Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The new break up scale

*Thanks TM for sending this our way.

The Bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 9

And then there were three. In this week's episode, Ben and the girls fly to Switzerland so he can have sex with all of them and give a rose to the two contestants that prove to be a better lay. The show opens with our favorite obligatory shots of Ben packing his suitcase and pondering his three girlfriends. He calls Nicki the dark horse, which I totally agree with. Let's get real here, if it wasn't for her rack, she would have been sent home a long long time ago. We get to see Lindzi ride in on a horse again...and I have to say, she looked a whole lot prettier in the first episode. Her make up has gotten progressively worse and worse. And finally, Courtney. Ben describes her as NERDY. WHAT? In what universe is this girl nerdy? Liz Lemon is nerdy. Courtney the model = not nerdy.

Nicki gets the first date in Switzerland and she pretty much won the lottery, because she doesn't have to get any of the other girl's vagina juices. A helicopter arrives to pick Ben and Nicki up and she's super excited, because it's only the second time she's been in a helicopter before. Oh, hell no. ABC is wasting a helicopter ride on a girl that's already been on one? What about all the other needy, single, women out there who've never had a helicopter date? This is a major injustice. Anyway, they go on the ride and, no joke...ABC totes tricks us into thinking the helicopter is about to crash. It's like nose-diving into the alps. At this point, I start raising the roof and imagine all twenty-five contestants laying red roses at Ben's grave, but sadly, the helicopter lands safely.

Here's my take on Nicki. She's just way too over-eager. Ben keeps saying that she's really confident, but to me, she's exactly the kind of girl that's always going to agree with the guy she's dating. She's just trying too hard to sell herself to Ben by telling him she's completely ready to fit herself into his life and move to Sonoma. I love how there's absolutely no talk of the guy ever having to move to be with the girl. After a relatively boring picnic where Nicki just smiles really big and tells Ben how ready she is to be with him, it's time for the nighttime portion of their date.

Is it just me or does the food on The Bachelor always look really unappetizing? I'm not sure I believe it's real or that they actually ingest it. I can't remember if it's in this scene or during the picnic, but Ben tells Nicki he wants four kids and she says she always pictured herself having two kids...but four it is! Geez. At one point she even says "I would give you as much as you deserve." Ben could ask Nicki to be in the center of a human centipede with Lindzi and Courtney and she'd probably gush about how ready she is to have her mouth sewn onto someone else's butt.

The fantasy suite card rears its ugly head and Chris Harrison asks Ben and Nicki if they'd like to forgo their individual rooms to spend the night together. Nicki totally pretends that she doesn't fuck guys that quickly, but I know a floozy when I see one. Can we all agree how weird and wrong it is that the fantasy suite card comes from Harrison? I think they should have his voice over playing while they're reading it. What if a guy gave you a card to invite you to spend the night with him? How creepy would that be? You're at dinner and suddenly he slips you a Hallmark card that says "will you forgo your apartment tonight and spend the night with me?" I would only be okay with that if it was one of those musical cards that played I Want to Sex You Up by Color Me Badd.

Nicki tells Ben how touched she is that he said her dad reminded him of his dad and Ben gets all kinds of uncomfortable. I think even Brad Womack was able to get deeper with his girlfriends than Ben...but to be fair, Womack did have a therapist guiding him through the whole thing.

Gross! Hot tub scene. I really don't want to see Nicki and Ben grind on each other in a bubble bath. I watched this episode with my mom and she pointed out that Nicki can't shut up. You know she totally talked the whole time they were doing it, saying how ready she is for him to hump her. I can't help but wonder what Ben's penis looks like in this episode and I have a feeling it's small. Like REALLY small. Like a smurf penis, but not Papa Smurf, cause you just know he's huge.

Lindzi's date comes next. I wonder if the producers decide the order of the dates or if Ben has any say in that. If Ben gets to make requests, then I'm not sure it's a good sign that Lindzi is date number two. That means Nicki got to have sex with him first and Courtney got to have sex with him last. No one wants to be the person that interviews for a job in the middle of the process, right? Anyway, Ben and Lindzi have to do another scary heights thing where they repel down into a ravine. Spoiler alert: they don't die. At dinner, Lindzi decides to let her guard down and open up to Ben more and this is where I get confused, because everything she tells him, I've basically heard before. I feel like these two are on an endless cycle of first dates, minus the time they wrote a fairytale together and stuck it in a bottle. But Ben does seem relatively into her and excited to get her into the fantasy suite.

I love that Lindzi is suddenly wearing a guy's shirt out of nowhere and we basically see her ass, while they make out on the bed. Did women ever wear men's dress shirts before movies and soap operas? Honestly, this date was pretty forgettable. I really think ABC should change the rules and film Ben with the girls the morning after they've had sex. I feel like Nicki probably pressured Ben into letting her go down on him while rubbing his feet at the same time, whereas Ben and Lindzi spooned and talked about horses.

Now for Ben's date with Courtney. Has anyone noticed that Courtney has never had to do anything scary-- like jump out of a helicopter or climb the bay bridge-- on any of her dates? Do you think it's written in her contract? More importantly, how will Ben and her ever know if they can conquer life together if they've never jumped into a crater?

As much as I hate Courtney, she and Ben seem the most like a real couple. And I love that she's being totally nice now. Ugh. I will give Ben some props for calling Courtney out in this episode for being a bitch to the other girls and "twisting the knife." Courtney plays the victim card so well and keeps saying how hard it was for her to be in a house with all those scary women. Ben then points out that she has a bad history with females-- and Courtney totally jumps on that-- not even realizing that he's bringing it up as a negative. I will give her a little credit for doing a bit of a mea culpa, but we're dealing with a dating spin doctor genius here. Courtney knows exactly what she's doing. She even manages to shut Ben down and basically say they're done talking about this.

It doesn't matter though. Ben is totally caught in her web. He could find out that his father was really murdered and Courtney killed him and he'd still give the bitch a rose. I so wish the show would just edit all of her worst moments together and show Ben. How could he watch this season and still want to be with her? Especially after she ripped off her "vows" last week from Sex and the City.

So, Ben and Courtney picnic with cows and then have dinner and she accepts his invitation into the fantasy suite. Then, they get into a two-seater hot tub and make out. He's so into this girl, I wouldn't be surprised if he already proposed to her after they had sex (even though she just laid there like a limp corpse, while they were doing it). Prior to this, Ben keeps saying how excited he is to get uninterrupted time with her. often do they get interrupted by production? Do they have to like repeat certain lines over and over again? I want all the secrets of this show!

We'd now like to interrupt this recap to discuss the extremely lame segment with Emily (the new bachelorette) as she prepares for her reality show debut. Well, that's what we think we're watching, but then in a crazy third act twist, we realize we've been watching a Titanic 3-D commercial the entire time. Anyway, in case you were wondering, Emily is still a single mom that does nothing but play with Little Ricki in her huge Laura Ashley house in North Carolina. And she's super nervous about being the bachelorette. So, ABC flies her out to LA so she can get some advice from Cupcake and Ali " I was raised by wolves" Fedowhocares. First of all, if you broke up with the guy you ended up with on your season, I don't think you should be allowed to come back and give other women advice (Ali). And if you are a complete airhead who wears too much make up and talks about her boyfriend non-stop (Ashlee), you should also not be allowed to give anyone advice.

Anyway, Em tries on outfits for no reason for the girls, then they get their make up done. It's basically like watching a montage from a Hilary Duff movie. Then, Emily gets her first date go watch the Titanic with her new bachelorette besties. The weirdest scene from this sequence is when the three girls walk down the street in their new hooker outfits while the fake paparazzi take pictures of them. Seriously-- this was like the reverse Pretty Woman. Emily went into it looking nice and classy and came out looking like a cheap whore. And why is she wearing that skimpy tight outfit just to go see a 3-D movie? Seeing them try to have a serious conversation about love in those ridiculous 3-D glasses was actually kind of hilarious. Needless to say, this did not get me excited for Emily's season.

Okay-- back to what really matters. Ben gets a surprise visit just before the rose ceremony from none other than KCB. The poor girl flew all the way to Switzerland to get answers for Ben on why he dumped her. She seems super nervous and genuinely sad that he let her go. I kind of feel bad for her, but then I remember this is Ben what the F we're talking about and KCB is so much better off. I am surprised that she lacks major self awareness about the reason he let her go. Clearly, it was because her parents are wet blanket, conservative, bible lovers.

