Friday, June 29, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush

Before there was Tori Amos or Fiona Apple...there was Kate Bush.  She's so freaking weird, I love it.

Oh it gets dark, it gets lonely
On the other side from you
I pine alot, I find the lot
Falls through without you
I'm coming back love, cruel Heathcliff
My one dream, my only master

Too long I roam in the night
I'm coming back to his side to put it right
I'm coming home to wuthering, wuthering
Wuthering Heights
-Kate Bush, 1978

Thursday, June 28, 2012

why do people get married young?!

When you reach your thirties, there are a variety of things that make you realize you're officially old. For instance, you get super hung over after two glasses of wine and you spend Friday nights falling asleep on the couch right before Bill Maher gets to New Rules. The other thing that happens is that when you hear about nineteen year olds getting engaged, this is your reaction:


I haven't commented on the whole Miley Cyrus/Liam Hemsworth engagement since it happened last week, because I needed a little more time to gather my thoughts about it. And now that I have, I can describe it in one word: RIDONKULOUS.

Here's the deal. My mom got married when she was nineteen. But that was 1974 in Iran. And as much as she loves my dad, I know if she could go back and do it all over again with the same result, she would have wanted the opportunity to go on dates and have boyfriends and get married a little later in life.  I got married when I was thirty and I know in most parts of the country (AKA red states) that's considered super old.  The average marrying age for women in the US is somewhere around 26.5. So, assuming Miley takes about a year to plan her wedding, she'll still be more than six years below the average.  Chances are, she'll be divorced before she hits 26.  Did she learn nothing from Avril Lavigne and Derek whatever from Sum 41?

I realize that Liam Hemsworth is smoking hot and that if a girl is dating a super hot guy, she might be more inclined to marry him.  But I also have it on good authority from girls that went to UCLA with my brother that they ran into Liam in Westwood a couple years ago when he was still dating Miley and he made out with one of them.  So, he's kind of a cheater.  I'm actually extremely confused as to why he proposed.  He's getting pretty famous in his own right.  He could marry anyone. He could choose not to have Billy Ray Cyrus as a father-in-law.

But enough about Miley and Liam.  Truth be told, these beeotches have more money than God, have travelled all over the world, and basically the most exciting thing that they haven't done yet is get married and have their wedding picture on the cover of People Magazine.  BUT what about the normal non-famous people who get married in their late teens or early twenties?  Here's my theory: I think most of them are the religious types that decide they are going to wait 'til they get married to have sex.  Which basically means they end up getting married way younger than all of us more reasonable people that were having sex all along-- just so they can finally bone.  By the time they reach their thirties, they're bored and wishing they slept with more people.  That's pretty much why Jessica Simpson divorced Nick Lachey.  Crap!  All roads lead back to celebrities.

Anyway, I just feel like it's a bad idea to get married before the age of 28 in the 21st century.  Any younger and you don't really know who you are yet.  But maybe I'm wrong here.   A friend of mine is thirty-five and in a serious relationship and she was recently saying that when you already know yourself so well, it can make it harder to fit someone into your life.  I guess sometimes knowing what you like and what you don't like can make you less malleable to what someone else wants out of life.   But, personally, I think the mid-thirties is a good age to meet the one.  After all, we are all living longer and longer.  Back in the day, when you married someone you only thought it would be for like twenty years cause everyone was dead by their 40s.  Are Miley and Liam really ready to spend the next seventy years together?  I'll be stunned if they make it to three years.

Do you think when Liam proposed to Miley, instead of saying yes she actually nodded her head like "yeah", moved her hips like "yeah"?  I do.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Nora Ephron: 1941-2012

Some celebrity deaths hit us harder than others. And this one's hit me hard. I write about it on the BLOW OFF, because Nora Ephron was the female pioneer when it came to writing about relationships: falling in love and falling out of love. I've written blog posts about my break ups, when Ephron learned her husband (Carl Bernstein) was having an affair with their friend, she wrote a novel about it. Then a screenplay. That story turned into the movie Heartburn.

The most famous film she wrote was arguably When Harry Met Sally which coincidentally inspired yesterday's post. Everyone knows the scene in the deli. Everyone knows lines like "I'll have what she's having." Everyone knows the age old question the movie asked-- can men and women be friends? The movie will most likely go down in history as the best romantic-comedy ever.

In an industry that's dominated by men, Nora Ephron managed to be one of the most successful screenwriters and filmmakers. And when she faced challenges like finding studio friendly male directors to make her films, she decided to direct them herself. She was our answer to Woody Allen. As a writer, she was honest, but she was also really, really funny. I'd heard her say in interviews that she hated Women in Film panels. Sure, they're a little absurd, but maybe she never realized all the aspiring female writers, actors, directors, etc sitting in the audience that were inspired to keep trying because of her.

I got to hear her speak once at the Women's Conference in Long Beach. She was just starting work on Julie & Julia. I loved how confident and comfortable and witty she was. And I loved that she credited the advent of hair dye for keeping women young. She was the quintessential New Yorker in every way and was the kind of grown up I fantasize about being someday. Wise, cultured, full of stories, but still self-deprecating and authentic.

It's kind of funny to think Nora Ephron never had daughters. But I guess she didn't need them. We were all kind of her daughters in a way. She told us we were smart and beautiful and funny. And she told us everything was going to be okay. We'd get the guy we loved or the career we always dreamed of. And we'd be happy. At least we will always have her movies and books and plays to remind us of that.

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

Here's the plan everyone.  Let's all get together, make some picket signs, and carpool it over to ABC to protest this season of The Bachelorette.  Here's the top five reasons why we need to mobilize:

5.  Little Ricki would want us to.
4.  Chris Harrison is working way too hard this season.  Those Chinese children in the iPad factories have nothing on him.
3.  Emily is effing boring.  Or she's just over-botoxed. The jury's out.
2.  Jef is gay.
1.  To demand to see the Arie/Emily/Producer Cassie footage.

Okay, so now that we have that out of the way, let's get on with the recap.  The episode begins in Prague where I finally get my wish!  No more shots of Emily showing Little Ricki around!  We finally get those awesome pensive "who should I allow to invade my vagina" scenes.  Emily opens a window.  Emily goes for a stroll.  Emily uses the word Y'all way too much.

The guys arrive and meet up with Chris Harrison so he can explain the rules of the game for the gazzillionth time.  In a crazy turn of events, I actually needed a refresher on the rules at this stage in the season.  Emily will have three one on one dates and one group date.  There will be no roses given out on the one on one dates, but there will be a rose on the group date.  Bam.

Arie gets the first one on one date card which puts Bobble-headed Chris into a tailspin.  Ugh.  Chris.  Pull it together!  I put you down as the final winner in my bracket.  I know you'll never make it that far, but can you at least make it to the hometown dates?!  The crazy insecure guys always get sent home.

Arie and Emily go out on what feels like their tenth one on one date.  Guys, I still can't decide if Arie is hot.  Sometimes I think he is, but sometimes I think he could also play Balki in a remake of Perfect Strangers.  Anyway, they walk around Prague, talk about how pretty it is, and drink hot wine.  And here I thought Ali Fedoweirdlastname was a drunk, but Emily is boozing it up a lot this season.   These two will not stop making out.  They are totally that annoying couple that you'd never want to be stuck hanging out with.   It's just you and them at dinner and yet they think it's totally appropriate to whisper to each other and make out the whole time.  Little Ricki will have none of this!

We learn that Emily has some info about Arie that he hasn't been upfront about.  Emily's pissed off about this, but do you know who's really pissed off about it?  Chris Harrison.  Because he has to stand in front of the bachelor house and explain the whole sitch to us.  This is like one extra hour of work for him.  Please tell me the man gets paid overtime.  Arie used to date one of the producers of the show.  BUT how many times did Harrison have to say "very briefly."  Like how brief is brief?  They went out on one five minute date together?  They sat across from each other in speed dating?  They had a one night stand, but it was just the tip so it didn't really count?   Anyway, the producers name is Cassie Lambert and I want to beat her up, because I hold her solely responsible for how boring this show is.

Emily decides that she needs to confront Arie about not telling her the truth, she drops a couple F bombs while discussing the whole thing with Cassie, and then she begins to talk to Arie about how important honesty and loyalty are.  We get about forty minutes of build to the big confrontation...only to be told by fucking Harrison that "unfortunately" it took place OFF CAMERA.

THE FUCK?!?!?!

