Friday, March 30, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Part of Me by Katy Perry

This is the part of me
that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me
that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
Throw your sticks and stones
Throw your bombs and your blows
But you're not gonna break my soul.
-Katy Perry, 2012

I can't get enough of this song. Seriously, it's like the perfect treadmill track. But this video is so ridiculous.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

desperately seeking dating feedback

If you've ever worked in a corporate setting, then chances are, you're familiar with the 360 review process. For those of you that have never gone through it, it basically provides an employee with performance feedback from everyone they work with: subordinates, peers, higher-ups, etc. So, when one of our loyal readers sent me this got me thinking, what if there were 360 reviews for relationships?

The website only gets us halfway there. They offer men and women the opportunity to get feedback on RE: their failed relationship attempts, from the very person that disappeared on them. Check out the video for the full explanation.

I hope we can all agree, this is a terrible idea. I'm willing to bet that most guys far, far away if a girl sent them a request for feedback after a date. It reeks of desperation-- or I've been dumped a lot and I'm trying to figure out why. I have a feeling their only clientele are former Bachelor contestants. Plus, if a guy was too lazy and non-confrontational to actually break up with you, I'm not sure he'd willingly take the time to fill out a survey listing all your faults. Unless of course he's one of those people that just loves to fill out surveys. According to this article, the site has gotten 1,300 solicitations for feedback and only 300 people have actually responded.

I'm seriously considering testing it out by asking a guy I used to date to fill out one of these things, but I'm too terrified that the feedback would be "not physically attracted to her"-- if you think about it, unless you're in the "she's so awesome, I'm intimidated" category, then they probably stopped pursuing you, because they thought you'd give them ugly babies.

Either way, WotWentWrong needs a little help. First of all, I'm really not into them spelling the word "what" wrong. I know it was probably a domain name issue, but couldn't they have at least gone with "Wut"? Also, they need to be a little more ambitious with their whole concept. Why not make it a full on anonymous 360 review, where the person seeking advice could also solicit feedback from friends, family, and co-workers. I could tell you my theory on why some friends and family members have had a pattern of bad relationships, but it's not like I'm ever going to tell them to their faces. But via anonymous survey?! Bring it!

Any takers on doing a full on investigative report on this site for the BLOW OFF? I might force the H bomb to fill one out for me.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

my ex-celebrity boyfriends and why I BLEW them OFF

One thing that bummed me out when I got married last year was realizing my childhood dreams of marrying my celebrity crush(es) would never come true. I would never be Mrs. Ethan Hawke. And I had to accept that. But truth be told, the celebs that I was totally infatuated with in my teen years are just not that cool anymore. They've lost their hotness. Their edge. Some of them are barely even in movies anymore. That little place in my heart that was once reserved for them has now been taken over by Ryan Gosling. Scratch that. Jennifer Lopez is more like it. Seriously, the H bomb thinks I'm a lesbian because I gush about how pretty she looks on American Idol every week.

So, here are the three celebrity crushes I've decided to BLOW OFF:

#1 Ethan Hawke

He was hands down my ultimate celebrity crush ever since he played the shy vulnerable kid in Dead Poets Society. And then what followed was Reality Bites which remains my favorite movie to this day. I even thought he looked sexy in Alive when he ate a dead person's butt. I essentially became an Ethan Hawke stalker. I named my goldfish after him. Thanks to my amazing cousin Mitra, I skipped school to go to his book signing in San Francisco. (My signed copy of The Hottest State is still one of my prized possessions.) Then, I saw him in person again my first trip to Sundance. And after I moved to NY, I would see him strolling the streets on a regular basis. It was true love. And now in LA, I occasionally see him at the gym. But it's just not the same. I don't love him the way I loved him when I was fifteen, listening to him read a chapter of his novel while Uma Thurman smiled in the wings. The guy hasn't been smoking hot since Great Expectations. So, what happened? What made Ethan Hawke less enticing.


Well...he sort of never outgrew the grunge thing. And it turns out that he takes himself way too seriously. Sure, that was hot when I was a teenager, but now that I'm in my thirties, I need a guy that's got a sense of humor. But worst of all, he totally cheated on his wife while she was making Kill Bill, because she was too busy being a "movie star." Say it isn't so. Ethan Hawke is one of those guys that can't deal with being with a woman more successful than him? He loved Uma, but only when she was sitting in the wings of his books signings? If that wasn't bad enough, he married his kids' nanny, who unlike Uma, took his last name. My former literary love is nothing but a cliche. I saw his new wife at the gym once too and she looks like a shorter version of Uma Thurman. Which is another strike, because I just can't get behind men that only date blondes. Who am I kidding. I will always love Ethan.

#2 Christian Bale

I once met Christian Bale (also at Sundance) after my friends and I waited in line for hours to see American Psycho and couldn't get tickets. He was super charming and let us take a picture with him. Don't get me wrong, I still think he's a great actor, but I just don't know if I can ever look at him the same ever since that on set rant got leaked on the internet.


Guys with tempers just don't do it for me. I feel like he's the kind of dude that goes ape shit on a cab driver if they take a wrong turn or doesn't tip a waiter if they accidentally bring him tap water. Also, even though he's hot as Batman, he was at his peak in American Psycho and that was forever ago.

#3 Jared Leto

What the fuck happened to Jared Leto? I mean, the guy got cast to play Jordan Catalono. The ultimate high school love interest. He was so dreamy then. Remember? Remember when he declared his love for Angela in front of the whole school by holding her hand? And then all of a sudden he turned into a really cheesy rock star in a band that's had maybe one hit song. No. No No. I just can't be sexually attracted to a straight guy that wears eye-liner in a decade that's not the 1980s. Plus, he even dated an Olsen twin. At least Christian Bale is still hot. Jared looks like Stefan from Saturday Night Live.


To be fair, he looks a lot better than that these days, but who cares. I will never be able to wipe the image of the above photo from my mind.

So, I guess at the end of the day, it's a good thing I didn't end up with any of these guys. They've all lost a little bit of the hotness they had in the nineties. And they've all been knocked out of my top five. What about you readers? Any huge celebrity crushes from your childhood that you've since BLOWN OFF? Comment below.


Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I just dumped someone. Now What?

Sometimes breaking up with someone can be just as difficult as being broken up with. ahahahahaha, that is a big fat lie. Let's face it. It's never as hard as getting dumped. But if you find yourself feeling a little guilty about shattering someone's heart in a kabillion little pieces, then here are a few things you should think about doing now.

10. Ask yourself if you actually broke up with the person or if you chose to just completely disappear and ignore them. This is not cool. Technically, I'm going on 20 years of dating by sixth grade boyfriend, because we never actually had a break up talk. He just ignored me. So, as far as I'm concerned, we're still together. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw-- "I think you can all get over your fear of looking like the bad guy and actually have the uncomfortable break up conversation, cause here's what-- avoiding that is what makes you the bad guy!" True dat, sistah! And I'm going to go out on a limb and say a text message, an email, and a phone call does not count. If you've been dating someone for more than two months, then you need to break up with them IN PERSON. Phone calls are only acceptable if you're doing long distance.

9. So, even if you do break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend in person, you are still the bad guy. Accept it. Don't fight it. Don't try to set the record straight on your Facebook page. Unless you're dumping someone for beating you or cheating on you, then just accept the fact that they are the victim and stop asking for sympathy or understanding.

8. Maybe there's a small part of you that just feels like the timing is off or that maybe someday down the road, you could really end up with this person. That's fine, but keep that shit to yourself. Hope after a break up is a terrible thing. If you give the person you're dumping even an inkling of it, then it'll be way harder for them to move on with anyone else. Seriously, we'll just assume that if we date anyone else it will permanently close the door of getting back together with you-- even when that door isn't really open in the first place.