I so wish he could just say that, but he tells her it's because their backgrounds are too different. KCB does a good job of saying that she makes her own decisions and doesn't have to do what her parents tell her, but these two are still ovah. This girl needs to runaway from home. I wish she was the next bachelorette. Before she leaves, KCB leaves Ben with the 1,000th warning he's gotten about Courtney. She says Courtney is only here to win and that if Ben picks her, he's going to get hurt. The above photo is what Ben's face looks like when he hears this. Then, he kicks KCB out so he can have some alone time and she lays on the ground in the hallway to catch her breath. Poor KCB! She's really going through the break up motions!

Ben arrives at the rose ceremony super confused about what to do and pours his little heart out to Chris Harrison who phones in his concern as always. I feel bad for Harrison. I wouldn't want to pretend to be interested in this shit either. I like to think that if the camera panned down, we'd see that he was actually getting a BJ from Blakely.

Anyway, not a huge shocker, but Nicki gets sent home. The only thing that really confused me about her departure is that the show totally tricked us with that line in the season preview of some girl (who sounds a lot like Nicki) saying she's done a total 180 and she's not ready to be a wife or mother. Upon listening to it again, I think they pieced together different things she said to make it seem like she was going to reject Ben.

Courtney and Lindzi are the final two ladies and I think we will all be shocked if Ben proposes marriage to Lindzi, right? Courtney has this in the bag and Ben is going to get exactly what he deserves: a bitchy, personality of an almond, fame-whore...but seriously, who cares...he's going to be engaged to a MODEL!!!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

the top ten worst things about going through a BLOW OFF

There are a billion reasons it sucks to suffer the death of a relationship, but since we're all short on time and attention spans these days, we narrowed it down to ten. You're welcome:

10. That terrible, terrible phase where you still hang out with your ex...but suddenly you have to refrain from touching each other, kissing, holding hands, saying "I love you." If you're a normal human being with feelings, you probably burst into tears the second after you're in the safety of your own car, home, or subway train. I think break ups should happen in phases, like the nicotine patch. Phase one: no sex. Phase two: no making out. Phase three: no holding hands. Phase four: no "I love yous". Phase five: never, ever, ever seeing each other again.

9. Being forced to pretend like you're happy for all your friends who are in relationships and lack the sensitivity to take a pause on gushing about how great their significant others are and how in love they are. These friends deserve to get punched in the face. Seriously, people. When your friends are going through a break up, no matter what-- your relationship sucks too.

8. Going on that first awful post-break up date. You know, the one you think you're ready for that's so terrible and creepy and reeks of that masturbation/playground scene in Little Children. The date that makes you emotionally regress to the first day you were dumped. Beware of these dates, folks. Seriously. The next person you have dinner with after an ex should be heavily screened. If you go out on a date just for the sake of getting yourself out there and the person is a total weirdo, you will end the night crying yourself to sleep, while listening to Against All Odds by Phil Collins on repeat.

7. That super daunting feeling that you have to start ALL over again. Getting dumped is like running a marathon and being told you need to run another twenty-six miles at the finish line. The best part of a relationship is that "middle" stage where you're super comfortable with a person and there are so many hurdles to jump until you get there with another person. It could take years.

6. On that note: the thought of getting naked in front of someone new. You know, that early stage in a relationship where you'd rather not have sex with the lights on in the middle of the day on the floor of your apartment. Or when you lie in bed in severe pain from your ultra-full bladder, because you're too shy to get up and walk to the bathroom naked and you have no idea where you threw your underwear. If you're one of those women that blow dries her hair naked in the gym locker room-- then good news, #6 does not apply to you!

5. The pressure of looking super pretty and gorgeous all the time on the off chance that you run into your ex in public. I used to take an extra long time getting ready to go to work in New York in case I ran into a guy I dated in California...who still lived in California (but you never know when that person could be visiting on vacation. Back me up on that.)

4. That empty, gut-wrenching, pit of your belly feeling that never leaves you-- no matter what you're doing. Sitting in your cubicle at work, eating dinner with friends, meeting new guys at bars, sleeping, showering, flossing. Do you know how hard it is to smile and have a conversation with a person when your insides are dying a slow death?

3. Obsessively wondering whether your ex has already had sex with someone else, gone on a date, fallen in love, gotten married, made a baby, etc. And knowing deep down that they are not thinking about you nearly as much as you are thinking about them.

2. Mourning all the things you said you were going to do and never did. The vacation you'd already planned out. The tickets you bought for a concert next month. The restaurant you never got a chance to try. The wedding you were supposed to attend together. The Christmas you were supposed to spend with his family. All those future babies that no longer have any chance of being conceived.

1. Hearing that voice again in the back of your head again. You know, the one that worries you're going to die alone. But you're not. We promise. Unless you're going to die tomorrow, then we can't help you out. But oh my God, you are so not going to die tomorrow. What are the chances of that?! Wait. Unless you're planning to kill yourself to make your ex feel super guilty about dumping you. Don't do that! They'll feel guilty for like two weeks. Seriously, please don't do that.

Monday, February 27, 2012

the separation & the BLOW OFF

The highlight of last night's Oscars ceremony for me was the film A Separation winning best foreign language film. I watched the show with my parents and we sobbed like babies during Asghar Farhadi's acceptance speech. As Iranians, it was a proud moment, because for once, we were getting some positive recognition. We had to pause the show after the win and call relatives to commiserate. I saw the movie last weekend and it's about so many things (class, religion, family, integrity), but at its core the film explores what happens to a husband and wife when they stop wanting the same things. Oh, and a lot of crazy shit happens in between.

The film begins with Simin (the wife) seeking a divorce, because Nader (the husband) won't leave the country with her, so he can care for his ailing father. And she comes off a little unsympathetic because of it. But maybe there's something refreshing about a woman that doesn't want to change her path in life, because of a man. Especially in a culture where women don't get a whole lot of say. Regardless, there can only be two outcomes-- either one of them folds and changes their life plan or they go their separate ways.

The whole wanting different things dilemma is perhaps the ultimate relationship game-changer. I remember when the h-bomb and I were dating, he asked me how I would feel if he got his dream New York. Would I move there with him even if it meant changing my life/job and being far away from my family? Keep in mind this was a guy that had pretty much moved to LA for me. But my answer was: hell no. I guess I've never considered myself the kind of woman that would move anywhere or stay anywhere for a guy. And even though we're married now, I can't say I've totally changed my mind. Yeah, obvi, I'd rather follow him than be without him, but I might go kicking and screaming. There was even a recurring theme from American Idol contestants (yes, I just made a parallel between an Academy Award winning foreign film and a cheesy reality show) where several women admitted they gave up their dreams of becoming singers, because of their husbands. They were only now auditioning after getting divorced.

It frustrates me that being in a relationship sometimes means delaying or BLOWING OFF your dreams so your partner can pursue the things they want. I'm not sure how you do that without completely resenting the other person in the process. What do you think ladies and gents? Do relationships always have to be about compromise or is it best to cut bait if being with the person means changing your entire life for them?

Friday, February 24, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Dammit by Blink-182

I know that
you're leaving
you must have
your reasons
The season
is calling
and your pictures
are falling down
- Blink-182, 1997

Thursday, February 23, 2012

But if we break up...who gets to keep the friends?

An old friend of mine from New York was in a relationship with a guy for about three years when she decided she had to break up with him. She wasn't in love with him anymore and he just wasn't the guy she could see herself spending the rest of her life with. There was only one minor problem...they had ALL the same friends. Somewhere over the course of the three years together, their lives had completely co-mingled. The scariest thing about breaking up with him wasn't losing him, it was losing everyone else that mattered to her in the process. As the "dumper" she would be perceived the bad guy and chances were, most people would stay loyal to him. Plus, she couldn't exactly break the guys heart and take all his friends with her. So, what's a girl to do?

Totally chicken out and never break up with him. Last time I checked on Facebook, they were still together.

Perhaps it was just a rough patch and she had an epiphany that he was the true love of her life OR maybe staying together was just way easier and less complicated than breaking up. When my high school bf and I broke up, we had a lot of the same friends...but it was pretty easy to delineate who belonged to him and who belonged to me prior to us getting together. My other relationships didn't last long enough for me to acquire their friends, and plus, the pessimist in me was always conscious of not completely merging our social groups. Even today, the H bomb and I don't necessarily share the exact same group of friends. I love his friends and consider them my own and vice/versa-- but aside from the occasional double dates or birthday party-- we usually hang out with our friends separately. There are a few people that are equally close to the both of us and if he left me tomorrow, I'd force them to choose between us. Otherwise, the elephant in the room any time I hung out with that person would be-- do they know if my ex is dating someone else?! Does he ever ask about me? Especially when a break up is ugly, mutual friends inevitably have to choose sides.

