Wednesday, November 28, 2012

why BLOW OFFS are harder for dudes

There's that old dating myth that when you break up, it takes the guy half as long as the relationship lasted to get over it and the girl twice as long.  Well, I call bull shit.  I've decided that in most break ups, the opposite is in fact true.

Without further adieu, here are the top ten reasons break ups are harder for guys than they are for girls:

10.  It's more socially acceptable for women to get angry.  Sure, we might get called a bitch here and there, but if we're pissed off about a guy dumping us, the world understands if we need to listen to Ani DiFranco non-stop.  If a guy gets angry about a girl dumping him-- he seems crazy and abusive and violent and psycho.  And since anger is often the best anesthesia after a break up, guys often have to go without.  (I mean, what if a guy sang that Carrie Underwood song about taking a Louisville slugger to both headlights?  He'd seem like a wife-beater!)

9. There's just a general shortage of nice girls out there.  I know, I know-- there's a drought of nice guys too BUT I think us ladies have more of a chance of upgrading with our next mate, while guys tend to downgrade-- at least for awhile. 

8. It's more socially acceptable for women to cry.  We can curl up in a ball, cry our eyes out while watching Love & Basketball over and over again (interspersed between episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker), vomit, then cry some more and everyone will just tell us to "let it out" and "it's okay." And after we do that for a few days-- guess what? We feel better.  If a dude ever did anything like that, his family would probably have him committed.

7.  Ladies have more of a tendency to do things that make them feel good after a break up.  When a guy is having a bad day-- do you ever tell him to go "treat himself"?  NO.  That's just a thing people say to chicks.  So, after the crying and the cheese binging, we start to go on hikes, we exercise a lot, we get pedicures, a hot new haircut, and we do a ton of retail therapy.  Plus, there's just more we can do to make ourselves look hot the next time you run into us.  A guy's only options are lose weight, get a haircut, grow a beard.

6. We fuck other people faster than guys do.  Just kidding.  We probably don't.  We're usually too fragile.  But cheap, drunken, sloppy sex can only make you feel worse and that's probably the kind of action most guys are getting post-break up.

5.  That brings me to my next point.  There's less pressure on us to perform after we've been dumped.  Sure, our ego's totally been bruised and we only want to have sex in a dark, dark, cave and the thought of anyone seeing us naked gives us panic attacks BUT when the time comes, our insecurities can't stop the act dead in its tracks.  But a guy who's still reeling from post break-insecurities has to be a little scared that he'll be too nervous to get it up the next time he has sex. 

 4. Men don't like to think things through as much as us ladies do.  As you all know, we thrive on over-analysis.  So, when we consider breaking up with our significant other, we think it through for months on end.  We consult therapists.  Magazines.  Our friends, families, neighbors, and mail carriers.  We make a list of the pros and cons.  By the time we actually get around to breaking up with the person, we've been processing it for at least three-six months.  Guys on the other hand tend to act faster and make rash decisions.  When the thought of "break up" creeps up in their brain, they usually dumped their significant other within 3-5 days.  They haven't thought it through.  They haven't weighed all their options-- thus, it's way more likely that within a month after the break up, they'll have a freak out and totally regret what they've done.

3. Females don't bury their emotions the way a lot of guys do.  We feel the pain stronger and faster, but that means by the time we're on the road to recovery-- looking gorgeous from all our hikes and dating other people-- the break up has just hit YOU for the first time like a ton of bricks.  It's the whole delayed reaction thing and it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. 
2. For some reason, when a guy breaks up with a girl-- people think it's okay to tell him he's an idiot, he made the biggest mistake of his life, he's never going to find anyone better.  But when a girl breaks up with her boyfriend (even if he's the most wonderful guy ever) people tend to tell her she made the right decision and she's really strong and that they completely support her.  Think about it.  If a girl you knew broke up with a guy you really thought was great-- would you tell her she was an idiot, she's making the biggest mistake of her life, and she'll never find anyone better?  I didn't think so. 

1. Which brings me to my last point: Girls have girlfriends.  And with girlfriends there is no statute of limitations on how long and how often you can talk about your break up.  Girlfriends will make you mixed CDs.  Girlfriends will explain to you in great detail why you're better off.  Girlfriends will tell you all the worst things about their break ups or relationships to make you feel less bad about yours.  Girlfriends will take you dancing or away for a weekend.  Girlfriends will buy you presents and mix you pretty cocktails.  Girlfriends will help you move and spend the night 'til you feel better.  Girlfriends give hugs and will find you the perfect Sex and the City episode that will completely speak to you in your time of grief.  Guys don't have them.  When my husband's friends have gone through shitty break ups-- they all still talk about the same thing: fantasy basketball.  Some guys, if they're lucky, have sisters they can talk to about this stuff, but some aren't even close enough with their female siblings to have those convos. 

But don't worry dudes, all is not lost.  You still have Phil Collins:


  1. Sooooo disagree with point nine!!

  2. Hmmm, yes. Not sure I can totally stand by point 9. Maybe it's because I live in LA and there seems to be a specific type of girl out here that's a little more materialistic, etc that guys almost seem surprised or relieved when they meet someone that's not like that. Here, let me think of a replacement #9:

    New #9: Guys aren't as into soul searching. When us ladies go through a break up, we tend to relive the relationship in our minds over and over again, wondering where things went wrong. Usually, we learn more from the demise of the romance than the guy does and that helps makes our next relationship even better.

    1. Yes, thank you. I live in NYC and there are TONS of fabulous single women here who cannot meet anyone decent. But all a man has to be is single and breathing and he will be in demand. Really.

  3. I do not miss NYC girls. They are just way too stylish and pretty and cool. Damn them!