Thursday, May 31, 2012

pop culture BLOW OFF of the day: Don't Be a Stranger (Mad Men)

I'm convinced the reason that very little (or absolutely nothing) happens on half of all Mad Men episodes is so when something does happen...it knocks the wind out of us. Well, that's exactly what  last Sunday's episode did.  This scene between Peggy and Don was one of the most poignant break ups I've seen on television.  And that's exactly what it was.  A break up.  Don and Peggy have always had a complicated dynamic, but the show's relatively subtle about what's really going on beneath the surface.  Are they in love or do they just love each other?  Is it just tortured mentor/mentee relationship or is there more to it than that?

The season has been building to some sort of stand off.  Peggy's gotten more and more outspoken, but I don't think Don ever thought she would actually have the balls to leave him.  Technically, this is the first time Don's gotten dumped on the show.  I don't count Betty.  He didn't love her.  But Peggy.  Well, that's different.   I'm pretty sure Peggy will find her way back to Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce and...Harris.  She has to.  Don can't live without her. 

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 3

This week's episode opens with Emily's slave, I mean her mom, bringing her breakfast in bed.  Em is super tired, because it's SO hard being the Bachelorette.  The best part of this scene is that Little Ricki didn't want to have anything to do with the cameras or her mom.  Oh, how I hope she turns out to be some sort of an omen child that kills her future stepdad with an ice pick.

Once again, we are subjected to Chris Harrison arriving at the bachelor mansion to explain the rules of the game to the guys and the audience.  I honestly think Chris Harrison should be on suicide watch for 48 hours after he delivers this info.  Although, then again, this show takes up two hours of my life per week and it probably only takes up three minutes of Harrison's and he gets paid hundreds of thousands of dollars.  So...I guess I'm the sucker here.   He hasn't even done a recap interview with Emily since the first episode!

Chris gets the first one on one date of the episode.  He's looking pretty fly in a white V-neck, but sometimes I feel like his face kind of resembles a penis.  There's a really awkward transition where we cut to Emily and Chris walking through downtown Charlotte.  Oh, hell no.  Where's the scene of Emily coming to pick Chris up and all the guys talking about how pretty she is and how they wish they were the ones going out with her, but they're stuck hanging out with a bunch of dudes?  I demand to see it! 

Anyway.  Emily and Chris make a cute couple and we get to hear one of my favorite classic Bachelor franchise date lines..."I've got a little bit of a surprise for you."  Basically, the surprise is that Chris and Em are going to scale the wall of some building to have dinner on the roof, even though there's a storm brewing.  The sad pathetic town of Charlotte gathers at the bottom of the building to take pictures and scream "I love you" at Queen Emily of the Carolinas.  Chris tells Emily that she looks hot in a harness, which just tells me he is into some dirty, kinky, S & M boning.  I know he's handsome, but is Emily prepared to spend her nights dressed as the gimp from Pulp Fiction?

Chris (AKA the producers) give us some really terrible love metaphor about how falling in love is just like scaling a building, cause you start at the bottom and work your way up.  Um, I don't get it.  Emily starts acting like a total freak as they're climbing the wall-- her voice gets all high pitched and she starts panicking.  If only Little Ricki were here to slap the shit out of her.  Sadly, they do not plummet to their deaths.  Instead they make it to the top of the building. 

Here's the thing with Chris.  He's cute, but he works in sales which means there's about a 93% chance he has some sort of sexually transmitted disease.  Also, he seems a bit overeager.  I get a major Emily fan vibe from him.  I'm pretty sure if we went into his bedroom there would be one of those creepy shrines with hundreds of pics of the two of them, only his face would be on Brad Womack's body.  Regardless, Emily seems really into Chris until she discovers that he's 25.  She claims that she's always dated guys older than her, but let's be honest here.  If Emily was 26, then dating a guy a year younger should not bother her this much.  Further proof that she is actually in her early sixties.  I love how Chris tells her he's ready to be a dad, because he left home at 17 to go to school.  Um, you mean going away to college like most high school graduates?  That does not count as some major hardship. 

After dinner, Emily and Chris dance during another live concert from a douchey country music group.  Did you guys listen to the lyrics of this song?  "You make my speakers go boom boom."  Oh, how I wish this was the theme song of the season.  Chris asks Emily if he can kiss her which I know lots of girls think is a turn off, but I personally think it pales in comparison to say, a guy that has nipples on his ball sac (google it, just kidding, I made it up).  They make out and I think Chris getting a fantasy suite date card is pretty much a sure thing. 

Group date time.  The guys look like they are about to cream themselves when they arrive at the park and see that Emily is holding a football.  They think they're going to play football all day, but Emily has something else in store for them.  Maniacal laugh.  Maniacal laugh.  It turns out the mom posse is back and they are going to interview Emily's boys.  I would like to take this moment to acknowledge that Emily was dressed like a straight up ho during this group date.  I'm pretty sure I could see her cervix through those tiny blue cut offs. 

Luckily for Emily, the mom posse is going to figure out whether these guys are here for the right reasons.  Do not be fooled by their Ross Dress for Less get ups, these bitches are all kinds of fun.  I especially love Wendy who might be a little drunk and who makes Sean take his shirt off (hubba-hubba) and do push-ups while she sits on him.  If I were the producers of this show, this is where I would halt production, fire Emily, force Wendy to leave her kids and divorce her husband, and be the next bachelorette.

Of all the guys, Sean probably impresses her friends the most, and now I feel like a dumb ass for not keeping him on my bachelorette bracket longer!  How could I neglect the whitest contestant of the bunch?! We don't get to see this 'til after the closing credits, but Alessandro AKA Gypsy King tells her friends that he's dated his cousin-- which no judgment, I am Persian after all, but we don't advertise that shit on TV--- that he's cheated on a girl (his cousin) and that he's basically not ready to have a goldfish, let alone a six year old daughter.  PLEASE ABC, MAKE HIM THE NEXT BACHELOR AND MAKE ALL THE CONTESTANTS HIS COUSINS.

As if this date couldn't get any worse, the guys are now forced to play with a bunch of kids. The part that was most annoying about this sequence was that none of the guys got physically violent with any of the kids and no one tried to inappropriately touch a child.  Not that I would want to see that, but that would be a super hot cross-over if Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator showed up and then tried to take over Chris Harrison's job. 

The cocktail party is pretty much a snooze fest like this entire season.  Tony fake cries over his son and how much he misses him.  Was anyone else a little creeped out by how high pitched his voice would get every time he was on the phone with his kid?  Emily decides to take Tony out of his misery, by dumping his ass and basically telling him there's no chance in hell that he's getting the final rose so he might as well go home and revisit his love affair with lumber and plywood.   Doug, who is still reading his How to Win the Final Rose playbook, apparently got to the "make up a sob story" chapter, because he spins some tale about how his mom left his family and his dad died and him and his sister grew up in foster care, blah blah blah.  I think this guy is a pathological liar.  I want some proof.  I think Chris Harrison and Chris Hansen should dig up his dad's grave to tell us if there's really anything in there.

Back at the house, Arie gets the next one on one date.  Cue the jealousy music.  Kalon is pissed that he didn't get a date this episode.  Nate looks like he doesn't even know where he is.  I'm pretty disappointed in Nate.  He's cute, but he's had no screen time which means he probably doesn't get very far this season.  Maybe he's even the one that calls Little Ricki baggage.  If I were the guys, I'd watch out,  I wouldn't be surprised if Little Ricki shows up at the house in a prom dress and goes Carrie on everyone's ass. 

Needless to say, Sean and his perfectly waxed chest get the group date rose.  I would now like to use this opportunity to laugh at ABC.  hahahahaha.  Seriously.  Joke is on you, ABC.  You guys bent over backwards to accommodate Emily and to woo her into becoming the Bachelorette and it never occurred to you that she would be the most boring person on earth to watch?  Did you see her on Brad's season?  Damn.  Bring on KCB.  Hell, I'd watch Cupcake all over again. 

Arie gets the best date in the history of the bachelor franchise, because he gets to go to...wait for it...DOLLYWOOD!  I am not kidding.  I freaking love Dolly Parton.  In fact, I almost cut a bitch at her concert at the Hollywood Bowl when the girl next to me was trying to sing along to I Will Always Love You.  Going to Dollywood has always been a dream of mine.  We have to sit through a tedious segment of Arie and Emily going on rollercoasters, Emily getting scared, Arie telling her to look at him to not be scared, and so on and so forth.