I've also never been one to stay friends with my friends' exes. It just doesn't seem right that I should continue to stay in touch with them, if my bestie doesn't want to have anything to do with them anymore. So, I'm curious readers-- have you ever gotten out of a relationship with someone who was super duper part of your social circle? If so, who got to keep the friends in the divorce? Comment below.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 8

My favorite episode! Hometown date week-- otherwise known as the "deciding who I want to bone in a fantasy suite" episode.

Hometown date #1
Ben's first hometown date is with Lindzi somewhere in Washington State. Lindzi says how excited she is to have her boyfriend come visit her. Is this girl totally off her rocker? He's as much her boyfriend as Chris Harrison is her boyfriend. Anyway, Lindzi rides in on a horse, huge shocker, and we get yet another cheesy love metaphor. Something about getting back on the horse again after you've had your heart broken. After hanging out with some ponies, Ben and Lindzi picnic and she decides she's really going to open up to him. I'm sort of shocked that Ben is just finding out for the first time that Lindzi lived with the guy that sent her packing to Dumpsville. I don't get it. This like their fifth hang out. Shouldn't they be opening with this shit?

Anyway. We get to hear Lindzi say imporTanT a few more times and then tell Ben that "vulnerable" is a big word for her. What does that even mean? Like she doesn't know how to spell it? Next, they meet Lindzi's parents who seem like nice enough people. They do this weird horse race and Ben calls Lindzi's dad the salt of the earth, just like his pops. I think he's pretty into them AND they drink wine which wins them major points. We also learn that Lindzi's parents got married at...wait for hall in San Francisco which is where Ben and Lindzi had their first one on one date. Lindzi seems shocked by this. WTF? How is it possible she never knew where her parents got married. I call bull shit.

We hear about a million times that Lindzi went through a really hard time with her last break up and it was really hard for her parents to see her get hurt. I get it. Break ups are hard. That's what this entire blog is about-- but they're talking about it like the girl survived stage four pancreatic cancer. How bad could it have been? Unless they found her bleeding out in a bathtub, I don't want to hear about it.

The date ends with Ben saying he thinks he's falling in love with Lindzi. Here's my assessment on these two. They seem really uncomfortable around each other. I don't think Lindzi loves Ben at all, I think she's hoping her ex-boyfriend is watching so she can say things like "I've never felt this way about anyone." I also think her nice girl, always upbeat, image is just a ploy to be the next Bachelorette.

Hometown Date #2
Bible Belt, Tennessee. The date begins at a high school football field which is already a terrible sign. When I see KCB in that super weird, baggy, red shirt right off the set of the original Melrose Place, my heart sinks a little for her. This is not her best look. And then it just gets worse. A marching band arrives on the field and behind them is KCB...twirling a baton. WTF? This is not The Miss America Pageant. Put that stupid thing away. It was cute once, now it's just super embarrassing. KCB and Ben sit on the bleachers and she tells him some story about how this field was named after her grandpa and Ben's eyes pretty much glaze over. Then, she's forced to admit some things she clearly kept from Ben all this time or else he would have sent her home much sooner. For starters, her dad doesn't drink. I get the feeling Ben is looking for a Papi replacement and a guy that doesn't believe in booze is not going to be that person.

But this is totally what he gets. You can't get the cute perky southern girl without the ultra-conservative, God obsessed, southern parents. I called this one a long time ago. The whole religion thing would be the death of KCB and Ben. KCB's parents, rightly so, are really skeptical about this whole Bachelor thing. Her dad even tells Ben-- if KCB's not the one, dump her sooner rather than later. And Ben ends up feeling like KCB's dad doesn't even like her. Which he doesn't. He does not want some long-haired hippie from San Francisco marrying his virginal daughter. Then Ben has some alone time with KCB's mom (who, take away the mom haircut, looks awfully young). She tells him she would be very disappointed if Ben and her daughter decided to live together before getting married. Yikes. Her parents just lost her the rose. We all know Ben wants things to be easy and drama-free, so difficult in-laws need not apply. The only thing that might keep KCB around is how badly Ben wants to give her the hot beef injection next week.

Sigh. I feel a little bad for KCB. Her parents are sticks in the mud and I'm pretty sure she learned baton, because dancing is illegal in her hometown.

Hometown Date #3
It's Nicki, y'all! Ben is super excited to be in Ft. Worth, Texas because he just LOVES Texas. Um, again, I call bull shit. People in California who say they love Texas actually mean they love Austin. I never thought Nicki would make it this far, but after seeing KCB's family-- I think she has a leg up. She's got that perky southern charm that Ben likes so much, but I get a vibe that she puts out. She's kind of like a sluttier/trashier KCB.

If there was ever any doubt that Ben's hotness had all but abandoned him this season, then this episode is proof. Ben and Nicki decide to buy some cowboy attire and Ben looks SO dorky in his cowboy hat, boots, and belt. He just looks really stiff and uncomfortable. Like, KCB got a baton stuck up his anus after trying to prove to him that even though her parents are duds, she's sexually adventurous. Side note: why does Nicki have that weird sparkly shirt on all of a sudden? I hate these stupid dates where they shop for clothes and change outfits like they're stuck in some romantic comedy montage. Who has ever gone out on a date like that in real life?

Next, Nicki and Ben drink some wine and she talks a little more about her divorce. She says she didn't give up easily-- she tried to make things work for a FULL TWO YEARS. Whatever. This girl learned nothing about relationships. If I had just gone through a divorce, the last effing thing I'd want to do is get engaged to a guy after having three dates with him on the worst reality show on television.

I never really noticed it before, but these two are all over each other on this date. Nicki is definitely using her powers of seduction to get his ass naked in a fantasy suite. Ewwww. Why do these girls want to have sex with him? I'm not kidding. I would rather dry hump Chris Harrison at this point.

It is so weird when Ben and Nicki get to her house, because her parents basically look like older/chubbier versions of KCB's parents. But they seem a lot warmer and less robotic. You can't not love Nicki's dad. He totally cries in front of her and says that he was too quick to give her hand in marriage the first time. Uh...dads...that whole asking for a woman's hand in marriage is just a really weird formality. It's still kind of sweet that he blames himself for Nicki's loser mistakes. BUT I'm not sure Nicki will get a rose tonight, because there were no scenes of Ben spending alone time with her parents. And just when I think Nicki's parents might have the advantage to KCB's parents, I notice they are drinking soda and served breakfast-for-dinner.

Hometown Date #4
Oh, no. Here we go. Scottsdale, Arizona. Home of Courtney, the model. Wouldn't it be awesome if we learned she was actually raised by a pack of models? Like on that Who's the Boss spin off with Leah Remini and Halle Berry?

Sadly, she has actual parents and a sister. And even sadder than that, they seem like perfectly nice people. I mean, they're definitely super WASPy, which Ben should like because he was raised in a Martha Stewart Living catalog. Now, back me up on this-- but was Courtney slightly less annoying in this episode? She even starts saying that she feels bad about all the things she's said about the other girls (which I seriously think was voice over they just recorded and added to the show). Here's my theory: it's been fairly obvious for the last three episodes that Courtney is going to get the final rose. The show knew her bitchy psycho side would drive tune in...but now that we're getting to the end, they are going to do everything in their power to make us fall in love with Courtney. Think about it. They don't want us all to be super pissed off at the end of the season and quit the franchise all together. Yes. This is what I think about at night. I have in depth conversations with my puppy about this shit.

Anyway, back to Scottsdale. At some point, Ben says it would bother him if he ended up with someone that rubbed people the wrong way. Oh, Ben. You have no idea. The funniest thing about the Courtney/Ben dynamic is that she is SO not into him. Like, all the other girls keep telling him they're in love with him and Courtney says "she digs him" and "like slash loves" him. Courtney has some awkward conversation with her mom who has the same high pitched voice and bunny rabbit facial expressions. We hear over and over again that she has a hard time trusting men, because they dump her for chicks like Reese Witherspoon.