Are you really trying to tell me there was no cameras on for this conversation?  Effing Queen Hood Rat.  I swear to God, if Emily told ABC to bomb Disneyland, they would do it.  They are bending over backwards for this woman-- cause you know she didn't want to confront Arie on camera.  Do they not realize how boring the show has been this season?  Do we not deserve some excitement?  My theory is that Arie wins the whole show and the producers didn't want any sort of scandal to surround him and Emily.  They were never going to mention this on the show-- otherwise, why wouldn't they have promoted the shit out of it on the clips for the upcoming season??  But Us Weekly is smarter than them and once it got on the internet, they knew they had to address it.   But stupid Us Weekly made it sound like she kicked him off the show the second she found out the truth.  Wrong.  Big Ricky ressurrected for the win, y'all.

That night, Arie and Hood Rat have dinner and he says "I love you" to her.  Let's just think about this for a second.  If this was the real world, Arie basically told Emily that he loves her after their second date.  Doesn't Emily realize that there's no way in hell he could be in love with her this fast?  The man is lying.

Oh, side note.  We also find out that Arie had a chick's name tattooed on him, but he had it covered up. You know what would be SO awesome?  If after proposing to Emily, he tore his suit open and there was a picture of Little Ricki tattooed on his chest.  Awww.  Sigh.

The next one on one date goes to "the wolf" AKA John, AKA how the hell is this guy still on the show?!   I'm super disappointed in John's outfit for his date with West Virginia.  He's wearing a button down shirt with some stupid zippy sweater thing over it with a pair of dockers.  Is this guy from the mid-west?   Get some cooler clothes, wolf-man.  We are forced to sit through another excruciating date where Emily and the big bad wolf walk around Prague and she pretends she knows words like "communism" and "music."  It's seriously laughable to watch her discuss anything other than being a single mom, being a hood rat, and Brad Womack.  They paint a boat on the John Lennon wall in honor of Bermuda, because that's where the wolf probably managed to get laid on the side while waiting for his two on one date with Nate-Dogg.

Thank God the wolf changed his outfit for dinner.  He looks much better.  He finally decides to open up to Emily about his past relationships and we learn that the last girl he really loved cheated on him---wait for it-- with "this doctor dude."  The nerve!  How could she cheat on him with a doctor dude?!  I feel kind of bad for Teen Wolf part three, but didn't he tell Em's schlubby mom friends that he's cheated on a girlfriend before?  Or was that Alessandrio who cheated on his cousin?  John keeps telling Emily that she's going to love his family.  Apparently, he's from a town called Forks in Washington and his arch nemesis is this guy named Edward and his parents are Native American werewolves.  It's also kind of weird that John applies the starter/closer analogy to his relationship with Hood Rat.  This is kind of gross, but all I can picture is Em having sex with Jef with her eyes closed and then half way he slips out so John can come in and close.  Am I perverted?

The Wolf returns from his date and brags to all the guys about how great it went.  Chris's penis literally falls off his body and shatters into a million little pieces.  Sean decides that he's going to run all over Prague until he finds Emily.  Wait, what?!   Why is this happening?  When Arie wanted to go sneak up to Em's room in Croatia, he didn't have to run all over the country 'til he found her.  The producers just took him straight there.  But then again, the reincarnation of Big Ricky does deserve to get special treatment. We, however, are forced to watch some really embarrassing and stupid scenes of Sean running around town yelling "EMILY!!!!" and then he turns the corner in some alley way and she's just standing there doing NOTHING.  She's literally not even walking.  She's just standing there, uh, obviously waiting for him per orders from Cassie the slutty producer.  I still feel like every time Sean talks to Emily his voice is gonna crack and that the reason he turns red is that he's trying really hard not to come in his pants.  He's like an Emily uber-fan.  But they still end up having a giant make out session against a wall where Sean continues to have a major love affair with Emily's upper lip.

Group date time.  Personally, I'm pretty pissed that I have to sit through another one on one date between Emily and Gay McFly.  Just when I thought this season couldn't get worse!  Also, poor Doug the Dad didn't get a single one on one date ALL SEASON.  Anyway, it's raining and Doug, Chris, and Sean go to hang out with Emily in a castle.  WTF.  Castles are the new helicopters this season.  If I have to see another castle again, I'm going to...probably do nothing and continue to write these recaps.

Let's jump to the most awkward part of this terrible group date.  After having yet another really uncomfortable conversation with Daddy Daycare Doug, Queen Em decides that she can no longer stomach him.  So, here's the deal.  Doug is definitely a little douchey, but he seems pretty nice.  And you have to kind of feel bad for him.  He's 33 and has an 11 year old.  That means he was 22 when he became a dad.  And he basically has the game of a 16 year old.  He didn't kiss Emily at all this season, but when it was totally obvious that she was about to dump him-- he went in for the kiss.  CRINGE!   I was so embarrassed for the poor guy.  Daddy Dougie should have seen the writing on the wall big time.  And if he wanted to make women all across America swoon, here's how he should have played it: Doug should have dumped Emily.  Seriously.  He should have told her that he's respectfully taking himself out of the running, because even though he really likes her, they haven't gotten to know each other well enough for him to introduce her to his son.  We're talking next bachelor potential right there.

But news flash to all the Bachelor/Bachelorettes out there.  You're not actually being a nice person by not making someone wait 'til the rose ceremony to get dumped.  That's where it's acceptable to get dumped.  When you give them the boot in the middle of the date, it's like saying you don't want to be around them for a second longer than you have to.  I'm not gonna feel too bad for Doug though.  I'm pretty sure he's going to find love on The Bachelor Pad.  And if I had to pick a girl for him, it would be that chick from Ben F's season who raised her siblings and tried to give Ben step by step kissing lessons.  She and Doug would be perfect together!

So, Doug leaves and cries about it, and then we're left with a really awkward two on one date between Sean and Chris.  I'm so ashamed that I picked Chris as the winner of the show.  He's starting to get all weird and panicky.  It's not hot.  Get a grip, Christopher!  Needless to say, Sean gets the rose on the  date and Chris looks like he wishes he had a gun so he could shoot them both in the face.

Next, Emily gets to hang out with her gay best friend.  Oops.  What I meant to say is that she has a one on one date with Jef.  They do what every straight man in Prague dreams of: shopping for marionettes.  He does manage to impress Emily by going back in the store to buy Little Ricki a doll too, but I'm pretty sure the only reason he does that is because he knows Little Ricki means business and that she has way better gaydar than her mom and Jef needs to get on her good side if he's going to convince her to let him stay on the down low.

Okay.  I'm not making this shit up.  After they buy the marionettes, they go to this really pretty library and do a little puppet show reenactment of all their conversations on the show.  I believe Jef says "I love you" to Emily for the first time via puppet.  He also tells her he really likes her nail polish.  Um.  I get a pedicure every two weeks and I don't think my husband has ever complimented the color of my toe nail polish or even noticed it, except for once when it was bright pink and he said it looked trashy.

MCFLY: YOU ARE GAY.  It's okay.  We promise.  Come out of the closet.  It gets better!  Did you guys catch in the interview when he says "I'm crazy about a girl."  He's as shocked by this whole thing as we are.  I've got a theory on Jef though.  I'm pretty sure he was sent on the show by one of those reprogramming camps where they try and turn you straight.  And that they're going to make a recruitment video out of all this footage.  I mean, remember when he tells Em that his parents won't be able to meet her because they are in South Carolina committed to some stuff???  I bet they run the conversion camp!  In all seriousness, it's super shady that his parents can't meet Emily.  It's not like they're in Antarctica.  They're in South Carolina.  Em lives in North Carolina.  The show can go to them if need be.  What's the deal?  You can't exactly agree to marry a guy without meeting his parents and making sure they aren't crazy.  I mean, those people are going to be Little Ricki's step-grandparents.

Then Jef says something about how he doesn't want to live together before getting married.  Basically, he wants to spend as little time with her as possible so he can stay gay longer.  Where is Cassie the producer when you need her?  Is everyone behind the scenes just completely horrified and bewildered by Jef-ily?

As though this library make out session couldn't get any worse, McFly turns to Emily and says:
"I want to date you so hard and marry the fuck out of you."  I had to rewind it like three times.  What is happening?  I have a theory about all this.  I think Chris Harrison has been the Ryan Gosling to Jef's Steve Carrell but he's giving him all the wrong advice on purpose (compliment her nail polish, don't kiss her, wear knee socks with shorts, say things like "i want to date you so hard and marry the fuck out of you.")  The bizarre thing is, Emily is totally falling for it.