7. Be honest. If there is someone else, tell us there's someone else. And if you stay friends with us and then eventually there's someone else...even if it has been years since our break up, you still need to tell us there's someone else. I tried to stay friends with a guy I dated who I was still totally infatuated with and when he disappeared, I actually let myself assume it was just because it was too hard for him to be friends with me. This was before the release of the book He's Just Not That Into You, so when I eventually discovered he disappeared because he fell in love with someone, I felt totally humiliated that I wasted months laying in bed, listening to sad music, while still wondering about him. Cause while I was squeezing my pillow and singing along to It Ain't Me by Bob Dylan, he was ejaculating into someone's vagina.

6. Do not even think about getting a haircut. You broke up with us! You don't get to change your look unless you decide to get a face tattoo or dip the lower half of your body into a vat of acid. Just consider not looking hot for a few months in case we run into you. You already hurt us once, if you get all attractive afterwards, it's epsom salt in the wound.

5. Consider having sex with us again. I know this might contradict #8, but a couple of my break ups were easier to get over after a little bit of reunion sex. The whole "yup, he still wants me" thing goes a long way.

4. New rule: if the reason you give for dumping someone is that you don't want to be in a relationship, then you have to wait at least six months before getting into a relationship with someone else. It's only fair.

3. Move. Far away. Like really far away. Like to Greenland. Which I guess if you're one of the 146 residents reading this in Ellesmere Island, then Greenland is not really far away enough. I know this might seem drastic, but considering you are going to live in the back of our minds for a very long time, it's just polite to at least keep some geographical distance from us. But don't move to the one place we've told you we've always wanted to live. If I'm obsessed with Paris and then you dump me and move to Paris, well then, you're truly a sick human being.

2. Apologize. I know it sounds trite, but just hearing someone say "I'm really sorry I hurt you" and actually meaning it, does help a little. When you've been dumped, all you want is for the person that hurt you to feel as much pain as you are feeling. And if you won't consider suddenly developing a self mutilation problem, well then, at least pretend like you feel really shitty about it. It sucks to feel like the person that's breaking up with you doesn't feel an iota of sadness over it.

1. Regret it. Regret it 'til the day you die. Actually, if you ever find yourself on your deathbed, just send letters to everyone you've ever dumped and pretend like you've regretted 'til the day you died. For an extra touch, include some song lyrics you've written about them. By the time the letter's received, you'll be dead so it ain't no big thing. And you'll get lots of people to visit your grave and throw their bodies on your tombstone and cry. But if you've dumped me and you send me one of those letters, be warned: I will just light a bunch of cigarettes even though I don't smoke, ash on your grave, then make a little flower bouquet out of cigarette butts. Then I'll dig up your corpse and be like "You don't look so hot now. I win! I win!"

Monday, March 26, 2012

the hunger games BLOW OFF

Um, I'm obviously late to the party, but I just recently discovered that you can create your own someecards!? That's so hot! We're totally going to do a line of BLOW OFF cards! Here's our first attempt. Katniss forever!

the Black and White BLOW OFF

My first real boyfriend was in the 8th grade. We dated for two whole weeks. I think we would have made it at least a month if something hadn’t come between us.

About a week into our relationship, I was in class, writing a love note to my new boyfriend when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and a girl I had been friends with since kindergarten was sitting behind me. Here’s where I will note that I am a white girl. This girl was black… as was my boyfriend. And she had a very strong message for me: I was not to be dating a black guy. She made it very clear this message was not just from her – it was from all the black girls we knew. I was shocked. Not only were these girls my friends, but it hadn’t occurred to me that it would ever be an issue. I spent another few days thinking it over and eventually did the only thing a white girl in the 8th grade knows how to do in this situation – I wrote him a note breaking up with him. I didn’t look him in the eye for weeks. I also never told him WHY I broke up with him. I really didn’t know how to say that we couldn’t date because I was white – and I also didn’t want to admit out loud that the other girls had intimidated me.

This incident was never spoken of again between any of my 8th grade classmates. The guy and I are now facebook friends and I’m not even sure he would remember that we were even boyfriend/girlfriend. We didn’t even get a chance to kiss or have our parents drive us awkwardly to the movies. I went on to stay friends with the girl who delivered the message – and most of the other girls behind it. It just seemed like a fact: white girls at our school were not to date the black guys at our school.

I want to say that I’ve gotten over this breakup because it was roughly 12 years ago and I was a child. But… I haven’t. No, I do not think I would have ended up marrying that guy or even making it to summer vacation as his girlfriend. However, I can’t get over that something like race came between us and I just shrugged it off and went on my way.

I'm not really sure there's any junior high kids reading this blog but I really hope black and white kids alike are just dating whoever the hell they want with no pressure. I will resist quoting the Michael Jackson song cause I know y'all are hearing it in your heads anyway.

Friday, March 23, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Be With You by The Bangles

This one's for MCR.

And when I'm lost in a dream
You are all I can see
All alone in the night I'm waiting for you
Every moment I'd die
Just to look in your eyes
The dream is alive
I'm waiting

Oh my, how I try
To make you see that
I should be with you.

-The Bangles, 1988

Thursday, March 22, 2012

happy birthday to the H-bomb

You guys know I don't like to get sappy, but I'd like to take a moment to commemorate the birth of the LOML or "life partner" as he's called in my phone. He was the pot of gold at the end of my BLOW OFF acid-rainbow.
In the words of Taylor Swift, I heart him.

to procreate or BLOW OFF

Not too long ago, the awesome book club I'm in read the book Super Sad Love Story by Gary Shteyngart. It was supposed to take place in the future and all the characters carried around these crazy computers called äppäräts (think iPads), so that if you were say, in a bar-- you could access stats about everyone around you-- including their "fuckability" and their cholesterol levels. You wouldn't have to ask pertinent questions like "do you have a syphilis?" or "do you want kids?" because all the information you could ever need about that person would be right there. It's a scary thought, but it occurred to me that maybe it would save us the time of getting into pointless relationships. Especially when it comes to the issue of having children.

I know several people who have ultimately ended relationships, because they wanted kids and the other person didn't (or vice versa). And this is after dating for months, even years. Shit. Shouldn't this have been discussed the very first time they occupied space at the same bar or party? If only they had a little computer to tell them to not even bother, they'd be breaking up a year from now over the procreation issue. I don't really understand why people stick it out so long with someone that doesn't want the same things they want. Is it because they think the person will eventually come around or is that they think they can talk themselves out of wanting what the other person doesn't? I had a friend who was with a guy that for various reasons she knew she would never have children with. She used to say that it was fine, because having kids wasn't all that important to her. Eventually, they broke up and when she met someone who did in fact want kids, she was finally able to admit to herself that she'd always wanted them too.

Personally, I want children eventually. I'm going to be old and feeble someday and I need people who I can guilt into taking care of me. Also, if you only live once, I want to experience as much as I can and that includes raising kids. I'm still too selfish for them and I'm having a hard enough time raising a puppy, so for now, my adorable little eggs will have to wait to get fertilized. And if I'm unable to bear children, well those adorable little orphans in some third world country where I can just kidnap them without going through legal channels will have to wait too. The H bomb and I have always been on the same page on the kids issue and I think we had the conversation pretty early in our relationship. (I mean, I don't beat around the bush. Right before I kissed the guy the first time I asked him "do you believe in God?" He said yes, I kissed him anyway.) We've always agreed that we want children, but if for some reason it wasn't in the cards for us, it wouldn't be the end of the world. That's a lie. It kind of would be.

But for those of us that don't like to have those talks right out of the gate (i.e. sane people), what's the next best thing? Here's what I propose. You know how high school kids apparently wear those jelly bracelets to connote all the sexual acts they've done? Well, it's not as fancy as an all-knowing computer, but maybe adults should start sporting them too to tell people where we stand on children, religion, and politics. Think about it. It would make it so much easier to avoid all the annoying people.