After hanging out with her parents, Ben and Courtney get some alone time in a park and that's when the episode gets beyond ridiculous. It appears Courtney (also known as the show's producers) have planned a mock wedding for the couple they are suddenly shoving down our throats. This place is super special to Courtney, because it's where she had her first photo shoot. The whole thing is all kinds of psycho and creepy. Courtney has rings and notepads for them to write their vows. Ben's vows are sincere and touching which basically exposes him for being a huge idiot. Courtney's vows are ripped off from the finale episode of Sex and the City AND did anyone notice they were written on a totally different piece of paper and not in her notebook? I'm guessing this means a producer wrote her vows OR they gave her a whole week to write them....because Courtney can't read and needed her sister to write them for her. I sense a literacy PSA in our future. Then, no joke, Ben and Courtney drive off in a white SUV that says "almost married" on it.

Okay, rose ceremony time. Even though KCB had a shitty hometown date, I'm still feeling like Lindzi or Nicki could go home, because of the rich history Ben has with KCB. Chris Harrison and Ben meet up at the Reg Bev Wilsh-- which-- what the hell, they're in LA and they're not even going to the bachelor house? They are totally renting it out to people. Anyway. Chris asks Ben to recap the hometown dates and I have no idea what he said because I FF'd the whole scene. I am really glad that the framed photos of the girls make an appearance in this episode, in case Ben couldn't keep track of the four people that are left.

Based on the outfits alone, I think KCB and Nicki should be sent home immediately...BUT Nicki, the dark horse in this race, gets a rose and HUGE SHOCKER, KCB gets sent home! Do you think it's cause of what her dad said to Ben-- if she's not the one, send her back to Tennessee now? Not getting this rose is a huge slap in the face, because it means two things: #1 your family sucks balls. #2 I do not want to have sex with you in the fantasy suite.

Here's the thing that makes me really mad about the girls on this show. They totally let Ben off the hook after he dumps them. It's like the world's easiest break up. They end up comforting him, when they should be like "uh...I hate you, I hope you die in next week's episode in a helicopter crash." KCB totally keeps it together in front of him and then something unexpected happens. KCB has a full fledged meltdown in the back of the car when she leaves. I wasn't expecting this from her. She cries her face off and says "this is why I don't love" and then keeps saying "what the fuck happened." I love how she's got a potty mouth on her. Here's where I'm confused-- in the preview for the season-- don't we hear KCB say that she was in love with Ben, but then woke up and did a complete 180? That's why I thought she might actually snag a rose after all...but after listening again-- it's totally Nicki. Go to the 4 min mark:

Anyway, I'm hoping the real reason for KCB's tears is that she didn't make it to the final two-- which means she probably won't get to be the next Bachelorette. Or that she was just that upset she would never see Chris Harrison again. Please, let it be anything other than crying over Tattoo from Fantasy Island!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

the top ten signs you are dating a CRAZY person

You finally meet someone you like who likes you back. They seem stable and "drama-free" and then it happens...just when they get comfortable enough, you see the first inklings of nutty behavior. Uh-oh. That shit cray. But how do you know it's not just a one off psycho moment? Well, that's what we're here for. Behold, the top ten signs you are dating a crazy person. Brought to you by a girl that's had her fair share of unhinged episodes. Here's a tip for you basketcase females-- just tell your mates you were "practicing your audition for the role of Glenn Close in the Fatal Attraction remake." Works like a charm.

10. They call, text, email, ping, Facebook wall, tweet, send you letters entirely too often. This might mean the person you're dating is possessive, insecure, or is battling short term memory loss. All signs that they are total head cases.

9. They break out the prescription pills before you've exchanged "I love yous." This happened to me once. I went to brunch with a guy after our first sleepover date-- which was also our first date (oops) and he busted out his anti-depressants before we'd even ordered breakfast. I am not against medication, hell, I could use some mood stabilizers myself BUT I need to be eased into that shit. Needless to say, I ended it with him...six months later.

8. They have no friends. It's one thing to be five years old and have no friends, but an adult who's gone through high school, possibly college, and a series of jobs, and hasn't managed to make or maintain any friendships in any of those institutions-- well that's just not a good sign. If no one before you wanted to spend any leisure time with your significant other, it's probably because they're social pariahs. Think about it-- the rest of the world doesn't even want to grab a drink with them, but you're willing to get butt naked with them? Hmmm. Are you sure that's the smartest decision?

7. They expect far too much, far too early in a relationship. If you've only been dating the person for a few weeks and you happen to pull a dick move by flaking on them once-- their reaction is key to their mental stability. For instance, if they play it cool and pretend like they didn't even notice OR make a sarcastic quip about it, then let it go--CONGRATS! You are dating a sane person. If they go on a tirade of how hurt and upset they were, how they've been cheated on in the past, how they never, ever, ever want you to make them feel like that again, and have a conversation about it that lasts longer than ten minutes...then, we're sorry to inform you, there's a pretty good chance they're at least 25% unstable.

6. They cry A LOT. It's okay to cry, but not too often and definitely not too soon. I think I waited almost an entire year before I let the husband see me cry. And even then, it was because we were long distance and I was sad to say good bye to him. Okay, fine not a year, six months. Then, when he moved to LA, I let the weekly crying commence. It was like-- what? you want to go to Pechanga and gamble with your friends instead of go to the Arclight and see a movie with me??? WAAAAAAAAAHHHH! Now, if he'd done that two months into our relationship and I was still pretending I was cool, I'd be like "have fun, win big, I'll just have a girls night out at a dive bar and make out with a stranger in the photo booth." If you're bad at keeping the tears at bay, then I highly recommend having the movie Awakenings on your phone, iPad, computer, Blu Ray player, etc cued to the scene where Robert DeNiro starts getting the shakes again and pretend that's really the reason you're crying.

5. They're angry drunks. I go from fun drunk to angry drunk somewhere between my third and fourth drink. I think the H bomb actually dreads it more when I'm a chatty drunk, but this isn't about me. This is about your crazy boyfriend or girlfriend. SO, if they start glaring at you every time they drink and blurt out things like "you think you're sooooo smart" and "don't you fucking touch me" and "I hope you throw up your own diarrhea and choke on it" then...well, they're definitely certifiable.

4. They're estranged from their family. There are definitely some cases where it's acceptable for your sig other not to talk to their family members. Like...if their parents are in a religious cult or spent their college money on crystal meth or did other unspeakable things to them that would quickly turn this post into a serious downer. But even in those cases, you have to be careful, cause crazy breeds crazy. But if they're not talking to their family, because they never got a car as a teenager or their mom told them to stand up straight and smile more, than they don't even have a good excuse for why they're crazy.

3. They think they're always the victim. This is a good one. If the person you're dating has had a lot of "bad luck" or gotten into bad situations with crazy people or had a lot of asshole bosses or bitchy friends or emotionally abusive boyfriends and just can't understand why awful things keep happening to them...chances are, it's because they're the problematic one and they don't even have the perspective to see it. People that take no responsibility for their actions are fucking crazy.

2. Their idea of a threesome is you, them, and their split personality. This happened to me once. I was dating a guy who said he wanted to have a threesome with me and his best friend Jason. I couldn't believe my luck! I'd actually met a guy who wanted to do a two guys and a girl threesome! And yes, maybe that meant he was gay, but we could cross that bridge when we got there. Well, it turned out his best friend Jason was just his more rebellious, edgy, other personality in the same boring body. I broke up with him, but Jason and I dated for two years.

1. They try to kill you. If they go after you with a knife, a gun, a baseball bat, a machete, a bottle of untraceable rat poison, or an apartment full of carbon monoxide, then it's probably time to have the "i think we should see other people talk" after you serve them with a restraining order.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Why we're BLOWING OFF the GOP

In honor of President's Day, we thought we'd examine the top three GOP presidential candidates. I figure picking a President is sort of like picking a mate, and none of these guys seems to have the qualities I want in a husband, let alone the leader of the free world. Obama has his flaws...but did you hear him sing Al Green? And he passed universal healthcare and killed Bin Laden. SOLD.