Rose ceremony time.  FINALLY.  Chris feels like an A-hole for nearly murdering Emily after she gave Sean the group date rose and he's dying to talk to her before she hands out roses.  BUT, Emily know exactly what she wants to do and in a shocking and gutsy move, she decides she wants to skip straight to the rose ceremony.  Chris Harrison's reaction is priceless.  He looks like someone just told him he has Chlamydia.  I think what's really going on here is that Emily caught sight of her reflection and realized she was wearing the world's most hideous and unflattering bright blue glittery gown and she desperately wanted to limit its screen time.  I have a pretty good feeling at this point that Chris is going to manage to snag a hometown rose, because The Wolf is just way too overly confident.  Nine times out of ten, when a guy says he's confident he's going to get a rose, he's automatically disqualified.  But before Hood Rat can hand out the last rose, she says y'all about a thousand times and then Chris asks her if he can talk to her.  He takes her aside and basically apologizes for acting like a two year old and promises he will give her oral sex everyday for the rest of her life if she agrees to meet his parents.  They head back to the rose ceremony and Chris gets the rose.  The wolf is sent packing, but not before he gets a hug from gay McFly who says "i love you" to him.  I'm not kidding.  Chris looks like he's going to faint, he's so darn happy.

Sadly, I think next week's show is going to be a boring mess, because all we see in the episode preview are out of focus shots of Emily with all four guys, followed by her crying to Chris Harrison about sending someone home.  LAME.   I wish I could go back and change my bracket, but unless someone's family is straight out of leather face's in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, then I'm pretty sure our final 3 are Jef, Arie, and Sean.  What do you guys think?  Comment below.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

the "I don't want to ruin our friendship" BLOW OFF

I'm a big believer in the Nora Ephron theory: a straight woman and a straight man cannot be friends without one of them secretly being in love with the other person (See When Harry Met Sally).  Mostly, I believe this, because I've had too many female friends over the years who have been harboring a secret passion for their best dude friend.  Word to the wise: it never pans out the way you want it to.

For the straight guys, the arrangement was usually kind of perfect.  Their best female friend was there to boost their ego the same way a real life girlfriend would.  She'd be there to plan his birthday parties or buy him sentimental gifts.  She'd show up when his band was having a gig.  She'd help him move and have dinner with him and his parents if he needed a buffer.  She'd go on trips with him.  She was the perfect plus one for weddings and bar-mitzvahs.  And if he accidentally had sex with her, but just wasn't into her enough to seal the relationship deal: there was always the "I don't want to ruin our friendship" excuse.

The falling in love with your friend scenario is really only good for people who want to torment themselves.  I had a friend who was madly, obsessively, in love with a guy she met in college.  He knew she had feelings for him, but considered her more of a little sister type.  But she was patient.  Really, really, really patient.  And after pining for him for years, he finally gave in.  Even though they actually dated for awhile, the dynamic was always dysfunctional.  He had all the power in the relationship, because she had been in love with him for so much longer.  She was always petrified that he'd end things with her that she spent most of the time they were together being an insecure mess.

I've been in love with my boy-friends on a few different occasions.  There was the guy senior year in high school who I had a huge crush on even though he asked a tall freshman to winter formal.  Even though we were "just friends" he still did things like ask me to save him a dance and then engage me in one of those super flirty tickle fights at the after party.  I thought it was his way of confessing his love, but when we went back to school on Monday, I found out his freshman date was now officially his girlfriend.  Then there was my sister's best friend's younger brother (you follow) who I had on again/off again feelings from the time I was twelve.  We made out once in college and when I woke up the next morning, he had moved from the bed to the floor.  I got the message loud and clear.  It was almost ten years later after my sister's wedding that he told me he wanted to be more than friends.  It was too late, I was already with the guy I'd marry.

So, readers: what do you think?  Is the whole platonic friends thing a total crock?  Do you have any success stories you'd like to share of ending up with the person you were supposedly just friends with?  Here's at least one we've heard of.  Are you for reals 100%-- he's not in love with you, you're not in love with him, friends with someone of the opposite sex?  Oh, and also-- what about for the gay peeps out there?  I was just at a gay friend's bday party that was filled with all of his hot gay friends.  How are they not all in love with each other?! Someone please explain all this to me in the comments section below!

Also, ask yourself if you're secretly hoping your best male friend breaks this out at a karaoke bar, while staring at you the entire time he's singing it.

Monday, June 25, 2012

the weekday boy BLOW OFF

I was having lunch last week with one of my favorite friends I've made since living in LA and while we were discussing different "industry folks", we kept looking over our shoulder, just to make sure the people we were gossiping about weren't sitting right behind us. Do you guys ever do this? I'm kind of the queen of it. I could be talking about John Quincy Adams and I'd check behind my shoulder to make sure his ghost wasn't chilling at the same diner as me.

I always feel a little bit neurotic and paranoid when I do the left shoulder/right shoulder peek, but the friend I was with told me an amazing BLOW OFF story of when she suffered a major OH (overheard).

She was living in the Bay Area at the time and she had been dating a guy for about a month. She was really into him. He was super hot, exciting, and rich enough to drive a vintage porsche. BUT...there was one minor red flag. He seemed to only have time to hang out during the weekdays. CUT TO:

She's at a sushi restaurant with one of her close friends and she spends a good portion of the meal discussing her new man and how much she likes him. She obviously uses his name in the conversation, describes what he looks like, what he does for a living, the kind of car he drives, etc. You know, all the general stuff we'd divulge to our friends. CUT TO:

The next day. Vintage Porsche man calls her to say they can't see each other anymore. When she asks him why, he reveals--- get this--- that she was sitting next to his *GIRLFRIEND'S* best friend at dinner the previous night and she overheard her gushing about him.

This was the first she learned about the girlfriend, but it sort of explained his weekend absences. And seriously, what are the chances that she'd be sitting next to the GF's BF?! I guess even if she had looked over her shoulder she'd never know. In the end, I suppose the overheard was a blessing, because it prevented her from investing more weekdays in a guy that was already spoken for. And the good news is, she's now married to a great guy and they have the happiest most beautiful baby girl. Let this be a lesson to us all. A dude that only wants to hang out Monday through Thursday is bad news.

Friday, June 22, 2012

R.I.P. Johnny Depp & Vanessa Paradis

I know I'm super late to the party on this one as it's been more than 48 hours since Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis announced their split, but for some reason, this break up left me uninspired.  Don't get me wrong.  It's sad.  They were together for fourteen years which is basically 325 hollywood years.  But I guess I'm just not one of those people that's obsessed with Depp.  I haven't seen any of the Pirates movies.  His hotness quotient just isn't what it used to be back in the Benny & June/What's Eating Gilbert Grape days.  Plus, his fashion sense hasn't evolved since 1993.  Yes, I know.  These are all extremely superficial reasons to not care about his marriage breaking up. 

I think what I'm really hoping for is a Winona Ryder/Johnny Depp reunion.  They were the Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart of my generation, except way cooler.  Then Johnny could change his Wino Forever tattoo back to Winona Forever.  And he could help resurrect Winona's career.  Giving her the last laugh against Gwyneth Paltrow.

Here's how I think this should go down.  Tim Burton should decide to do an Edward Scissorhands sequel, bringing the former lovebirds back together.  In the plot of the follow up film, Edward and Kim will be celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary, but we'll discover that Edward's going through this crazy mid-life crisis.  Of course, by the end of the movie, they'll remember why they fell in love in the first place and get back together.  Oh, and in this version, Winona Ryder won't have that terrible blonde hair.  Somewhere in the second act, Edward will enter a rock, paper, scissor competition, but will of course lose because all his opponents keep doing rock.

Is anyone from FOX reading this?  Can you please make this happen ASAP?  Also, I see an Olivier Martinez rebound in Vanessa's future.   

BLOW OFF song of the day: A Letter to Elise by The Cure

My all time favorite Cure song.

and every time i try to pick it up
like falling sand
as fast as i pick it up
it runs away through my clutching hands
but there's nothing else i can really do
there's nothing else
i can really do
at all...
-The Cure, 1992

Thursday, June 21, 2012

the BLOW OFF and the 5 stages of grief

One of the best pieces of wisdom I’ve ever received from my mother is this: “when you break up with someone, it’s like they’ve died.” What she means is – the loss of a significant other to a breakup is so often like the death of a loved one. You see your boyfriend, etc every day in many cases and then suddenly… they’re not there. I’m a huge advocate of the clean break, but with the clean break comes a very sudden loss. I know I’m not the first to make the realization that the stages of grief in a breakup are similar to the stages of grief in death but after posing my theory to my therapist, I thought I’d bring it here to The Blow Off!

The “Five Stages of Grief” are also known as the Kubler-Ross model after the doctor who first introduced them as a hypothesis in the 60s. While working with terminally ill patients, Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross realized that many patients and family members went through a cycle of stages associated with death. The stages, which everyone experiences differently and often in different orders, are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Let’s work it out based on me (and somewhat on my therapist’s reactions to me)…

Denial – After my most recent break-up, I went through a few weeks of being surprisingly fine. I even told my therapist that I was shocked by how well I was doing. He was skeptical but went along with it, perhaps confident that he would be seeing me every other week for the rest of my life anyway. I went about my normal life, really proud of myself and how much of a strong independent woman I was! See – I’m fine! I can go to the movies by myself! I can join OKCupid! I AM TOTALLY HAPPY! And then…

Anger - I got angry. You can partially witness this anger here.  Who the hell does he think he is? Well I’ll tell him who he is! He’s a coward! And selfish! And not even that good-looking! AND HE SMOKES! But seriously, I didn’t realize I was angry until my therapist read my blog post and said “I sense a lot of anger here.” It took a minute for me to accept that I was angry. After spending a few weeks so confident and happy while being in the denial stage, I didn’t want to admit that this boy was making me FEEL something. How could he break my heart? And I wasn’t just angry at him – I was angry at myself. Why didn’t I see this coming? Why did I let myself trust him? How did I LET him break MY heart?

