Tuesday, July 31, 2012

the text message quitter

Guys. Here's when text messaging is appropriate:
-Making plans
-Telling someone you're running late.
-Telling someone you've arrived at wherever you're supposed to meet.
-Sexting and/or romantic little text notes.
-Possibly "happy birthdays" if you feel like you need to go above and beyond the Facebook wall.

Here's when text messaging is absolutely not appropriate EVER:
-Quitting a job.
-Breaking up with someone you've had more than fives dates with and/or slept with.
-Texting, while driving.  Obvi.

We've talked about the break up thing numerous times, so let's focus on people that quit their jobs via text for this post.  Cause apparently there are people out there that think this is totally okay like my sister's nanny.  I was hanging out with my sis over the weekend when she received a text message from her son's nanny saying and I quote "my schedule no longer allows me to work on weekdays.  I'm really sorry about this."  No phone call.  No two weeks notice.  All from a grown woman that's taken care of my (incredibly adorable) nephew for seven months.   The text did not come after any sort of falling out or disagreement.  They had a perfectly good experience with her thus far, but the girl knew what she was doing was totally shitty and she didn't have the guts to tell them she was quitting over the phone.
They called her in response to the text message, but got her voice mail.  Did I mention my nephew is beyond adorable?

My cousin had a similar experience when the dental hygienist at his practice (who he had spent the last six months training) sent him a text in the middle of the night saying she wasn't going to go to work the next day or ever again.

I don't get it.  Maybe it's because I've got this work ethic/immigrant mentality instilled in me by my parents, but the only way I would ever quit a job is by telling my employer in person--- face to face.   The only time the text message quitter is okay is if you're boss is abusive or a sexual harasser.

Maybe we need to invent some sort of text screener that doesn't allow texts to get sent if a person is trying to dump someone or quit a job.  You would just get a response that read:

Your text cannot be sent, because you are an inconsiderate pussy.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Is It Wrong That I Wasn't Attracted To A Guy Until He Offered Me Drugs?

Let me set the scene. It was a Saturday night. I got off work and was driving home. I was getting excited about my pay-per-view (because Time Warner had kindly sent me a coupon for a .99 cent movie) and a late night snack until I looked at the clock. 11:24PM. 11:24PM! 11 fucking 24 PM! I couldn't stop repeating the time.

How did this happen??? I used to be cool. I used to be a "party girl" and know where all of the action was all the time. I used to have people asking ME what to do on a Saturday night. And now I'm getting ready to settle in at 11:24PM. No fucking way. I called up a friend who said I should meet her at The Dime. The Dime was one of my regular haunts in my hey day. Nine times out of ten if you went out any night of the week I'd be there. But I hadn't been there in at least 2 years. It wasn't the happening spot anymore but I figured it was better than being at home...alone...at 11:24PM on Saturday.

She went to meet a guy she had on and off feelings for and I went to not die of self-loathing. One of the guy's friends had just moved to LA that week and was cute but I kinda lost interest when I found out he was from Cult-ville, Texas. Can you get more white bread and generic? He was cute but when I tried to make conversation we had nothing in common. At times I kinda wished I had gone home and finally watched Country Strong. But I stuck it out. He was flirting and lets be honest...I could use the practice.

I started telling him how I was tired and used to be cool and was part of the in crowd. He jokingly suggested that I try a little blow to keep myself awake. To which my reply was "honey...been there, done that, have the t-shirt. Except I was definitely more fun when I partook in extra-curricular activities." He then proceeded to offer me cocaine. I was shocked. I thought he had just mentioned it because he'd seen "Bright Lights, Big City" and "Less Than Zero" and thought that that's what people in LA did. I didn't think he was holding.

And that's when I became attracted to him. I politely declined and told him those were days of yesteryear for me, but I couldn't help how much my interest in him had piqued. Maybe he wasn't as corn fed as I thought. After that when he asked for my number I gave it to him willingly. Of course he ended up being a jerk, but I probably didn't have to tell you that a guy that offered me cocaine twenty minutes into our friendship wouldn't be my Prince Charming.

Have you ever thought a guy was more attractive once you found out he had an edge? I like mine razor sharp.

Friday, July 27, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: GIve Your Heart a Break by Demi Lovato

My serious guilty pleasure right now.  Also, why is it always so cute to watch a guy and a girl paint a room together?



Don't wanna break your heart
Wanna give your heart a break
I know you're scared it's wrong
Like you might make a mistake
There's just one life to live
And there's no time to wait, to waste
So let me give your heart a break, give your heart a break
Let me give your heart a break, your heart a break
-Demi Lovato, 2012

Thursday, July 26, 2012

THE until something better comes along BLOW OFF

Let's get real for a second.  When you're used to being in a relationship, the prospect of being single can be terrifying.  I know we all like to pretend that we're awesome at being on our own, but I'm sure a great majority of us have stayed in unhappy relationships because it was still better than nothing.  And we figured, why not kill time with this person until something better comes along?

Raise your hand if you've done this.

I think deep down that was the reason I stayed together with my high school boyfriend when I entered college.  It was my first "serious" relationship and the first time in my life I'd gotten used to having someone.  And since he was the first guy that liked me enough to be my boyfriend, I think part of me worried he might also be the only person that wanted to be my boyfriend.  In hindsight, staying together was a huge mistake.  I missed out on so many potential fun college hook ups.  And I ended up breaking up with him only when something better came along.  And when the something better didn't pan out, I ended up getting back together with him, which again was a big mistake because I missed out on so many potential fun college hook ups.  I totally missed out on my lesbian stage because of that guy.

And then there was the famous six month boyfriend who I totally dated just because I was tired of being single, especially when all my friends were in relationships.  The whole time we dated, I remember thinking of the relationship as a filler until I met someone with better hygiene (seriously, I think I dated the only guy that had bad hygiene who was still super OCD about germs.)

Anyway, sometimes I think-- what's the harm in hanging out with one person, while biding your time for something better to come along?  I know it's important for all of us to learn to be alone, but being single is way less fun when everyone around us is in relationships.  But I guess you just have to hope no one better than you comes along for the person you're dating.  Then you're shit out of luck.


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

How Jordan Catalano, Troy Dyer, Mr. Big, and Hank Moody Ruined My Life

Thanks a lot Hollywood. You've successfully brainwashed me and the other ladies of my generation. You really fucked us this time. You've made us fall in love with these selfish, slacker, self-involved, flawed bad boys who we think have potential and can change. Well, they can't and won't. They aren't beautifully broken, they are just assholes.

"Why are you like this? "
"Like what?"
"Like how you are." Jordan Catalano and Angela Chase- My So Called Life

What the fuck does that even mean? Why are you like this? Like how you are? What else can I expect though from a television character that can't read. I feel like now I'm programmed to go for these somewhat lovable losers that make us think that they will someday blossom into good men who don't hurt us and like us even when it isn't convenient for them.

Pop quiz hot shot...what would Jordan Catalano be doing now 17 years later if the show had gone on for more than one glorious season. Well he'd probably be fat, just mastering Dr. Seuss, and cheating on you with the local bar maid (who's fat by the way) while you're at home tucking your kids into bed. You would be the main breadwinner while he locked himself in the garage working on his car, Red, every Saturday afternoon.
Troy Dyer... you think you're any better? You totally shat all over Lelaina until the last ten minutes of the movie and something tells me you continued to do it.

Mr. Big...first off YOU MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE. Excuse me, first you jerk Carrie around
for two years and then marry that waspy waif. As if she doesn't have enough troubles you pop into her life just when she's happy but she always takes you back. Gee, I wonder why me and all of my friends forgive any attractive man with puppy dog eyes...

Last but not least Hank Moody. Ok, you're hot. No, you're sexy. But you're the eternal fuck up. We all keep hoping that one day you will get the point but you never do. You fuck someone else? Somehow we forgive you and that makes you even sexier and more lovable (and you keep profiting dollars).

Well, thank you to the world of entertainment. Because of these leading male characters that you've poisoned my brain with, now I have to pay a doctor $175 an hour to listen to why I choose the wrong men. You owe me a refund. And a good boyfriend for once.

That's all.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Bella cheats on Edward? WTF!

I am so not a Twi-hard. In fact, I'm the queen of reading one book in a series and never getting around to reading the rest. I read the first two Twilight books, watched the first two movies, and then decided that Robert Pattinson did nothing for me and quit that shit.

But this is dishy. And if it's true, Kristen Stewart may need to go into hiding. Cause you know there are teenaged girls out there who will want her head on a plate for cheating on R Pat.

Seriously though, what is wrong with people? If she really did cheat on her super pale boyfriend with the married, 40 year old, father of two, director of Snow White and the Huntsman, then fucking ewwww. Ugh. This girl is the queen of rolling her eyes at all Hollywood cliches and it turns out she's one giant cliche of her own. You kind of have to feel bad for her a little bit, because girls in their twenties make mistakes, but not all of them have to worry their boyfriend will find out by having it plastered all over the internet and in Us Weekly. Luckily, she has shit tons of money and front row seats at fashion shows to numb the pain.

Jesus. This is like Britney and Justin all over again. Anyway, more as this story develops. As of right now Kristen and Rupert Sanders (the married director) reps have not commented on the story. And everyone knows a story isn't true until a publicist releases a statement. But for now, who should Robert Pattinson date next? I vote for Felicity Jones.