Ugh, let's just get to the surprise Dolly Parton appearance.  It pains me to admit this, but Emily's love for Dolly Parton does make me like her a little more.  Although, I'm very disappointed in Dolly for writing a song for the whole Bachelorette franchise.  I'm sure the song took her thirty seconds to write and ABC paid her a lot of money and she's getting a ton of Dollywood product placement, but still.  This is beneath her.  Em keeps saying "I could die, I could die, I could die" over and over again.  I love how Arie keeps trying to look at her, while they slow dance, but Em keeps staring at Dolly Parton.  Emily also says that this is the best moment of her life.  Awwww shit, wait 'til Little Ricki hears that.  She's totally going to put iodine in mommy's lipstick. 

Dolly gives Emily advice about being the bachelorette and now I'm wishing that ABC halts production, fires Emily on the spot, forces Dolly to divorce her husband of 47 years, and makes her the new bachelorette.

Time for the dinner portion of the date.  I think Emily actually does like Arie, because she acts super stiff and awkward around him.  Arie tells her that he lived with a woman that had kids and for some reason Em seems appalled by this.  She does say that she welcomes having a man in her life that travels a lot like Arie does for his job, as long as he calls her from the road.  This is starting to get a little Vertigo-ish for me.  I would not be surprised if Emily makes Arie dye his hair blond and then changes his name to Ricky.  In a failed attempt to prove she has a sense of humor, Em tries to pretend like she's not going to give Arie a rose, but of course she does.  They make out on a carousel and the show does some ridiculous weird slo-mo thing as they kiss.  I take this as a sign that Arie is going to get very far in this competition.  Do you really think the editors would put in the extra time to add an effect for a guy like Party MC or Alejandro?  I don't think so. 

Cocktail party time.  Once again, Emily gets ready in the bathroom with the help of Little Ricki.  She arrives at the house wearing some slinky gold number and apparently black uggs...here are just some of the highlights from the evening.  Emily has an awkward conversation with Kalon who basically tells her to shut the fuck up and looks like he's trying to refrain himself from clocking her in the face.  This guy is getting creepier and creepier.  Back me up on this, he has totally murdered someone.  Maybe it was an accident, but you know his parents put in some calls to cover it up.  I like that Em has a little trailer park in her when she gets all pissed off about the way he talked to her.  We need to see more of the tough broad act to make this show more interesting than watching a pimple heal in real time.  Emily gets Travis to part with his egg (also known as Shelly).  What a waste. First off, no baby dragons came out.  Second, they could have at least made a really big omelet.  And then of course, there's the super weird conversation between Alessandro and Emily that gets him immediately kicked off the show.  I do feel like something got lost in translation and that Alessandro secretly wanted to go home, because he in not so many words asks if it's too late to abort Little Ricki.  Emily is so upset by this conversation that she hides in the hallway and makes out with Arie, while the other guys spy on them and go outside and console themselves with a circle jerk.   

Sean definitely won the breakout performance of this episode, because he made the most genuine play for why he'd make a good father.  He says if he ended up with Emily, Little Ricki would be his daughter.  I'm not gonna lie, I teared up a little bit.   I think this guy just snagged himself a hometown date. 

The most devastating part of this episode was that Stevie, AKA Party MC, AKA the Scenario, AKA douchey Harry Connick Jr in disguise did not receive a rose.  We'll miss you Stevie.  But I have a feeling we'll be seeing you on The Bachelor Pad. 

Until next week, y'all!




Tuesday, May 29, 2012

the online dating rant: a male perspective

Another awesome guest post from shotataduck.  Enjoy!

Like most people, my life is busy.  Currently my life is divided up as follows:
Now, these are the things I cannot change. I need to sleep, I need to work, and I need to drive to work. This absorbs 72% of my time. So, I have a total of 47 hours a week that are under my control. Seems like a lot till you start adding in all of your other life chores. Eating, cleaning, running errands, walking the dog, secretly watching Private Practice so no one else knows… What am I left with? Not much. So, when I even try to think about making time to find someone I’d like to date, I cringe a little. When am I gonna have time to find her? Even if I do manage to carve out an hour or two where should I start looking? It seems to me that the “where” is as limited when. The prime hotspots seem to be the following:
 
1. Hope I run into them in a bar
Bars are a horrible place to meet people. We all know it, and yet we all keep thinking this is where we are gonna find “The One".  This is like playing the lottery, and for every time you don’t win you rack up a $50 bar tab, a hangover, and if you’re lucky, Herpes. 

2. Friend of a Friend
This seems like the most reliable suggestion, assuming your friends happen to know the type of people you’re looking to date. If you’re lucky, they do, but most of us end up with someone their friends were just trying to pawn off on us because they didn’t want them or because they’re too nice to say their friend has a horrible flaw that no one in their right mind would want to touch.  She’s great except for the fact that she gets blackout drunk every chance she can get. She’s great except for the fact that she refuses to shower more than once a week…..


3. Work
No, been there and done that. Don’t shit where you eat. End of conversation.
 
4. Extra-curricular activities (ex. Sports, Classes, Church…)
These are good, until you tap out the pool, or it becomes too incestuous. Then it’s just weird. 

5. Online Dating
Often looked down upon, but seemingly successful for many… also, my most recent foray.
Online dating has its pros and cons. I’m not here to judge the merit of online dating, but simply to rant about a few people that really piss me off on online dating sites. This is again from a male perspective.

Hey Girl, Nice Rack.
Time and time again I stumble upon an incredibly attractive woman who has ten photos in her profile and 1/3 of them are great shots of her “assets”…. Boobs. Okay, you’ve got a great body, and with that you’ve caught my attention. So, lets see what you’ve got to say in your profile…. You think you’re funny, you like dogs, hiking, and you’re looking for Mr. Right…. 2-3 sentences of the most generic crap you could come up with. You’re profile was only 3 sentences and I’m already bored, but your boobs are pretty awesome… Okay. Time to write an email. It needs to be short but witty and show that I read your profile…. So what I’ve got to work with here is you have a great rack and you like dogs and hiking. How in the hell am I supposed to craft some sort of witty, email that doesn’t revolve around me pointing out how nice a rack you have or the fact that we both like dogs and hiking?  I either come off like douche or a generic vanilla loser.   So, I sit staring at my screen struggling to glean some sort of insight on you as a person from your photos, but all I can see are your boobs…. Cause that’s all you’re showing me. After five minutes of struggling to come up with something other than “hey, how’s your week going” I give up in frustration. I’ve gone from being attracted to you to completely annoyed in a matter of minutes. Which, based on your profile is probably a pretty good gauge of how I would feel about you if I met you in real life. I’m sure all that cleavage works great in the real world, but if you’re looking for anyone with any substance you’re gonna have to show a little more than your assets… boobs. –DELETED- P.S. The male version of this is Mr. Six Pack.

I’m Looking for Mr. Perfect
I HATE HATE HATE the girl who will write one or two lines about herself and then spend the next half a page describing her perfect man. He’s tall, dark, handsome, never farts, only has eyes for me, glitters in the sunlight, makes a million dollars a year, but I don’t really care about money, and he makes me laugh….. blah blah blah… Okay so you’re looking for the most perfect fictional guy ever. Two problems here. 1. You’ll never find him, because he doesn’t exist. You’re looking for a flawless man who changes at your every whim. I could rant about this for days, but what the more immediate issue I have with you is… WHAT DO I SAY TO YOU!? You’re cute and based on your photos I’m interested, but all you’ve told me about yourself is what you want. Which means all I have to talk about is myself and how I fill your requirements. You’ll get my email and immediately think of how full of myself I must be to simply email you with how awesome I am. And even if you don’t feel that way, I do just writing it. Mr. Right is never going to find you if you don’t give him anything to work with. Because dating is a two way street, and you need to have some of my requirements too. So, unless you can tell me a little about yourself–DELETED-

I’m an open book. Ask me anything.
I hate lazy people. The “Hey, I’m a pretty awesome and open person. If you have any questions just ask " Girl. JUST ASK!? What am I supposed to ask you? I don’t know anything about you. If I were to ask you anything it would be a shot in the dark hoping that I hit something we have in common. There is a 90% chance that I fail at this and my success or failure is complete chance. I don’t even bother with you anymore, because if you can’t come up with a single paragraph about yourself I don’t think I even want to know. –DELETED-

Single photo
You have an interesting profile, but you’ve only posted one photo of yourself. RED FLAG! People can look really good in one photo and horrible in the next. A good angle or lighting can change everything. I need to have the following. A close up, a wide shot, something sexy, something fun, something cute. If all you show is a close up, I’m worried about this.
If all you have is a wide shot I’m worried you’re a fifty yarder… someone who looks good from fifty yards, but looks like a piece of beef jerky up close. The point is we live in the age of camera phones and Facebook. I know you have more than one photo of yourself so please show me. Otherwise it’s just false advertising.   Maybe this comes off as chauvinistic, but the fact is appearances matter, and if you disagree you’re lying to yourself. – DELETED-

I guess what I’m trying to say is... Ladies the caliber of your profile will directly effect the caliber of your potential suitors. Don’t rely on your physical attributes alone. Don’t be lazy. Show us a lil character. You paid money to be here, so why not try and take advantage of it. Just be honest with yourself here, because once you meet someone in person you’re not going to be able to hide who you really are. Online dating has the potential to be an incredibly useful tool in our modern technological world, but like in all things, you’ll only get as good as you give.




