Thursday, November 1, 2012

Happy third anniversary to the BLOW OFF!

I can't believe it's been three years since the BLOW OFF first came to be.  Since then, we've had more than 900 posts, nearly 2,000 comments, more than twenty contributors, and at least three or four seasons of recapping the Bachelor(ette) franchise.  Thanks to everyone for reading the site and a special thanks to those of you that have sent us your break up stories.  We like to make fun of relationships a lot, but at the end of the day, going through a break up is excruciatingly painful and I really appreciate those of you who had the guts to write about them.

In honor of our third anniversary, here's a compilation of our favorite top tens:

If your girlfriend is crying:
Don't tell us to stop crying. Look, it's not like we want to cry. It makes our eye make up run and our skin get blotchy, we just can't help it! Try using these three simple words we hear from our besties when we're having an emotional breakdown: let. it. out.

For the freelancers, don't BLOW OFF your dreams, because...:
You don't have that hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach that life is passing you by. That's only for the folks that don't like their day jobs of course.  But I was getting more and more complacent at my corporate gig-- not to mention the view from my office was of Forest Lawn cemetery. Watching funerals from your window can be a pretty heavy reminder that you're not doing what you want to be doing with your life.

If your girlfriend is on her period:
I know I'm reaching for the stars, sun, and moon here, but what if you made us a little period care package? Some Ibuprofen, a DVD of Steel Magnolias, those really warm cozy socks, an issue of US weekly, a box of tampons, and a bag of ho-hos. Just try it out and see what happens. We will most likely blow you. Well, I won't. I'll be too busy eating ho-hos and getting a panic attack when Julia Roberts goes into a diabetic fit (will somebody get her some god damn orange juice!)

I just got dumped someone, now what
Regret it. Regret it 'til the day you die. Actually, if you ever find yourself on your deathbed, just send letters to everyone you've ever dumped and pretend like you've regretted 'til the day you died. For an extra touch, include some song lyrics you've written about them. By the time the letter's received, you'll be dead so it ain't no big thing. And you'll get lots of people to visit your grave and throw their bodies on your tombstone and cry. But if you've dumped me and you send me one of those letters, be warned: I will just light a bunch of cigarettes even though I don't smoke, ash on your grave, then make a little flower bouquet out of cigarette butts. Then I'll dig up your corpse and be like "You don't look so hot now. I win! I win!"

What you want in a rebound
Decent middle of the road sex. It's not so bad that you curl up in a ball afterwards screaming "Why WHY?? WHY????" But not so good where you can't catch your breath afterwards and/or feel like your vagina is having a dance party. This can be tricky, because some times the sex is the best with people you're not really into. But you don't want to end up dating someone for 3+ years purely because the sex is good. Cause for all you know, that person could get into a terrible boating accident and end up paralyzed from the forehead down and then what?

When to cut bait
If you're seriously considering converting to Scientology so you can "disconnect" from your significant other...even if means living the rest of your days as a sea org on some cruise ship in the Caribbean... then you should cut bait.

How to fight the good fight
You know what I'm a total pro at when it comes to fighting?  Bringing up stuff from four years ago that we've already fought about 100 times.  This is a strategic tactic.  Like when he says something like "You never ring out the sponge when you wash the dishes" I can come back with "you flirted with that bartender right in front of my face in February of 2009."  If fighting was a soccer game, then this should be met with a red card.  I propose a rule that I never plan on following: past relationship errors have a 90 day warranty.  If it's 90 days past the time the person committed their relationship sin, then you can't bring it up.  If they cheat on you or murder your parents, then those two things come with a lifetime warranty. 

signs you are dating a crazy person
They expect far too much, far too early in a relationship. If you've only been dating the person for a few weeks and you happen to pull a dick move by flaking on them once-- their reaction is key to their mental stability. For instance, if they play it cool and pretend like they didn't even notice OR make a sarcastic quip about it, then let it go--CONGRATS! You are dating a sane person. If they go on a tirade of how hurt and upset they were, how they've been cheated on in the past, how they never, ever, ever want you to make them feel like that again, and have a conversation about it that lasts longer than ten minutes...then, we're sorry to inform you, there's a pretty good chance they're at least 25% unstable.

what not do do after a BLOW OFF
Don't stalk your ex's every move on Facebook and then "accidentally" show up at the place he "checked into." Keep your stalking discreet and covert and to a healthy minimum. Back in B.F. (before Facebook) I once spotted a guy that blew me off walking down the street in NY. I followed him three blocks into a bookstore and pretended to accidentally run into him. I felt dirty after. I had to shower like three times while laying in the fetal position and crying 'til I got the hiccups.

how to not lose a girl in ten days
Four words that will make all the difference. Learn them, love them, live by them.
"You look really pretty." Yes, we're that easy.

Oh, and also since the 3rd anniversary is leather, we bring you a special song of the day!

3 comments:

  1. You gave me something to look forward to, coming to work every morning for the past 3 years! (well, not really... maybe 2 years ;))
    I love drinking my coffee, reading your blog! & yes I hate it when you post it later during the day, because I only drink one cup of coffee in the morning! I almost wanna say that I don't like your new job that keeps you so busy, but I'm not gonna mention it! :D
    HAPPY 3rd year anniversary :)

    P.S if you didn't have this "Please prove you're not a robot " in your comment section, I would leave more comments!
    Is it only me, or they all look bleary?
    I totally feel like a robot now!

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  2. Congrats on 3 years Saaara! It's been such a pleasure being able to contribute The Blowoff these past few months.

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  3. Happy Anniversary! I truly enjoy reading every morning... Part of my daily routine! Your posts are so helpful, comical, and often hitting very close to come, purely on coincidence!

    I wish you a most lovely weekend!

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