to end up dating someone for 3+ years purely because the sex is good. Cause for all you know, that person could get into a terrible boating accident and end up paralyzed from the forehead down and then what?

5. At least one to two huge disconnects. Rebounds are one of those rare dating times where you actually want to hook up with someone that possesses a few of your deal-breakers. So...if you're an Atheist, consider finding a rebound on Christian Mingle. If you shop primarily at Anthropologie, consider trolling Christian Audigier outlets.

4. The still in the closet, straight, gay man. A rebound that's just gay enough where you could never realistically find them attractive or consider marrying them, but just in denial enough about it that they'll try to sweep you off your feet with lavish dinners and theater tickets. And they won't even groan when you just feel like staying in to watch Sex and the City reruns.

3. The guy you've already dated. But are totally not interested in at all anymore. There is some danger in this rebound, because if they make you feel like you're regressing-- well, then you just end up getting more depressed about your break up. But it can also be easier and more comfortable than finding someone completely new to get naked with. Here's what I suggest you do every time you're about to see this person. Pretend your car is a time machine. Put the key in the ignition and start singing "Come with me and you'll be in a world on pure imagination." Start the engine and play it off like you've just traveled back to 2007 and that's the only reason you're still sleeping with them.

2. Someone with an annoying pipe dream they're completely obsessed with. Like, maybe he has a decent job but he wants to be an actor. But a leading man even though his face has character actor written all over it. Or maybe he wants to be a writer, but his screenplay is awful. Or maybe he wants to be the head of some creepy religious cult. Rebounds like this are great, because they totally lack self awareness and will drive you nuts by asking you to give everyone you know their resume. It's the perfect combination of "I can only date you for three months before I will want to commit a murder-suicide."

1. Tom Cruise. Otherwise known as all of the above.


  1. I have rebounded with a #4 who is still in the closet...

  2. Until I read this I did not realize how well selected all my rebounds have been. Let's see... crooked penis, check. Mildly racist against my race, check. Sade tunes non-stop, check. In the closet gay, check. Ex boyfriend who still has a thing for me, check. Thanks for teaching me that I am, indeed, good at something and that thing is rebounds.