Anyway. Here's a BLOW OFF clip from my fave show Parenthood where Mark and Sarah break up over the having kids issue. Tears!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

BLOWING OFF the live-in

So, let me start this with the 'in my defense' part of the story. I had been single for nearly two years. Mostly by choice but the last six months had been spent on a desperate search for some type of companionship. And by desperate I mean the kind that is more obvious than the "trying to look older mustache" on a teenage boy. The kind of desperate that rolls off in waves like the stench of too much Aqua Velva on a really fat man in a crowded space on a hot summer day. ( I know, any amount of Aqua Velva is too much but I'm painting a picture here). I was so desperate that I couldn't get laid despite being willing, female, clean and not smelly. Admittedly I was fat at the time but not obese. I don't have any weird facial hair or a hump but something about me just sent the men running.

I had gone to the clubs with the best friend only to stand there as all men hit on her and not even the wing man was willing to take me on. Maybe I was not only desperate, but angry. I don't know. Anyhow, the point is, my desperation landed me in what eventually became a situation where I had to blow off the live in. I finally met someone. He was pretty cute, kind of funny, in fairly decent shape and had a job! Looking back, I think I made most of that up and that only the having a job part was real. He worked at the restaurant that I liked to hang out at so I saw quite a bit of him the first week he worked there. Then I asked him out, went to a Sharks game, and moved him in. All in 24 hours. It was love. I was sure of it. Why delay the inevitable? Fast forward to three months later when the bloom was off the rose and reality had set in like the ton of bricks it likes to be. Turns out he wasn't all that charming, he made really annoying sounds all the time ( I think it is called talking), he was a coke addict (not the refreshing beverage), he never paid for anything (not food, not rent, nothing), wasn't really even remotely attractive, and was an all around ass. So I broke up with him.

Some moron told him that since he had lived there for more than a month he had established residency and I had to give him 30 days notice. Damn!! So I did. I think it went something like this.. " I hate you. You are a fucking loser asshole, get the fuck out of my fucking house in 30 fucking days!" It was truly the longest 30 days ever in the existence of 30 day time spans. The 30th day finally came and I didn't see any moving boxes or packed bags. When I asked him why his shit was still ruining the landscape of my life he said "You mentioned that you might get a roommate so I figured I could be your room mate". Blink. Blink. Blink again. Did you actually get stupider in the past 30 days while I was trying so hard to ignore your existence? My response, as I was stuffing his crap into trash bags (I mean, helping him pack) "You are fucking insane you stupid fuck. Get your shit the fuck out of my fucking house this fucking minute! I cannot believe you can even breathe by yourself you wasted pile of dna. Go. Go right now. GET. OUT. GO. GO. GOOOOO!!!!!"

I had pretty much lost my mind at this point. I couldn't believe that he used his 30 days to come up with nowhere to go and the idea that he would continue to live in my house but as my roommate. I'm honestly quite surprised that I didn't explode, literally, that day. I managed to finish 'helping him pack' and get his crap out my front door. All while he was crying and begging me to let him stay. What he didn't realize was that I was already past the point of even caring a tiny little bit about how he felt. My last itty bitty vestige of sympathy for him went out the door when he was blubbering on his hands and knees, snot pouring down into his mouth. It was far too late, I was done. Totally and completely done.

To read more about I'm Just Sayin is All's exploits, check out her awesome blog.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Every relationship has its villain

You know how some people were super into Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson when they had their reality show and got all depressed when they eventually filed for divorce? Well, that's how emotionally invested I am in Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy. In case you are not a connoisseur of reality TV, Bethenny used to be on Bravo's The Real Housewives of New York until getting her own spin off. Last year, she sold Skinny Girl Margarita for $120 million to Jim Beam. She's a mogul. She's a brand. She has her own empire. And I'm one of those girls that's turned on by powerful women. But that's not why I'm obsessed with Bethenny and Jason's marriage. I think in a weird way, they kind of remind me of myself and the H bomb (minus the fact that they are millionaires and we are not.)

Bethenny can be difficult (me). She's moody and emotionally guarded and very Type A (me). Jason is patient (the h bomb) and the kind of guy that rolls with the punches (the h bomb). According to Bethenny, she's the villain in the relationship. I'm pretty sure in our case, that's also me. However, I'm not exactly sure what made me this way. At least Bethenny has the excuse of an opportunist mother and an absentee dad that refused to see her even while he was on his deathbed. I have really great parents. And even though just like Jason, the H bomb has his anti-hero moments (especially when there's scotch in the equation)-- I beat him in the fly off the handle department. I nearly had an emotional meltdown the other night, because I was folding laundry and there were like a 100 pair of his socks and none of them matched and why does anyone have to have that many socks?

I get stressed out easily (Bethenny), he doesn't (Jason.) It's just the way we were wired I guess. I'm also probably more emotionally moved by things than he is. So, I guess there's an upside. And sometimes it's more fun being the villain. It makes you drunk with power. Okay, now I'm just getting carried away. Truth be told, I don't want to be the bad guy. I have many redeeming qualities. I've been trying extra hard to not let my moods get the best of me, to not sweat the small stuff, to focus on the positive, blah blah blah. I've stopped practicing evil spells. I try to take deep breaths and lock myself in the bathroom to cool down. But I'm also trying to not beat myself up every time I have a bad moment. No one can be perfect and pleasant and low maintenance all of the time. Those people are boring. Villains are just way more interesting. And heroes, well, they're flawed too.

Where do you stand on this issue, readers? Are you usually the good guy or the bad guy when it comes to your relationship? Be honest, don't make me feel like an asshole after I already just admitted to being one. Comment below!

Monday, March 19, 2012

The Disappearing Act BLOW OFF

So J (I couldn’t come up with a nice enough code name so we’re going with his initial), basically walked into my life. The first time I saw him, I thought “I’m going to date that guy.” Actually, I thought “I’m going to have sex with that guy.” Yes, I’m a lady. We were both working on the same movie and we saw each other every day. After three months of giving some of the best flirtation of my life, we finally got together. We spent the next six months in a really great relationship. He was interested in me, wanted to spend time with me, loved me and even met me at the finish line of my first half-marathon and later said “I loved being there when you finished.”

At the end of the year, he had to go home between jobs. We knew it could be up to three months of separation, but we were ready. We were going to Skype, email, call, text, IM and let the absence make our hearts grow fonder. The first month was fine. We talked on the phone and texted regularly. But then, the communication started to dwindle. He was hanging out with his other apparently unemployed friends a lot and our schedules never seemed to match up. He called me on Valentine’s Day and it was a great call. The next weekend, we emailed and texted a little bit, but not much. I called him, no return call. I emailed him, no return email. I called him once a day for ten days. Not ten times a day for one day. And my voicemails were the opposite of crazy. “Hey babe, it’s me, just thought we could catch up. Miss you!” NO RETURN CALL. I sent a couple of emails that basically said “look, if something’s going on, we need to talk. If we’re breaking up, we need to do it like grown ups.” No response. So finally, I sent him a REAL letter in the REAL mail. The gist of this letter was “I love you. You broke my heart. I deserve better. I hope you are a grown up someday. Bye.”

That was almost two weeks ago and I have not heard from him. No text, no email and certainly no phone call. And he got that letter because I sent it FedEx and tracked that baby all the way to where it was left at his garage door.

I’m assuming the coward knows we’re broken up, so I’ve been moving on, getting over him and eating a lot of Wendy’s and Domino’s cheesy bread.

I have to say that I’ve never been this disrespected by anyone. Ever. I can’t imagine the level of laziness and cowardice it takes for a person to let things get the way they did with J and I.