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: Season Finale!!

Jef is totally thinking: make it stop, make it stop.
Honestly, I'm still recovering from Sunday night's bachelorette finale. What a shit show.  The episode starts with Chris Harrison and a live studio audience hanging out in that freezing cold studio in Burbank that I know all too well after being there for a 12 hour taping of the Men Tell All (Ali Fedetosky's season).  I'm really not sure how I feel about Harrison and ABC acknowledging the tragedy in Aurora, Colorado.  It just seems a little out of place and it makes me feel even shittier for spending three hours of my life watching this crap.  But, spoiler alert, I didn't change the channel.  CUT TO Curacao and cue the false suspense.  Emily wanders around the island and says things like how she never thought she'd be in love with two people and she has no idea who she'll end up with.   Hmmm...then you might not want to say yes to a marriage proposal in two days.

Just when we thought we got rid of Little Ricki for good, she returns from what I'm assuming was a stint in kiddie rehab.  Clearly, Princess Ricki got wind of the money being spent on her mother's atrocious wardrobe and demanded to wear some cuter outfits, because beeotch was totally channeling Suri Cruise in this episode.  There's a few obligatory shots of Hood Rat swimming in the pool with Little Ricki so that we can think she's actually interested in being a mom.

Emily's backwoods family arrives to meet her two suitors.  Gay Marty Mormon McFly is the first to meet them.  Some of you have been telling me that gay McFly is not gay.  He's just a hipster or a fashion mormon.  Okay, maybe you're right and Jef actually likes pussy BUT after looking at a few hipster pics of him on the internet, I think it's safe to say that Queen Emily of Charlotte would so totally not be his type.  I'm sorry, but hipsters want to date waif types who wear 1950s style dresses in a totally un-ironic way.  They want girls that listen to LCD Soundsystem NOT Rascal Flatts.  Jef wants a Zooey Deschanel type, not a Carrie Underwood.  You heard it here first.

The best part of Jef meeting Emily's family is when her mom (who btw, totally looks like she works for the psychic friends network) mentions that Queen Emily wants someone who will wait on her hand and foot.  Em's quick to shut her mom up, but I totally believe it.  I mean, remember when her mom brought her breakfast in bed cause she was so tired from a long night of drinking pinot grigio and flirting with douche bags?  Hood Rat West Virginia may seem sweet, but anyone who wears that much make up is totally high maintenance.  Jef gets the third degree from Em's mom who tells him that he has all the things that Em wants in a husband (i.e. MONEY).  Then Jef has to have a sit down chat with Em's brother Ernie (not to be mistaken with the Sesame Street character).  I've kind of got a soft spot for old Ernie.  He's really protective of his sister and he's clearly team Big Ricky.  Hearing him talk about Em's dead fiancĂ© just makes me realize how sick and wrong this whole thing is.  It totally spits in the face of the relationship she had with Ricky.  Later, Jef asks Em's dad for her hand in marriage and Em's dad seriously looks like he wants to repeatedly punch him in the face while calling him a pansy.  But in a surprising move, he gives him his blessing.  I guess the pansy scene was cut out by Broadcast Standards & Practices.

As though sitting through a three hour finale wasn't bad enough, the show tortures us by constantly cutting to Chris Harrison and the live studio audience.  WTF.  Is this guy a talk show host now?  Harrison is such a renaissance man.  And what's with the girl with the really hip platinum blonde haircut in the audience?  She's way too cute and stylish to be watching a show like The Bachelorette.  She would be perfect for Jef (or as our very own Sassy Pants likes to call him "what the one F.")

Next, it's Arie's turn to meet Em's family.  He seems a little awkward and nervous and unlike Jef, he did not bring flowers for Em's mom and future sister in law.  Major party foul.  Em's family stares at him like he's an alien visiting from Pluto until Arie presents them with a SUPER SWEET gift.  Or super cheesy, depending on how you look at it.  He gives them a wooden box filled with...not weed, but all the roses Emily gave him.  Ugh, I'm such a sucker for any form of sentiment.  And so is Em's family.  The gift totally wins them over.  Watching Arie do the whole song and dance with Em's parents and rough-n-tumble Ernie just reminds me of one of those terrible job interviews where you're required to meet with five different people before getting hired.  Arie even manages to get Ernie to crack a smile and he also gets Jim-Bob's blessing to marry Emily.  I have no idea if Em's dad's name is Jim-Bob, but he looks like a Jim-Bob.

Right now, I'm totally team Arie.  He's looking really hot in navy blue and he actually seems really into Emily.  With Jef, I still get a stiff/awkward vibe and I'm not totally convinced he's really in love with her.  But then Arie says something about how he knows he and Emily are going to get engaged and I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Everyone knows the guy who's ultra-confident always gets dumped at the end.  It's like Bachelorette rule numero uno!

Emily and her family debrief the whole meet and greet and Em says she's not sure if the guys should meet Little Ricki and her mom advises her to hold off on getting engaged.  Good advice, psychic mama!  I totes agree!

I REALLY think it's wrong for Emily to let any of the guys meet Little Ricki on camera, especially after the whole Brad Womack debacle.  But I would not be surprised if there's a salary bump in her contract if she agrees to have her kid meet the guys on camera.   You can just tell all of these middle-aged moms in the live studio audience think Hood Rat is the best mom ever, but seriously-- what is good about allowing your six year old, whose father tragically died in a plane crash, to meet some guy you've been dating on a reality TV show for three months on camera??

Gay McFly and Emily have their last date together and we basically have to watch them hang out on the beach and discuss whether or not he gets to meet the golden child.  Em seems to be leaning more towards him not meeting her, but I swear Jef basically peer pressured her or brainwashed her into making it happen.  Those mormons are so darn sneaky!  He was so all about it, that I'm beginning to think Jef is secretly a HUGE little Ricki fan and that's actually the only reason he came on this show.  I should have known when he called her a Chloe handbag!  After about thirty seconds of Jef saying he wants to meet Emily Junior, Emily relents.  The worst part is, when they arrive at the hotel pool where Little Ricki is running the show and screaming at her nannies-- Em reveals that Little Ricki does not know Jef is coming.

WHAT?  They're going to do a sneak attack?  She's not even going to sit this kid down and tell her what the deal is?  Jef finally gets his wish and meets the kid.  I'm seriously waiting for him to ask for an autograph.  We're forced to sit through a few awkward scenes of Jef being "silly" and swimming with Little Ricki.  SO...not only does the girl get a surprise visit from some strange dude, but she also has to be in a bikini around the guy.  Little Ricki basically spends the whole time speaking in tongues (seriously, do you guys ever understand anything this kid says??) and pretending to bond with this strange man she's never met.

Side note: everyone keeps saying how funny Jef is, but I don't see it.  Just because he played with marionettes once does not make him funny!  In fact, it makes him creepy.  Marionettes are fucking weird.  If Em wants funny then she should date that guy who showed up in the first episode dressed as a grandma.  (I believe his name was Randy).

Later that night, Jef comes over to Emily's place and gives her one of the lamest presents ever.  It's literally a book on Curacao that he bought in the hotel lobby and then drew stick figures in.  I really think this guy is starting to realize that he might be the winner of this stupid show and he's making a last ditch effort to get Emily to love Arie more than him.  Emily sends him home with a kiss and we get some very ridiculous shot of Gay McFly standing in the rain all serious.  I'm pretty sure he's as surprised as we are that he made it this far.  Also, side note: it's one thing if you're saving yourself for marriage, but it's a little weird to do that with someone when you're clearly not a virgin (I mean, the woman has a child.  We all know she's had sex).  Is Emily really going to get engaged to a guy without making sure he doesn't prefer to stick it in her butthole for the rest of their lives?

The next morning, Chris Harrison arrives to give Emily a therapy session, because he's clearly a trained psychiatrist.  I love how Emily pretends that Chris Harrison is her first choice when it comes to asking for advice.  Who else would they have her talk to besides the host of the show?  Dr. Phil?  Dr. Drew?  Dr. Pepper?  Anyway, at this point, I think we all pretty much see the writing on the wall.  Emily is taking a page from Ali Fedowhatever's book and dumping Arie before he has an opportunity to get down on one knee and propose to her.  She does her paralysis of the face cry and Chris tries to pretend he cares and tells her she's making the right decision.

I would like to take a moment to analyze the Arie-Jef choice, because seriously-- I don't think any of us thought this was the guy she'd end up with:
Em's choice came down to two things: money and family.  Jef is the wealthiest of all the contestants.  And we saw that ranch his parents owned in Utah.  Also, you can't exactly be a poor guy and start a company like his.  He clearly paid for People Water with mommy and daddy's money.  Speaking of parents, I really think Emily had a problem with Arie's mom and that his family was way too Euro for her taste.  That's when the scales tipped in Jef's favor.  Sean was an insurance salesman.  He never really stood a chance.

What I don't understand is why Em keeps calling Jef EDGY.  The guy is mormon.  How much edge could he possibly have?  I'm guessing he doesn't drink (did we ever see him drink on the show) or smoke or take drugs.  He has about as much edge as a cabbage patch doll.