Bargaining – Now, this is my favorite stage of grief – if that’s possible – because it’s really the saddest and most vulnerable and most real to me. And I’m convinced it actually worked for me once. I didn’t go through bargaining in my last break-up so I’m going to go all the way back to my college relationship break-up (read about it here). After this guy dumped me the first time, I was DISTRAUGHT. It was my first real love and so my first real breakup. I spent an entire summer bargaining. This mostly involved me doing silent rituals that I believed would induce fate into bringing us back together. I would tell myself if I didn’t eat, he would feel bad for me and realize he loved me and come back to me. I also told myself that by IMing me every day, he was telling me he still wanted to be with me. My favorite bargaining tool was wishing on 11:11 (twice a day) that he would come back to me. And he did. Come back to me, that is. Ever since then, I’ve been convinced wishing on 11:11 is a real, viable option when I want something.

Depression – If bargaining is my favorite stage, depression is my least favorite. Mostly because it generally involves letting other people know that I have feelings and I’m capable of crying… like, a lot. In this stage, the sadness really does come when you least expect it. I think it’s important to cry as much as you need to. Don’t hold it in. I’ve done a fair amount of just driving around and crying. A lot of conversations with my mom have started with her asking how I am, me replying that I’m good and then immediately bursting into tears. In fact, my mom often answers the phone “are you going to cry?” She’s not being mean, she just wants to know whether she should pour herself a drink or not.

Acceptance – So I’m somewhere between depression and acceptance right now. I am very, very aware that my last boyfriend and I are not getting back together and I also don’t want to. I still miss him and I miss our relationship terribly but I’ve also accepted that we are over and I’m better off – both for our relationship and for the fact that it’s done. I think this is the part of the break up that too many people skip over. Not only should we accept that the previous relationship is over but it can be a good idea to have some time as a single person before finding the next relationship. After a relationship, you need to remind yourself who YOU are as an I and not a We.

Losing someone to a break up really is like losing someone to death. The sadness comes in waves. Some memories are good and some memories send you to your knees. You don’t get to pick which memories come and you don’t get to pick when they come. Just when you think you’re good, just when you think you’re over it… you’re reminded of the person you lost by something as simple as seeing a TV show on your DVR or someone suggesting a restaurant the two of you ate at often. With relationships, you usually don’t completely get over someone until you’re with someone new. And just like with death – it gets easier with time. Some day you’ll wake up and realize the person that consumed most of your waking thoughts hasn’t been on your mind in days, weeks, months.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 6

Sometimes I feel like Emily Maynard is my own bad karma.  Like after all the posts where I made fun of Ali "raised by wolves" Fedotowsky and Ashley "Perfackt Cupcake" Hebert...this is what I get.  I never realized just how good we had it, people.

Ali was less blonde, wore converse, and drove cars.  Ashley kept Vaseline by her bedside, cried a lot, and had her own weird doggy voice.  They were fun and interesting and pretty much the coolest women in the world compared to West Virginia Hood Rat.  Damn.  I miss those girls!

Anyway, this incredibly boring season of The Bachelorette continues in Croatia.  Which, if you haven't heard is the new cool place to go to these days.  The episode already starts off on a bad foot when we learn that Emily has sent Little Ricki packing.  Yup, it's true.  Ricki had to head back to North Carolina so that mommy could stay focused on whoring herself out to the remaining eight guys.  I wonder how that all went down.  Do you think Little Ricki demanded to fly first class?  Do you think she has the goods on Chris Harrison and has been black mailing him the whole time?  Do you think she's currently meeting with lawyers to have herself emancipated from her mother?

OH MY GOD.  Do you think Little Ricki will be the next bachelorette?!?!?

The guys arrive in Croatia and they're totally shocked to see how gorgeous it is.  They assumed it was ravaged and war-torn.  Who am I kidding?  They've never heard of Croatia.  Except for Jef, because he's hip to the gay night life.  Travis probably thought it was the birthplace of Borat.  Arie had to explain to Travis that Borat isn't a real person.  Doug had to tell them all to shut up, because they don't know what it's like to have a kid.  And the Wolf, well-- the wolf just hung back and laughed to himself.

Side note, the most interesting factoid that came out of tonight's episode is that Ryan Roids plucks the hair on his knuckles.

Apparently, Chris Harrison was stuck in London getting his stomach pumped after he accidentally took ten Quaaludes and drank two bottles of Wild Turkey, because Emily arrived to the guys' hotel room to present the first date card.  She gives it to Travis.

Sadly, I have no idea what a date card is, because Chris Harrison isn't doing his job and isn't here to explain it to me.  But, if I did know what a one on one date was, I'd say that I'd have a bad feeling Travis is going to be sent home.  Everyone knows if you get your first one on one date this late into the season, that means you're getting the boot.

Travis and Emily walk around Croatia, eat ice cream, and try to climb some love wall.  Honestly, the details are all hazy, because I was plucking my knuckle hairs while watching.  We haven't really seen much of Travis, but he's the guy that brought Shelly the Ostrich egg along for the ride.  Em forced him to break the egg, because there was no way they'd get that shit through customs once they left Charlotte.    Anyway, there's something really kind of endearing and earnest about leggo my eggo.  We learn that he was engaged, but broke up with his fiancee two years ago.  I feel bad for him, because I'm pretty sure she's the one that called it off.  Poor Mississippi Burning.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives and the only thing I have to say about this is that Ryan is wearing a tank top that I used to own in 1999.  Someone please explain this to me.  I expected this from Marty McFly, but not Ryan.  I'm not even sure any of my gay friends would be caught dead in that tank top.

Travis and Emily have dinner together and as I predicted, she tells him that she can't picture herself ever fucking him and sends him home.  Honestly, they did feel a little more like siblings than 8th boyfriend and girlfriend, but poor guy didn't even get to spend an entire day in Croatia.  Also, was it just me or did Queen Emily totally look like she was about to start laughing when she sent him home?  She was doing that whole "trying not to laugh" thing where she was biting the inside of her cheek.  I swear.  Re-watch that shit.  Travis leaves, which is honestly fine, because I kept forgetting he was even still on the show.  I was really confused by the continuity on last night's show, because they have clips of Travis talking about how sad he is to be sent home, but he's wearing a totally different shirt than he was wearing when Em dumped him.  WTF?   Anyway, just when we thought Travis was a total softie and had a good heart, he throws a fucking umbrella to the ground while he's walking in the rain in Croatia.  What did the umbrella do to deserve that?  It was just protecting him from the rain.  Does that Rihanna song mean nothing to him?

Group date time.  Wait.  Allow me to rephrase that.  A long commercial for the Pixar movie Brave time.  I'm not gonna lie, I thought this integration was pretty genius.  And not just b/c I'm friends with the guy that's in charge of on-air integrations at ABC (#humblebrag).  Even though it's slightly creepy to watch grown men watching a cartoon, the clips from the movie were definitely the highlight of last night's episode.  And if I didn't think Emily was a bad mom before, well, this was a new low.  How dare she not wait to see Brave with Little Ricki?  She better be careful when she goes back to North Carolina.  Her little Chloe Handbag might conveniently drug her chardonnay and push her down their spiral staircase for this.

In honor of the movie, the guys learn they'll have to wear kilts and do some sort of Scottish competition thing which would be cool if they were in Scotland and not in Croatia.  But that's just a minor detail.  I'm pretty sure when they got the news about the kilts, jef with one f totally did a happy dance, gushed about his love for plaid, and revealed that he brought his favorite pair of knee socks along.

Chris, lover of Bobbleheads is surprisingly the worst at this little strength competition.  He totally can't shoot a bow and arrow, throw a log, or do this weird thing where he has to fight Doug for a long stick thing.  Basically, he would totally be the first to die in the Hunger Games.   I'm kind of bummed out about this, because back when Chris and Emily had to climb a building together, I was filling out my bachelorette bracket and I voted him the winner of the final rose, but now I'm not so sure.  He just doesn't look that hot in a sleeveless tank top and I really feel like Emily either wants someone who's super macho or definitely gay and Chris is neither of those things.  BUT, she takes pity on him and gives him the trophy for being the bravest.