I also have to say that I’m really proud of myself. When it came to the point that I was really unhappy and knew I was being treated unfairly – I saved myself. I stood up for myself and I got the hell out of there. Do I miss him? YES. Do I still love him? YES. Do I wish things were the way they were before he left? DUH. But they’re not. He screwed up. I’m smart enough to know I was a catch for him and he was too lazy to keep the best thing that ever happened to him.

So, if I can be so bold and full of myself, my advice to the ladies (and men) out there… if you’re not happy, get out. Yes, it’s hard to imagine being single and then even harder to imagine finding someone else. But you WILL get over this person and you WILL be happy again. And until you are, you always have The Blow Off to remind you that you’re not alone. Misery loves company!

Friday, March 16, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Come Back by Pearl Jam

I have been planning out,... All that I'd say to you
Since you slipped away,... Know that I still remain true
I've been wishing out the day...

Please say, that if you hadn't of gone now
I wouldn't have lost you another way
From wherever you are.... Come Back.
-Pearl Jam, 2006

This is for all you Friday Night Lights fans...remember this tune from season one?

Thursday, March 15, 2012

platonic friends & the BLOW OFF

I still stay in touch with one of my old college hook ups and a few months ago, he sent me a Facebook message about the current state of affairs between him and his girlfriend:

This will make you laugh... we had a little fight about me hanging out with an old female friend from michigan and after the fight she made a list of all the females I know who I am good friends with. She came up with 25. I told her that number was waaaaaay too low
Anyway, she's making me narrow it down to ten or so who i get to stay friends with/visit when they come to town etc. Initially i thought she was crazy, but now i think its reasonable and i've agreed to it. But it has led to me now having to decide who makes the list. I feel like schindler.

He wanted to know what I thought about his girlfriend's request. And I'm sure she would have loved him seeking the opinion of a former fling. Anyway, this was my response:

Glad to hear things with the lady are going well. I can totally see how she would get annoyed with all the female friends you have...and you have a tendency to be mildly flirtatious...BUT the list thing is a little on the bat shit crazy side to be honest. I feel like you should still be able to be friends with who you want to be friends with, but what she really wants is to feel like you're not secretly wanting to have sex with all these girls. And there's gotta be a way you can reassure her of that without cutting people out of your life completely.

I can't decide if my advice was adequate. I mean, it would make me a little nuts if my significant other had 25+ female friends. But I'm not sure I'd go as far as forcing him to make a list. And then, how does one enforce the list? Does she carry it in her wallet and cross check it with his email inbox and text messages? Also, in the larger scheme of things, does it just mean she doesn't trust him? (honestly, from what I know about him, I'm not sure she should...but that's another post.) I do think it's possible to trust someone, but still feel ill at ease or jealous about them hanging out with a bunch of chicks.

We've touched on this topic before, but it's one I'm on the fence about. All of my male friends are either gay or in relationships. In the last year, I struck up a friendship with a fellow writer (who's married) but any time I hang out with him, I can tell the H bomb is a little jealous. It's kind of become a running joke, but if the roles were reversed, I would not like the idea of him making some new executive girl friend. The ladies he was friends with before he met me are one thing--- but does he really need to forge new friendships with women? Uh, no. That's why he has me.

Where do you guys stand on the whole "Schindler's Platonic Friend List"? Is it a reasonable or ridiculous request? Comment below.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Save the BLOW OFF

When I first started the BLOW OFF two and a half years ago (and 700 posts ago!), I envisioned a site that would post break up texts, emails, and stories from our loyal readers. See the about us section. And that's still my hope. That one day, like Post Secret, we will get inundated with so many break up stories from readers that we'll have to hire interns to sift through all of them and decide which ones to post. Which will lead to the ultimate fantasy: a coffee table book.

There were a couple things I didn't take into consideration...mainly that people don't really want to talk about their break ups. When those wounds are still too fresh and too raw, we're not really ready to make light of them. And we're also not in any condition to pour our heart out or admit how much pain we're really in, because we don't want our family members to have us committed. Also, I didn't take into account that in order to get the BLOW OFF stories pouring in, I'd have to do some good old fashioned marketing. But...I'm not good at self promotion. Aside from our Facebook fan page and a tank top I made on Zazzle that I wear to the gym and a bunch of business cards I never hand out, I don't market the site.

Plus, the BLOW OFF has always been a side hobby. A writing exercise to keep me in practice. And a way to indulge the teenager in me who still makes mixed CDs with Tori Amos songs for friends that are going through break ups.

*BUT* it's getting more and more time consuming to maintain the site. I told myself I would give it three years before deciding I should quit it all together. November 2012 will mark our three year anniversary. That's in eight months. I don't know that I'll ever have it in me to BLOW OFF the blow off. It's like any relationship. I've invested too much time and energy to just abandon it at this point.

So, I have a request dear readers. Save the BLOW OFF. While you're spending 2012 making Kony famous, spread the word about the little blog that could. It is your comments and emails that have kept us going for the last 2+ years. Share our posts with friends. Follow us on Twitter (@theblowoff). And most importantly, we need content to keep us going. After you've sufficiently cried your guts out over your break up and forced yourself to get out of bed, send your story to Don't worry about whether you sound clever or funny. We don't care about that. We're interested in authentic heartache-- of the relationship or career variety. Or anything you can think of. We respond to all inquiries. Cause let's face it, this site would be nothing without stories like this one or this one or this one.


Tuesday, March 13, 2012

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: season finale!

It's the day we've all been waiting for! The end of The Bachelor! Two hours every week of Ben what the F's face has been really difficult. Like, I don't think Ben F really realizes or understands how hard this has been for us. It's been SO hard.

The show opens with shots of Ben and his two girlfriends breathing in the fresh Swiss air and pondering their undying love. In one shot, Courtney tries to pet a cat and the poor, innocent, animal doesn't want to have anything to do with her. PETA should do something about this. Courtney should not be allowed to touch animals. She's stealing their souls.

Ben claims he's in love with both woman, which we all know is total bullshit. Why can't they just play this differently and have Ben say he's in love with one girl and he has to pretend to love the other. And after every time he says something sweet to a girl, they can freeze frame everything except Ben...who would look directly into the camera every time and say "or am I lying??"

Oh. No. There they go ruining that David Gray song again. Why can't they just use songs from super annoying bands like Nickelback and Train?!

I'm actually kind of surprised that Ben's mom and sister agreed to be on the show. They just seem a little too high brow and snooty for this whole thing. I will admit, it does melt my ice cold heart just a tiny bit to see how happy he is to see his family. He tells them that he has to incredible women left and he doesn't know what to do. Sigh. This franchise has become so predictable. What are the chances he proposes to Harrison at the end and they sled down the Matterhorn together?

Right away, I like Ben's sister because she straight out tells him it's a red flag that the other women did not like Courtney. Smart girl. But I'm not going to get my hopes up yet. Courtney is as WASPy as they are and I really think they will look at her and see a girl that looks great in a cable knit sweater and totally fits in with them.

Lindzi gets to meet his family first. It's a little bumpy in the beginning, because she keeps dropping her silverware. It's like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman with the escargot. She even says she gets nervous when she has to eat proper and Ben's mom looks like Lindzi just announced she's a five dollar hooker. Courtney is going to have this in the bag with these people. I don't know about Ben's family, they just seem really stiff and cold to me. I bet his mom has a prescription pill problem and really messy closets.

Lindzi and Ben's sister Julia have some one on one time and Julia starts giving her tips on how to win her brother over. Basically, Lindzi needs to do some serious ego stroking if she wants Ben to ask her to marry him. I have to say, I love that Julia asks Lindzi why the rest of the girls didn't like Courtney. I think this is the first time a family member has asked one of the final two contestants what they think about the other. I can't really remember what Lindzi said in her response, because I was too mesmerized by the fact that she was over-enunciating the letter T once again when she said the word cerTainTy. Next, Lindzi has her third interview at Company Flajnik with Ben's mom who asks her what the magic ingredient in their relationship is: Um, the fact that they are on a reality show maybe?