Of course, if it wasn't bad enough that Arie's about to get dumped early--- they opt not to let the guy know right away in his hotel room, but instead send him on the date to meet with some Miss Cleo lady that teaches him to make a love potion.  The show throws in a ton of moments of him saying how he and Em are madly in love and are going to get engaged.  Watching this is like getting water boarded.  But I'm also really hoping he makes the love potion super fast and dumps it all over Emily and she comes to her senses and picks him.  Or that he at least spills it all over Miss Cleo and they run off and have cute little Carribean babies together.  But none of that happens.  Instead, Queen Emily arrives and after a few torturous minutes of Arie making her sniff the love potion, she tells him they are dunzo.

Arie is completely shocked-- I'm guessing, because he's never been dumped before in his life.  The best part about this sequence is that he's not super nice about getting the boot.  But I really wish he lost his shit even more.  Bottom line: there were probably ways that Em could have clued him in at some point that he wasn't the one and she never did.  I don't buy that she didn't know, because I'm telling you-- the second she met his mother-- she was totally over him.  He rides off in an SUV and begins to talk about how stupid he feels.

Here's the deal people that go on The Bachelorette.  No matter what happens or what you do or how you act, you're already stupid because you went on a freaking reality dating show.  There was no avoiding the stupid so just embrace it.

I do feel really bad for Arie.  I definitely liked him more than Jef...but I also think Emily is super boring and a little dumb and is basically only interesting when she's being a bitch to Kalon.  So, at the end of the day, Arie is better off.  And you just know one of these days Little Ricki is gonna go Linda Blair Exorcist on Jef's ass.  All that aside,  when they cut back to the studio audience-- we may as well have been at a memorial service for the victims in Aurora.  The looks on these people's faces was priceless.  This lady looks like she's just been told her entire family died:

I actually kind of miss the days where we had to wait 'til the very end of the show to find out who the winner was.  Now, we have forty five minutes of total filler.  Neil Fucking Lane shows up to show Marty McGay what the one F a bunch of ugly diamond rings, while he contemplates whether he should propose to Emily.  We even have to sit through Chris Harrison interviewing former Bachelor contestants in the studio audience.  UGH.  There's nothing I hate more than former reality TV contestants.  Can't these people move on and get a life???  I will say, Cupcake has actually grown on me though and I love me some JP, so I guess it wasn't a total waste.

There's a ton more false suspense about whether Emily will say yes to a marriage proposal.  I'm really hoping she'll make the smart decision here and take things slow (for the sake of her daughter at least) but after she allowed McFly to meet Little Ricki, I'm not so sure that's going to happen.  I will say that I did like Fashion Mormon's suit a lot, but other than that I'm just not a fan.  I know some of you love him for some weird reason, but his personality was kind of blah this season.  And allow me to remind you that he was the guy that uttered:

I WANT TO DATE YOU SO HARD AND MARRY THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.

Anyway, let's cut to the chase.  Jef arrives in his edgy suit and Emily is in yet another dress that is possibly really ugly or really pretty.  She tells Jef she loves him, that he's the only guy that met Little Ricki, and that she's already sent Arie packing.  Jef says some shit about God and then basically gets down on one knee and proposes.  So, he just asked a woman to marry him that has NEVER met his parents.  After about ten seconds of Emily pretending to contemplate what she should say, Hood Rat Backwoods West Virginia says...

YES.

IDIOT.  I'm literally willing to bet my ovaries that these two do not stay together.  I give it two years, tops.  The worst, most cringe-worthy part about this whole thing is that Little Ricki comes running out (in a super hip outfit and side ponytail) and the three frolic off together.  Okay, so how did that conversation go?  Hey, Little Ricki...you know that guy that went swimming with you for like five minutes the other day?  Well, he's gonna be your new dad.  Then we go into a giant montage to the song Glory of Love by Peter Cetera (best. song. ever.)  Jef's hipster cred is totally ruined by it-- unless hipsters love Peter Cetera in an ironic way.

THE END.

Okay, here are some quick thoughts on After the Final Rose.

Emily looks like she's gotten even more botox.  She says that the ring means nothing to her and she could be wearing tape around her finger and she would be happy.  I call bullshit.  You know what kind of girls say stuff like that?  Girls that are engaged to rich men.  Arie comes out and he looks super hot and really sad and I have to remind myself that he dodged a bullet with Queen Emily and unintelligible Little Ricki.  We learn that Arie was so upset after he got dumped by Emily that he flew to North Carolina to see her...but he chickened out.  So, he did what every guy in his position would do.  He left his journal on Emily's doorstep.  I'm so confused.  These are grown men we're talking about that have lived in the real world and have had real relationships.  Why do they think it's socially acceptable to journal...let alone give a girl their journal?  But to add salt in the wound, fucking Emily brings the journal back in a sealed envelope and says she didn't read it....because....it wouldn't have been fair to Jef.  Um, that's like a triple burn.  And I could respect her decision, but then Arie references how when they talked on the phone while he was in Charlotte, she told him to leave the journal on her doorstep.  He basically calls her out on the fact that she shouldn't have asked him to do that if she was never going to read it anyway.  Go Arie, go go go Arie!

Em says she needs to learn to be more direct.

Please God, Please..if you do exist, can you please please please make it so that Emily one day walks in on Arie and Jef in bed together?!  Maybe that was what was in his journal that he wanted her to see!  This whole not reading the journal that contains the truth is like a super bad episode of Downton Abbey.

Then comes my least favorite part of the After the Final Rose.  The whole watching the couple gush about how in love they are.  Was it just me or did Chris Harrison have that classic gritted teeth look on his face?  You know the one...where you have to pretend you're all happy for someone, but you're actually totally annoyed by them.  Other observations:

Jef looked super orange.

The BLOW OFF's good friend Ross once told me that if a guy refers to his girlfriend or wife as his best friend way too often, it means he's probably gay.  There was much best friend talk between Jefily.

Jef and Em claim they have been seeing each other every weekend, but Jef lets slip that he's only spent ONE weekend with Little Ricki (did anyone else catch that)?

Jef and Em are going to Africa together to build wells.   Um, is McFly gonna pay for her hair and make up people to come too or what?

Jef is going to be moving to Charlotte (where they will be living separately).  HAHAHAHAHA.  Remember how Hood Rat told him she'd be happy to move to Utah.  Bitch lied!

When Harrison asks them about wedding plans, they said they don't have anything set in stone...except that the wedding would be in Charleston. When Emily adds that she wants a spring wedding, this was the look on Jef's face:
ENOUGH SAID.



Monday, July 23, 2012

THE when to cut bait BLOW OFF

A lot of things go into deciding whether you should break up with a person. And the longer you've been together and the more time you've already invested in the relationship, the harder you probably want to try to make things work. We at the BLOW OFF are all for that. But if you are contemplating whether you and your significant other need to cut bait-- well, here's a helpful list to go by. If you answer YES to just one of the below questions, then you may want to take a good hard look at things. Please note, I'm not an expert or a therapist. I just a girl with a blog. There's millions of us.

10. When you're having sex with your significant other, do you have a tendency to leave your body and pass the time by contemplating what the fuck is really wrong with Ramona from the Real Housewives of New York?

9. Would you rather get a paper cut on your penis and/or vagina than see your significant other naked?

8. Do you have fantasies about your significant other dying so that people will feel sorry for you AND you can avoid the uncomfortable break up conversation?

7. Are you fucking someone else?

6. When you think of spending the rest of your life with your significant other, do you go temporarily blind and then suffer an epileptic fit while foaming at the mouth?

5. Your phone rings. It's your significant other calling. Is the ring tone the song You Can Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac?

4. Whenever you wish upon a star, blow on a dandelion, or throw a penny in a fountain...do you wish that your significant other will get the hint and break up with you?

3. Are you currently sending bribes to your significant other's boss so that they will transfer him to their corporate offices across the country so that you can use the whole "long distance relationships don't work" excuse?

2. Are you seriously considering converting to Scientology so you can "disconnect" from your significant other...even if means living the rest of your days as a sea org on some cruise ship in the Caribbean?

1. As you read this, are you sneaking Ricin into your pasta sauce so you can poison your significant other and make their death look like an accident so people will feel sorry for you AND you can avoid the uncomfortable break up conversation?

Friday, July 20, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day La Cienega Just Smiled by Ryan Adams

One of my favorite break up songs ever.


I hold you close in the back of my mind
It feels so good, but damn it makes me hurt
I'm too scared to know how to feel about you now
La Cienega just smiles and says "I'll see you around."
-Ryan Adams, 2001

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The My Boyfriend Went To Rehab BLOW OFF, Part 2

For those of you that missed part one of my story, you can click here to get the full enchilada--- or, here are the cliff's notes. Dated a guy, he broke up with me and he went to rehab for the most ridiculous reason ever... RITALIN.  It'd be more respectable if he just wanted to spend a month in Malibu and used rehab as an excuse for vacation. There. We're all caught up.

After excessive amounts of drinking, sobbing, and overanalyzing I finally got over our break up....or as best as we fool ourselves into thinking that we can ever get over a break up. He never called, texted, or emailed after he sent me the initial text that he was "checking in"and I figured I'd never hear from him again. I moved on and dated other people. Even though my heart wasn't really into any of them, at least I was putting myself out there. Fast forward to a little over a year later. I had reached the point a few months prior where I didn't think about him on a regular basis at all. That's how it always starts, right? I get a call from a number I didn't recognize and an area code that was definitely not from California. I never answer numbers that aren't plugged into the contacts on my phone. In fact, I have to routinely go through my phone to delete people's numbers. Nothing makes you feel like a whore like going through your address book on your phone and erasing all of the contacts that start with a guy's first name and instead of a last name listing the club that you met them at. But that's another story. Definitely letting this one go to voicemail I thought. I listen to the message and it's my ex! I was in complete shock. It was basically a "hey it's 'x' call me back message.

