Monday, October 29, 2012

When Do You Know He's Not The One?

Supposedly women have good intuition.  We somehow manage to have some kind of twinge in either our stomach, our brain or our heart that guides us in one direction or the other.  But how should we rely on our intuition when it comes to love and dating?

I've been going on a lot of dates recently.  Sure, it's a night away from my DVR and free dinner and drinks, but if I'm not really into the date I probably won't go out on a second one with the guy just to go out.  If I'm going on a date I want to have fun.  That being said, sometimes I maybe close the door on these potential guys without really getting to know them because I'm not feeling "it"as quickly as I would like to.   So, when does that little feeling in our gut sometimes stab us in our back?  How many chances should we give someone we're dating before we decide it's time to call it quits.

Yes, it takes time to get to know someone and to develop feelings for them.  But shouldn't there be that initial spark where you spend hours google-ing them and thinking about what you'd name your children?  Counting down the seconds until your next date and thinking about the next time that they kiss you.  I'm aware that passion fades so you need to have a friendship at the base of your romantic relationship but if I don't feel sparks when we first go out, I'm done.

Maybe I'm too quick to judge or to find reasons why a long term relationship with my dates would inevitably not work out. One of the biggest things I fault a guy for is if he has bad jeans.  Yes, JEANS, not genes.  It's shallow but I'm certainly not going to change after 29 years.  So what should the litmus test be to decide if it's time to break things off?  Does our intuition guide us to make decisions too hastily or even continue dating someone that things won't work out with?  Or am I just way too dramatic about this whole situation and do normal people just go with the flow?  I think it's just as important to know when someone isn't "the one" so you can move on, as it is to find "the one."  What are your thoughts on when you know or when you know this isn't forever?


  1. Hmmm good thoughts. These days if I 100% can't EVER imagine kissing him it is done on date 1. If possible, maybe another date. Usually by date 3 or 4 you 100% know that you aren't feeling it. BTW in 34 years only once did I date someone and starting getting excited when I initially didn't. That isn't much of a success rate.

  2. Well, as Helen Hunt said in "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", you have to ask yourself "would I puke if he kissed me?" Having said that, a friend's mom once told me you can never rule out attraction until you kiss someone. And indeed, a kiss has drastically changed my feelings about certain guys one way or the other. I already liked my current boyfriend before we kissed, but once we did it was an immediate YES. But in general, I think that if it is generally pleasant to spend time with someone (even if he's not knocking your socks off), he is respectful and generally not an ass, you should give it 2-3 dates before you rule him out.

  3. I'm in total agreement with the three date rule. it's really hard to judge by a first date, people are nervous or trying too hard, and it's generally always uncomfortable. Unless there are big red flags or deal breakers, there's no harm in giving them at least one more shot. I know someone who was iffy about a guy after a couple dates, but she forced herself into giving him a chance and now they're very happily married and probably my favorite couple.