Tuesday, December 18, 2012

A Bachelorette Wedding: Ashley & JP get married!

Ashley and JP's wedding at the Langham

gratuitous picture from my own wedding at the Langham
I'm going to try to keep this post shorter than most of my bachelor recaps for a couple of reasons: #1 according to Deadline Hollywood, no one even really tuned into this special...so I'm worried that means no one will really read this post.  #2 and I'm ashamed to admit this, BUT I was kind of sentimental watching this.  Yes, I'm one of those girls that cries at weddings,  Plus, the H Bomb and I got married in the exact same place as JP and Ashley, same hotel, same lawn, same ballroom-- and this stupid ABC special actually brought back a lot of memories.  So, I'm worried I won't be able to find enough to make fun of, but as God as my witness, I'm going to give it my best shot.  Here are some observations from the episode:

The episode started with Chris Harrison basically begging us not to give up on the franchise that is the Bachelor and the Bachelorette.  He actually said "there are no guarantees when it comes to matters of the heart." WOW.  REALLY, ABC?  You're trying to give me a lecture on the way relationships really work when you have people ride helicopters, scale buildings, and sing with the Muppets on dates?  I mean, you have people hand out roses to tell you they want to keep dating you.  Oh, the hypocrisy.  Harrison even tried to claim that the show works because various cast members from various seasons have found love with each other.  UM, so, like the way normal people meet and fall in love?  Side note: I had no idea that Michael Stagli-spaghetti had a twin brother and that he was dating Deanna Potatoes.

That said, I'm glad to see that JP and Ashley are actually in love and getting married.  He was my favorite on her season from the beginning.  He's like a combination of two of my favorite types of men (Jewish New Yorker and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.)  But Cupcake Ashley is still annoying.  She still talks too loud and pronounces perfect like "perfackt".  Let's not forget that this is the same girl that balled her eyes out when Bentley left her season (even though he said he would rather swim through pee than go on a date with her.)   Spoiler alert: Bentley does not show up to stop the wedding.

We learn that Cupcake and JP live in Princeton, NJ together while she finishes her residency and he does construction management in NY.  And that's when I realize why these two made it work when barely any other couples have.  They went on the show for the right reasons!!!  Neither of them actually cared that much about being famous like Jake Pavelka or Emily "my fiancee died in a plane crash" Maynard.  And yeah, they agreed to get married on TV-- but if someone offered me a free wedding that would be made available for the whole country to watch, I'd be like WHERE DO I SIGN!

Did you guys notice that basically the entire guest list at Ashley and JP's wedding was former Bachelorette and Bachelor contestants?  What the what?  It was like an episode of the Bachelor Pad up in that wedding.  And I know JP is friends with some of those dudes from his season, but isn't it weird to have Ashley's rejects in the room?  And also, I seriously don't think Ashley and JP are good enough friend with Trista and Ryan or Molly and Jason to invite them to their wedding.  And why is Sean here?  There is no way in hell he's friends with Ashley and JP.  He is a complete stranger to them.  This would be where I would have to draw the line on free wedding.  The married couples are one thing, but the trashy single bachelor pad folks?  How could Ashley expose her closest friends and family to airborne herpies like that?

Naturally, Cupcake and JP ask Chris Harrison to officiate their wedding ceremony and NOT as the host of the Bachelor.  Generally, when you ask someone to officiate your wedding, they respond with hugs and tears and say how touched they are, blah blah blah.  But not Harrison.  Harrison basically went Homeland on their asses and gave them the third degree on why and how they love each other.   We keep hearing how different Cupcake and JP are from each other.  I don't really get it.  The only major difference I see between them is that she's super freaking annoying and he's not.

(This is where I need to tell you that I will not make fun of Ashley's obsession with her dog Boo, because if I am equally obsessed with my own dog and this actually made me like her more.  I got my dog after I got married, but I would really like to photoshop her into every single wedding photo.)

I will say that I do believe JPley really love each other and even though she talks like a complete valley girl, she's actually pretty articulate about why she loves JP.  AND, have I just lost all sense of style or was Ashley dressing super-cute in this special?  I'm nervous to admit this, but I thought her wedding dress was really kind of pretty.  I love it when a girl doesn't rock the strapless (even though I ultimately succumbed to it myself).

Let's get to what really matters.  Chrystie Corns.  Cupcake's sister.  Even though I'm sure she thought about lacing the wedding cake with Ricin, because her little sister was getting married before her, she seemed to keep it together.  She was all smiles and admitted she'd been wrong about JP.  But Ashley punished her appropriately by making her walk down the aisle with the little kids and Boo the dog.  Ouch.  All the other girls got to walk down the aisle with hot guys, but not Chrystie Corns.  She had to pay the price.  I bet she is scheming with Bentley as I write this to break up Cupcake and JP.