I don't remember exactly what he said and I wish I did so I could tell you. There was no urgency in his voice, no I'm on step number nine and need to make amends for how I treated you, nada. But, as I never learn my lesson, after debating for a few hours I called him back as he'd requested. It was pretty anti-climactic. He was talking about what was going on with him and how he had been at another facility in Arizona. Another one? First off why did you leave the first? Did they kick you out because they felt like criminals for taking your money for an addiction to something procured at CVS? I had to stifle my smug thoughts and laughter. He was in sober living...OK...and here's the BEST part...his new job. I assumed that his program forced him to retain some type of employment for the purpose of having structure and a daily routine. He was a Vanderbilt graduate and now...his job was to collect the shopping carts outside of WalMart. I had no idea that was even a job. Yes, maybe part of an employee's job...but the whole thing? $160,000 on an education and you aren't even qualified to work inside the store? He had no history of theft or a criminal record of any kind so there's no reason he should have this specific job. As Johnny Drama from Entourage would say, VICTORY! I totally won. And don't even pretend that there isn't a winner and loser in every break up, because that's bullshit and we all know it.

Sorry about it (to quote him). My life may not be perfect but I'm not in my late twenties with a bachelor's degree pushing shopping carts for minimum wage. Lesson learned...even if someone blows you off, sometimes you're better off. I'm not sure if I actually believed that until I was in this situation, but now I do. Thank you Boy X. From the bottom of my non-drug addicted heart. Namaste.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

the bachelorette MEN TELL ALL: top ten best moments


Since the Men Tell All is a total B.S. filler episode, we just don't think it's deserving of a long, well thought out recap.  So, instead, we'll spare everyone by just writing up the top ten list of the best moments from the episode.  Sadly, Party MC's flavor saver did not make the list.


10.  Two words: Chris. Harrison.  The men tell all episode just wouldn't be the same without those cutaways to Harrison every five minutes, who pretty much looks like he wants to tie all the guys up, cut off their balls, spray paint them silver, and sell them on Etsy as Christmas ornaments.  Seriously, though.  You know you're dealing with a group of douche bags when Harrison comes off as the least offensive, most rational, eligible bachelor of all.   I'm willing to bet that after the twelve hours it took to tape this episode, he went home, drank a glass of scotch and congratulated himself for hosting one of the most tired reality TV franchises instead of being one of the losers that's actually a contestant on the show.  I mean, did you see how much he relished telling Roid-rage Ryan that he would NEVER be the bachelor?  Also, Harrison has more chemistry with Queen Emily than the 25 bachelors combined.  He's totally gone down on hood rat at least twice.

9.  Tony getting up to give Emily a hug when she came out on stage.  Um, what?  Get out of here, Tony.  You left like three episodes in.  You were way too into Kermit the Frog and Queen Emily practically pushed you out the door to go back to your son.  How dare you think you're significant enough to be the guy that gives Emily a hug when she walks out?!  Clearly, being on the Bachelor Pad has gone straight to your head.

8.  Anytime Sean speaks.  Seriously.  I know ABC is going after Roberto to be the next bachelor, but he was so four seasons ago....and he sweats a lot.  I get that Sean is super boring, but the ladies in the audience practically had simultaneous orgasms any time the man opened his mouth.  My favorite thing about Sean is that when he speaks, I can almost believe that I'm watching a very thoughtful, serious show on PBS exploring the highs and lows of relationships.  Also, I think it's really cute that his mom told him it was good for him to get his heart broken.  How do I get her to write an advice column for the blow off?!

7. When Polish, bobble-head Chris found a way to relate his dead friends to his experience on the Bachelorette and how it all means life is short.  He totally got choked up and you guys know how much I love it when dudes cry.  I can't believe the guy had dead friends and he never used them to gain sympathy points with Emily!  This is a woman whose dead fiance made her America's Reality TV sweetheart.  She would have been all about it!  Honestly, where were all the dead relatives in this season??   No one had a dead anybody.  Ben F had a dead dad.  Chris L had a dead mom.  It's a total rip off when no one talks about being sad over the tragic death of someone they love!  I want symbolic rainbows and hummingbirds, ABC!

6.  The evolution of Kalon's face.  The guy needs to stop with the collagen and botox injections.  He's about two false moves away from becoming Bruce Jenner.

5.  That really awful clip of Emily and Travis singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star to Shelly the egg.  This scene was such a tease, because again I was hoping that the egg would crack and a baby dragon would emerge and Emily would get naked and curl up in the fire place while screaming about having dragon blood.  If you don't watch Game of Thrones, the above sentence means nothing to you.

4.  The Bachelor Pad promo.  As though this show isn't skeezy and gross enough, ABC has decided to throw in "super fans" to compete against former bachelor contestants for $250,000.  Hmmmm...let me get this straight.  So, they're going to throw in a bunch of people I don't know to compete against a bunch of other people I don't know for money?  Sounds like a genius idea.  I LOVE how the former bachelor people are appalled that these nobodies are going to be on the show.  Pot, meet Kettle.   Despite my sorrow for not being invited to compete as a super fan, I might actually have to watch this show.  I need to know how Lindze and serial killer Kalon hook up.  I also want to know the identity of the third woman bobble headed Chris makes out with (who I can't believe I ever thought was the front-runner, he's clearly a douche from watching the clips), and finally I really need to know if Blakely wins the $250K and leaves the Bunny Ranch once and for all.

3. RYAN.  Watching Ryan get interviewed by Chris Harrison really made me wish that the guy had made it to the bottom two.  I'm not being ironic.  He's so entertaining.  Just think about how fun it would have been to meet his family.  The man is like a freaking messiah.  If you are reading this and you happen to be a Christian evangelist with your own public access cable show, I highly recommend hiring Ryan as a televangelist preacher.   In honor of Ryan, every time I see a fat person I'm going to tell them I wouldn't love on them.

2.  The guys that have no business even being on the Men Tell All show and don't utter a single word the entire time, because most of them got kicked off in the first two episodes and we don't even know who they are.  Yes, this means you: JOE, NATE, AARON, and the guy who dressed up like a grandma when he met Emily.  I was a little disappointed we didn't get to see Brent, the 40 year old from Fresno with six kids again.  HOLD UP: someone start a facebook fan page for Brent to be the next bachelor!

1. White Trash, backwoods, hood rat, west Virginia made yet another appearance!  First of all, Em thinks it's wrong to take three guys into fantasy suites to fuck them, but that it's okay to constantly say FUCK on national television?  Oh no she didn't!  Where is the logic in that?  How is that setting a good example for Little Ricki?  And how awesome is it every time she tells Kalon off?  ABC should have a new reality show where Kalon and Emily and Little Ricki all have to live together in a glass house and we get to watch Emily constantly tell Kalon he's awful, while Kalon stutters, and Little Ricki makes a face to the camera and mimes shooting herself in the head.  I'm not gonna lie, every time Emily tells Kalon he's a piece of shit, I kind of start to like her.  And it's not even because I hate Kalon that much.  It's because I love the trailer park side of her.  The best part was when she called Kalon out on his tweets about her and Kalon said he was flattered she was following him on Twitter.

Anyway, I can't wait to watch the finale next Sunday.  I predict that Jef is the winner, but that he and Emily do not get engaged.  Although, Arie has a bunch of tweets about how beautiful Emily is and I'm not sure he would do that if she didn't pick him.  I'm so confused!  What do you guys think is going to happen???

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Is It Ever A Good Idea To Revisit Your Past?

I will admit.  Sometimes I suck at boy stuff.  I'm really bad at letting things happen naturally and just allowing them to run their course. Nine times out of ten I try to manipulate a situation to insure the outcome that I want. Fact: this has NEVER worked.  Not once.  It always ends up blowing up in my face. Yet I still continue to do it.  I think I need to take a look at the sayings they use in AA. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." and that whole God grant me serenity for the things I cannot change... I've never been to AA but they seem to know what they are talking about. I'm also a fan of their serenity prayer and they usually have hot guys standing outside of the Robertson Blvd location (you Angelenos know what I'm talking about) and it's cheaper than buying a copy of The Secret or going to therapy.

Anyway, sometimes when things don't work out with a new guy I'm talking to, I like to go back in time. Try and see what's going on with guys that I have had something with in the past that didn't work out. Why, I don't know.  If it didn't work out then there's no logical reason why it should work now. Sure there's timing. But again if something is meant to be it's meant to be and I shouldn't manipulate it, right?

I (very recently) did this when I realized that the person was no longer attached. I was really nervous as it had been a long time but what could a friendly drink hurt? I had a much better time than I thought and now I'm even more confused.  So, is it a good idea to go back to your past? Does it stop us from moving forward? For me, the jury's still out. What do you think?  Comment below.