In the end, Lindzi wins Ben's family over. If they never find out how she spells her name, she might actually have a chance with Julia and Martha Stewart.

I like Ben's sister even more when she totally rolls her eyes after finding out Courtney is a model. She does not want some floozy for a sister-in-law. I kind of feel like Ben should blow off both of the incredible women he's in love with and marry his sister, she's straight out of awesometown. Courtney shows up and I have to be honest, it doesn't feel like it's going too well. They ask her about the fact that the other girls hated her and she's kind of cold and defensive about it. There's no way they are going to like this girl. She even tells Ben's sister that she's told her everything she needed to know. Snap!

BUT, it turns out-- they freaking love Courtney. They totally give Ben their blessing and tell him Courtney would fit into their family perfectly. I don't understand! Are people just completely fooled by her pretty face? Do they just want to up the attractive quotient in their family Christmas cards? Were they afraid Ben would have ugly babies and Courtney decreases the chances of that? Courtney's stunning looks clearly have everyone mesmerized. She even fooled me! This was my description of her before the season started based on her photo alone:

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Courtney makes it to the final two. She's like the brunette Emily, except I get a vibe that she reads books and knows about politics. She looks like the kind of girl that rode horses growing up. And you just know Ben F.'s uptight WASPY mom is really gonna like her. Plus, I have a feeling she might have a good sob story to help up her chances of sticking around. If she's as sweet as she looks, ABC will want her to stay at least till the end so they can make her the next Bachelorette. My favorite thing about Courtney is that she does not spell her name Kortni.

At this point, I just want to fast-forward to the proposal, because despite the fact that it's been out for weeks that Ben chooses Courtney, it's already SO obvious based on the way he talks about her with this family. But I can't deprive myself of another forty-five minutes of Ben pretending he has no idea who he's going to propose marriage to.

Ben has his last date with Lindzi and when she sees him she does the old kiss and straddle move. I think that should be cause for instant disqualification. And then when Ben tells her they are going skiing, she gets so excited you'd think Simon Cowell just made a cameo and told her she's been hired to be the next X Factor judge . The drinking game for this episode really should have been-- drink whenever anyone says Matterhorn. Is this ABC's way of planting subliminal messages in everyone's heads to get them to Disneyland? Lindzi has never gone skiing before--so, surprise/surprise-- she uses that as a freaking relationship metaphor. Basically, she's nervous to ski, but that's okay, because relationships are scary too. Someone punch this girl in the face with Courtney's head.

They have a picnic in a gondola above the alps and Lindzi decides it's game on: she has to tell Ben she's in love with him. I swear to God, Ben F is barely able to keep a straight face in this scene. He is totally playing her. Can't he just slip her a note when the producers aren't looking that says "I'm not picking you, stop making a fool of yourself." Does he have no heart?? And then later in their date, she tells Ben she wants to be the best that she can be for him. These girls are seriously making me feel like a terrible wife. The H-bomb spent $75 getting his laundry done the other week, because I refuse to do it. If he hears that other girls say things like "I want to be the best I can be for you" i'm totally fucked. The only thing that kept Lindzi from completely humiliating herself is that she did not make Ben F a scrapbook...which brings me to his last date with Courtney.

Things I hate about Courtney: her high pitched baby voice, the fact that she still talks smack about the other girls, and that she says words like "heli-chopper." She better watch out during the After the Rose special, one of those angry middle-aged chubby viewers with a short perm might throw acid in her face (fingers crossed!) Side note: is it just me or does Courtney still look grossed out kissing Ben?

Courtney and Ben take a helicopter ride over the alps and Ben says it's one of the top ten coolest things he's ever done. Then they go sledding and Courtney says how hard things have been for her. Say what? Courtney, being on The Bachelor is not hard. Working two jobs and being a single mom in the hood is hard. Shut the fuck up! Then she says that even though things have been SOOOOO hard, she's sad this whole experience is coming to an end. Basically, she's super bummed not to be on camera anymore.

Ben goes over to Courtney's "humble abode"-- no, not her vagina, the apartment she's staying in while they're in Switzerland. She presents him with a scrapbook that the producers clearly helped her throw together with production stills. I wonder if she asked Blakely to pitch in. Did anyone pause their DVRs to read Courtney's card? There was whole chunks of it we didn't hear, I'm guessing parts were edited out? The best was: P.S. my all time favorite love song is on this mix CD. Its Ben Harper- Forever. Enjoy honey! xoxo

I admit, I like that song, but she still sucks. And then she starts whining all over again how hard things have been and that she was upset that his family asked her questions about the other women. Ben: this girl is super high maintenance. Her looks will fade. What is wrong with you?? Her crying is so freaking fake. If they pan down there's totally a cutting board of onions sitting on her lap.

Poor Neil Lane has to come all the way out to Switzerland for Ben to pick out an engagement ring--- AGAIN. I really resent the fact that Neil Lane says every girl wants to be a princess. That's not true. Every girl wants to be a model. haha, totally kidding. Every girl wants to have sex with Ryan Gosling. Every girl wants to eat and not get fat. Every girl wants a shopping spree at Anthropologie.

At some point, Ben compares the entire journey on the show to getting married. WTF? Now the entire Bachelor franchise is a marriage metaphor? Who writes this shit. They need to mix things up. If this guy could say what he was really thinking, this show would have the highest ratings on TV. Ben: When I look at Lindzi, I just don't want to ejaculate all over her face the way I do with Courtney.

So...Lindzi and Courtney have been relatively inoffensive when it comes to their fashion sense, so I'm very perplexed by their Evil Queen from Snow White outfits for the final rose. I mean, Lindzi is wearing a velvet green cape and Courtney is wearing black latex gloves. Seriously, what was up with that? Is she secretly cat woman and forgot to take them off en route from her big showdown with Batman on top of the Matterhorn?

No surprise that Lindzi's helicopter is the first to land. We all know Ben's about to dump her in that terrible, terrible outfit. Lindzi makes the big mistake of starting the dialogue with how much she loves Ben, but this time...he's not cracking a smile. Uh-oh. Ben actually has the gall to say "I fell in love with you" but that it wasn't a forever love. I'm super disappointed that as Ben walks her out, Lindzi tells him not to be sorry, consoles him, and then says she's mad at herself for not giving him what he wanted. What is wrong with these ladies? Was Ben beating them up off camera? They totally sound like battered women. Lindzi said it best in her voice over when she claimed that Ben is going to look like a fool if he proposes to Courtney.

But let's focus on what matters here. Courtney and those black gloves. Seriously, who would throw that shit on when they're about to get engaged? This whole sequence is totally cringe-worthy. I am so embarrassed. I need a shower. I feel like I'm going to throw up. And it's not just because I can't stand Courtney, it's because I just wasted the last two and a half months of my life watching two horrible people pretend to fall in love with each other. You always know it's a bad sign when a woman gets way over excited about a diamond. Remember earlier in the season when Courtney said she deserves at least two carats? Anyway, Ben gets down on one knee, Courtney says yes, and the Bachelor franchise takes a major hit. ABC has some major damage control ahead of them.

So, I was prepared for this whole proposal BUT I was not prepared for the After the Rose special. First of all, I was convinced that Ben and Courtney would be broken up and he would do a huge mea culpa and just take responsibility for making the wrong decision. Here's what we found out: Ben spent Thanksgiving with Courtney's family. Once the show started airing, he freaked out and basically disappeared on her for weeks (Courtney: he couldn't even send carnations for Valentine's Day. The nerve!). Ben claims he never cheated on Courtney and that the Us Weekly article was a lie-- he was hanging out with friends, there was no kissing, and the photos were old. Cough* bullshit* Cough. Oh, and Courtney purposely tried on wedding dresses as a diversionary tactic. Guys, you're not Brangelina. If you're staging photos at this point, it's because you WANT to be in magazines. Then, even though Ben didn't like what he saw on TV and even though he bailed on her...they are still in love, engaged, and determined to make things work.