All I can really think about during this sequence is what Ryan is doing in the hotel all by himself. Aside from definitely masturbating, injecting himself with steroids, and plucking his body hair.  Probably writing a new and improved version of the bible.

Cocktail party time!  I know everyone loves Arie, but there's something about him that bugs me.  Maybe it's that I throw up a little bit every time he and Emily make out.  Or that he has too many grey hairs for how old he is.  Or that his eyes keep getting smaller and smaller.  Or that he has an "e" at the end of his name.  I'm still hoping the big reveal will be that he's actually been possessed by the soul of big Ricky just like Whoopi Goldberg/Patrick Swayze in Ghost.

I think Sean might also be a front-runner, but every time he has a conversation with Queen Emily, he looks like he's about to prematurely ejaculate all over himself.  More importantly, I just don't understand why it doesn't occur to Emily that McFly is GAY.  Even my husband caught this part of the show and as soon as he saw Jef in his tight fitted plaid button down and skinny tie and his flock of seagulls haircut, he said he was gay.  But maybe he's not gay.  Maybe he's just Mormon.  Like, I could see Julie from Real World New Orleans being all up in his grill.  West Viriginia hood rat gives him a hard time about waiting so long to kiss her and Jef says it's because he's scared of her.  Um, yes.  Because she has boobs and a vagina.  Gay men are terrified by all of those things.  Also, one of my most reliable gay friends told me that guys who refer to their wives as "best friends" are potentially in the closet-- which is exactly what Jef said he was looking for in a wife!  Bam.  Gay!   He tells Emily he has to tell her a secret and I'm practically rolling on the floor praying to Chris L's mom and her rainbows that he'll come out of the closet, but he doesn't.  I can't remember what the secret even was.  Seriously, who cares.  But it's Chris who comes out on top on this date when he plays him trump card and tells Emily he's falling in love with her, winning him the rose.  This is great and all, but I'm still in third place in my bachelorette bracket.

Ryan and Emily have their one on one date and basically the only reason I'm rooting for him is that I unfortunately kept him on my bachelorette bracket way too long.  I'm very creeped out by his hair and weird beard, but just in an effort to bug the husband, I keep telling him that he reminds me so much of Ryan.  And even though he really doesn't, there's a part of me that LOVES Ryan.  I'm not sure why.  I think maybe because he's the kind of douchey guy Emily belongs with.  And I love that he keeps thinking the trophy wife thing is a compliment.  He has no self awareness and it's incredibly amusing and makes this show semi-watchable.  Plus, it's like he and Emily have their own stupid people banter language going.

On their date, they get on a boat and eat oysters and I instantly hate Emily, because she's a hood rat who doesn't like oysters.  At dinner, Em shows up dressed like a trophy-- we're talking gold spray paint people.  Like she looks like one of those metallic street performers at Fisherman's Wharf.  Okay, not really, but seriously-- how awesome would that have been?!   Anyway, Roid face ruins everything by breaking out his list of the top 12 things he wants in a wife-- which I can sum up in two words: HOT and SUBSERVIENT.  Em schools him and says she just wants a happy family, but not a perfect family.  Ryan then smacks her across the face and says if she doesn't care about perfection, then why does she get daily botox injections in her face.  SNAP!  just kidding, that last part was my own private fantasy.  The best part of Emily not giving Ryan the rose is that he spends an entire segment trying to talk her into keeping him around.  I have to give this guy some credit.  He's smart enough to know that if he leaves this early, there's no way he'll get to be the next bachelor.

Em actually says that Ryan is one of the most attractive men she's ever seen (say what?) and that she's not sure if she's making the right decision (omg, she's so dumb) but let's him go anyway.  Em is such a conundrum.  Sometimes I think she's really stupid, but then other times she uses smart people words like "self-deprecating."  It's so confusing.

Ryan leaves Croatia, but not before telling the producers of the Bachelor to show what a great guy he is.  Clearly, the producers HATED this guy.  Reality TV shows never like to keep in scenes of people talking about the cameras, editing, the fact that they are on a TV show, etc.  But they were willing to break their cardinal rule to humiliate Ryan just a little more before he left.

The best part about someone getting sent home on a one on one date is when that random person shows up at the hotel to take their luggage.  I mean, that random luggage person could be Al-Qaeda and we'd never know it.   The reactions of the rest of the guys are always priceless-- it's always like NO. WAY.

Then, for absolutely no reason, we get a shot of a stray cat.

Arie decides to show up at Emily's door to tell her that she made the right decision for letting Ryan go home and that he wasn't good for her.  I'm very curious as to how this works on the show.  Does the contestant approach the producers about allowing them to make a surprise visit or do they just pick one of the guys to randomly show up?  And I don't understand why Em is so grateful to Arie and makes out with him again.   Shouldn't she say "Why didn't you tell me weeks ago Ryan was a bad guy?"  Then, Unchained Melody plays and they start slow dancing and Em gives him a rose, but not really because the rose ceremony is tomorrow.  Arie tells the viewers, but not Emily, that he's totally in love with her.

I thought for sure this was the scene that Arie spilled his secret to Emily, but there's no mention of it.  Instead, in the scenes for next week's episode Chris Harrison just gives it all away.  I still won't spoil it in case you guys are hermits who don't read Us Weekly or hit refresh on every four minutes.

Rose ceremony time.  Let's cut to the chase.  Emily says that the Wolf and Daddy Doug are on the bubble.  The Wolf decides to talk about his dead grandparents in a last ditch effort to stick around.  He tells Emily that he carries around his grandparent's funeral cards in his wallet which could mean one of two things: #1 he really misses his grandparents #2 he's a hoarder.   Next, it's Doug's turn to try and convince Emily to keep him there.  Can we discuss that Doug has no game?  The man is thirty-three years old and his best move was a letter from his eleven year old son.  He hasn't even KISSED Emily.  Even Gay McFly has kissed her.  Instead, all he can do is rub his thumb against the excess skin on her waist.  Oh, and total conspiracy.  In all the interview shots where Doug discusses that he took one step backwards with Emily-- he's not wearing the same shirt that he's wearing at the cocktail party.  What the hell is that about?

In a shocking twist, Chris Harrison shows up for the first time in this episode.  He kicks off the rose ceremony, then bails.  Em gives a rose to Sean, Arie, and Jef...leaving one more rose for either Doug or The Wolf.  She suddenly leaves the rose ceremony and chases Chris Harrison down in an alley way, just before a production assistant was about to give him a blow job.  They totally try to make it look like Emily is going to get rid of both Doug and the Wolf, but then it turns out Chris Harrison has to work double time for his paycheck this week by returning to the ceremony with an extra rose.  Doug and Wolf get an extra week to prove their love and devotion to Emily.  This is sort of like how the American Idol judges get one save every season.

Whoa.  Can't wait for next week when the show travels to Prague and Chris Harrison gets to troll the red light district.  Love you Harrison.  Love you forever.  Emily, not so much.  I want to go San Jose, silicon valley, HTML, santana row on her ass.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

ex-boyfriend syndrome: an epidemic

Have you guys heard about this new disease called ex-boyfriend syndrome?  Apparently, one out of every four guys suffers from it.  If you're a male and you're reading this, you may currently be dying a slow death from the illness.  It's not easy to diagnose and it's not on web MD, but here are some signs that you may have it.


Well, there's only one.  An unexplainable urge to do something extremely nice for someone you've broken up with, but have no intention of getting back together with them, merely to confuse them and make them crazy in the process.  Note: most of these urges involve money, unexpected phone calls, and hospital waiting rooms.

Here's just a few signs that a guy you dated may be suffering from ex-boyfriend's syndrome.

*bought said ex-girlfriend a toaster oven and left it on her doorstep after she refused his offer to buy her a brand new flat screen television.

*sent her an $800 gift card to buy a bicycle, because you've always known she wants to compete in a triathlon.

*called out of the blue when visiting her hometown to ask her out to dinner or coffee.  She will automatically assume that you want to engage in a passionate night of lovemaking.  However, when you take her out to an adorable quaint romantic restaurant, you confess you are actually in a serious relationship with someone else.

*Similar to the above, but slightly different.  After a long absence, contacted her to catch up over a cup of coffee.  Revealed at coffee date that you are moving across country for a girl.

*Slightly similar to the above, but slightly different.  After a long absence, asked her out for coffee or dinner.  Slept with her after dinner.  But we're not talking sex, we're talking "made love."  You know, chock full of all the familiar moves.  You cuddle the next morning, maybe even buy her brunch.  Then tell her over the phone, days later, that she's still better off without you.
*carried her from her dorm room to your car and drove her to the hospital when she was suffering from dysentery, while Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong played from your car stereo.  (Okay, only part of this story is true).