Monday, July 16, 2012

the BLOW OFF has good news & bad news

The good news is: I got a jobby-job!  After doing the freelance writing thing for the last two + years, starting today I get to be a staff writer on the new FOX comedy, The Goodwin Games.  Woot woot!  For those of you that have been following this blog for awhile, you know this is dream job territory for me.  Especially since this show was created by the same guys behind...wait for it...How I Met Your Mother.

The bad news is-- I will probably have less time to blog.  But I'm going to do my best to bring you guys new BLOW OFF content as often as possible.  And let's not forget, this blog was never about me.  It's about you and your shitty break up stories.  Don't be afraid to send them to me at: theblowoffwtf@gmail.com

In the meantime, get excited for your new favorite TV show.  The series will be on the air 2013.  Check out the trailer and for all you TJ Miller fans, he will be replacing Jake Lacy in the role of "Jimmy."

Friday, July 13, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Hands Clean by Alanis Morissette

Dedicated to all the girls who've loved someone that was already spoken for.



Ooh this could get messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
No one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
and you've washed your hands clean of this.

-Alanis Morissette, 2002

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The My Boyfriend Went To Rehab BLOW OFF


Yes, I live in Los Angeles. Yes, it is considered normal to know at least one person that's currently working through their issues while staying in Malibu, getting daily massages and eating a well prepared macrobiotic diet- or at least in the hospital for exhaustion. But this isn't the typical "my boyfriend has issues" story. I'm a woman. All women think we can help guys with their problems. We think that our caring nature can bring them back from the edge...but what if they don't have real problems?

A few years ago I was totally into this guy. He was really hot and I was on a mission to make him mine. We started sleeping together and I thought it was in the bag. Sure, he'd told me he had a variety of emotional issues (we went to the same psychiatrist- completely by coincidence), but I egotistically thought that he would change his mind and magically be fixed by being with me. Long story short, we ended up in a relationship and I thought I was the shit for successfully turning casual sex into a relationship. Not so fast there...

About two months in, I'm taking a nap and I get a phone call. He tells me he can't be in a relationship and hangs up. WTF, right? I call back. No answer. I text. No answer. What a pussy. After drowning my sorrows in more than a few vodka sodas over the next few weeks on girls nights out I started to make my peace with the situation. If only the story ended there. I broke down. I texted him just to see how he was doing. As if any girl has ever texted a guy to just find out how he is. I was secretly hoping he would say he missed me or he made a mistake or at least respond to give me some closure. Well, he responded and I kind of wish he hadn't. His reply to my informal question? "Hey babe, I'm checking into rehab. Sorry about it." I was immediately hooked and couldn't resist finding out more information. He rarely drank so he wasn't an alcoholic. He was way too preppy to be doing heroine and didn't have enough money to support a cocaine habit. After some Girl With The Dragon Tattoo style sleuthing I found out that he checked into rehab, that was $30,000 a month, mind you (he didn't have money but his family did), for an addiction to RITALIN. Are you fucking kidding me? Who in god's name spends that kind of money to kick an addiction to Ritalin? Yes, I get it. It's an amphetamine, but can't you just break it in half and ween yourself off??

Since all of my friends were aware he had gone to rehab, through many nights of sobbing and over analyzing every moment of our short relationship and where I must've gone wrong, I got follow up questions. "Did you ever find out what happened?" "What's the scoop on Boy X". And then I did it. I LIED. How could I tell people that respect me that I dated someone who went to rehab for something that half of American teenagers are prescribed on a daily basis? As I feel like this said much more about me than it did about him, I made up countless stories about him having some sort of problem with harder drugs and a "close call" one night. And you know what? I'm not sorry. I hope HE lied about why he was in rehab to the other patients! Can you imagine being around a group of people that are really detoxing and then saying that you take too much Ritalin? If he didn't lie, I hope some musician heroine junkie beat the shit out of him.

Regardless of the fact that this guy was not a drug addict and probably needed to be in a facility for just his mental problems, it made me feel better about the break up. And at least I have a cool story to tell now...even if some of it is a lie.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 9

GROSS!
Everytime anyone said "Curacao" (Cur-a-sow) on this week's episode, I thought they were saying Kurosawa and that they were all actually in Japan filming the sequel to Roshomon.  Seriously, Curacao-- if you're reading this, I think you should be pronounced Cur-a Ka.  It sounds much more tropical and beachy.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way....let's discuss the most disappointing fantasy date episode of any bachelorette season.

The show begins with Queen Emily--after hours of hair and make up-- walking on the beach and contemplating whether or not she should let any penises into her royal vagina.  We get yet another recap on the remaining three guys.  The best thing Sean has going for him is that he would be a good dad.  BUT that pales in comparison to Jef who has good style and edge.  HOLD UP.  What kind of world are we living in that Jef has edge?  The edgiest thing about him is that he dropped the second F in his name.  He looks twelve, I don't understand.  She keeps saying that no one else makes her laugh like Jef.  Well, guess what?  No one else makes me laugh like Jesse, Ross, and Karl, three of my favorite gay men.  For some weird reason she starts crying when she talks about Arie, even though Gay McFly is clearly the front-runner.  Let's get real here, folks.  Arie is prime Bachelor real estate.  No way is ABC letting Emily end up with him.

The MOST shocking part of this episode was when Emily spelled her name in the sand.  I wasn't prepared for this.  I honestly thought the girl was illiterate, but she knows how to spell her own name, in sand no less.  She then proceeds to say all the same shit we always hear at this point in the season: I never thought I'd feel this strongly about three guys.  One of these men is my husband.  Blah, blah.  Next week, we'll get lots of "I'm in love with two men."

Side note: I really want to see the movie Hope Springs for some reason.

So...Em's first fantasy suite date is with Aryan Nation red-faced Sean.  Which means he just scored the cleanest vagina!  He gets to tap that before Jef and Arie do. That's not the only thing he scored.  He also got the first helicopter ride of the season.  Clearly, the show is spending all their money on Emily's wardrobe, because this is the only helicopter they were willing to spring for.  I guess in these hard economic times, these are the sacrifices we have to make. Fucking Obamacare (um, you know I'm kidding and would give Obama my final rose).  Anyway, the big issue here with Sean is that he's the only sane rational man that hasn't told Emily he loves her and apparently that's a deal breaker for her.  They take the heli to some private island where there's no swim up bar and Hood Rat basically peer pressures him to say "i love you" but he smoothly evades with the oldest trick in the book: "I forgot what I was going to say."  We find out that Sean's past girlfriends have all been more like buddies.  Here's the deal.  By the end of this episode, I nearly left my husband for Sean-- but at this point, I just felt like he seemed a little immature.  He has a hard time putting sentences together and he blushes too much and he still acts all star struck around Em.  I feel like he's probably only had sex with one person in his life and still plays video games and watches Saturday Morning Cartoons.  They go for a swim and we're subjected to Emily's humongous rack.  Are those things for real?  I'm not sure, but I don't remember them being that HUGE in Womack's season.  Luckily, they are a little saggy so there.

Dinner time!  Sean finally realizes that if he does not tell Emily he loves her, he's going to get sent home.  And not only does he bloat her ego even more by telling saying the L word, but he also reads the sweetest letter to Little Ricki.  Weirdly enough, I actually feel like when Sean talks about Little Ricki, it's not a ploy and he's being genuine.  With Jef, I feel like he knows Little Ricki is his ace in the hole.  And with Arie, well, I seriously think Arie forgets Little Ricki even exists some time.  Plus, Sean always shows respect for the Late Big Ricky.  I'm pretty sure that in twenty years when Little Ricki has been reeling from her stepdad coming out of the closet, she's going to watch this episode and seriously resent her mother for depriving her of what could have been the best dad in the world.  The kind of dad that would play video games with her and watch The Smurfs.  Sadly, Sean doesn't realize this, but the  the first time Little Ricky hears his letter, she'll be a twenty-six year old stripper living in a trailer park.

Um, okay.  Per usual, Chris Harrison painstakingly wrote out three fantasy date cards, but they were a serious waste of his valuable time, because Em won't let Semi-Virgin spend the night with her!  First of all, her and Sean's fantasy suite was totally ghetto.  They get in the hot tub together, make out, and then she kicks him out.  All because she's trying to set a good example for Little Ricki.  Wait.  Is she seriously going to get engaged to someone without boning them first?  That is really irresponsible.  And honestly, it's a little late to worry about setting a good example for Little Ricki.  That ship sailed when Queen Em agreed to do a reality show where she spent months away from her daughter to date 25 douche bags.  Sigh.  I feel so bad for Little ghetto-fabulous Ricki.  I'm totally going to find a way to sue for custody.

The second lame fantasy suite date is with Gay McFly.  Okay, I'll admit.  He's starting to look a little more attractive to me, but I would have never thought after that uber-cheesy skateboard entrance he would make it this far.  And he still looks like he's about ten years younger than Hood Rat West Virginia.  Maybe his boyish charm reminds her of Big Ricky.  I don't know.  I'm grasping at straws here people.

Side note: Sometimes I get really sad about big Ricky dying.  I'm not kidding.  What happened to that family is so seriously tragic and it just upsets me that his parents now have to see Emily try to find love on a reality show.  It just isn't right.