I'm so confused.

Is this just ABC's way of getting us to stick with the show? Do they think we'd be more disenchanted if Courtney and Ben called it quits? That's the worst strategy ever. It's like John McCain having Sarah Palin as a running mate, because it'll gain him the female vote.

I know this is all a giant PR ploy and these two will be dunzo again in two weeks, but I feel like Ben would come off way better if he saw the error of his ways and dumped Courtney. I talked to my brother after the show and this was his take: he said that Courtney is incredibly pretty. And she's got game and knows how to flirt and probably is good in bed. All those things considered, a when a guy is dating a super hot girl, he's going to stay with her and convince himself that her bad side will eventually go away or he'll just learn to accept it. I'm not sure why I'm so angry that Ben is still with Courtney. He sucks, she sucks, so they should just suck together but it still irks me. I hate that now they have this "us against the world" attitude. If you feel as annoyed as me, then here's what I propose:

Boycott Ben F's wine. Don't buy it, don't drink it. Promoting it was the only reason he went on the show anyway. I've already taken it upon myself to go on their Facebook page to write on their wall. "I think you guys should change the name of your wine to douche bag wines." Sure, they will probably delete it, but how annoying if they start getting a crapload of wall posts like that? Join me in my quest!

And in case it does get deleted-- here was what Shannon Caires (whose profile pic is her and Ben) commented on my wall post:How immature! If you don't like them or the wines , why are you following them? Do you even know them? Obviously your the douche for talking about people you "think" you know!

Here's my response:
your profile picture is you and Ben what the F. You're like Mrs. Douchey Doucherson. Also, I don't follow them.

Wait, i just checked the thread again and Shannon deleted her comment. Winning.

All in all, the after the rose special was kind of shitty. First of all, Lindzi wasn't even there which I thought was a major rip off. I get that it's all about Courtney and Ben-- but I still wanted to see him face Lindzi and I wanted to see if her foundation got any better. I did some research and it appears that Ben and Courtney aren't making the press rounds so Lindzi is doing the PR circuit instead. What's next for Lindzi? Probably a stint on the Bachelor Pad. I hope she remembers to pack some Valtrex.

As for Cupcake and JP's appearance: no comment.

Well, guys! That's it for my recaps. Thanks so much for reading and sharing! I'm still debating whether I should put myself through this again for boring Emily. It all depends. If Little Ricky gets to go on all her dates, then I'm totally there! And now, I bring to you Courtney's favorite love song:

the honest bachelor

Something to tide you over until we get our Bachelor recap up.

Monday, March 12, 2012

the man-gagement ring BLOW OFF

Imagine a world where...guys upload pictures of their engagement rings* on their Facebook profiles for their buddies to ooooh and aaaah at. And by guys, I mean straight guys. It's not that farfetched. Apparently, over the last year there's been a new trend of MAN-gagement rings where guys also have to wear a ring to signify they are off the market once they're engaged. Personally, I'm all for this. Back when I was in my early twenties and young and free and living in the NYC a family friend of mine got engaged and his fiancée made him wear a wedding band all through their engagement. At first I thought she was a possessive weirdo, but as I've gotten older and more resentful, I realized this was a totally fair ask on her part.

I got engaged in September 2010 and married in September 2011. That entire year, I wore an engagement ring. And guys notice that shit. And most of them (minus the bartender you will hear about shortly) stop flirting with you. It can be super convenient when said guy is a troll that lives under a bridge, but here and then, when he's actually not bad looking, it kind of bums you out that your ego boost lasts a measly two minutes until they notice you're off the market. However, if my then fiancé walked into a room without me, no one had any clue that he was not single and on the verge of getting married. So unfair! I think both parties, male and female, should have to wear something that signifies they've committed themselves to someone. Apparently, they do in a lot of countries. In South America for instance, men and women traditionally wear rings on their right hands when they're engaged and move them to their left hand once they're married. That's why Michael Buble wore one when he got engaged to Argentine actress Luisana Lopilato.

But does a ring actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex? I first heard about the MAN-gagement ring phenomenon on Real Time with Bill Maher and he said that many of his married friends refer to their wedding bands as the biggest pussy magnet. And by pussy, they mean one with a detrimental case of herpes. I don't get it! Ladies-- are you really that much more attracted to a man if he's married? I was once in Vegas on a work trip and myself and two of my female colleagues were playing black jack...there was this super nerdy guy at the table (think Alan from Two and Half Men). One minute, he had a wedding ring on. The next minute, he didn't. Well, I can't keep my mouth shut. I totally called him out on it and you know what he said? His wife told him before he came to Vegas that she was going to leave him. Wait, it gets worse. I believed him! I don't know, he was just so nerdy and sad that I thought it was totally plausible that his wife was leaving him. BUT that's totally the line he uses. So gross! Even Mr. Nerd feels the need to slip off his ring in the company of young, attractive, professional women-- like anyone of us was going to hook up with him. I guess he didn't get the pussy magnet memo. According to Maher, he was better off keeping the ring on.

And according to my girlfriends, the diamond engagement ring is actually a penis magnet. About six months after I got engaged, I was at a bar having drinks with the bestie, and the bartender was unabashedly flirting with me. And that's not a brag. It was weird. Like I can hold my own with guys and I'm good at witty banter and all, but when it comes to looks, I'm in the "cute" category. Not gorgeous, not pretty, "cute." And I'm fine with that. I like "cute." But my point is, guys don't go all Collin Farrel around "cute." My bestie was convinced it was the engagement ring that did it. Quite honestly, I was a little hurt that she was so sure of that. I mean, maybe he was flirting with me because I'm freaking adorable. Sigh. I guess we'll never know.

So, dudes-- would you be willing to wear a MAN-gagement ring? And ladies, would you want your guy to wear one? Comment below.

*we will devote a future post to women and how psycho they are about engagement rings in the coming weeks. We're trying to stay on topic and for reals, that subject deserves a dissertation all its own.

Friday, March 9, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Brilliant Disguise by Bruce Springsteen

You play the loving woman
I'll play the faithful man
But just don't look too close
into the palm of my hand
We stood at the alter
the gypsy swore our future was right
But come the wee wee hours
Well maybe baby the gypsy lied
So when you look at me
you better look hard and look twice
Is that me baby
or just a brilliant disguise?

Tonight our bed is cold
I'm lost in the darkness of our love
God have mercy on the man
Who doubts what he's sure of.

-Bruce Springsteen, 1987

I feel like this could be Ben and Courtney's song on The Bachelor.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Subject: Mea Culpa

As a huge fan of The Blow Off, I had an experience recently that I felt was my duty to share with my fellow fans.

A little back story: A few years ago I dated a boy on-and-off again for about a year. Let’s refer to him as “Weirdly Beardly” because, well, that’s what we called him. Come to think of it, he reminded me of Animal on “The Muppets”. Any who, WB was awesome and smart and hilarious and totally fucked up. You know that guy. We had fun together when we were together, but then he’d magically disappear. Poof! Gone. Our connection was so strong (did I just quote “The Bachelor”? Yes I did --- no shame in my game) that I constantly let him back in all the while knowing I was not being treated with the dignity and respect I deserved. Time after time, this cycle continued. To be fair, I allowed the behavior to take place and have grown tremendously since then, but I never got clarity as to what happened. He simply would vanish leaving me to wonder what I had done to drive him away.