Monday, May 28, 2012

Happy Forgetting Day!

I know this is a day about remembering and it's actually about soldiers, etc etc BUT when applied to old relationships, most of us just want to spend the day drinking enough Korbel 'til we black out and wake up the next day forgetting all the unworthy people that have seen us naked.

Luckily, I remembered this gem of a pop culture BLOW OFF way back from November 2009-- the very first month this little blog started.  Thanks to Kayolks (aka SAF) for writing this post.  She probably wouldn't admit this at the time, but back in the day, she had a little break up par-tay and this movie played on the TV the whole time in the background:

What if we could delete all of our horrific blowoff stories from our minds forever? I woke up this morning thinking about this-- would you?

Character-building is so overrated-- there are some experiences in life that should have never been explored. This is where Lacuna saves the day.


NO! I will most certainly NOT meet you in Montauk!

-posted by SAF, November 12, 2009




Friday, May 25, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Skinny Love by Bon Iver


And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind

And now all your love is wasted
And who the hell was I?
I'm breaking at the bridges
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?
Ooh, ooh
-Bon Iver, 2007

Thursday, May 24, 2012

the "you're not my mom" BLOW OFF

When I first moved in with the H bomb, back when he was still just my bf, I got two pieces of valuable advice from a dude who had just moved in with his girlfriend. He claimed that if I stuck to both, we would have a wonderful time living together and we would not break up. 

#1 Learn to be alone in the same space.  Done.  We're good at this.  We are both independent-- almost to a fault-- and we can be home at the same time and do our own thing.

#2 He already has a mom.  Be his girlfriend, don't mother him and don't nag.

I'll admit it: I sort of suck at this.  BUT I also hate it when guys use the whole mom argument.   I'm pretty sure they have this secret boy society where they've all decided that any time their girlfriend asks anything of them ever, their best line of defense is responding with "yes, mom."  It's kind of genius if you think about it.  If I say something like--- "hey, babe.  Do you think when you make your protein shakes in the morning you could wipe up the powder that spills everywhere?"  All he has to do is say "okay, mommy" and I instantly feel like I'm a horrible nagging typical female.  Not fair, men.  Not fair.

First of all, there are plenty of domestic pet peeves the H bomb reminds me of.  Like, I can forget to ring out the sponge or squeejee the shower or I hang my purse on the doorknob or I clip my nails within hearing distance of him.  But how come when he asks me not to do those things, it's not considered nagging? Okay, Bry just peered over my shoulder and read this post and said the difference is that women ask more of men then men ask of women.  I'll give him that.  It's probably true.  But I will say that's because we're very self sufficient.  There's just less things they're not getting from us that they need to ask for.  

Or maybe it's just the tone of our voice when we make requests?  Perhaps we sound a little more condescending or bitchy, because we are in such a state of shock that guys need to even be told to do certain things.  Either way, the mommy issue puts us ladies in a bit of a conundrum.   There have been times that I want to ask something of the H bomb that I think most people would agree is totally justified, but I panic on the inside about how to say it or when to say it so that he doesn't respond in that "stop nagging me" tone of voice.  This is where I should add that I have a very cool mellow husband who is cleaner than most guys and doesn't beat me or anything, but who can still respond in that "you're so annoying" tone every once in awhile. 

I'm not sure what the solution is here.  On one hand, I do think us ladies need to let more things roll off our back.  But the dudes need to stop relying on the "mommy" defense.  We get it.  You want a girlfriend, not a second mother.  Just like we want a man, not a little boy.


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 2

Back me up on this-- we just watched two hours of the MOST BORING episode of The Bachelorette ever.  I'm pissed.  I'm pissed at ABC.  I'm pissed at North Carolina.  And I'm pissed at Emily Maynard for having the personality of a deflated Mylar balloon.  Most of all, I'm pissed at Little Ricki.  But not Chris Harrison, because he's going through a divorce.  This season better have some surprises.  Like, I want a Big Ricky hologram to show up at the next rose ceremony.

Anyway, the show starts with some stupid local newscast about how all of Charlotte is hoping Queen Emily of the Carolinas finds her one true love.  I'm thinking maybe the town is under some sort of spell and it can only be broken if Emily finds love and that's why these people care so much about her. 

My ice cold heart does warm up a little bit when we see Emily hanging out with all her mom friends.  No wonder she thinks Jef with one F is a 21st century Marty McFly.  Her crew is a bunch of dorky chubby moms.  I was also pretty shocked that she had a brown friend.  The jury is still out, because that woman didn't say a single thing so she might have come straight from central casting. 

I took a quick cat nap when Chris Harrison showed up at the house to explain the rules of the show to the remaining contestants.  So, unfortunately, since I missed this scene I was completely lost for the next two hours.  Wait, what does it mean when someone gets a rose?  What the hell is a one on one date?  Is this a dream within a dream within a dream?  Did Emily do inception to Chris Harrison's brain? 

One of my top favorite parts of this episode is when the first date card arrives and one of the bachelors says "Guys.  It just got real."  Um, things get real when people die or when someone gets in a car accident or when someone has a baby.  NOT when a date card arrives. 

The first one on one date goes to Ryan and he's fired up.  He starts quoting his pastor to all the dudes.  I think he's confused.  Ryan: this isn't American Idol.  America does not get to vote for you.   God talk when Emily isn't present isn't going to get you anywhere.  Weren't you listening when Chris Harrison explained the rules?

The absolute best part of the date card arrival is the inevitable jealousy that consumes the house.  There are always about three guys that act like they need to take a razor blade to their inner-thighs so that the pain will make them forget someone else is spending the day with Emily.

I would now like to interrupt this post to send a message to ABC: the gratuitous waxed chest shots and the douchey tattoo shots did nothing for me.  Sure, it's nice to see men objectified for once, but the last time I was this traumatized by bare chests it was at the Olympic Gardens in Vegas. 

Emily arrives to pick up Ryan and it's revealed that it's the morning after the rose ceremony.   Seriously?  For some reason, I always assume a week goes by between episodes.  Em gushes about how hot she thinks Ryan is and I just don't see it.  Maybe it's because his neck is the size of a fat thigh on a toilet seat, maybe it's the roids, maybe it's the Criss Angel hair.  I can't put my finger on it, but something is missing.  Ryan gets the worst date ever in the history of the bachelor franchise, because he gets to go to Emily's house and help her bake cookies for Little Ricki's soccer game.  This got on my nerves for a few different reasons.  First of all, it was boring as all hell to watch.  Second, there were no helicopters involved.  Third, you know if this was really a day in the life for Emily, she would just stop at the grocery story and buy Little Ricki a box of Chips Ahoy.  Fourth, I respect Em for wanting to have some mundane dates, but did I mention it was as boring as hell to watch?  Fifth, I don't think Ryan eats carbs or sugar.  I also just think it's wrong for Ryan to even be in the car when Emily goes to the soccer field to drop off the cookies.  Poor Little Ricki is going to be in therapy in twenty years sorting through the time her mom had twenty boyfriends. 

The bake off wasn't even the worst part of this date.  The worst part was when Ryan and Emily go out to dinner and there's-- no joke-- a massive number of Charlotte residents taking pictures of them with their phones and lining the red carpet.  I am so confused!  Am I supposed to think Emily is just a normal mom or am I supposed to think she's the Duchess of Wales?!  Ryan makes a rookie mistake at dinner with Emily by basically admitting that he just loves to chase women.  And he asks her whether she likes to run so he can chase her or something.  Hmmmm.  That sounds like something a rapist would say.  Also, I'm pretty sure Ryan is going to make a lot of sports analogies through the season.  I do give him props for asking Emiliy some solid dating questions, which ultimately gets him a rose.   After dinner, they go outside to greet their fans and then slow dance to some song by some redneck band I have never heard of.  (Side note: the lead singer was hot though, right?  Em should be with him!)

All in all, I think Ryan and Emily have chemistry-- especially when their southern twangs come out. But I think this sequence really hurt the town of Charlotte, NC.  It made them look like a bunch of losers.  They might as well have been holding signs that said "Charlotte: where people from big cities travel to conduct focus groups."  Side note, I did not like Emily's stripper outfit during the dinner and her lips are looking a little too Lohan for my taste. 