*inexplicably commented on at least 2-4 of her Facebook photos to say she looks gorgeous. or Hot.  Or Wow.

*Showed up at her place of work (in this case, a restaurant) every weekend to show your support.  Regularly tell her how proud of you are of her.

*sent her occasional texts, usually spanning every six to eight weeks, to say things like "i messed up."  When you receive a text in return, you don't respond.  Instead, you wait another six to eight weeks to text something like "hi."

*Showed up at a bar on the lower east side at 1 am on her last night in New York, hung out with her 'til 6 am, tell her you were a total jerk to her, but still refuse to make out with her.

*Sent you a letter--- YES, snail mail, with a cute note and a mixed CD filled with love songs.

Ladies: be warned. When your ex-boyfriend starts displaying random acts of kindness or making you wonder whether he still has feelings for you-- he may just be suffering from ex-boyfriend syndrome. Other wise known as: I always want you to love me and remember me fondly, even though I'm not at all interested in you.

Do you know a guy that may be suffering from ex-boyfriend syndrome? If so, tell us his tragic story in the comments section.

Monday, June 18, 2012

something MAJOR happened to the BLOW OFF

Guys. Remember last week's post from Shira H on A Girl's Guide to Assholes? Well, it was such a hit that the BLOW OFF got an email from a big time book agent who loved the post. Now Shira's in the midst of writing a book proposal.

I'm not kidding. Didn't I say someone should give the girl a book deal?

So...stop hoarding your awesome break up stories and send them to us at You never know. The first time you contribute to the BLOW OFF could be your one giant leap towards publishing a book. What better break-up revenge is there than becoming a published author on the bestseller's list, traveling the country for book signings?

the love or money BLOW OFF

The year was 2001.  July.  Pre-9/11.  I was twenty years old and going to summer school in New York City.  I was walking home from the NYU gym one day when I met this guy walking his dog.  He was obviously older (28) and he struck up a conversation with me that ended in him asking me if I wanted to get a bite to eat-- right then and there.  It was all part of the luster of living in Manhattan...the guys were so forward and confident and it was SO different than living in Berkeley.  Even though I knew there was a possibility that he could be a serial killer and that he might kill me and feed me to his dog, I decided to take him up on his offer.  Ten minutes into our date, I realized this guy was extremely rich.

First of all, he lived in Tribeca which was not a cheap neighborhood.  Second, he was a hedge fund manager, pre-economic collapse.  He also happened to mention that David Bowie and Iman lived in his building and he drove a super fancy SUV in Manhattan.  Some girls would have fantasized about him being their husband right then and there, but I couldn't deal with it.  I just felt like we were in two very different life phases and I was also extremely turned off when he told me his favorite band was 3-11.  We had one more date after that and I never called him back.   

At the time, what a guy did for a living totally did not factor in to whether or not I wanted to date them. I was twenty and a student.  I was used to people with no money.  Also, I met the guy that would become my forever person when I was 25, so even in my post college years a guy's bank account was the last thing on my mind.  My longest relationship was with a cater-waiter.  I was way more likely to date a hot poor guy than a gross rich guy.

But, as I've gotten older-- and I might get a lot of shit for this-- I do think what a person does for a living is important.  Obviously, it's not at the top of the list of what matters, but it does have an impact on a relationship.  And full disclosure: this is coming from the girl who's had to rely on her man's salary for the last few months, during a writing dry spell.  (In my defense, the dry spell is now over and I will be making my own money again.  Phew).  Don't get me wrong: it's not necessarily the job that matters-- expenses go up, stock markets crash, people get laid off, homes get foreclosed on.  You can marry rich, but end up poor.  What matters more is being with a person who's ambitious and passionate and hard-working.  

I knew a girl who was in a relationship with a guy for several years who had almost everything she wanted.  He was kind, romantic, and totally devoted to her.  But, he was also in his 40s and hadn't had a real job in almost ten years.  She was a doctor.   She figured he would eventually get it together in terms of his career and that what he did for a living shouldn't matter to her.  But then they moved in together.  She was the one getting up every morning going to work and paying the rent, while he just sat around all day and made excuses for why he wasn't applying to jobs.  Eventually, his lack of drive permeated into other aspects of their relationship and she broke up with him.  On the flip side, I've also known guys who've avoided getting involved with women who don't know what they want to do with their lives and aren't working.   But I'm not sure all those guys would want their wives or girlfriends to make more money than them.

And on a totally different side of the spectrum, my neighbor told me a story about this couple he used to know.  The wife was extremely successful and made something like $3M/year.  Apparently, she made the husband feel like a total loser, because he made, get this-- only $1M/year.  They've since gotten divorced and his ego never recovered.  

Anyway, what do you guys think?  Does the whole money/career/job thing make it into your top five things that matter when it comes to relationships or is it the last thing on your mind?  Comment below.

Friday, June 15, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: On the Radio (Remember the Days) by Nelly Furtado

I remember the days when I was so eager to satisfy you
And be less then I was just to prove I could walk beside you
Now that I've flown away I see you've chosen to stay behind me
And still you curse the day I decided to stay true to myself.
-Nelly Furtado, 2001

Thursday, June 14, 2012

pop culture BLOW OFF of the day: Game of Thrones

How depressed are you guys that the second season of Game of Thrones ended last week? (I waited for all of you DVR peeps to write this post, because I didn't want to ruin anything). The show holds a special place in my heart, ever since the H bomb and I spent most of our honeymoon reading the series (I read book one, he read book two). He tried to force me to read the second book as well, but what's the point of reading a 1,000 pages when HBO has done such an awesome job adapting the books into a TV show? Game of Thrones is actually my favorite show to watch while also playing with my iPhone, which means I constantly force Bry to pause it to explain to me what just happened. Sadly, I just don't have the attention span to watch an hour of uninterrupted television anymore. But I still love it.

Also, if you're dating someone shitty right now who can't be bothered to return your texts or take you out on a proper date, then hopefully this clip from the finale episode will cheer you up. Prince Joffrey is hands down the worst fiance ever! He's also probably the most hated character on television right now. Here's a little recap of his relationship with Sansa Stark. Obvi, there are huge SPOILERS below.

Prince Joffrey's "dad" was King Robert Baratheon. Sansa's dad, Ned Stark (from the north) was appointed the king's hand. This is like the king's best bud and #1 adviser.

Sansa gets promised to Prince Joffrey and is totally hot for him, even though he's a complete prick. I sort of get it. If I was twelve and in seventh grade and Joffrey went to my junior high, I would totally be all up in his grill. 

The king dies and Joffrey's next in line to take over the throne, but Ned Stark learns Joffrey isn't Robert's biological son. (Joffrey's mom was fucking her brother and Joffrey is a product of incest!) Before Ned can expose this news to all of Westeros, Joffrey has him arrested for treason. He tells Sansa that he will spare her dad's life as long as he confesses to his crimes. 

Ned confesses to treason, but Joffrey chops his head off anyway in front of Sansa. Then, he puts it on a stick and makes her look at it. What a dick.

Sansa's still stuck being engaged to Joffrey even though she hates him and secretly wants to murder him, but before she can get her revenge, Joffrey dumps her in front of everyone for Margery. The chick from The Tudors.  Um, did I mention he beheaded Sansa's dad?!

Fucking Joffrey! I hope he gets his balls cut off and becomes a eunuch.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 5

This episode opens with a series of ridiculous scenes of Queen Emily and her prop daughter seeing the sites of London. Sigh. How I long for the days of the Bachelorette strolling by herself, packing a suitcase, standing outside on a balcony and contemplating whether she should go for a landing strip or a small triangle bikini wax for her future fantasy suite dates. I'm so sick of Little Ricki and I'm still not convinced she's actually Emily's daughter. I feel like we're gonna find out she's actually a white Webster who smokes cigars, drops F bombs, and has the voice of Kathleen Turner.

Did anyone notice how ABC did a nice little sound mix of Em and Ricki's laughter to make it seem like they were having the greatest mother-daughter date of all time? You can't fool me, ABC with your sound mixes. I'm what's called a savvy viewer and I will ruin you.

Is it just me or does Alejandro look hotter in London? Maybe it's just refreshing to see a Latino among a pack of drippy white guys who all look like they were raised in a small town in a red state. I'm even starting to dig his diamond studs. Alejandro, I didn't think you'd even make it past the first night. Way to shatter the glass ceiling.

I'm thinking of writing a letter to Anne Sweeney to tell her I don't think it's fiscally responsible for the network to send Chris Harrison to London to explain the same rules we've heard a million times. You know Harrison flies first class, too. He is such a waste of money. It would be so much cheaper if he just did face time with the guys on their iPhones. Then they could do a whole Apple integration and make a buck. How much do you want to bet after the rose ceremony the guys all go to Chris's hotel room to do blow and fuck hookers?