Well, in one of his many phantom acts, I met a boy (nay, a man) who blew Weirdly Beardly out of the water. This man was, and continues to be, kind and generous and consistent and clever and makes me happier and more secure than I’ve ever felt in my life. Yet, in my quest to be honest (we’re all friends here), I’ve often wondered what happened to the original Weirdly Beardly and in my most insecure of moments I question what it was that lead him to be so distant and careless with my heart.

Cut to: I received this email from Weirdly Beard just other other day. Oh, snap!

Subject: Mea culpa

Hey there,

I was just thinking to myself earlier today what a wonderful person you are and what a horrible shit I am.

I'm not on facebook anymore, but from what I saw before I bailed led me to believe you were very in love and very happy. I just want to tell you how happy that made me. You are a completely incredible person and deserve nothing but the best.

I'm sorry I couldn't be the person who made you that happy. I know I'm not worthy of a woman like you. You're beautiful and smart and committed to the things that make a person worth being a person. I wish I could've been a part of that.

Anyway, all my best. You're unbelievable.

-Weirdly Beardly

Oh, hello! Ok, fine, he didn’t sign it “Weirdly Beardly” (this isn’t a script for a Katherine Heigl movie), but everything else is 100% accurate and true. Sure, in part this email makes me feel tremendously vindicated and I want to silk screen it on a t-shirt and wear it around my neighborhood. But a larger, much more grounded and stronger part of me wants other readers to know that they’re not alone. I get it. It was never about me. All that time I wasted wondering what I could have done to make WB love me was exactly that: wasted.

If anything, it’s nice to be reminded that I’m enough. I’m more than enough --- I’m “unbelievable”. Now I will live the remainder of my life convinced that every guy who ever broke my heart has an email with the Subject: Mea Culpa in their drafts folder just waiting to press Send.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The bachelor: Women Tell All

Every time I watch a "tell all" episode from The Bachelor franchise, it just reminds me of the time I actually attended a taping of the show for Ali's season. I think I'm still suffering from the post traumatic stress of sitting in a freezing cold studio for hours and hours without food, water, or bathroom breaks. And, wait for it, without my phone! Even the sight of Chris Harrison couldn't keep my spirits up. Did you ever see that movie in the 90s about the rugby team that crashes in the Andes and decides to eat each other? Well, it was exactly like that.

Considering that this was the most controversial season of television in the history of the world, I thought the Women Tell All was relatively tame. Here were some of the highlights:

Another clip package of a seedy Bachelor reunion in Las Vegas...with all the aspiring Bachelor pad contestants. These people make the Challenge contestants on MTV look like freaking royalty. And guess who's here? Ali Fedoslhtkadhfy. Wow. How the mighty have fallen. I guess when you leave Facebook before its giant IPO, all you have left is a low rated spin off show of an already dwindling franchise. We get to see Ali and Frank reunite and Frank is still with his girlfriend Nicole. Good for him. Clearly, the same cannot be said for his screenwriting career.

Okay, let's get to the ladies. I've said it before and I'll say it again...why should someone that got sent home the first night come to the tell all episode? It's called tell ALL. Not just tell us about the first night you were there. That chick who shoots guns and eats bull testicles is here and she seriously doesn't utter a single word the whole time. I'm hoping she just wanted the free trip to LA. I would say awards for the prettiest girls went to KCB, KCS, and Rachel. Brittney wins most improved. Emily looks pretty too, but the outfit is a little too heavy on the cleavage for me. Nicki gets the ugliest outfit award (seriously, I hate big billowy sleeves!). Blakely gets the "I'm trying to wear an outfit that doesn't make me look like a stripper" award. Elyse gets the tannest award. That girl who fainted at that one rose ceremony gets the "most resembling an alien award." And Jaclyn. Where do I even begin. The girl is just so unfortunate in so many ways that I'm actually angry she's on television. You know how all of a sudden you get really superficial and say things like "that girl is too ugly to be on TV. Only pretty people should be on TV." Well, that's what Jaclyn brings out in me. The bleach blond hair, the burn victim features, the terrible spray tan, the droopy cleavage. I can't even deal. She seems really nice though.

First the girls get into some fake fight about Blakely and how she wasn't there to make friends. Ugh. This is old news. Blakely was like the villain of the season for one episode. Why are we still talking about this? And why is Miss Pacific Palisades talking at all? Honestly, as far as I'm concerned, this entire episode should be about Courtney.

One of my favorite parts of the Women Tell All was when Brittney admitted that she left the show, because she wasn't attracted to Ben at all. Amazing. And then she proceeds to tell Miss Pacific Palisades to stop talking and calls her the chihuahua of the house. Man, I kind of wish this girl had stuck around longer.

After everyone is done discussing whether Blakely was a stripper or a hooker, we move on to the next most controversial thing that happened this season. Shawntel, showing up in San Francisco to try and get on the show. I love how any time Shawntel talks about this, she makes it sound like she has Chris Harrison on speed dial. I'm so sure she just called him up and he invited her on the show. Harrison is a very important person. He doesn't just give his phone number to any old Bachelor contestant. Unless they're like best friends Maybe they are like Gayle and Oprah...they talk every night before going to bed so Harrison can talk about how hard it is to be him and Shawntel can tell him he's awesome.

Anyway. We learn that Shawntel was super hurt by all the really, really mean things the girls said about her. Like she's a bitch, and she's not as pretty in person, and she has BIG HIPS. Um, it was so obvious the big hips comment was what really upset her. I also love how we got a little behind the scenes insight-- apparently, Shawntel talked to Ben for two minutes and talked to the girls for two hours. WTF. That makes me wonder how long the one on one dates actually last. Are they like sixteen hour shoots? Cause if so, then it totally makes sense why these chicks would fall in love with Ben so fast. Not really.

Basically, the girls are really nice to Shawntel and admit they felt bad about all the things they said. Then, one girl tells Shawntel that she's gorgeous and the rest of the girls agree and then Shawntel smiles and feels good about herself again and everyone's friends. This sequence is so representative of female dynamics it's unreal. We seriously are like-- I only said you were ugly, because you're SO pretty.

Now, it's Emily's turn to sit in the "hot seat" with Chris Harrison. Emily proves once again to be my favorite, because she totally says that Ben F is an ugly loser who sucks serious balls. Just kidding, but she basically says that she doesn't want to be with a guy that can't see through Courtney or be with a guy that would say things to her like "tread lightly" when she warned him about Courtney. Plus, she uses big words like "antagonist." Well said, Emily. Well said. You are totally speaking like a girl who dropped out of her PhD program.

I'm not really sure why both KCB and Nicki get interview time with Chris Harrison, because let's be real. These two are pretty much the same person. They fill the exact same quota. Perky, doe-eyed, southern brunette. Do we really need two of those on the same reality show? Anyway. Both Nicki and KCB were shocked they were let go. Nicki's doing a whole lot better, because she's living in Dallas now. KCB's still a little guarded, but she finally understands that Ben broke up with her, because he couldn't see himself spending Christmases with her family and that their core values are different. (i.e. she's a christian and he's an atheist). She would still like to think she will be able to fall in love and meet her husband. UGH. There is nothing I hate more than a 24 year old that complains that she's still single. That's like listening to a five year old bitch about not having their driver's license. Relax, lady. It'll happen in due time. I just don't like women who are super desperate about finding love. Everyone knows that even when you want a boyfriend you have to pretend like you don't!

FINALLY. The moment we've all been waiting for. Time to talk smack about Courtney. This almost makes me wish I was a contestant on the show, so I could vent about the Velveteen Rabbit on national television to Chris Harrison and an audience of freezing cold women with full bladders. So, surprise surprise-- the girls hated Courtney. They talk about how fake she was, how she said horrible things about them, how she never tried to be their friends, and only changed her tune when it seemed like she could lose Ben. Sadly, the only person Courtney has to defend her is KCS, who can barely put two words together. I honestly think if she gets too close to water, smoke will start coming out of her ears and she'll malfunction. Then Harrison breaks the news that in an unprecedented move...Courtney, one of the two finalists, is in the studio, so that she could have the opportunity to defend herself.