I honestly don't even remember much about Emily and Jef's daytime date.  I know they got on some boat.  Maybe went snorkeling?  I know he tells her that his parents want to meet her after all this.  Honestly, is this guy really considering proposing to a woman that his parents have never ever met?!  Poor Jef.  If his parents can't accept him dating someone he met on a reality TV show, then they are never going to accept him when he finally comes out of the closet.  Mormons are the worst!   The best part of all of this is when McFly asks Emily if she thinks he'd be a good dad to Little Ricki.  Guess what this bitch answers?  Yes, because she saw him playing with the kids at the playground.  WHAT?!?! Do you guys remember how she put Womack through the ringer on his season about how being a dad is hard and it's a huge responsibility and it's not fun and easy all the time and blah blah blah?  Is it just me or has she been super lax with all these dudes about what it would mean to raise Little Ricki?   Oh, and I can't remember if this conversation happened during the day, but Em is way too willing and eager to move to Salt Lake Shitty.  Didn't she already move her poor daughter to Austin for awhile when she was dating Brad?  And how could Em just abandon her mom posse like that?

Also, I can't stand Jef because he says things like "I can see the masterpiece that is being painted."

The best part about the dinner date with Jef is that is suddenly seems like he's The Bachelor and Em is the contestant.  Maybe this is secretly his way about auditioning to be the bachelor, but he starts grilling her about all her failed relationships and she gives some lame excuse as to why they didn't work out which didn't include the following: none of the guys wanted to deal with Little Ricki's giggles and that they all found Queen Emily snoozefest boring.  And then Emily says that last time when she was home with Little Ricki she pictured Jef with them.  Um, game over.  Jef just won.  Let's end this horrible show right now, please!

Then, Emily presents Jef with Chris Harrison's super creepy fantasy suite date invite.  Super sly McFly totally beats Emily to the punch and rejects the fantasy date card, because of their families (i.e. MORMONS 4-EVA).  Em's last minute prudish-ness is basically the best thing that could have happened to Jef.  I took him out of my bracket after fantasy suite night, because I figured his lack of erection would be a red flag for Emily and she would send him home.  And now that he's dodged that bullet, he's totally gonna win this game for reals.

Further proof that Jef is gay:  Only a gay man pretending to be straight would say things like "bridle the passion."

I find it kind of hard to believe that Emily really isn't going to have sex with any of these guys.  Do you think this was just part of her clause with ABC and once the cameras turned off all three guys showed up to her fantasy suite along with Chris Harrison and that producer Cassie Lambert and they all had a serious orgy, except Jef kept trying to slip off with Arie?  Or do you at least think Emily remembered to pack her vibrator?

Arie gets the last fantasy suite date and he's still not looking very hot to me.  Apparently, whenever Big Ricky 2.0 and Emily are together, they make out a lot.  So, that's pretty much all they do on their day date.  Then, they end up swimming with these poor adorable dolphins who are far too intelligent to be props on some terrible reality TV show with a hood rat backwoods West Virginia girl.  Also, is it just me or does Emily look like she got some serious botox between her dates with Arie and Jef?  Her face looks way more plastic and frozen than it did before the commercial break.  I mean, the woman can't even cry.  All she does is make super repetitive sniffle sounds.

At dinner, the conversation between Emily and Arie gets real and deep.  Like...for example...Arie tells her what he does on an average Tuesday.  This is basically the kind of discussion you have on a first date.  Or a first text exchange.  I can't believe they're talking about shit this surface and mundane.  Then Arie starts saying how the best thing to do with a kid is to be their buddy first, blah blah and Em is like totally mesmerized by this pretty sub-standard philosophy.  I'm sorry, but if that shit came out of Brad Womack's mouth a year ago, she would tell him that he's not ready to be a father.  Em doesn't even bother giving Arie the fantasy suite date card, because he's so hot that she doesn't trust herself in a fantasy suite with him.  WHAT?  Come on!  There are cameras around the whole time until she sends him home.  She's totally afraid she'll end up making an amateur porn with Arie!  And that's pretty much what we get in that weird closing scene of Arie kissing Emily and dry humping her hair with his hand.

For reals though, how disappointed do you think Arie and Sean were that they didn't get laid in Curacao?  I mean, they suffered through all this, and they don't get to hump Queen Emily?  Were they warned about going in?  That's like, breach of contract right there.

After Emily's date with Arie ends, I'm seriously shocked because it's only 930pm and that means there are thirty more minutes left before Emily actually gives the last two roses.  WHAT.  THE.  FUCK.   Basically, Emily and all her dates are so freaking boring that the producers needed some serious filler for the end of the show.  Here's what those assholes made us sit through:

Emily wearing that weird fake ponytail that looks like a tassel and some sparkly skirt with a wife-beater.

Emily crying (AKA making sniffling sounds while her face stays frozen) to Chris Harrison about how she doesn't want to hurt anyone.

Emily feeling super sorry for herself during an on camera interview.  No, she's not crying about the 17,000 people dead in Syria.  She makes it seems like she's sad about sending someone home, but what she's really sad about is that in two weeks, this show ends.  That means, no more hair and make up, no more feeling like the "talent", and going back to po-dunk Charlotte and dealing with Little Ricki's bull shit.

Then, to fill up more time, the show forces Emily to watch three taped pieces of her remaining dudes telling her how much they love her.  She literally looks like she's holding back diarrhea in her mouth when she watches Sean's taped piece, which is just further evidence that she's going to send him home.

FINALLY, after all this, we arrive at the rose ceremony where Sean and Arie are still getting over an acute case of blue balls.  But not Jef, because he found an adorable Caribbean cabana boy to unbridle his passion.  After handing out roses, the last two men standing are Arie and Jef, which means Sean has to take some time to say his good byes.

Listen, I know a lot of you were shocked by Sean getting the boot, but I wasn't.  And not just because I read about it on Reality Steve.  Emily has shitty taste in guys.  Sean was hot, sweet, had a great family and he would have been the best dad for Little Who Cares.  BUT, he had no edge and he's way less rich than Arie and McFly.  This is a girl whose first love was loaded and whose life has been totally bank rolled by his parents.  She's not going to marry an insurance agent.  I felt awful for Sean when he left the show, because he ended up having to comfort Hood Rat while she went into the ugly frozen cry. He was super sweet and thoughtful and sad in his exit interview and it totally tugged at my heart strings, but he's WAY better off not ending up with Emily.  Trust.  It's just too bad that he didn't even get a little bit of sex out of it.  I'm pretty sure KCB or Nikki from Ben F's season will be all up in his grill.

Anyway.  Don't forget to watch on Sunday, July 22nd as Emily decides to spend the rest of her life with Gay McFly.  The promos show her going through some sort of freak out where Chris Harrison gets all melodramatic and says "then, you're done with all this" or some shit like that.  Some of you think this means she picks no one.  Some of you think this means she regrets letting Sean go.  I think it just means she tells both men she's not ready to get engaged (um, pretty much a win-win for the guys), And that she'll ultimately still end up with McGay.  I mean McFly.  But they'll just what?  Decide to have an LDR?  Fuck that.  As for Sean-- well, he's really the one that got screwed, not Polish Chris who got eliminated last week, because it turns out, he did snag a spot on the Bachelor Pad.  Sean didn't get laid.  Sean put his family on TV.  Sean got eliminated too late to get on The Bachelor Pad.  Sean got eliminated too soon to be the next Bachelor.  Somebody please throw this guy a bone and give him Chris Harrison's job or let him be Little Ricky's adoptive father.  She can ditch Em and move to Dallas and be besties with Little Kensington.  And when they become meth-loving teenagers they can plot Emily's murder together.  Okay.  That was probably taking things a tad far.  But like, honestly, if they were gonna plot her murder...I'm hoping it would be death by botox or country music or sparkly dresses.  

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

the crazy wedding addiction & the disappearing divorce stigma

I don't know how often people actually read the comments section on blogs, but we get a lot of genius insights from readers at the BLOW OFF.  And we've decided that when we get a really good one, it'll get it's very own blog post.

The one below came from one of the best bosses I've ever had.  Back in high school and college, I worked at the famous Cafe Adria in San Jose, CA.  The owner was (and still is) super hot and confident and I think I picked up some great flirting skills by watching her talk to the customers.  And she even trusted me to open and close the cafe.  In the worst mistake of my career, I once accidentally slept in 'til 8am when I was supposed to open the cafe doors at 6am.  Did I mention it was on the same day her live-in boyfriend was moving out of her apartment?  Anyway.  She was kind enough to share her wisdom on our Why Do People Get Married So Young post.  So well said:

Sara, I couldn't agree more! There are a couple of things I'd like to add. Marriage is no longer viewed as a life-long commitment and those who divorce no longer are looked down on or made to feel embarrassed or like a failure. As is the current housing market with foreclosures & short sales; what used to be seen as a huge embarrassment and a personal failure is now viewed as common practice. As much as divorce no longer carries a stigma with it, it sure would be nice to see couples enter into marriage with the hindsight that being in your 30s or 40s can provide. I personally found that marriage is not an answer to anything. My commitment to my partner goes deeper and has more value than any government certificate can provide. But that's a whole different subject.

Another thing I'd like to add is all the ridiculous attention given to brides prior and during the wedding ceremony. Most young women today are starved for attention, and what better way to feed their addiction than by the wedding ceremony itself. The need to feel like a princess outweighs the reality of what it takes to have a successful partnership, when it should be the other way around. I myself congratulate all the couples on their wedding day, because it's the proper thing to do. However, what I really want to say is "best of luck" and give them my sincere congrats once they're able to celebrate their 10-year anniversary. Achieving this is the big accomplishment, unlike the big party sponsored/financed by their parents. It's my opinion that "not for life, but for now" with no consequences for failure makes getting married just another fun thing to do.