Sean gets the first one on one date. I'm not gonna lie, I really like Sean. He's sweet, wholesome, whiter than white, he says words like "stoked" and he turns red a lot. He's what I like to call husband material. Even though he and Emily have a joint IQ of 24, I actually like them together. The best part of this date is watching Emily try to play London Tour Guide. I'm pretty sure the producers had to use cue cards in these scenes. It looks like her brain might burst from the level of concentration it takes for her to say the words: Buckingham Palace. And Sean has no idea what the fuck Big Ben is. These two were made for each other. It's beyond ridiculous that they have to ask random strangers to take pictures of them. UM. You're being followed by a camera crew and a bunch of production assistants. Just ask one of them to take a freaking picture.

Sean and Emily go to the park and Sean gets on a soap box and talks about how he loves love and wants to be in love and love makes the world go round and all you need is love. Fine. It's kind of cute. In a preppy Good Will Hunting sort of way. Emily tries to smile at him, but all the botox running through her face has her totally paralyzed. Poor disabled Emily. Sean and Emily have a romantic dinner in a prison, Sean proves he's a huge loser by saying this was easily the best day of his life. They kiss and once again, Sean only kisses Emily's upper-lip. Maybe he's worried he'll catch a disease from all the collagen injections, but it's seriously weird that their lips never match up. Sean clearly has bad aim, which means the fantasy suite could be his undoing if he actually hits the wrong hole. Although, I wouldn't be surprised if Em is all about butt love. Either way, I think we have our new front runner.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives and the guys are beyond confused by what it says: a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Thank God for Alejandro, the cultured minority, who says he THINKS it's Shakespeare. Meanwhile, Kalon is beyond pissed that Marty McFly got the other one on one date. This throws a serious wrench in Kalon's plan to murder Emily and wear her skin like a winter coat. How is he supposed to kill her on a freaking group date with all those other guys around? Kalon says that every date with Emily will be a group date, because of Little Ricki and Ricky 2.0 (AKA Arie) and McFly get all up in arms about it. But...he kind of has a point. And honestly, little Ricki has not done one cute thing since the show premiered. Bitch.

Group date time! The guys arrive at Stratford Upon Avon and learn they are going to rehearse scenes from the Baz Luhrman movie, Romeo & Juliet. For some reason there are three Shakespeare experts to help them. Side note, Ryan Roids is sporting a scarf. Weird, right?

Basically, all the guys are illiterate and Kalon thinks he's finally gotten his shot to prove his acting prowess and that surely once this episode airs, he'll be cast as the next Batman. For once, Emily actually makes me laugh when she says that Kalon needs to lighten up and realize he's not on Broadway. SNAP! Ricky 2.0 is having a major freak out about this whole date. First of all, he hates acting. Second, he has to play the nurse and wear drag which is doubly confusing, because he's not even wearing a nurse's uniform. Ryan Roids is super happy cause he gets to make out with Emily on stage. I'm not sure who all these Brits are with their huge teethy smiles during the horrible performances. I'm guessing ABC borrowed them from a nearby asylum and they're just excited to breathe fresh air and get a break from their strait jackets. No sane person would be able to sit through this, let alone a self-respecting British person.

But let's skip over all this crap and get to the one exciting thing that's happened all season. During the cocktail party, Kalon bitches about how he has to wait around to talk to an exhausted sick mother who has a daughter waiting in bed for her or something. WTF. Kalon is kind of starting to remind me of Viserys from Game of Thrones. Someone throw a tub of boiling gold over his head!

Anyway. Then it surfaces that Kalon called Little Ricki baggage. This further proves my point that some freaky Flowers in the Attic shit would go down if Kalon became Ricki's stepdad. But I also have a feeling that if Marty McFly becomes her stepdad, he's going to sign her up for all those sick little kid beauty pageants. Everyone makes it sound like Kalon said Little Ricki needs to die and Doug takes it upon himself to take Emily aside and tell her everything.

And that's when White Trash Maynard rears her ugly head. Finally! I've been waiting for this moment for weeks! She says she's going to get West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on him. WHAT? Are people in West Virginia just constantly kicking each other's asses in the woods? I seriously love how people from the south get all trailer park when someone pisses them off. Remember when Taylor from RHOBH told Kim Richards she was going to go Oklahoma on her ass? It's times like these I'm really sad I grew up in San Jose, CA. What, am I gonna be like-- I'm gonna go San Jose, HTML, Steven's Creek, Santana Row on his ass? That actually sounds kind of hot.

Trailer Park Emily decides she wants to confront Kalon. Doug tries to play moderator, while she pretty much rips K five new assholes. I feel a little bit bad for the guy, but I mostly feel bad for the half dozen girls he has chained to his basement wall that were happy to get a break from him. And I did think Emily went a little overboard. The best part about this whole sequence is the look on all the other guy's faces. You know they're all thinking: OH NO. Bitch is high maintenance. No one at ABC said anything about Emily not being sweet and accommodating at all times. Emily was actually oddly articulate and made a ton of good points during this fight and wouldn't even let Kalon speak. These guys know they are screwed if they ever cross her by leaving the toilet seat up. West Virginia hood rat then announces that she's not going to give a rose to anyone because she's pissed no one told her about Kalon. Uhhhh....what about Doug?!

SO, after watching Em's date with Jef, I officially think that all of the producers from this show should get fired. What is this bullshit?! They end up having to go sit down and have tea with an etiquette coach? I get that Emily is a hood rat, but why the hell would I want to spend five valuable minutes of my life watching Julia Child tell McFly how to pour tea. This is so lame. And then in an even more contrived lame turn of events, Emily and Jef decide to ditch the etiquette lady and go to a pub to eat fish and chips. There's even a scene, I shit you not, of the etiquette coach coming back to an empty room and saying "where did they go...?" I'm pretty sure this was a straight rip off from a Mary Kate and Ashley movie.

Em is all sorts of freaked out that she kept Kalon along for all this time when he turned out to be a serial killer. She thinks it shows that she has bad judgement. Hmmmm, considering she's super hot for gay McFly, it's pretty clear her judgment sucks. If any of you ever had any doubt that Jef was gay, he says and I quote: "If Ricki was baggage she'd would be a Chloe handbag."

Back me up on this...what straight guy would ever say that?!?!?! Please God, please. Please let Jef come out of the closet and become Em's best gay friend who has to go on all the dates with her and talk about how hot all the other guys are. Then, at one point, let him lead the rest of the men in a rendition of I Say a Little Prayer For You. Then, when the guy Em picks blows her off, let Jef and Em decide to have a baby together, but then it all falls apart when she meets Benjamin Bratt.

I read in Us Weekly that Jef is friends with Michelle Money (the bitchy girl from Brad's season) and that Emily knew about him before she came on the show. Clearly, this is all a revenge plot from crazy Michelle to get West Virginia to fall in love with a gay man. Anyway, Emily and McFly ride on this glass elevator tram thingy and he finally kisses her and his boyfriend back home in Salt Lake City sticks his face in a pint of Chubby Hubby while watching it all go down.

Time for the rose ceremony. The cocktail party was as boring as they come, except that Roid Rage Ryan surprised Emily with a necklace. I'm really glad to see him turning things around, because I kept him around in my Bachelorette bracket for far too long. Needless to say, our token minority gets sent back to the states. Good bye Alejandro, I'll miss you and your weird hair and stud earrings. You were one of the good ones.

I'm super excited for next week's episode when Backwoods hunts down Chris Harrison in a dark alley and demands to know what other guys are not on the show for her. I have a feeling this has to do with a secret Arie's been keeping that I read all about in Us Weekly, but I won't give it away.

I honestly can't believe Emily thinks any of these guys came on the show for her. No one's there to be Emily's husband. Everyone is there to be Little Ricki's stepdad.  I bet after this episode airs, Little Ricki will slap Em across the face and demand that she bow down to her like the submissive botoxed trophy mom she is.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

a girl's guide to ASSHOLES

Brilliant guest post from my new favorite loyal reader, Shira H.  Someone needs to give this girl a book deal:

Girls love assholes.

…Not the body part. In fact, stay far far away from there.

I’m talking about “asshole” in layman’s terms:

“An obnoxious, arrogant, self-centered male who women can’t seem to get enough of.” -

As much as we deny it, as much as we hate ourselves for it, as much as we tell ourselves that we will grow out of it… we know deep down inside that we will be shamefully pining after the douchebag who left us in the middle of the night much more than the sweetheart making us breakfast in the morning.

Los Angeles appears to be a breeding ground for these overly confident dick waggers, so I feel it is my duty as a Los Angelina and writer to report on my findings so that girls in this city (and others) can commiserate.

Why Do We Love Assholes?