Let's start with Newt Gingrich. The guy who BLOWS OFF his wives. He's the dick husband that will divorce you as soon as something better comes along and you refuse him an open marriage. Here's his marital history in a nutshell. In 1962, he married his geometry teacher. Yes, an older woman. Then, in 1980 he left her after beginning an affair with a woman nine years younger than him (and 16 years younger than his wife.) I don't know if I believe this, but apparently this is how Gingrich described his first wife: "She's not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. And besides, she has cancer." Gingrich denies ever saying this and I want to believe even he's not that awful. In 1993, Gingrich started an affair with a House of Representatives staffer who was twenty-three years younger than him. This is the lovely and crazy-eyed Calista who he then married in 2000 after divorcing his second wife. Guys. Calista is thirty years younger than Newt's first wife! It looks like he enjoys dumping his wives in twenty year increments, so Calista better enjoy the eight years they've got left of their marriage. Per Bill Maher, if he gets elected President, Calista should be referred to as the Third Lady (AKA TLOTUS). Before you get your panties in a bunch about all the Democrats who've cheated on their wives, we know.

And then there's good old Rick Santorum. He enjoys BLOWING OFF gay people and the entire female race. Sometimes it's hard to believe that he's such a terrible person, because he looks like the kind of guy that would invite you over to his house for a barbeque. I'm guessing that's why the tea-partay likes him so much. Santorum calls himself the true conservative of the bunch and I guess he is if being a conservative means being a total bigot weirdo. He's exactly the kind of Republican that believes in small government EXCEPT when it comes to a woman's uterus. He's so pro-life, he thinks abortion should be illegal even in cases of rape and incest. And he thinks states should be given the right to outlaw contraception. If all that wasn't bad enough, he's equated homosexuality to pedophilia and bestiality. The man is a homophobe. He's also blamed radical feminism for making woman believe it's fulfilling to have professional lives outside the home. Um, apparently Santorum discovered a time machine and he's been visiting us from the 19th century. Did I mention the states of Iowa, Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri want him to be the Republican candidate?!
Finally, Mitt Romney. I feel a little guilty giving him a hard time, because he's pretty much getting BLOWN OFF by Republican voters. When it comes to Romney, conservatives feel like they're settling. The guy just can't get a break and he's kind of shooting himself in the foot. For instance, instead of saying he cares most about the middle class, he said he doesn't care about the very poor (or the very rich) and every headline read: Romney doesn't care about poor people. You almost have to feel bad for him. Except...he's totally that dude that will say anything just to get you to have sex with him. He's shady like that. Like, one second he's pro-choice, the next second he's pro-life. One second, he thinks gays and lesbians should be able to serve openly in the military, the next second, he doesn't. He's also gone back and forth on climate change, stem cell research, and same sex marriage. And sadly, what he really doesn't want anyone about is his one of his greatest accomplishments: healthcare reform in Massachusetts-- also known as Romneycare which is what "Obamacare" was based on. All that aside, some Republicans flat out won't vote for him, because he' Come on people, how hot would it be to have a first, second, and third lady all living in the white house together. Big Love meets West Wing, anyone?

All kidding aside, one of these men could be President. I'm pretty sure Abe Lincoln is totally rolling in his grave right now. And he was a Republican.

Friday, February 17, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: D-I-V-O-R-C-E by Tammy Wynette

Our little boy is four years old and quite a little man
So we spell out the words we don't want him to understand
Like T.O.Y or maybe S.U.R.P.R.I.S.E
But the words we're hiding from him now
Tear the heart right out of me.

Our D.I.V.O.R.C.E becomes final today
Me and little J.O.E will be goin' away
I love you both and it will be pure H.E double L for me
Oh, I wish that we could stop this D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
-Tammy Wynette*,1968

*Written by Bobby Braddock & Curly Putman

Thanks to our loyal reader Bethanie, owner of the Divorce Shower Store, for requesting this song!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Glossary of a BLOW OFF: the Christie Brinkley Effect

The Christie Brinkley Effect
function: noun
Origin: since the first hot girl and the first ugly guy got together.
Definition: When an average to below average guy ends up with a woman way out of his league and gets their ego so inflated from it, they actually believe they can do better than her.

I was just witness to a break up like this: a dorky guy completely scored with a girl way cooler than him in every way, only to abruptly break up with her after two years of dating (and living together). Our contributor Ad Nauseum told me this is what she and her friends call the Christie Brinkley effect. In her own words:

Basically, a guy who gets a girl who's way too good for him eventually grows resentful (instead of realizing what a good thing he has going, like a girl would). That resentment turns to a kind of emotional violence and leads him to do something destructive like break-up/cheat (the most common outgrowth of this)/emotionally abuse her. Also, having the girl better than them makes them think they're now better than they are. They don't understand that it's a one-off lucky situation but now their confidence is out of proportion to themselves and they have no perspective. We named it after Christie Brinkley re: her divorce from Billy Joel because he cheated. HE fucking cheated.

According to Ad Nauseum, guys like this usually never find anyone better and inevitably come crawling back once they realize this. Stupid suckers!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The most honest BLOW OFF ballad ever.

This is hilarious. Thanks to TM, our loyal reader, for bringing it to our attention. Adele better watch out. This shit is way more raw than anything she's ever written.

The bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

Remember how in this season's premiere episode, Ben what the F said every time he sees a hummingbird, it makes him feel like his dad is watching over him? Well...where the frack have all the hummingbirds been this season? We haven't seen a single one since the first episode which clearly means Ben's dad is not proud of him and doesn't want to have anything to do with him. He's as upset as we all are that his son just wants to date a model like every other lame guy out there.

Anyway. This episode begins with the girls arriving in Belize. We are reminded OVER and OVER again that the stakes are super high in this episode, because after this week comes the hometown dates...which is hand's down my favorite episode, because you have to wonder what kind of parents raised a girl dumb enough to go on The Bachelor. The ladies are greeted by Chris Harrison who decided to pull an extra shift in case ABC had any ideas of replacing him with Ben next season. Harrison has a pep in his step, because for once, the rules are a little different. Ben gets three one on one dates where no roses will be handed out. He also has a group date where one rose will be handed out. You with me?

Lindzi gets the first one on one date. I don't know what it is about this girl. She seems perfectly nice and cool and semi-normal for someone who would willingly go on a show like this. But I can't get behind her over-dyed hair and strange make up choices. Seriously, there might be a major shortage of foundation in the world, because Lindzi with a Z goes through a bottle a day. Ben comes to pick her up and honestly, I'm not sure I've ever been less attracted to the Bachelor. Like, I would rather get naked with Bob Guinney than this guy. Which is odd, because Ben is tall and lanky and quirky and from Northern California...but the fact that he's into Courtney just makes me want to poop on his face.

Anyway, Ben and Lindzi take a helicopter ride and hover over the Blue Hole which is really pretty and has some coral reefs, blah blah. But Lindzi is...wait for it...afraid of heights. What the fuck? Why is every girl on this show afraid of heights?? Ben totally cures her phobia by kissing her and they jump into the blue hole together and the entire sequence becomes one giant lame metaphor for relationships and team work and childbirth. Whatever.

Side note: did it weird anyone else out that these girls keep referring to the fact that Ben has five other girlfriends? Do they hear themselves? I get it, these girls have had their hearts broken and are looking for love, but I sort of feel like unless there was some major rape and incest in their childhoods, they should not be damaged enough to actually entertain going on The Bachelor.

Lindzi and Ben have dinner and they decide to write a little story on a piece of paper, stick it in a bottle, and throw it in the water. I know: so romantic, right? Lindzi, no joke, starts the story with "once upon a time" and then we get the most ridiculously cheesy sequence of her greatest moments with Ben set to weird music and cheap sparkly fairytale graphics. it just me or is the show really forcing this girl down our throats? Is it possible that Ben picks her at the end?

Oh, the other thing that bothers me about Lindzi: the way she says imporTanT. Why all the over-enunciating?

Back at the house, Emily gets the next one on one date and Courtney starts to worry that Ben doesn't like her after all and that the show may not be her meal ticket to fame. She actually starts to cry about how hard all this is. She can't believe Ben would want to go out on a date with the girl who treated her so bad. WTF is she talking about? Unless a lot of shit went down off camera, Emily basically cowered and cried in her presence. Also, who read the little expose on Courtney in Us Weekly? Can you believe she used to date Reese Witherspoon's husband?? What is wrong with men?

Emily and Ben have one of those lame boring low budget dates where all they do is ride a bike and look at street jewelry. Then, when they can't track down lobsters for dinner cause some PA totally did not do their job, they "spontaneously" decide to get on a boat with a lobsterman and catch their own lobsters. Emily gushes about how spontaneous Ben is. What is she smoking? This date was in pre-production before the show even knew who the contestants were.