Courtney comes out and it's exactly how you would expect it. She cries a lot, says this has been the hardest experience of her life. That the tabloids have been so awful. That all her entire family and friends have been torn apart in the media (um, I've read every Us Weekly with her on the cover, they never mention her friends or family). Wah-wah-wah. I don't buy any of this for a second. The girls aren't buying it either. Poor Blakely even thinks if Courtney apologizes about calling her a stripper, the world will see her in a different light. Uh, Blakely-- if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck. It's a stripper. Weirdly, in this segment, we also find out that Courtney "loved" hanging out with Jaclyn. Wha? This just makes me like her less. Her other bestie in the house was freaky-deaky Jaclyn? Did any of you guys actually feel bad for Courtney? If so, please smack yourself in the face really, really, hard. I mean, even Chris Harrison didn't defend her. And did you see her try to do algebra?! She's like, if I thought ahead, if I knew x +....would equal hot dogs, then I would have done things differently.

After Courtney leaves, Ben shows up and this is when things got really sickening for me. First of all, Ben looks gross. I do believe he's got a fun/goofy side and God knows I will do anything for a guy with quick-wit, but I just feel like he's totally in love with himself. There's just nothing very humble about him. I can tell he's one of those guys that would totally disappear on a girl. But what's worse is how some of the girls act towards Ben. Nicki actually says he's the best guy she's ever known. Huh? Was this girl living in a cave before and after her divorce? Does she have a history of dating serial rapists and child molesters and the guy that kidnapped Jaycee Dugard? How is it possible that she has this much love and respect for a guy who didn't give her a rose after she presumably tossed his salad? Even the poor, little, registered nurse that tried to teach Ben how to kiss tells him she's still interested if he's available. Don't these women have any self respect or dignity? Wait. They're on the Bachelor. They don't.

I also find it really annoying that Ben keeps blaming Emily for getting caught up in the Courtney thing as the reason he sent her home. And Emily just smiles and nods and takes it. This is how I break up with people. Instead of telling them I'm not attracted to them or could never imagine seeing them naked, I harp on the one thing they did wrong and blame them for forcing me to break up with them. I know your game, Ben. I've played it. I'm onto you.

Other observations I'd like to make about the Women Tell All. This may be the first time ever that Chris Harrison did not ask the Bachelor if he's in love or happy or whatever. This time last year, Brad Womack would apologize to all the girls, but reference the fact that he was really happy and in love, blah blah blah. So, it's clear-- Ben chooses Courtney, but they are not together. I cannot wait for the after the final rose show. That is going to be so hot. Also, I really think more time should have been devoted to Jackie the blogger and her insane meltdowns, rather than just discussing her psychotic break during the credits. I did love that Monica asked her if she would "accept this tampon." Also, did anyone notice in the bloopers that Ben totally got attacked by a hummingbird? His own father wants to kill him. I for one cannot wait to see him make a huge fool of himself next week. New drinking game: take a shot any time he says anything like "I have real feelings for both of these girls."

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

monogamy + cheating = BLOW OFF?

I can't remember the first time I realized that not all marriages and relationships automatically end if someone cheats. I always assumed that if someone were unfaithful in a serious/monogamous relationship, then the other party would never ever entertain the thought of forgiving them. I think the first cheating a-ha moment I had (as cheesy as it sounds) was in that super sad Meryl Streep/Renee Zellwegger movie where Meryl has cancer and Renee's all pissy about her dad and Meryl says something like "there's nothing about your father that you know, that I don't." And you're like, holy crap, just because she never left him didn't mean she wasn't aware of the affairs. One True Thing: Netflix it if you want a good cry.

And then there was that whole comment Elizabeth Edwards made about John Edwards when she sat down for an interview with Oprah-- back when she planned to stay with him despite his philandering. She explained she wasn't going to leave her husband for the one terrible thing he did in their marriage when he'd done so many other things right. And even though we all know how that turned out, her logic sort of made sense to me at the time. It seems like the longer you are with someone and the more tied together your lives are (kids, finances) the more forgiving you become.

The 31 year old-- don't have any kids, if you don't count our dog--me would run like the wind if I found out the H bomb was having an affair. And I'd like to think my attitude on monogamy would be the same ten, twenty, thirty years from now. But is that totally naive of me? Is cheating just one of those things that's more common and inevitable than we even realize? I don't know. Next to physically abusing your partner, I personally believe being unfaithful is the worst way you could damage your relationship.

In a way, our attitudes about cheating all boil down to the way Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have been perceived since Brangelina-Gate. Jolie is a full on humanitarian that uses her celebrity to shed light on terrible things happening in the world. Aniston does bad movies and Smart Water ads. But she's always going to be more liked and respected...because she didn't steal anyone's husband (although I think Heidi Bivens would feel differently about that.)

So, what do you think guys: Is cheating ever forgivable? Is it a case by case thing? Should you break up with the person or just get a free pass to even the score? Comment below!

Monday, March 5, 2012

please don't marry the person you BLEW me OFF for

There are a lot of crappy reasons that a relationship ends, but aside from, I don't of you dying, I think the all time worst reason to get dumped is if your boyfriend or girlfriend has fallen in love with someone else. Oh, God. I can barely think about it without wanting to become a cutter. It is the worst feeling. It's happened to me a couple of times, but usually the guy just disappears-- which in hindsight is okay, because who wants to be told something better came along.

The only thing worse than them leaving you for someone else is if they MARRY that person. Okay. I'm digging out the razor blade. It's just massive salt in the wound to have an ex end up eternally happy with the person they preferred over you. None of us want to believe that's what's actually going to happen. Instead, we want to think their shiny new toy ends up showing signs of Bipolar disorder. The relationship ends tragically and violently. And when they've just barely recovered from it, they come across Facebook photos of you and a new boyfriend...and swallow a bottle of pills and either die or get their stomach pumped. Anyway, without going into any details, I've been a victim of "he married the next girl" syndrome and even though I had totally moved on by then, it was still annoying. Not painful. Just annoying. Couldn't it have been anyone but HER? It's cool though. He and I are Facebook friends. It's only a matter of time before he changes his relationship status to "I should never have broken up with Saaara."

This is weirdly why I sort of feel bad for Cameron Diaz. Think about it. She dated Justin Timberlake for five years. That's kind of a long time. Like if she lives to be a 100, that's 5% of her lifetime. Anyway. He was younger than her, so I'm guessing he couldn't commit and they broke up. Almost immediately after, he starts "hanging out" with Jessica Biel. There was even that famous story that Diaz yelled at Jessica at a Golden Globes after-party for flirting with Timberlake. Justin followed her out of the party and supposedly they had an intense post-break up conversation. (Yes, I could win a Nobel prize in celebrity gossip.) and now Justin Timberlake is ENGAGED to Jessica Biel. And Cameron Diaz is doing weird butt poses at the Oscars and aside from a short relationship with ARod and a very weird current romance with PDiddy, she hasn't really been serious with anyone. And that, in a nutshell is why I feel bad for Cameron Diaz. Her ex is marrying the next girl. Even Britney Spears dodged that bullet.

My wish for you readers is that no one you've dated marries the person they ditched you for. Unless that person turns out to have some sort of very contagious flesh eating virus. As for Cameron Diaz, I think she needs to put the JTs, ARods, PDiddys to rest. It's time for a guy that doesn't make a nickname out of his initials. I suggest someone like Josh Lucas.

Friday, March 2, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Don't Think Twice, It's All Right by Bob Dylan

So long honey, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
Goodbye's too good a word, babe
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't saying you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right.

-Bob Dylan, 1962