At this point in the episode, I start having a panic attack that my puppy slipped some LSD in my water, because suddenly the Muppets appear.  WTF.  How dare they go on the Bachelorette when they're not even promoting a movie?!  Someone please explain this to me.  Does ABC think moms are going to be watching the show with their kids?  The group date guys are told they are going to put on a show to help raise money for the local children's hospital (which is funded by Big Ricky's parents).  Party MC is super excited, because apparently it's been his dream to perform with Kermit the Frog.  I'm starting to warm up to him.  I like his goofy smile and his terrible outfit-- crooked page boy hat?  Sweater around his shoulders?  I'm also starting to wonder if he's actually Harry Connick, Jr in a douche disguise. 

The big conflict in the group date is that Brain Damaged Charlie is terrified of performing, because he's still getting his speech back.  He's really stressed out and he has to confess all to Emily and ask if he can back out of the stand up comedy portion of the performance.  Em is super sweet about it, but I've got a feeling Charlie is totally that guy who uses brain damage as an excuse for everything.  Like: sorry guys, can someone else drive?  I've got brain damage. 

I don't even know where to start with his whole Muppets charity performance except to say that Kermit and Piggy are going to need to do some serious damage control after this episode.  There's some terrible song and dance number where Emily just stands there and moves her hips from side to side while the guys dance around her.  The stand up comedy is painful.  At least Charlie's brain doesn't explode when he's interviewed by Miss Piggy.  Poor Little Ricki has to endure it all from the audience.  Again, it's too soon for her to be on camera.  I'm sorry, but I do think that reflects poorly on Em as a mom.  Little Ricki gets on stage to sing a song with Emily and neither of them really sings.  Emily announces that they raised $20,000 for the children's hospital.  AKA Big Ricky's parents wrote a check. 

At the cocktail party portion of the night, Emily shows more of her shallow side by telling Chris how hot he is.  She has weird taste.  I think Chris is cute, but hot?  nuh-uh.  One of the greatest mysteries of the world is how into Jef she is.  She actually gets all needy/insecure girl on him.  I will admit, he's kind of growing on me, but she sort of looks like a cougar next to him.  I think he's as confused and shocked as we all are that she likes him.  And even though Charlie got over brain damage for her, Jef gets the group date rose. 

I sort of like Kalon, because he looks like he just walked off the set of Gossip Girl.  I get the feeling that he has some secret dark pit in this apartment where he keeps his ex-girlfriends.  I bet he even has a red room of pain.  He and Party MC have some words and for some reason I want to give Party MC a big hug and tell him it's okay.  He may be kind of douchey, but he also seems like a sweetie. 

In a shocking turn of events, Joe ("EMILY!") gets the next one on one date.  I'm a little confused that it didn't go to someone like Arie (the race car driver) or Sean (Aryan nation).  But Emily has weird taste and says she thinks Joe looks like Matthew McCounaghey.  I was gonna go with James Van Der Beek's third cousin, but okay.  Joe gets to board a private jet to go to...West Virginia.  The fuck.  I'm longing for Ben F's season where they went to places like San Francisco and Sonoma.   I'll admit, I kind of like Emily's gold dress.  Her wardrobe has had some off moments, but so far she's much more fashionable than Ashley Perfackt Cupcake.  She takes Joe to the Greenbrier, some fancy hotel that she loved to go to as a kid.  They go for a swim and even though Emily has a great figure-- especially for someone who's had a kid, she doesn't have the body of a 26 year old.  Maybe it's from being a tanorexic, but her stomach is a little on the leathery side.

SO.  Here's where I need to call bull shit.  Even though I think Joe is a little on the dorky side, he's taking this cheesy hotel thing in stride and he even tells Emily she looks pretty in her bright pink prom dress.  He doesn't say that he wants to get married or have kids right away, which I'm guessing means he's for real, because that's not really a good strategy to play.  After realizing he probably answered all of Emily's questions wrong, Emily introduces Joe to the love cock.  I mean, the love clock.  Basically, lovers put little notes in the clock hoping their relationship stands the test of time.  Whatever, it's kind of romantic BUT after Joe puts in some super sweet note about taking care of Emily and bringing Little Ricki here for a make over and a mani/pedi, she DUMPS HIM.

If you've watched this show before, getting dumped on a one on one date is probably the most humiliating way to go out.  Think about it.  What if someone asked you to go home in the middle of a date?  And usually, the person that endures this kind of humiliation doesn't get the boot until later in the season, after going to a couple cool places and making lifelong friends with some of the guys.  Obviously, the producers knew this episode was going to be a snoozefest so they needed to do something exciting and asked Emily to pick the guy she would feel the least bad about kicking to the curb.  Also, Emily keeps saying how she wants something more real-- not just someone she can laugh and go swimming with.  Uh, it's not like it was Joe's idea to go swimming.  It was the effing producers.  They ruin everything!  I feel bad for Joe.  He didn't even get an exit interview to say how dumb the show is and that he almost fell asleep and drowned while swimming, because Emily is beyond boring.

I almost forgot!  Back at the house,  some lame drama gets stirred up when Kalon makes a comment about how Doug put being a dad on hold to come on the bachelorette.  Doug totally flips out on him, then asks whether he thinks Emily put being a mom on hold to be on the show.  Yes and Yes.  Okay, I'm totally Team Kalon in this situation.   Doug spins some story about how he's devoted his whole life to his kid after he found out at 20 that he was going to be a dad and that he only came here, because his son wanted him to.  Look.  I'm all for parents doing things for themselves and not giving up everything last part of their lives to their kids, but that does not include coming on a terrible reality show and competing against 25 other guys for a girl.  How do you think Doug, Jr is gonna feel when he finds out there's this thing that exists called online dating and that you don't have to go on TV to find love?  Spending time away from your child to come on The Bachelorette does make you kind of a bad dad.  Especially when you're whoring your kid out every chance you get for a rose.  I bet Doug's kid wanted him to go because he thinks his dad is lame and annoying and he wanted to get away from him. 

Before we get to the cocktail party and the rose ceremony, I just have to say that I love how they always show Emily getting ready at her house, in front of her own vanity.  Are we really supposed to believe that she does her own hair and make up, while Little Ricki sits on her lap?  HELL NO.  You better believe there's hair and make up there at all times! 

Okay, cocktail party time.  Here are the highlights.  Emily really likes Arie, because she says he makes her nervous.  I think he's got a pretty good shot of sticking around.  At least 'til a hometown visit.  It turns out at the cocktail party that Ryan is a douche loser and that Emily should have never given him a rose.  He wrote her a seven page letter (with words scribbled out all over the place, because he can't spell) and insisted that she read it aloud to him.  That's not even the worst part.  Poor Tony (AKA lumber and plywood savant) has to stand in the corner and wait for her to finish reading the letter before he can talk to her.  This was so incredibly awkward.  Ryan's dumb.  He should have totally saved that letter for next week when he didn't have a rose yet!  He totally blew his wad.

Meanwhile, Tony is super anxious to talk to Emily, because she doesn't know that he's a dad yet and that's pretty much his best shot at getting a rose tonight.  When he brings up his son, Emily seems all kinds of annoyed, because now she can't send him home.  I do give him a little bit of credit for not telling Emily what a great brother his kid would be to little Ricki on night #1.  Emily is also really into Kalon, even though I think he's a little gay and might dance in front of the mirror with his penis tucked between his legs every so often.  What this show is missing is someone like Bentley to throw out more zingers.  At least we have The Wolf who delivers the best line of the night about Kalon:  If you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you're a dude, you're an asshole.  BURN!

Chris Harrison arrives to put in his five minutes and announces it's time for the rose ceremony.  Just when I thought this show couldn't get worse, Emily sends Aaron (AKA older Ryan Gosling) home.  What the fuck is wrong with this girl?  He was the closest thing to eye candy on the show with his non-prescription black rimmed glasses and now he's gone?  I can't say I'm surprised about Kyle getting the boot, but Aaron?  My heart is broken.   I mean, she gave a rose to PARTY MC.

Side note: Where the hell was the ostrich egg in this episode?  If the final rose episode doesn't end with Emily setting herself on fire and a baby dragon popping out of that egg, there will be hell to pay. 