Emily and Ben have their dinner date and I'm not really sure he's feeling her. I'm going to be honest. She was actually one of my faves this season. First of all, she can speak tribal languages and she was in school getting her PhD (before taking a leave to do this shit). And, even though it blew up in her face, she was the first one to call out Courtney for being the wife of Lucifer. (side note: why do Ben and her keep talking about all the time they lost talking about Courtney? They talked about her for like 2 minutes). Anyway, Em just seems normal and down to earth and super low maintenance, which Ben should like. But I'm getting a platonic feeling from him. I feel like she's not going to get the final final rose, but they're going to stay in touch, be best buddies, she'll be secretly in love with him, he'll have no idea, then five years from now, he'll be engaged, she'll try to stop the wedding, and they'll end up together.

Courtney's downward spiral continues back at the house when she tells the girls that if she doesn't get the next one on one date, she's dumping Ben. The date card arrives and Courtney's name is on it and she gets all smug and cocky. Even sweet little KCB can't deal with her and basically says she wanted to beat the shit out of her. Holy crap, I LOVE KCB now. I still think she's too young and virginal to get married to Ben, but she's got a little bit of tough bitch in her. If Courtney's not careful, she could wake up with a baton in her butt!

Ugh. Time for Courtney and Ben's one on one date. I really don't know if I can handle watching this. My hatred for her has reached new heights. They check out these Mayan Ruins (which I've actually been to!) and act like they just stumbled upon them...which is horse shit...because I think you have to pay admission to go and there's a whole museum on the grounds and everything. Anyway, they climb to the top and Courtney starts giving him a hard time about not getting a one on one date and how he took Emily out even though she was mean to her, blah blah blah, and how she's "lost the spark, babe." If she was any other girl, Ben would probably push her off the Mayan monument and send her home for complaining and not "going with the flow." INSTEAD, he tells her how much he likes her and how he could see himself spending the rest of his life with her. That's it. Courtney is a motherfucking genius. She has actually managed to play hard to get in a game where the guy gets to choose who he wants to date. This girl should be Vice-President. She could convince Republicans to give all their money to the poor. It's unreal. During an interview, she literally pretends to shoot all the other girls and actually says the words "kill shot." Somewhere Ben F is feeling like the world's biggest douche face. I actually hope he ends up with her. They deserve each other.

Side note observation: Ben says "oh my dad" when he's having a spiritual moment at the Mayan Ruins instead of "oh my God." Only agnostics and atheists do that. And KCB is a GCB...sooooo....not sure that's going to happen.

At dinner with Courtney, Ben and her get into it over the other girls in the house and how they don't like Court. She says she's bored by the other girls, calls them vanilla, and then proceeds to slip in how hard it is to be a model. When Ben asks her if she has a lot of friends she says: I have a lot of guy friends.

Note to men: A straight girl who has a lot of guy friends is what us ladies like to call a psycho bitch. For once, even Ben seems to be concerned and admits in an interview that one of his biggest fears is being with a woman who I love that everyone else hates. Oh, Ben. Run, run like the wind.

Group date time. Ben arrives at the hotel at 4am to wake up Rachel, Nicki, and KCB for their date. It was actually semi-entertaining watching these girls scramble to get ready that early in the morning. By the time they get on a boat and crack open a champagne bottle, I'm guessing it's around 6am. The girls learn they are going to be swimming with sharks...and surprise, surprise, Rachel's biggest fear = sharks. Ben spends most of the time calming her fears and KCB/Nicki are pissed that Ms. Scaredy Cat is taking Ben away from them. Then, Ben spends some alone time with each girl and KCB plays her trump card and tells Ben she's in love with him. The only other thing worth reporting on this group date is that Rachel and Nicki both have really big boobs AND the girls tell Ben to "tread lightly" with Courtney. Which is exactly what Ben told Emily about Courtney. Who ever really says "tread lightly" in everyday conversation?? Needless to say, Ben gives the rose to KCB who has always been a frontrunner and Courtney witnesses it from the balcony and later refers to KCB as a little girl in a little boy's body. Amaze-balls. I for one am super excited to meet KCB's conservative religious family.

Rose ceremony time. The girls are all nervous and Courtney tells them to get over it: Ben's not the only guy in the world. Which is oddly the most grounded thing she's said since we've met her and the girls are stunned by it. Ladies! Get it together! He's not the only guy in the world. Sheesh.

The rose ceremony finally begins and Ben kicks things off by taking Courtney aside to talk to her. I know this loser is going to give her a rose, so I don't listen to much of what's being said. All I know is that these other girls are giving Ben way too much credit by thinking he'll see Courtney's "true colors." Courtney assures him that she's there for the right reasons and...that's all it takes to get a rose. Ben sends the two blondes home-- Rachel and Emily (my faves) which means Nicki, Lindzi, Courtney, and KCB are all getting hometown dates. Rachel and Emily both cry which is super annoying. For once, can we hear one of these girls say that they aren't interested in a guy that would be interested in model head? I'm honestly a little surprised that Nicki got a rose, but I'm guessing Ben is keeping her around so he can bury his face in her bosom. I also don't really mind that Courtney's sticking around, cause let's face it, this show would be a snooze fest without her and I'm dying to meet her family. Here's hoping Ben is just keeping her around, because he wants to bone her in the fantasy suite. According to Us Weekly and sources close to Courtney, when she's about to have sex with a guy she says "are you ready for your date with destiny?" OMG. Are we sure this girl wasn't created in the 80s by two teenaged boys and their computer?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Exclusive: My Interview with Cupid

I wanted to do something special for you guys on Valentine's Day this year, so I tracked down one of the most elusive figures in Roman mythology. Cupid. For reals! It wasn't easy. The guy is more private than Banksy and Terrence Malick combined. But give him a little scotch and you can't shut him up. Below is my interview.

I sat at the bar at the Soho House, dressed in my favorite unassuming boots/legging combo, waiting for Cupid to show up for our interview. He was twenty minutes late, but with Valentine's Day on the horizon, I figured he was busy and decided to give him a pass. Plus, I was too busy watching the intense exchange across the way between Michael Fassbender and Jason Segal over whose penis looks better on celluloid. The argument ends with Fassbender pulling down his pants and Jason Segal running away in tears. Twenty minutes later, Cupid finally shows up.

His hair was dark and messy. It looked like he hadn't shaved in days. His eyes were puffy from lack of sleep. He was dressed in a pair of beat up jeans and a grey T-shirt that looked perfectly worn out. He carried a vintage bow and quiver of arrows like it was no big thing. I wanted to punch him and hold him all at the same time. He grabbed a seat next to me and ordered us both a glass of their finest Scotch. He looked at me with his giant brown eyes and apologized for being late. He had a fight with his girlfriend and they needed to have make up sex before he could leave his hotel room. I laughed in a way that said "I'm late ALL the time, because of make up sex." Anyway, we got our drinks, toasted to love, and commenced the interview.

Saaara: How does it feel to be the most hated mythic figure in the world this time of year?
Cupid: Ouch. You don't pull any punches.

S: I don't know if you're aware of this, but a lot of people hate Valentine's Day. If they're single, it makes them feel pretty lonely.
Look. I get that. There's a lot of people that like to blame me for being alone. I'm an easy scapegoat. I just put them on my "die alone" list and go on with my day.

S: There's a die alone list? Who's on it??
C: George Clooney. I just added Kim Kardashian.

S: Wow, okay....moving on. What inspires you to shoot an arrow? Do you look for ways two people are similar or different when you bring them together?
C: It's hard to explain. What drives anyone to be with anyone? What attracts the sun to the sky? Why do penguins mate for life?

S: I have no idea what any of that means.
C: (he looks around and lowers his voice) It's mostly random. I've never quite perfected my aim, so a lot of times the wrong people end up together. It's all pretty arbitrary. Think about it. There are a lot of single people in the world. If I was actually going to research on why one person should end up with another, I'd have no time to sleep. So, I just take aim and hope for the best. I end up with more "me" time and the world ends up with a higher divorce rate. That's the trade-off. (looks off to the side as actress and Oscar nominee Rooney Mara walks by) Wow. She's even prettier in person.

S: How do you feel when people say Valentine's Day is just a Hallmark holiday.
C: People think that?

S: Come on, Cupid. Don't play dumb.
C: (takes a long swallow of his drink) It pisses me off. I work hard. I'm doing my best here. The economy isn't what it used to be. I've had to downsize. I'm getting killed by all these internet dating sites out there. OkCupid? Those fuckers didn't even ask permission to use my name. So. Yeah. There's some single sad lonely people out there that dread Valentine's Day. Women mostly. And don't get me wrong. I feel for them. But that's why I convinced God to invent chocolate and Girls Night Out. I'm trying here.