Speaking from my own experiences, it’s because we usually can’t tell the guy is a turdfucker right away. We can only see his positive traits — the traits that we later realize only lend to his turdfuckerness: good looks, confidence, charisma, a sense of humor, energy, social skills, spontaneity. And who doesn’t love that? It sucks us in, it’s refreshing, it’s fun — so much fun, in fact, that when he flips the switch from George Clooney to Bam Margera, we’re so caught up in his original swagger that we choose to barely acknowledge the fact that he’s texting another girl while simultaneously trying to unhook our bra. Once we get that initial glimpse of his charm, it’s enough to warp our minds into neglecting the glaringly obvious douchebaggery and instead we choose to hunt for the good (that we later realize isn’t there).

Types of Assholes:

I want to be clear about something before I continue: ex-boyfriends are not always assholes. Sometimes relationships have to end, and sometimes he’s the one doing the ending, and as much as it sucks, you can’t go applying the “asshole” label all willynilly because that is just plain unfair.

That being said, there are all sorts of other kinds of assholes, such as:

· The ACTUAL Ex-Boyfriend Asshole: The guy who cheats on you, abuses you emotionally or physically, the guy who takes you for granted, hits on your friends in front of you, or is a dick to your parents. He deserves the asshole label and whatever unfortunate things that happen to his car following the breakup.

· The Industry Asshole: The guy who thinks he is God’s gift to not only women, but the world, because he met Michael Fassbender that one time when he was working as an intern to an assistant to a coordinator at a small production company producing a project that will likely never come to fruition. I’m starting to realize that the only real power these Hollywoodies have is the ability to get table service at over-crowded clubs. But I guess to some girls that’s the whole attraction… so… to each her own?

· The Nice Guy Asshole: The guy who takes you for a proper date, pays for dinner, holds your hand, takes you back to his apartment for a movie and then promptly kicks you out when you tell him you’re not ready to have sex with him. He’ll say something along the lines of “Well I’m really tired, you should probably get going” and then climb into his bed and shut out the light before you’ve even started walking to the door.

· The Typical Asshole: We all know this one: the perfect guy until you have sex with him… and then you never see him again. Just pretend that he died - it’ll save you a lot of trouble and analysis. Or you can simply tell yourself the following: this guy was looking for a stroked dick and a stroked ego… and once he’s gotten both, he’s out of there. And he’s not worth it. Because he wasn’t even that good in bed anyway, when you really think about it.

· The “Text Message Sweetheart” Asshole: The guy who you don’t actually know that well other than from what you’ve gathered from text messages, emails, facebook, etc. Maybe you’ve met once or twice, exchanged info, and have continued a budding friendship/relationship electronically. He’ll tell you cute things, check in to see how you’re doing, send you sweet “good morning” texts when he wakes up… but when you hang out in person, he’s awkward, annoying, and kind of a scumbag. He’s the type of guy who gives great phone, but not a whole lot else.

· The Adventurous Loser Asshole: The guy who justifies unemployment by making it seem like it was his own decision. Often says things along the lines of “I didn’t want to be tied down by a job, I got the fuck out of there cause I want to do my own thing, travel, etc.” Usually this means that he was fired from his job at The Olive Garden for constantly hoarding breadsticks in his apron and has no other opportunities for employment outside of jury duty which is mandatory anyway and doesn’t pay. His spontaneous road trips, travel plans and camping excursions aren’t sexy and fun — they’re out of necessity because what the fuck else is he going to do with his life? And if he “forgets his wallet” at dinner more than once, you need to run and not look back.

· The Frat Asshole: The guy who never left the glory days of his Fraternity basement and position as Chapter Social Chair. The guy for whom every weekend is still a day-drinking extravaganza complete with bitches and kegs and lacrosse pinneys, and who works at his dad’s company during the week where he demands far more respect than deserved because he’s the bosses kid. Often makes promises he can’t keep and has an UrbanDictionary app on his iPhone in case the girl he’s trying to text-pick-up uses a word he’s never heard of.

· The Sensitive Asshole: The guy who has all sorts of problems, maybe stemming from his childhood, or a past relationship, and decides that you’re the person who’s going to have to pay for it. He’ll treat you like shit, he’ll expect you to take on all of his issues, and he expects you to do it because you’ve seen him cry and you love him enough to feel his pain. Typically will justify asshole behavior by saying something like “I TOLD you about this when we first started dating, you KNEW this about me” thereby making you feel guilty because he did in fact warn you. But note to self: warning somebody about being an asshole does not negate the fact that HE IS AN ASSHOLE. He’s just a very self-aware asshole.

· The Smiley Face Asshole: The guy who texts you heinously inappropriate or rude things (not in a cute way) and follows them with a smiley, winky, or tongue-sticking-out face. Simply respond with the following: Awww. Fuck you :) ;) :-P

In Summation:

Asshole guys can be fun. But in the end, they’re never worth it. And perhaps part of the excitement of clinging to these badboys is the idea that we can change them…that there’s something about us that will grab ahold of their tainted soul and help them see the light.

But that doesn’t happen.

So give that cute dorky guy who wants to take you to the movies this weekend a chance. Let him hold your hand. It can’t hurt, right?

Monday, June 11, 2012

even turtles BLOW each other OFF

Poldi & Bibi back in the good old days
Next time you are feeling down in the dumps about that relationship that ended after a few months of dating think of Poldi.

Poldi is a turtle in the Austrian Zoo who has been living with Bibi for 115 years. That's like since 1897 folks. Bibi (the female) was the first to BLOW OFF Poldi when she started attacking him and biting his shell. The zoo has now separated the two, but have tried everything from feeding them aphrodisiacs to counseling to trying to get them to play games with each other to get the spark back-- but nothing's worked.  The director of the zoo even said they get the feeling they can't stand the sight of each other anymore. 

Apparently, it's very rare for animals who have been together for so long to separate.

Poor Poldi.

the 140 characters BLOW OFF

I honestly have no idea why anyone would want to be famous these days.  Celebrities can't do shit in public without worrying it will end up on the internet.  Hell.  I got pissed when a friend of mine tagged a picture of me on Facebook that I specifically asked her not to upload when she took it (I wasn't naked or doing drugs, but I was wearing a cotton jumper thingy from Victoria's Secret while getting my hair and make up done pre-wedding.  I wasn't wearing a bra, the shorts were riding up my pasty thighs, hair and make up was in its very early stages.  It wasn't pretty).  ANYWAY.  Enough about me. 

This post is about what happened to actor Brian Presley last week.  Presley was on a red eye flight from LAX to JFK and was sitting in first class next to model Melissa Stetten.  These are the details of the story we know to be true.

According to Stetten's Twitter feed, Presley started hitting on her.  And unbeknownst to him, she was live tweeting the whole exchange to her 20,000+ followers.  Read her tweets as follows:

So, Presley started his career as a soap actor on the show Port Charles (the General Hospital spin-off about vampires.) His wife, Erin Presley was also on the show (she was also in the running to be a co-host on The View, but that job went to Elisabeth Hasselbeck.) I worked at ABC Daytime when Port Charles was still on the air and I only heard wonderful things about both of them. A few of my old colleagues who I'm still in touch with are good friends with them and said this story (other than the pair sitting next to each other on the plane) is completely false.

I really hope that's the case, but I'm on the fence. You would have to be a serious diabolical psychopath to make this shit up about someone.  Or be seriously desperate for more Twitter followers (Stetten's followers have doubled since these tweets surfaced).  Stetten claims Presley lied about being married, took off his wedding ring, and drank three beers even though he publicly claims to be sober. If she's actually telling the truth, well, then maybe it's not a bad thing for married dudes to worry that their straying ways could be exposed on a social networking site. But then again, if we've learned anything from all the internet scandals of the last couple years (Anthony Weiner, anyone?) it's that men who are inclined to cheat don't learn.  And it seems like it's always the holier than thou religious peeps that aren't practicing what they preach.

Here's what Brian posted on his Facebook fan page about the whole thing:

I love that I took a red eye flight to NY, had a 10 minute friendly conversation with the person sitting next to me, had some food, and went to sleep! I learned today this person has been tweeting about me drinking beer in the airplane bathroom, and trying to commit adultery with her on the airplane. Really absurd and quite funny! ... They Even took pictures of me while I was sleeping. A little WIERD! I was on a soap opera for years and never did the writers write something this good:)

None of what this person said happened is true! I guess in today's age you have to be careful who you say hello too.

Sobriety, God, & My Family are the most important things in my life! My Wife Rocks, My Kids Rock, and Sobriety Rocks!!! I will pay this no more attention and I encourage all of you to do the same. God Bless all of you and thank you all for all your support! - Brian

Hmmm.  Who do you guys think is telling the truth here?  Based on his statement, the tone of their conversation in the tweets sound even more accurate.  Whether it's true or not, the good news is he can turn all this over to Jesus.