 We haven't really talked about divorce that much on this site even though it is the ultimate in BLOW OFFs.  Mostly because none of our regular contributors have been through it.  But I so agree with the above comment: divorce stigma has def decreased over time.  I'm sure a lot of people go into a marriage thinking, "if it doesn't work out, we'll just get divorced."  I've attended at least five weddings where the couples are no longer together anymore.  One of those couples got divorced just a little over a year after the wedding.  When the H-bomb and I asked the groom what happened, he said they had some problems they couldn't work out and decided to "cut their losses."  I'm not gonna lie, I was a little peeved we made the trip to the wedding.

I also totally agree with the whole starved for attention wedding phenomenon.  Even when you try to not get caught up in it, it's so easy to get swept away in all the planning and events leading up to the wedding (guilty as charged).  It's the worst.  However, maybe sometimes throwing a big wedding and proclaiming your love in front of everyone does raise the commitment stakes-- unless you're Kim Kardashian, you don't necessarily want to spend all that $$ and drag all your friends and family to celebrate, only to file for divorce two months later.  A friend once described a wedding to me as a "launch party" and I thought that was a really good analogy.

Maybe like our loyal reader said, weddings should just be small and intimate and the giant "let's celebrate our love" ceremony should come ten years later...if you're still together.  What do you guys think?   Comment below.

Monday, July 9, 2012

the "you kissed my sister" BLOW OFF

Um, this is pretty much one of my best BLOW OFF stories, but I've never posted it in detail mostly because as you can tell from the title-- it involves my sister.  But now it's all water under the bridge and one of our favorite things to laugh about, so with her permission: I'm posting this shit.

Before I do, I'd like to preface it by saying, my sister is the best sister in the world.  Seriously, folks.  She's amaze-balls.  We have been through everything together.  And she's helped me through every single one of my break ups.  Not to mention, the girl partied 'til the wee hours of the night at my bachelorette party even though she was 8 months pregnant.  That's love and devotion.  My sister and I are two peas in a pod.  We sound exactly alike.  We share a lot of the same good qualities and a lot of the same bad ones.  She's taken care of me all my life.  Basically, not to brag-- but if we had our own reality show, Oprah would be interviewing us and NOT the Kardashians.  But like all sisters we do fight and this BLOW OFF is about the biggest fight we've ever had.

It all took place when we were both living in New York.  We were out on the town one night and my sister's old roommate brought her high school friend along (let's call him DEVON) and he was tall and goofy and sarcastic, so of course I developed a crush.  Plus, he was really forward and kept talking about my booty-- which in the overall scheme of things kind of cured my big butt complex.  He had recently moved to New York and after that night we all hung out again a few times.   Here's an example of what I like to call "Devon's got game".  Devon, totally straight-faced, tells my sister "I want to bang your little sister."  It's the kind of crass language us ladies secretly LOVE.  Plus, when you've lived your whole life in the "cute" category, this kind of attention is about as rare as unicorns.

I don't know how much time passed between him making his intentions clear and the first time we made out.  But somewhere along the way, Devon and my sister ended up becoming really good friends.  And I think they both developed crushes on each other they never told me about.  Devon and I hooked up for what would be the last time after my sister's going away party (she was moving back to California).  At this point, I wasn't really feeling things with him.  A few nights later, I go out for drinks with my sister and she tells me she just heard that Devon got fired from his job (or quit?) and was leaving NY (or did I tell her, can't remember?).   That's when I told her about our final hook up post-going away party and she confesses that AT her going away party--- while I was in the bathroom or something-- Devon kissed her.

In hindsight, I totally overreacted.  I stormed out of the bar and immediately called him and left him a voicemail message that just said "I can't believe you kissed my sister!"  He called me a couple times to apologize, but I never answered or called him back.  It took me about three days to completely forgive my sister on her last day in New York.  I've never seen my sis feel so bad about anything and looking back on it, I wish I didn't give her such a hard time.  But I'm sort of glad it happened, because for whatever reason, we think it's really funny. Especially when years later, I got this friend request from DEVON.  And now we're totally Facebook besties.  Even though I will NEVER forgive him for kissing my sister.:


Friday, July 6, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Oh L'amour by Erasure



No emotional ties
You don't remember my name
I lay down and die
I'm only to blame
Oh love of my heart
It's up to you now
You tore me apart
I hurt inside-out

Oh l'amour
Broke my heart
Now I'm aching for you
Mon amour
What's a boy in love
Supposed to do
-Erasure, 1986

Thursday, July 5, 2012

glossary of a BLOW OFF: 2012 summer dating terms from a dude

I went to my most trusted twenty-three year old male source to bring you guys some hip new dating terms all the young people are saying.  Let's all try to use these in a sentence today at least ten times so we can commit them to memory.  My comments in italics.  

He's wified up-  this means your buddy got himself a girl and he's in deep.
 SO, I'm guessing the female version of this would be "she's hubbied up".  OMG, I'm so using that all the time. 

Tig Ol' Bitties- stacked rack.
Which in case you are really, really, old-- a stacked rack means big boobs.  OMG.  I just got it.  Tig Ol Bitties = Big Ol' Titties.  hahahahaha.  That's genius.  So, if we're applying this one to a guy it would be dig ol' bick. or kig ol' bock.  You guys decide.  

Certified Bad One- this female is a dime piece.
 I had to go back and ask my source what a "dime piece" is.  Yes. this is what happens when you stop watching MTV and start watching BRAVO.  I felt like a big idiot when he told me it's a girl that's a 10.  Duh!

In There like Swimwear- dude you're golden. you've got this female in the bag.
This might be my favorite one, but I think it should be more like "you're in there like a tampon."  I know it doesn't rhyme.  Maybe you're in there like period wear? 

Cheaters- those huge shades chics wear that hide their entire face and make them look automatically attractive.
Shit.  I wear these.  And they do make me prettier.  I'm a cheater!!!! But it's cool, cause they take me from already being a certified bad one to a certified badder one.  

She's Beat- this female was potentially attractive once, but has taken so much male genitalia over her lifetime that her beauty is a distant memory.
Wait, I'm confused.  Is her face beat or her vagina beat?  Or both?  Or does her face now look like a vagina and her vagina looks like a face?  Discuss.  Also, um-- this is not really new slang. 

She's Buck- this girl is buck nasty.  Unlike her beat colleague, she was never pretty. ever.
I would like to improve upon this one for us ladies.  When we see a guy that fits this description, let's call him an Uncle Buck.  

Slump Buster- Okay, this one I actually heard on the second episode on that new Charlie Sheen sitcom.  It's what happens when a sports player is going through a bad playing streak and they have to have sex with an ugly girl to break it.
I think we can also apply this to any of our dry spells.  I've definitely been with one or two slump busters in my day.  If you're reading this and I've hooked up with you, then yes, you were nothing but a slump buster.



Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy Co-Dependence Day!

Okay, I know it's actually independence day and you guys are all getting drunk and eating meat and getting pumped for the fireworks and only two of you are reading this post--- but I think the three of us need to take a moment to celebrate those of us with co-dependency issues.

I kind of feel for people who are co-dependent.  I used to think that some people were just really lucky in love and that's why they were constantly jumping from relationship to relationship...but then I realized some of their significant others were actually homeless crackheads who'd asked them for a dollar and got a long term relationship instead.  That's the trouble with being co-dependent, some times you'll just date anyone (see JLo and Casper Smart).

But seriously, people with co-dependency issues get a bad rap (see above paragraph).  At the end of the day, when we find our final person, we all become a little co-dependent.  The H-bomb and I like our alone time so much that sometimes the only thing that brings us together is Downton Abbey or Homeland.  But even though we're good at being separate, I can't imagine life without him.  And I'm happiest when we're together.   If that makes me co-dependent, well, word to your mother.

So, happy co-dependence day.  For all of you peeps that are willing to admit you're needy and don't like yourself enough to be alone.  More power to you!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

the mike and ike BLOW OFF

Okay, after doing some research, I realized I was about three months late to the Mike & Ike break up party. That's because after I learned on 60 minutes that sugar = death, I stopped eating candy.  That's a lie, I still eat candy.  I just never really ate Mike & Ike's.  But then I got to hang out in a cabana in Vegas (thanks cousin!) and they had a basket full of snacks and that's when I took the above picture.  What the F?  What happened to Mike & Ike?  All of our drunken Vegas asses were trying to figure this shit out and for whatever reason, there is no cell phone service in Nevada and we couldn't Google it. My favorite theory was that the religious right made a stink about the name of the candy.  They probably thought if kids ate Mike & Ike's they'd turn gay.

Anyway: some packages have Ike crossed out-- because he's spending too much time on his grafitti art. Other packages have Mike crossed out-- because he's spending too much time on his music.

The sad truth is...there actually is no Mike or Ike.  They're not real people a la Ben & Jerry.  The company that owns the brand doesn't even know where the name came from.  But regardless, this is a genius marketing campaign, even if it's exactly like the time Ken and Barbie broke up.  And of course, the company is doing it to get young people's attention.  God, young people get everything!