And I think he means it when he says it. He looks broken and tired. Kind of like Barack Obama. I decide to change course for a second and focus on the positive.

S: Which one of your pairings are you most proud of?
C: (huge grin) If you asked me a month ago, I would have said Heidi and Seal, but we all know how that turned out. So, I'm gonna go with Haru and Kenneth Potter. She's Japanese. He's British. They've been married for 52 years and split their time between Tokyo and London. They're both artists. They've had sex everyday since they got married.

S: Wow. What's their secret?
C: They have an open marriage. I never said they have sex with each other everyday.

S: Holy crap. What are you saying, Cupid? You don't believe in monogamy?
C: I do. As much as I believe in the Tooth Fairy and Santa. They used to sleep together, by the way.

At this point, I fall out of my stool and the nice hostess at the Soho House asks me to pull it together or they'll have to escort me out in front of all these very attractive and powerful celebrities. I try my best to play it cool.

S: Santa and the Tooth Fairy had an affair?
C: He messed her up. Bad. She tried to off herself by swallowing a handful of molars. People shit all over Valentine's Day and let their kids sit on Santa's lap when the guy has been cheating on Mrs. Claus for years. The man is such a hypocrite. (He says this next part loud and everyone in the place stares at us) Who keeps a naughty and nice list when they're out there boning everything that moves? Fat. Fuck.

S: Well, this has been eye-opening to say the least.
C: What can I say. Love is complex. I bring people together, but I can't be held responsible for what happens after. There's collateral damage. Hearts get broken. Shit gets shitty.

He sounds so...complacent and oddly attractive.

S: If you had to leave it all behind tomorrow, what would you do instead?
C: I'd be an actor.

And then something weird happens. Cupid leans into me and puts his hand on my knee. He finishes both our drinks.

C: What do you say we get out of here?

I slap his hand away and remind him I'm married. He rolls his eyes, musses his hair, then lights a cigarette and says, totally straightfaced: Happy Valentine's Day. Then he walks right up to Rooney Mara like the player I always secretly knew he was. And that's when I notice: he left his bow and quiver of arrows right by my feet. I pick them up and make a run for it.

*photo credit: Getty Images, Maria Pavlova

Monday, February 13, 2012

the relationship status BLOW OFF

Now that we live in the world of relationship status updates on Facebook, I think it's time to set some ground rules on how to deal with a break up and not be a complete idiot about it on the internet.

So, NEW RULE: If you just broke someone's heart into a million pieces and they're just beginning to process things like, I don't know, having to move out of the home they share with you...then, it's probably better to wait more than twelve hours before you announce the break up to all your mutual friends via your Facebook relationship status. You know, so maybe the person who you completely blind-sided would have enough time to tell sister and friends themselves, instead of everyone they love learning the news on Facebook.

I know what you're thinking, because I'm psychic. Who would send someone reeling by dumping them and then be narcissistic enough to announce it to their Facebook friends just hours later? Only a total douche bag. Here's how I think a change in relationship status should be handled on Facebook. Perhaps if you're the person doing the dumping, you can hold off on making any sort of internet announcements until the person who got dumped has had enough time to let things sink in and change their status first. I know, I know-- when you're someone who thrives on attention, it can be hard to hold your tongue that long, but don't you think it's the least you could do? Also, you can even quietly change your relationship status without it showing up on everyone's newsfeed.

Oh, and there's also no reason to write a public statement in your status update to tell your side of the story on the break up. Yes, I know-- who would be arrogant enough to assume something like this is necessary? Again, only a total douche bag. Here's the deal. Unless you're a famous person, you do not need to make some public statement about your break up. Do the 300+ people on Facebook that hardly even know you really care? No. And your close friends and family can be contacted via text, e-mail, or phone. I don't care if you feel like you need to explain yourself, because people think you're an asshole. You are an asshole. Just accept it.

Friday, February 10, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Call it Off by Tegan & Sara

Maybe I would have been
something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad
but in case
I'll go there
To make myself feel bad
there's a chance
I'll start to wonder
if this was the thing to do.
-Tegan & Sara, 2008

The official video for this song was disabled, but I'm kind of obsessed with this dance video instead. These girls are awesome.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Living alone & the BLOW OFF

Even though I spew a lot of opinions when it comes to dating and relationships on this blog, I'm the first to admit that half the time I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. But if you don't mind indulging me for this one post, I'd like to get a little cocky and preachy and Oprah-fied. If there's one piece of advice I could give to the ladies (and gents) it would be this:

Live by yourself.

I know it's not financially feasible for all, but I highly recommend living alone for at least a year or two rather than going from roommates to a significant other. Trust me. There is something magical about it. It's an experience you don't want to miss out on. For starters, the apartment hunt is way easier when you only have yourself to please. Once you move in, you can decorate the place exactly how you want to decorate it. You can watch whatever you want on TV. You can let the dishes pile up. You can go to the bathroom with the door open. You can walk around naked. You can bleach your mustache and cover your face with zit cream and no one has to know about it. You can fart out loud without having to giggle and apologize about it. It's a beautiful thing.

I lived by myself for two years before taking the co-habitation plunge. My older sister lived on her own in New York and then in San Francisco and since I never outgrew wanting to be her, I decided that I had to live by myself too. So, I found the perfect one bedroom a block away from Sunset Junction in Silverlake, thanks to a friend that also lived in the building. I actually got to pick out furniture from Ikea without making sure other people liked it too. Sure, it had its drawbacks-- like my psychotic downstairs neighbors and my "things that go bump in the night" scares and worst of all-- not having any girls around to help me pick out an outfit. But it taught me how to be alone. So, now when the H bomb goes on business trips, I don't collapse in a heap on our hardwood floors wondering if I'll survive through the night.

I will admit...I wasn't single during my living alone phase and did spend a few nights a week at the bf's. I do think the experience could be more challenging without some company once in awhile, but hey, there's something to be said for living solo and dating. I'm guessing it would be exactly like Carrie Bradshaw's life in Sex and the City.

Anyway, if the option to live by yourself is still there, give it a try. If not, don't freak out. We can't always experience everything we want before we shack up with someone forever. I came to terms with the fact that I'll never get to date a girl or have a threesome a long time ago.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode six

The episode begins with the girls arriving in Panama City, Panama and getting super excited about their hotel room. I have to say, I'm really kind of missing The Bachelor house. Have they even been there since the first episode? Does that place just stay empty? OMG. I totally want to be a squatter and live there! I would end every day by giving myself a rose. And then after I got old and died, I would go Paranormal Activity on the contestants. Cause you know this shit is going to last for another fifty seasons at least.

Anyway. Courtney talks about the skinny dipping incident in this episode almost as much as Emily Maynard talked about her dead boyfriend. To answer Sassypants question from last week, depending on how cold and deep the ocean was, I'm not sure they actually boned-- but I'm willing to bet Courtney stuck her thumb up Ben's butthole.

Holy crap. Chris Harrison better watch his back, because Tall Tattoo from Fantasy Island totally shows up with the first date card. Ben is clearly hoping to take Harrison's gig after this is all over. What the fuck? Does he think it's just that easy to do Chris Harrison's job? The man is a once in a generation kind of talent.

KCB gets the first one on one date. Okay, I like her-- but it bothers me that she's 24 and she's looking for a husband on a reality show. Isn't it a little too early in life to give up on meeting men the traditional way: on the internet and/or outside of Turkish bath houses?

Ugh, another helicopter ride? STOP! Unless we're going to get a full on sex scene in one of these things, fuggedaboutit. Anyway, KCB says that at this point, it doesn't really matter what they're going to do on their date. She's with Ben and that's all that matters. WHAT? I feel like she's the kind of girl that stands by her man no matter what. Like, Ben F could murder all her family members, then eat them with some fava beans and a nice chianti and she would probably serve him leftovers the next day with a big fat submissive smile on her face.

The helicopter takes them to a secluded island and leaves them there to fend for themselves ALL ALONE. Look, ABC. Enough is enough. We know there's a camera crew with these people. Am I really supposed to believe Ben and KCB cooked that fish themselves? Um, I'm pretty sure there's a craft services table right behind them. Anyway, Ben says this is an opportunity for them to see if they can work well together in life., when KCB gets into a tragic car accident and is paralyzed from the neck down and can't twirl her Ben going to say "sweetie, we'll get through this. We cracked coconuts together." Hmmm. Probably.