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

the top ten reasons you should BLOW OFF your friends

Friendships last longer than most relationships.  Hell, they last longer than most marriages.  My oldest friend and I have been besties since we were eight years old.  That means we'll be celebrating our 24th anniversary of being friends.  That shit cray.  And we've had a long distance friendship since we were ten years old and she moved away from California.  That's what I call real love and commitment, folks.  I even ripped the tail off her sock monkey during a fight and she forgave me.  But it doesn't always work that way.  Sometimes, as we get older, people change and drift apart.  And sometimes we get trapped in friendships with people we have nothing in common with, but we've known them for SO long and don't know how to cut them out of our lives.  We don't exactly have the break up talk with our friends.  Usually we just stop returning their phone calls and hide them on Facebook and feel guilty as hell about it.  Well, here are ten types of friends that I think we should all consider dumping:

10.  The career shape-shifter.  Look, I realize not everyone knows what they want to be when they grow up at the age of five and that's totally fine.  And it's important to try out different jobs and careers before you decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.  I'm not talking about those people.  I'm talking about the friends that literally change their career paths every other week.  And none of their career paths are even under the same career heading (example: wanting to open a bakery one week, then wanting to be a marine biologist the following week.)  The reason these friends are exhausting is because they announce every new dream like it's the greatest thing since sliced bread and we're forced to sit there and encourage them and tell them what an awesome NASA scientist they'll make, when we know in a few days they'll decide to write children's books.

9.  The super-duper needy friend.  This is the person that expects you to drop everything, because they're going through a crisis.  And usually that crisis is something relatively minor like a bad date or a pimple.  These are also the friends that cry at the first sign of conflict, so you can never confront them about anything, because they go into victim mode right away. 


8.  The "why haven't you called me" friend.  Look, we're all busy.  And most of us have close friends that don't live in the same cities as we do.  Sometimes weeks and months will go by between those dreaded phone conversations where we have to talk to someone for two plus hours to catch each other up on our lives.  Most of us don't get mad at our friends when they've been out of touch for awhile, because we know shit happens.  But then there's those friends that take it way too personally.  They're not even necessarily part of the #9 needy mother-fuckers, they just think you deserve to feel like crap for not reaching out to them every other week even if you have five kids and are working three jobs.


7.  The back-handed compliment friend.  Gotta love these bitches.  This is the friend that manages to insult you, while making you think they're complimenting you.  SO, by the time you even realize they're telling you you're ugly, it's too late to call them out on it.  You know, they say shit like "your boobs look so much bigger now that you've put on weight." Or "Wow, congratulations.  I didn't know you could get a guy that hot."

6. The flake.  We all have to cancel plans once in awhile, but there's the people that do it on a regular basis and always at the last minute and usually because there's a penis or a vagina they need to clear their schedule for.  You can't do this shit all the time no matter how tempting it might be.  I remember once after a fight with the H-bomb, I had dinner plans with a friend and then he made dinner plans for us to make it up to me, but I turned him down, cause I just couldn't be that person that flaked on my friend as soon as the guy in my life wanted to hang out.   

5.  The hot mess.  This is the person you almost want to stay friends with, because they make you feel better about yourself.  But it gets a little frustrating when after yet another series of bad decisions, you have to be the one that's there to pick up the pieces.  If you are friends with a hot mess and they are over the age of thirty, then you need to start letting them handle their ridiculous dramas on their own. 

4.  The super slutty-slash-drunk friend.  I know, I know.  You shouldn't call anyone a slut and just because a guy or a girl likes to fuck, it doesn't make them a ho.  But how annoying is it when they fuck a bunch of people in your social circle and then it's always problematic when someone tries to have a party and a bunch of people that awkwardly fucked have to get all weird about being in the same room with each other again.  People: be a good friend. Fuck strangers.  The super slutty friend is usually also the super drunk friend who usually takes you away from a perfectly good shindig, so you can help them puke.  This is when it pays to be a dude.  I have a feeling they don't rub their buddies back as he's barfing into a toilet bowl.

3. The Self-Righteous friend: Clearly, if you've read numbers 10-4 you know that this is the category I would fit under.  But believe it or not, I've been really trying to practice the art of letting go.  Anyway, here's my advice to all of you self-righteous peeps.  Stop with the lecturing and the advice.  Sometimes being a good friend actually means walking away.  Just keep your judgements to yourself.  Or do what I do.  Talk shit behind their back. 

2.  the "i'm single, let's hang out" friend.  Well, this is an obvious one, but one of the worst friend offenders are the ones that fall off the face of the earth when they're dating someone, then expect to hang out everyday when they're going through a break up.  This should be against the law.  Like, I really feel like these people should get the electric chair.

1.  The me, me, me  friend.   These are the friends that only want to hang out in their neighborhood.  They always ask for rides, but never offer them in return.  They borrow money.  They constantly talk about themselves.  They ask to stay at your place when they're in town, but their apartments are never available when you happen to be visiting their city.  They borrow clothes and never give them back.  They sleep with your ex-boyfriends or girlfriends.  They're never available for your milestones or birthday parties, even though you helped plan theirs.  In a nutshell, they are terrible people and terrible friends and they prefer to surround themselves with passive doormats.  You should give them a taste of their own medicine.  Steal all their money, hook up with their exes, miss their birthdays, and then stop speaking with them.  Then tag super ugly pictures of them on Facebook.  Preferably ones where they're sitting on a toilet or where their muffin tops are curling over their jeans. 

Okay, wow. This is a long list of grievances.  I'm going to start stepping it up and being a better friend so I can practice what I preach.  And clearly I have severed some ties with friends over the years, but the ones I do have in my life are all keepers. Any of those whores who try to break up with ME?  I will hunt them down and force them into a spa day.

Monday, May 21, 2012

the best send off ever

Did everyone see this on SNL over the weekend? Can someone please give me a send off like this when I quit a job? LOVED. And it's a nice reminder that sometimes good-byes are bittersweet.

the "don't screw with my baby" BLOW OFF

Editor's note: Last week, I wrote a piece about getting a pet with a significant other and one of our loyal readers posted an amazing comment about her own experience with the topic.  I had to hear the whole story and she was gracious enough to share it with me.  If you have any dating stories you want to get off your chest, email us at theblowoffwtf@gmail.com!

I had been dating my college boyfriend for about 4.5 years when we decided to move from San Diego to Laguna Niguel. We mainly did this because he had a job offer up there and thought we'd set up shop "forever" i.e. 11 months. This blow off has about a million blow offs in one, but I'll try to stick to the dog story. So, we move up there and look for places that accept dogs because we both really wanted a dog. I had really wanted a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel but they're like $1500 and I was still in college and he was just working his first job out of college so we weren't quite there yet. We went to pet stores ALL the time (I know, the worst place to buy a dog) and on one of the trips we saw two Cavalier mixes, a girl and a boy. We both wanted a girl so we played with her in the little play space and she was a lunatic, running around, biting us, real squirmy. So we were like, she's not for us, let's check out the boy even though we don't want a boy. He was a calm little angel that just cuddled with us. So the now ex-bf looks at me and is like, do you want him? He's cheaper than a full breed, but looks exactly like one. So, he buys him for me (it was my Valentine's Day present). We get the dog home, he's a lunatic, but I love him to pieces (again, there's a million blow offs here).

So, 9 months later, said ex-boyfriend is working as a loan officer, making shit-tons of money and being a big fat douche bag with his wallet full of cash. We house hunt, he buys a house, I help him move into said house, but know my stuff is never moving there.  So before we move my stuff we have "the talk" about how things are just not working out (we had sex two times in that whole year, he was telling his work friends I was overweight, when they'd meet me people would say straight to my face, oh, you're not what I pictured, he said you were heavier, blah, blah, blah). So we agree that I won't move into the house, but I can keep the apartment. I hated the OC so I was like, I'm just going to move back to LA with my family and figure out my life plan (I had just graduated from college). So I move out of the apartment and we decide to do joint custody at this point because we were kind of in limbo, we had been together for so long we thought maybe we just needed to take some time and regroup.  I move up to LA with my parents with my pup in tow, drive back down to Orange County to drop him off at the ex's the following week. The next week he's supposed to do the same as I did the prior week but calls and says his mom is in town for Thanksgiving and really wants to see the dog-- can he keep him for another week? Sure.

Then the next week comes and he says, this is kind of a pain (um, you haven't driven anywhere yet!) and not fair for the dog, so why don't you ask your parents what they think about having a dog and if you want him then it's your choice, but I'd love to keep him.  I talk to my parents and they're like, he's your dog, of course you can keep him (a few chewed walls and doors later they might have changed their mind, but at this point they were on board). So I call him and am like, my parents said it's no problem for me to keep him, so I'll take him. He gets pissed. Like, fit of rage pissed. How could you be so selfish?! Your life isn't conducive to having a dog! (I'm not really sure what that meant because it's not like I was homeless living in a cardboard box. I was already working at a new job and living in a house with three other people, how is that not dog worthy?) I needed to rethink my decision. I was like, fuck you, you said the decision was mine and now you're saying it's not?! I was livid. Screaming on the phone, scaring my family and the whole nine yards. So I get off the phone and am like, I'm going and getting my dog. My parents were like, you can't drive, you're too emotional, you need to sleep on it. So I said, fine.