As much as I was won over by JP and Ash-face during this special, am I alone in getting completely grossed out to the max every time they kiss??  I figured out why their kisses are so weird.  They french without tilting.  They do the head on collision, mouths wide open, nom nom nom, french kiss.  It's nasty!  Watching them kiss makes me feel like I'm four years old again, back when I thought boys were gross and kisses got you preggers.

Side note, JP looks good in a tux.

The whole fake Bachelorette/Bachelor party sequence was completely unnecessary and stupid.  I feel like I got robbed of a montage of Ashley trying on a bunch of wedding dresses or a scene of her telling Chrystie Corns she'd be wearing a pink bridesmaid dress.  Why does ABC think I need to see a bunch of guys race cars?  Is this an obligatory scene for the three guys at home watching?  Also, Cupcake has a new annoying quirk that I noticed in this episode.  She kept gyrating!!  In all her interviews, she kept moving her hips side to side when she talked.  And if that wasn't bad enough, we had to watch her pole dance!  I mean, who does Ashley think she is?  Honey Boo Boo??  And then if all that wasn't bad enough, the two of them had to sneak off from their parties to go ice skating in super fancy clothes for absolutely no reason.  Are there really women at home swooning at this shit?  I can't believe it.  I won't believe it.  

I have to say, the actual wedding was really kind of beautiful.  Down to the wooden aisle and the lady singing I Can't Help Falling in Love with you, I totally cried.  But the best part was the whole "tying the knot" tradition they did with their moms.  I seriously love Cupcake and JP's moms.  They just seem so sweet and nice.  If I had one wish, it would be that they would join the book club I'm in.  (But kind of weird in a Last Chance Harvey kind of way that we didn't know anything about Ashley's bio-dad).  Cupcake and JP wrote their own vows and JP totally won.  His were so well thought out and sweet and Cupcake's were uber-generic and plus, she said the word Perfackt so she automatically lost fifty points right there. 

Some thoughts I'd like to leave you with: Ryan needs to watch out for Trista.  She's clearly going through a mid-life crisis.  How many times did she say she wanted to be fifteen years younger?  Also, did you guys notice how little ABC featured Emily?  They basically want us to forget about her.  She used to be Queen Em of the World.  They bent over backwards to get her to do the Bachelorette, but now she's persona non-grata.  I mean, she's the whole reason Chris Harrison had to give us some speech about why we shouldn't give up on the show.  Nobody cares about you anymore Emily.  You fucked it up.  Also, Ali and Roberto totally boned before the ceremony.  And he looks hot with his hair long and scruffy like that.

Lastly, I do not have high hopes for Sean as The Bachelor.  I'm calling it now, he is going to be so boring that the show has to manufacture even more drama than they normally do.  Did you guys see the preview for his season?  Did you notice that ridiculously fake scene where one of the girl's boyfriends comes to the house?  Dude is totally a bad actor.  I felt like I was watching a clip from Cheaters.  This shit is going to be so cheesy and I can't wait to recap it for you!  See the preview below:


  1. Excellent re-cap. The special was beyond stupid, but the wedding was gorge. The walk down the aisle was priceless, and we had to rewind and watch the knot tying twice...it was just that fucking lovely.

  2. nice and fair recap! I love this couple but still think all the build-up until the wedding was kinda staged and cheesy for TV.

    I think they invited their real friends in the bachelor world, those who they actually hang out and have a relationship with. I heard JP and Ashley made it very clear that they did not want any drama and wanted absolute control over what should be "produced", and they thought hard about having a TV wedding because they did not want their special day to be mocked.

    Eventually a paid for wedding had more pros than cons. They knew what they got themselves into when they decided to air their wedding but I think they tried to protect their friends and families by allowing very limited footage of these people to be shown. The Bachelor/Ette "stars" are far more experienced with viewers' opinions and have thicker skin.

    They said multiple times that they were most worried about their friends who were not comfortable with cameras. Of course they did not want their friends to be mocked for their physical appearances i think. I can see the logic behind that and I totally respect that even though I wish to see more of the wedding procession and stuffs.

    It was ridiculously beautiful.


  3. haha "they went on the show for the right reasons" I don't think anyone in their right mind will think finding a wife or a husband on TV is normal. They go for the adventure and the experience or just have some fun. If they find "love" its a bonus. I imagine these two crazy kids who just got married are still in disbelief they actually 'found" love.