Once again, we hear Ben say how KCB goes with the flow. This guy is so transparent. He totally wants a girl that's submissive, has no opinions, and is going to go out of her way to make him feel like he's the second coming. Gross. I really do hope he ends up with the model, cause you know that bitch is as high maintenance as they come.

Ben and KCB have dinner and she says she's going to open up to him like she hasn't opened up to any guy. Wait, does that mean-- she's going to do anal??? (Sassypants. Your game is super fun)

Back at the house, Rachel and Blakely learn they are going on the two on one date and Blakely pretty much shits herself from excitement, because she's positive she's going to get a rose. I'm Team Rachel all the way. If this guy picks Blakely over her, then there's something severely wrong with him. I feel like after having sex with Blakely, you'd have to get that crazy Silkwood radiation shower:

Okay, so at dinner-- KCB stays true to her word and opens up to Ben-- but she doesn't let him perform anal on her. Instead, she tells him that she feels old for her age because...she had an eating disorder in high school. Um...what is she talking about? Who didn't have an eating disorder in high school? Who doesn't have an eating disorder now? If we cut back to the other girls, I'm sure they're all either bingeing or purging. Wait. Do you think she stuck her baton down her throat? I'm not trying to be insensitive here. Eating disorders are for reals, but unless she was hospitalized and/or in a Lifetime movie with Tracy Gold, I'm not gonna feel that bad for her. Either way, Ben has no response. He's terrible at consoling these girls. I think he's annoyed that her bulimia convo is taking time away from her telling him how great he is. Anyway, KCB gets a rose. Duh.

If I have to see another "coming up" promo of KCS crying in the car, I'm going to lose my shit. Can we just get to this scene already???

This was a pretty lame group date. Ben picks the girls up on the boat and the girls swoon over his manly prowess. It was a total mind fuck seeing Jamie get interviewed in this episode. I assumed she would have a lisp or a thick Russian accent, but she's pretty normal. Even though the model does have a pretty face, I do take pleasure in the fact that she's got stumps for legs.

Suddenly, we see these token brown kids in loincloths playing soccer. They see Ben F and the girls coming and they run for their freaking lives. I start screaming at the TV: run faster, run faster...but it's too late. The girls and Ben find their village and the locals are forced to come out and entertain them. Man, I wish this was one of those villages where Caucasian people got their heads shrunk.

The girls change into traditional Panama City tribal-wear and of course, Courtney decides to go bra-less under her top. The hilarious thing is, she thinks she looks all sexy and hot, but she ends up looking totally ridiculous with the black bar over her boobs the whole time. And Ben is just the scum of the earth for saying that he appreciated seeing her boobies. What is his problem? He is never going to get a date after this.

It's cocktail par-tay time. Oh, no. What is Jamie wearing? It looks like it's right off the racks of Contempo Casuals cirqa 1994. UGH. Ben makes a toast to girls that go with the flow. Here's the deal-- women that always go with the flow are about as real as unicorns.

Lindzi and Ben get some one on one time where once again he says that he doesn't like girls that are drama or high maintenance and that he doesn't believe in fighting. Dear Ben, you should date a corpse. Lindzi admits that she has cried which means I was right-- Rachel is the only contestant we have yet to see shed a tear. Side note, does Lindzi have mouth herpes?

Anyway, here were the two highlights from the group date. Jamie tries to make a move on Ben-- it turns out, she hasn't even kissed him, which totally begs the questions-- what the fuck is she still doing on this show? Well, just as she tries to seduce Ben, Courtney arrives in her bikini and swims in the background. And the guy actually says during an on camera interview that he's finding it difficult to focus. The fuck! If I was Jamie, I'd smack him across the face, spit in his mouth, make fun of his hair, and quit the show. It would save her SO much embarrassment later.

The next best scene is when Dr. Emily, PhD decides to take the high road with Courtney and for some odd reason tells her she was wrong about her, even though Velveteen Rabbit face was being super terrible on the group date. But I'll give Em credit-- she was trying to turn a new leaf and be a nice person and then...wait for it...Courtney responds with-- I don't forgive and forget. We'll never be friends. I don't respect you. Ben comes over at the tail end of the conversation and gives the group date rose to Lindzi which is lame, because it would have been such a burn to the whore bitch model if Emily got it. The main reason I don't want Courtney to make it to the final two is that I want her to get the shit kicked out of her during the Women Tell All episode.

I almost forgot, after the group date, we get some weird scene of Courtney waiting for Ben to stop by her hotel room and then getting all upset when he doesn't show. Um. What is happening? Are we supposed to feel sorry for her right now?

The two on one date is just straight up terrible. Blakely and Rachel have to change into these terrible cocktail dresses and learn to salsa dance with Ben. Blakely definitely turns up the stripper-ho and Ben actually seems pretty into it. It's like he's a thirteen year old boy that's never had sex or kissed anyone but his sister. It's creepy. Ben and the girls go to dinner and he gets some private time with each of them. During his alone time with Blakely, she decides to unleash her secret weapon.


I'm not kidding. Are these girls out of their minds??? On what universe do you ever give a guy a scrapbook? If I gave the H-bomb a scrapbook tomorrow, he would probably file for divorce and change the locks. Ladies-- you can only make scrapbooks for your girlfriends and that's only if you're under the age of fifteen. Needless to say, Blakely does not get a rose and she has a nervous breakdown. First, she runs away from Ben--insert shot of stray cat--- and then she convulses into his arms. We don't even get a post-break up interview. I'm guessing the first thing she did when she got into that van was eat the scrapbook. Poor Blakely. I could see her having some sort of lurid affair with Chris Harrison someday.

Speaking of Chris's the moment we've been waiting for all episode!!! Harrison arrives before the cocktail party and tells the girls he needs to talk to KCS. She has the goofiest grin on her face like she expects him to tell her they're ending the season early, because Ben's made up his mind and he wants to marry her. They walk outside and I proceed to have a full fledged panic attack. What is he going to tell her??? Does she have cancer? Did her cat die? Did her mom get into a car accident? Is she really an illegal alien from Switzerland??
It's none of those things. Harrison has basically heard from a few different people back home that KCS is in love with another man. Hold up. How easy is it to get ahold of Chris Harrison? I want to call him up and tell him I have it on good authority that he's into anal bleaching. Okay. I promise, that's the last anus reference in this recap.

The best part about this whole sequence is that KCS mistakes it for an intervention or therapy session and starts confiding in Chris about her ex-boyfriend Michael and how he'll never marry her and how she doesn't know how she feels about him and maybe she should go to therapy. I would give both my arms to know Harrison's interior monologue during her incoherent rambling. I'm pretty sure he was thinking about how he was going to get a mani/pedi later and have a shrimp cocktail sent up to his room.

Anyway, KCS has to go tell the truth to Ben and once again, she can't really put two words together. Ben proceeds to lecture her on how he let other girls go who really wanted to be there. Fuck that. Dear Ben, KCS has as much charisma and personality as an unfertilized egg. You kept her around because she was hot. You have no one to blame but yourself. Anyway, KCS leaves barefoot and goes into a serious ugly cry. I'm pretty sure she was crying over Michael and not Ben. Here's a pic of her and her ex in case you were curious...

Cocktail party time. The only thing you need to know about this cocktail party is that poor Jamie made a complete fool of herself. Let this be a lesson to all you older siblings-- if your parents are deadbeats-- do not agree to raise your younger brothers and sisters. It will turn you into an awkward weirdo that does not know how to talk to men. Jamie literally says that she needs to show Ben "that I'm a woman, that I'm sexy, and that I can please him." And she does that by straddling him and laughing, while she tries to kiss him. But it doesn't end there. She decides they need to give the kiss another shot and gives him step by step directions. I'm talking: we start with our mouths closed for three seconds, then we open them 15 degrees for ten seconds, then we close them again, then my tongue touches your tongue, then we sing the first verse of Like a Prayer, then we open them really wide and shove our tongues down each other's throats, then we have an eskimo kiss, and then we do the whole thing over again. I am honestly not sure if I have seen anything quite as awkward and I'm afraid poor Jamie has to go into some sort of dating protection program after this. In case you were wondering, she's the one that's sent home at the end of the episode. I feel bad for Jamie. I'm really going to miss her glittery eye shadow and crispy hair. Best of luck to her on her quest for true love.