As soon as everyone went to work the next day I drove down to Orange County. One of the ex's selling points was that he had a yard that the dog could play in and my parents just have a little patch of grass, because they live in a condo. Well, I get there and the dog is locked in the garage. So much for all that yard! So I jump the gate to the side yard, pop off the screen on the window of the garage door and crawl in. Walked out the door with my dog in tow (it was also his first birthday which I was real pissed about too). I went to the apartment (we still had it for the rest of that month) and hung out with the puppy and then the ex calls. So he's apologizing for being so irrational the night before, that we needed to get together and talk about things..... So I was like, thanks for the apology, but I already solved the problem, I have the dog. He told me I was a psycho bitch, I told him to fuck himself and that was that. I had my baby back! (see the adorable picture of Luca above)

I'm somewhat of a serial monogamist (which means I have A LOT of blow off stories) so I've had to get over a few heartaches, but this has been my longest relationship to date and the easiest to get over. After the shit went down with my dog, I was over it. Don't fuck with my baby. Now, I know how mom's feel when they actually birth their babies.

Friday, May 18, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Survivor by Destiny's Child

How has this never been a song of the day?



Thought I couldn't breathe without you
I'm inhaling
You thought I couldn't see without you
Perfect vision

You thought I couldn't last without you
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without you
But I'm livin'

Thought that I would fail without you
But I'm on top
Thought it would be over by now
But it won't stop

Thought that I would self destruct
But I'm still here
Even in my years to come
I'm still goin' be here
-Destiny's Child, 2001

Thursday, May 17, 2012

the off-again, off-again, off-again BLOW OFF

Last week, Film Girl wrote an awesome post about how she got back together with her college boyfriend after he dumped her...only to eventually get dumped by him again.  It made me realize that I've had follow up trysts with most of the guys I've dated-- usually in hopes that it might lead to something-- and it does.  Me getting hurt all over again.  But alas, sometimes you need to get hurt twice to really truly get over a person.   A second break up helps answer the whole what could've been question.  Answer: NOTHING.

But getting back together with an ex for a third time is where I draw the line.  Unless you are on a television series called Friends and your names are Ross and Rachel, it is not okay to be OFF again, on again, OFF again, on again, OFF again with someone.  Stop at the second "off", people.  I'm pretty sure third times the charm does not apply when it comes to horrible a-holes that dumped you.  Plus, once you've reached a third break up, you've also hit the statute of limitations when it comes to discussing said heartbreak.  You essentially have to suffer through the pain alone-- with everyone giving you "i told you so" looks.  Sure, maybe it worked for Carrie and Big...but again, they are fictional television characters with a movie franchise and these rules do not apply to them.

I realize this is all easier said than done.  When you still have feelings for someone and they come out of the woodwork begging for you back, it's hard not to wonder if it means you're meant to be together.  What's a girl or boy to do in this situation?  Well, since we're on the subject of fictional television characters, I say take a page from Nick's book on New Girl.   When he hit rock bottom after a break up with his girlfriend Caroline, he made a video to remind his future self that under no circumstances should he ever get back together with her.  It's sort of a self-intervention.  Genius.   I will personally hire a film crew and help you make a Dear Future Self video.  Sometimes we don't want to listen to our friends when they try to warn us or give us advice, but we can't really ignore the old, sad, pathetic version of ourselves, can we?

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The Bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode one

I think we can all agree the best part of the new season of The Bachelorette is the graphic of Emily holding little Ricki in her arms in a field.  I'm pretty sure we can also agree on the Emily Maynard drinking games for this season. Chug when anyone says:

Little Ricki
Plane Crash
Single Mom
Awesome

The season premiere starts with Emily, in full hair and make up, spending quality time with her daughter Ricki. They feed ducks, talk about how thankful they are for love, make pancakes, and even do the school pick up. We get it. Emily is the perfect mom. And she's LONELY. Because she lives in this quiet empty house. Someone please give this woman a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, stat.

Here's my overall feeling on Emily. She seems like a genuinely lovely person. No, for reals. And even though she wears too much make up and is about ten years away from looking like one of the cast members of Real Housewives of Orange County, she does seem like a really nice person who went through a terrible tragedy. But she's SO BORING. Seriously, even Little Ricki seems bored to tears most of the time.

Anyway, we get a little recap of Em's back story. The plane crash. The pregnancy. Brad Womack. Then we get a bunch of shots of her standing around Charlotte all pensive. Then she goes horseback riding to clear her mind. Emily is super duper ready to fall in love and get married. Here's a quote: "you gotta just put on your big girl panties and move along with it." Say what? What are big girl panties? Grannies? Thongs? Edible undies? Someone please tell me now.

Since ABC has a huge hard on for Emily, this season begins in her hometown of Charlotte, NC. Yet somehow, they've found a house that looks just as cheesy and tacky as the Bachelor abode in the valley.  What's with all the soft colored lights?  And why does this house still smell like STDS?

Okay, let's meet the guys.

Kalon: he wears tight-fitting suits, he's from Houston, TX, he's a luxury brand consultant. He's pretty hot, but I'm getting a slight Patrick Bateman gay vibe from him. I just can't see him reading Little Ricki bedtime stories. He says he used to be a womanizer, but he's done a lot of "self-reflecting" (AKA he got herpes) and now he wants to settle down.

Ryan: He played eight years of pro-football and now he's a trainer. He works with kids. Cute. His neck is wider than his head and his hairstyle is a little too Siegfried & Roy for my taste.

Tony: At first we (my bachelorette watching posse) were like, ewww when we saw Tony and his greasy face and his love of lumber and plywood, but when he said he was a dad, there was a communal awww in the room. He's got a five year old son and they like to eat snow together. WTF. Why are single dads so freaking hot? And then he does the "what has two thumbs and is gonna marry Emily?" (pointing to himself) "this guy." It's ruined. The hotness is ruined, just like that.

Lerone: Wait a second I'm so confused. Is he BLACK? Is there an actual BLACK MAN on The Bachelor? And he's pretty cute. He's totally not getting a rose. Let's be real folks, when Emily says she wants to find a dad for little Ricki, she wants to find a white blonde guy.

David: the singer/songwriter from New York City. At first, David looks like he's a pretty cute normal guy and then he starts talking about how songwriting comes naturally to him. He sings the most terrible song I've ever heard which basically consists of the lyrics "emily, emily, emily." It kind of reminds me of the song Woody sings in Cheers. Remember: kelly, kelly, kelly, kelly. But that song was WAY better. Come on, what does this guy really do for a living? He has to be a waiter. These dudes should be required to list their actual occupations, not their freaking pipe dreams.

Charlie: I just love this guy. I'm a sucker for a tragic story and this guy fell off a freaking balcony and got brain damage. It's really cute when he says he may have had a head injury, but there's nothing wrong with his heart. I really like Charlie for Emily. I think they are a good fit. She doesn't seem all that bright and he has brain damage. They are perfect for each other!

Jef: Don't even get me started on Jef with one F. He totally looks like he belongs in the band One Direction. I can get behind the whole CEO of a water charity thing, but the whole skateboarding thing is a little too Marty McFly in Back to the Future for me.

Arie: Of course. The race car driver. Classic shameless ABC move. As we all know, Emily's dead baby daddy was a race car driver. Arie claims he's definitely nervous to tell her what he does for a living, but I secretly think he knows this is going to give him a leg up.  No way production would get rid of this guy the first night. 

Little Ricki helps Emily get ready for her gang bang and our hearts are supposed to be touched by this warm mother/daughter moment. I'll admit, it's sweet. But does anyone else wish Little Ricki was cuter? There's something about her that I find off-putting. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say she's a robot.

Emily arrives at the new bachelorette house and is greeted by Chris Harrison. They keep looking at each other and saying things like "wow" and "weird" and "golly." Chris pretends like he's as astonished by the whole thing as Emily is. Why is she acting all weirded out by this? We all know she was hoping she'd be the Bachelorette the second she applied for Brad Womack's season. I'm willing to bet she was PISSED he proposed to her, because he robbed her of the chance to be the lead in her very own franchise.

I try to get past Emily's botoxed face and collagen lips, but it's not easy. I finally manage to do it and listen as Emily talks about being "the bachelorette" like it's the equivalent of being POTUS. Child, please. Miss America has way more responsibilities. Harrison asks Emily about her tragic past and she actually says she doesn't want to talk about it anymore and she's moved on from it. Um, I'll believe it when I see it. I guarantee it comes up at least three more times in this episode. I don't have much else to say about this interview with Chris Harrison, because my eyes have glazed over. All I remember is that Emily wants babies, lots of lots of babies. Huh? Is this chick really only 26? Back me up, she looks 36.

The men arrive. There's Sean AKA the leader of the Aryan nation. Emily seems to like him. The douchey songwriter arrives and he seems super annoyed he's in Charlotte and not LA where he planned to launch his career as a waiter. Doug AKA Sleepless in Seattle tells Emily that he's left a son at home. Good move. Lead with the kid! Although, I've known some single moms who don't want to date guys with kids. This chick just made it clear to Harrison that she wants babies, not some eleven year old step-son from Seattle. Pink on pink fitness model gets down on his knees when he sees Emily and says, and I quote "Life's not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the number of moments that take our breath away." I really feel like Emily should take off her high heel here and beat him over the head with it repeatedly until he has a hole in his head. These are grown men. They should have way better game than this. I'm a little perplexed by Joe who's like "emily!!!" when he sees her. He seems more like the sidekick friend in an R rated romantic comedy. He gets points for enthusiasm, but I get the "i think it's funny to fart in your face" vibe from him.

Emily's eyes light up when she sees Arie, the race car driver. He's cute, I guess. But I'm not a fan of the little eyes. Chris seems promising. He manages to bring up his dad and the big guy in the sky. He seems sincere. And then there's Aaron. I think he's one of the hotter guys in the house. He's got a Ryan Gosling vibe to him and I even forgive him for his cheesy ass line "I'm a high school biology teacher, but I'm here to have chemistry with you." Em says she failed chemistry and biology. OMG. Amazing.  She really is an idiot.  Then there's Alessandro from Brazil. I love that the second he starts talking, they play Latin music. I find this a little offensive.  It's not like they played the soundtrack of Deliverance when any of the guys from the south showed up. He speaks to Emily in Portuguese and she responds with "gracias." Brain damaged guy is looking better and better for her.

I can't believe Em actually seems to be into Jef with one F and his skateboard entrance. What is this? 1995? Is he gonna pull out a hacky sack next? Then Lerone makes his entrance. Don't screw this up, Lerone. Black men all over America are counting on you. Emily actually seems to be into him. He could make it to the fantasy suite stage.  Speaking of race and The Bachelor franchise, Asians are seriously underrepresented on this show.  Who am I kidding.  No self respecting Asian parent would let their child on this show, let alone any reality TV show.  Seriously: how many Asians do you know on reality TV??   Margaret Cho on Celebrity Apprentice does not count. 

And then, the moment I've been waiting for. STEVIE!!!!! Where do I start with this guy. He comes in with a boombox playing music straight out of a blaxploitation film.  He wears a green button down and does some terrible dance moves. He is a party MC.  His nickname is probably "the scenario." There is no way this guy is getting a rose.

Just when I think things can't get worse, Tony arrives with a glass slipper and introduces himself as Prince Charming. This guy is never going to live this down. So embarrassing. I can't handle it. Why do guys think women have a princess fantasy? You just know Chris Harrison put him up to that. Other highlights: the guy that arrives dressed as Norman Bates's mother. Okay, Randy. I give you points on creativity and there's the callback to the grandma from Ben F's season, but the whole thing is a little ridiculous. Nate seems to be Em's favorite. She even says "he's so cute" when he walks away. I'm just going to say it: He looks like Ricky.
Nate
Emily & Ricky, tears!
Finally, there's Travis who carries around an egg with him. He says it's a symbol of Emily and Ricki and he's going to take care of it, like he would take care of them. What an idiot. I mean, didn't we all have to do this assignment in eighth grade? Frankly, I would be insulted if I was Emily. Being a father/husband is not the equivalent of carrying an egg around. How do you guys feel about the long-haired guy from Austin? Strangely hot, right? There's even another South American man. Emily must like Latinos. She did after all name her daughter after Ricky Martin.

Just when I thought this episode was missing something, a helicopter lands outside the house. The guys start freaking out. They think it might be Brad Womack. But it's Kalon, the luxury brand consultant. I kind of think this is hot, purely in a Christian Grey sort of way (Yes, clearly I'm reading 50 Shades) BUT does he even own this helicopter? I seriously doubt it. This guy is trying too hard and I don't like it. I'm telling you, if he becomes little Ricki's stepdad, he's going to lock her in the attic and feed her bread and water.

Emily's interactions with the guys are pretty uneventful. I'm confused as to how the guy Brent got on the show. He's 41. He's got a weird mole. He's from Fresno.  And he has six kids. That is just wrong on so many levels. Chris gives Emily bobble heads of them and she seems super in her element playing pretend with dolls. She's into him. I'm pretty surprised that Emily is all smitten with Jef with one F. She says he has a cool vibe. Oh, poor Em. She hasn't spent much time outside of North Carolina. Doug gives Emily a note from his son. I'm fully expecting her to sound out the letters and not be able to read it.  Then, we could have a literacy PSA at the end of the show.  I love how Doug is whoring out his son right out of the gate. Needless to say, it snags him the first impression rose. I'm glad Emily didn't give it to Patrick Bateman. There's some drama between him and Party MC. I really, really, want to see these two get into a knife fight. It's hard to say who'd win. Party MC would be quick on his feet and turn the whole thing into a dance off, but Patrick Bateman is ruthless and would probably slice off Party MC's chin and frame his flavor saver. The only other notable moment was when Arie told Emily he was a race car driver and asked her if that made her uncomfortable. She pulls herself together and says that she loves the race track and it's totally fine. Then later, in an interview she says he would look hot in a race car. OMG. I really hope Big Ricky was taking a bathroom break in heaven when she said that.

Speaking of Party MC, this might have been the most shocking rose ceremony EVER, because he actually gets a rose. I'm serious. He got a rose and Lerone, the black guy was sent home. This is proof that Emily is a bigot. Is there no justice in the world? At least she keeps the two Latinos. But I think it bears repeating: SHE GAVE PARTY MC A ROSE! Most of the rejected guys leave with their dignity in tact. Although Lerone should have called her a straight up racist before he left. I actually feel a little bad for Brent at the end who says that at his age and with six kids, it's not a high probability that he'll find love again. I hate to say it Brent, but you're right. And the pink on pink fitness trainer uses his exit interview as an opportunity to take his shirt off. I would give Em props for letting him go, BUT SHE GAVE PARTY MC A ROSE.

The season preview looks all kinds of exciting, but the best moment (aside from Dolly Parton) was when Emily tells someone to "get the fuck out." Golly gee! Who knew she had it in her. I'm about 99.9% positive she is speaking to Little Ricki. Anyway, who's your favorite guy for Emily so far? Comment below!


Tuesday, May 15, 2012

puppy love & the BLOW OFF

Anyone who knows me personally or reads this blog is familiar with my obsession with pugs.  I've never been an animal person and I think I initially fell in love with pugs, because they look like furry babies.  The big eyes, the wrinkled foreheads, the chubby bellies.  After years of collecting ridiculous amounts of pug paraphernalia (plates, socks, posters, calendars, etc.) the life partner and I finally took the plunge and got one.  In a way, I was glad we waited until after we were married.  Part of me felt like I didn't want to get a pet out of wedlock.  Sure, it was okay to move in together, but to raise an animal together?  That would be a serious commitment. 

And it is.  Our little pup completely depends on us for food and bathroom breaks.  She's young, so she wants attention and someone to play with.  We still crate her when we leave the house, so that means we can't be away from home for more than four consecutive hours at a time cause her bladder wouldn't like it.  In the process, we've totally turned into those dog people that talk about our pet like she's our child.  She sleeps in bed with us.  We show strangers pictures of her.  We basically spend all our evenings staring at her and gushing about how cute she is.  And we're totally part of the dog community in our neighborhood. Yes, there's an actual dog community.  I know all of my neighbors that have dogs now.  I don't really know their names, but I don't need to as long as I know their dogs names.   I never truly understood the bond people have with their pets, but now I know, it's legit.

I'm glad none of my old bfs had dogs for me to bond with, because it would have been that much sadder to say good bye to them and their pet.  I know a few people that really bonded with their significant other's cat or dog and had a harder time parting ways with the animal than the ex.  My cousin and her old boyfriend got a dog together and part of the reason she avoided breaking up with him and moving out of their place was because she would miss the dog.  She knew she couldn't exactly be the one to leave him and take the dog too.  After their relationship ended, she missed the dog way more than the boyfriend.  I once helped a friend move out of a boyfriend's apartment and she was totally stoic the whole time, until his cat looked at her with its big cat eyes and she burst into tears.  I also know couples who have shared custody of their pets after their relationship came to an end.  I'm guessing in most of these scenarios, the break up was as cordial as possible.  If it were me-- I'd be like "you will never see your precious dog again, asshole!"  I even know a couple who rescued a dog together, broke up, shared custody of the dog, and eventually got back together.  I like to think it was the dog that brought them back together.

So, I guess getting a pet together isn't the worst idea-- especially since you don't have to be married to know you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone.  And like everyone says, it's good training for if and when you have kids.  It sort of makes you even more terrified at the prospect of having children.  The best thing about pets-- they can't grow up to tell you they hate you and slam the door on your face.

Monday, May 14, 2012

the "what's your number" BLOW OFF


You guys know I jump for joy anytime a reader of the blog contributes a post, but it's that much more exciting when it comes from a GUY.  Enjoy this awesome post submitted by Shotataduck.  And if any of you are interested in sharing your dating stories, email us at theblowoffwtf@gmail.com:

So what’s your number? No, I’m not talking about your phone number. I’m talking about your “number”. The number of people you have had sex with.  What does this number really mean? Other than 0 = Virgin, everything else is fairly subjective, and there are plenty of equations to determine if you are on track as a healthy sexual being. For example- Take your age and divide it by two. Or, one for every year you’ve been sexually active. Or, as long as you don’t have any diseases you’re fine. Or, as long as you can remember all their names you’re fine. The point is, if you look long enough anyone can find an equation to justify their own situation. That being said, your number can and should be whatever you are personally comfortable with. Whether that number be 1, 10, 50, or 100. It’s a personal choice. BUT that number might not be what your current or potential partner(s) are comfortable with.

So, when you meet a guy or a girl and you find out they’ve only had sex with two other people how do you feel? How about thirty? How about zero? For most people they’ll say something like “I’d like them to be close to mine number” so as not to come off as a hypocrite, but this is probably not the total truth. According to the Kinsey Institute, the average 35 year old man has 7 sexual partners in their lifetime. The average 35 year old woman 4. So, as far as these statistics go I’m about average for a 28 year old American man. Though, I would venture to guess that number is higher for both men and women in my neck of the woods, Los Angeles. Toss a bunch of career driven 20-40 year olds together, mix in booze, and significant long term relationships tend to give way to short trysts. I’ve been someone’s 1st, and I’ve been someone’s 40th, and I’ve been a few in-between. And, I felt a little different about each of them after learning their numbers. Were any of them deal breakers? I don’t think so, but then again this number definitely skewed my image of these girls.

Just a lil FYI. While I’m writing this from a male perspective, I personally think Men are judged by both their partners and society as much as women are. People are just less vocal about it. Also this is not about slut shaming or Manwhore shaming. I don’t care if you sleep with a 1000 people; I just won’t be one of them. Each to their own I say.

Number of Partners: 0

But when I meet someone who is a virgin, I always wonder why have you waited and why now? Is this a deal breaker, no, but I’m a little hesitant. My first girlfriend and I lost our virginity together, and frankly I’m glad that is over. Virgin sex is horrible sex, and I hope to not have to deal with that again. Seriously, not sure why any suicide bomber would want 40 virgins in heaven. Besides, the whole having to be someone’s “first” thing is sort of a heavy weight that I’d rather not have to carry again. It’s too symbolic. No matter how many people someone sleeps with they’ll always remember their first.

Number of Partners: 1-10
I’m guessing you’ve been in a few long term relationships, and maybe had one or two short ones too. Some of this depends on age. When I meet a girl with this number I’m pretty comfortable. She has some experience, but the whole act still feels special. This feels average to me. And average is good.

Number of Partners: 10-20

Other than my first girlfriend, every girl I’ve been with since has been with far more partners than me. Frankly, this is always a little intimidating and off-putting. I don’t want to say it and I don’t know how to clearly express why, but when I’m with someone and I find out they’ve been with 16 or 17 guys it makes putting them into the long-term girlfriend category a lot harder. Especially when I know some of the other guys. It’s a gut reaction, and I always have to sort of give myself the “Chasing Amy” talk if I’m really into the girl.

Number of Partners: 20+
Again, I always wonder why do you sleep with so many people and what is it you’re actually looking for? Is it the sex or is the sex just a filler for something else. Sex is complicated and satisfies a lot of different things for different people. Sex because you like sex is fine. Sex because you need to fill some void in your life isn’t as much so.

I was someone’s 40th, and even though we knew each other very well, it still felt very impersonal. It felt closer to masturbating than having sex with another person. Good sex is about give and take. One night stands are all about taking what you can from someone. At the time it was kind of what I was looking for, no strings attached sex, but it was ultimately unsatisfying. The constant thought that I was being compared to all of her previous partners was unnerving, and I felt more like a replaceable part than a person. This effect was even more so because I personally knew some of her previous partners. The whole eskimo brothers thing is sort of lost on me.   In her case, it was pretty obvious to me why she'd had so many sexual partners. She had an intense fear of being alone coupled with an equally intense fear of commitment. This led to an endless cycle of short relationships and one night stands.  Everyone with a high number seems to say “because I like sex”, but I don’t always buy that.  So anyway, being someone’s 40th wasn’t pleasant either.

One of my girlfriends number was at least three times as many as mine. But the big difference was I didn’t know any of them. They were just numbers,  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, …. And that made all the difference. It wasn’t personal.  We ended up dating for some time, and those numbers disappeared, and there was just me and her. So what is my perfect number for the girl I’m with? Something close to mine. I know I know, it’s a cop-out, but  what I’ve learned over the years is that even if your number is higher or lower than mine, I’d rather not know, and I don’t think I need to know.  Nothing good can come from knowing. People say that truth and honesty are the most important things in a relationship, but sometimes discretion is more valuable that complete honesty.  I know you’ve been with other guys, I know you’ve loved other guys, but all I need to know is that I’m the only one that matters right now.  Right now, it's just you and me.

Friday, May 11, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: A Case of You by Joni Mitchell




Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
I'd still be on my feet
-Joni Mitchell, 1971

Thursday, May 10, 2012

True Dat


The Twice-Baked Blow Off

My first serious relationship started when I was a freshman in college. He was my first real boyfriend, my first “time", and my first love. I met him when our dorm had a fire alarm in the middle of a hurricane and he shared his umbrella with me. I immediately went into “make him my boyfriend” mode and a month later, we were an adorable item. We dated throughout my freshman year and then at the beginning of the summer, he called to break up with me. I was totally shocked and not at all pleased that he waited until he was safe at home in another city to make the call. My 19-year-old heart was crushed but I was also very adamant that he was wrong. Yes, we were broken up but I had a feeling we weren’t over.

So, throughout the summer, I let it be… we would IM every now and then but nothing serious. I didn’t call him or initiate contact and when we got back to school for the fall, I waited. For about half an hour. That’s how long before he called me to ask me to come over and see his new dorm room. So I smugly swaggered across campus, Harry Potter Chess Set in hand (yea, yea, I was a nerd back then too) and that night he said “I don’t think I can handle watching you be with anyone else” to which I responded “well, you don’t really get a choice.” BAM. I was so proud of myself. Inside, I was, like, jumping up and down but I managed to play it cool. By the end of the night, we were back together again. However, I wasn’t about to just throw myself back in. I held out on sex for a while, citing that I needed to trust him again. He was super patient and amazing and about 3 weeks into that, my mother called me and said “Claire, I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself, but you’re not just punishing him, you’re punishing yourself. Now go have sex already!” And, because my mother knows best, I did! And we lived happily ever…

OK we were together for another year of school until the NEXT summer when he got to his hometown and immediately called to break up with me. I was all “you are such a one-trick pony!” Actually, I was more like “I need my mom and I need her to bring 10 milkshakes when she comes.” I was DEVASTATED. I cried and cried and cried. I drove around my campus listening to break up songs, singing, driving and crying all at once. I feel bad for anyone who may have looked over at me while stopped at a red light. I was NOT cute. Then, one night I was on the phone with a friend, crying a bit over the breakup, and I started to feel sick to my stomach. I couldn’t help it and I just puked everywhere in my car (don’t worry, I drove an Element so it wiped down right away). The throwing up came out of nowhere and I didn’t even tell the person I was talking to I had done it. They just kept on talking while I sat in disbelief. After that, though, I didn’t cry once over that guy. It was like my body’s way of just rejecting all that negativity.

So, did I let him break my heart once? Yea. Did I let him break my heart a SECOND time? Oh, totally. But I do not regret ONE second of our relationship. We’re still, more or less, friends to this day (although it took a while to get there). He’ll always have a special place in my heart and I learned a LOT from being dumped by him… twice. And this is why I never fault a girl (or guy) for jumping back into a relationship with the person that blew them off. Sometimes, you just have unfinished business!