Also, we were not paid by Mike & Ike to post this. But for the record, I would be down to kill myself slowly with a lifetime supply of their delicious fruit candy.


the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 8

Little Ricki is back, bitches!  The highly anticipated hometown date episode begins with Queen Emily making a quick stop over to her kingdom of Charlotte so that the producers can get some obligatory footage of her being a perfect mom.  Except, she's actually the worst mom in the world, because she's pretty much abandoned her daughter for a reality TV show.  She's even worse than a stage mom.  At least those nut jobs let their kids be the famous ones.  Anyway.  Do you guys really think she had her reunion with Little Ricki on camera?  If so, that's borderline abusive.   I don't know.  Little Ricki is kind of weird.  I can never understand what she says and she laughs too much.  And what's up with those braids in her hair?  She's totally trying to look gangsta.  Do you think when Emily is gone, Little Ricki hangs out with the mom crew and they all snort bath salts together and watch Dora the Explorer marathons?  I do.


Anyway, after having to spend an exhausting hour with her burdensome daughter, Hood Rat is off to Chicago for her very first hometown date with Chris.  I'm fairly certain at this point that Chris is the underdog (which sucks, cause he was my final pick for my bachelorette bracket) and now I'm also fairly certain he's going to be sent home...because his parents are Polish immigrants.  Say what?!  I thought Chris was just your average fifth generation white boy.  But he speaks Polish?  And his dad has an accent?  Oh, he's finished.  NO way will Emily want Little Ricki around a bunch of foreigners.  I can't believe this is the first time we're finding this out about him.  If I knew he had family members with accents, I would have never picked him as the final rose recipient!

So, Chris meets Emily in Chicago.  He takes her to some empty Polish bar and they drink beer and have an awkward conversation about how Chris might have violent tendencies after he freaked out in Prague when Sean got the group date rose. Okay, so there's no real mention of violent tendencies, but Chris apologizes for shooting himself in the foot by being a hot mess at the last rose ceremony.  Queen Emily says that she likes that he can admit he's wrong, because obvi, Brad Womack was a self righteous bastard.   Chris takes Emily home and even though his dad has an accent and looks like he could be a retired mobster, his family is really sweet.  But Emily feels a little stiff and forced and she and Chris just don't feel like a couple at all.  It's more like he's the guy in college that has a crush on her and when she can't afford to fly home for Thanksgiving, he insists she come home with him and when she does she gets really confused when everyone treats them like they're dating.  It's basically the plot of a Jonah Hill movie called Just Friends, part 2.

Chris's dad takes Emily down to the basement where they can get to know each other a little better.  He talks about how great Chris is and that he is ready to be a dad, blah blah.  I'm pretty sure all the guys called their parents and said "when she asks you if I'm ready to be a dad, you say YES or I will fucking murder you in your sleep."  Now, this is where things get lost in translation.  Mr. Polish asks Emily if there's love there and she says yes.  That could mean anything.  She could love him like she loves manicures and hair bleach.  She could love him like a brother.  But Chris's dad runs off and tells Chris that Hood Rat said she was falling in love with him.  Not exactly what she said, but okay.   Emily also has a conversation with Renee, Chris's sister and I'm pretty sure there's some single white female shit going on here.  Renee is totally trying to look like Emily with her bleached blonde hair.  AND I'm guessing she's an avid viewer of the Bachelorette franchise and knows that the death nail in the coffin is "if he's not the one you're going to end up with, let him go sooner."  Um, bitch just stood between her brother and a fantasy suite date.  She's a total cock block!

Anyway, after freaking Emily out even more with some Polish dancers and musicians wearing outfits I'm pretty sure I've seen on the Small World ride, Chris and Emily say good bye and after false encouragement from his dad, Chris tells Emily he loves her.  Poor Chris.  I'm sure he will find love among the many dejected Bachelorettes from previous seasons.  I think he and KCB from Ben F's season would make a cute couple.

Next stop on the hometown date extravaganza is St. George, Utah to hang out with gay McFly.  Holy crap, McFly is even richer than I thought!  His parents own a giant ranch and he drives Emily around in some crazy car and then they go shoot some guns.  Clearly, Hood Rat is much more at home on a huge ranch with guns and not around some schlubby Polish immigrants who live in a small ass house.  Although, there is a slight chance that this is actually a polygamous compound and that Little Ricki is actually going to be Jef's wife too.  Anyway, after exercising their second amendment right, Jef takes Emily back to the house to meet his family.  His parents aren't there which is super shady and we get no explanation for it other than they are doing charity work.  Either they want nothing to do with the show at all, or Jef really wanted his rich ass ranch to be featured on an episode of the show, even if it meant Emily wouldn't meet his parents.  Jef's family seems nice and wholesome and white and no one has any accents from any far off lands.  I'm not convinced these girls are actually his sisters though.  It's way more likely they are either his sister-wives or they're all married to his brother.

Queen Em has a conversation with Jef's fake sisters and they tell her that Jef wants a family which is why he doesn't want to come out of the closet.  They ask Em if she's falling in love with Jef and she evades the question by saying that she's a girl and is protective about using the L word.  SO...let me get this straight, she's two weeks away from possibly getting engaged to the guy and she's worried about taking it slow with the L word?   Whatevs!  They ask Emily if she'd be willing to move to their polygamist compound if she and Jef get engaged.  She says yes, because she really wants Little Ricki to have a family--- little does she know Gangsta Ricki will get way more family than she bargained for.  If they moved here, I'd give Little Ricki a week before she insisted on being first wife and bossed her own mom around.  Honestly though, you know what the real answer to the "are you willing to move" question is?  Yes.  I'm willing to move to LA to be on Dancing with the Stars followed by getting some sort of hosting gig on The Insider.

McFly has a very telling conversation with his brother who alludes to the fact that he's never been the guy that was ready to settle down and get married.  Um.  What he means is he's never been the guy that was ready to settle down and get married to a WOMAN.  After they leave the house, Jef takes Em off on some picnic and reads her something he wrote with the help of the conversion camp counselors after he left Prague.  Okay, fine-- it's actually a sweet letter and pretty much the monologue given to every male character at the end of every romantic comedy, BUT Em loves it.  She tells Jef it's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to her.  Guys.  Back me up on this.  I think Jef is the frontrunner.  Em has no gaydar, but it's okay because Little Ricki scores a gay dad which is basically a gay best friend for life.

Next stop on the "shoot me now I have to meet four people's families" tour is Scottsdale, Arizona.  Arie and Hood Rat meet at the race tracks and even though he looks slightly hotter in a race car jumpsuit thingy, I still don't think he's that hot.  Sure, he's got a swagger about him and he's got that sarcastic witty side that basically trumps everything else for me, but...okay, fine.  He's stupid hot.  He takes Em for a spin in his Indy car which is really different than a NASCAR which means that he and Big Ricky actually had two totally different careers and there's no eerie weirdness about her getting engaged to a guy that has the same career as her late fiance who died in a plane crash on the way to a race.  Nothing weird about any of that at all.

Arie and Back Woods hang out at a park and he tells her--- wait for it--- that his parents are really European.  See!  Even Arie knows that Emily is a member of the KKK!  He's totes scared that she's not going to be able to handle a bunch of foreigners.  BUT...Arie's parents aren't just any foreigners.  They're rich dutch people.  We find out that Arie's dad won the Indy 500 in 1990 and 1997.  That's like a big deal, right?

Anyway.  Arie takes Emily home and he has three really awkward siblings, including one sister that did not say a single word.  His mom is kind of a European bombshell and should seriously be the next Bachelorette.   And is it weird that I thought his dad was really hot?  Like stupid hot?  Like I know he's old, but I'm more attracted to him than I am to Arie?   Here's an old picture of my new boyfriend, Arie Sr.:
Also, side note.  As I was looking for this photo, I came across Arie's mugshot.  Google that shit.  He has a criminal record!  Okay, fine.  It's for a suspended license and no registration or something-- but what kind of race car driver has a suspended license?  Okay, back to the hometown date.  At one point, Arie's mom starts speaking Dutch and Emily gets really uncomfortable that she's speaking in third world tongues.  Sure, this is kind of rude.  But what's the point of being able to speak a foreign language if you can't talk shit about people right in front of their face??  Arie translates and tells Emily his mom was asking him how things were going.  Right.  She was really asking him why Emily can't move her face at all and if he could ask her who does her botox injections.  Arie's mom takes Hood Rat aside and becomes my new personal hero when she tells Queen Em she watched Brad Womack's season and wants to know how she went from getting engaged to being the next bachelorette.  Em says some bullshit about not asking the right questions and basically steals a line from Gay McFly's brother about fundamentals and foundations.

Anyway, the hang out with Arie's rich parents ends up going well, and even though Arie tells Hotter Arie that he wants to marry Emily, I still feel like the gay guy has an edge.

Last but not least, Emily goes to Dallas, TX to visit red-faced Aryan Nation.  They stroll through the park together with Sean's dogs and Sean blushes and Em tells him he's perfect and they throw a frisbee around.  At this point, Arie and McFly have it in the bag--- but the remaining rose is really between Sean and Chris.  Until we meet Sean's family and then I'm pretty sure Chris is getting kicked to the curb.  First of all, they're really white.  And they are from the south.  And they have accents, but the right kind of American accents.  Not to mention they just seem like extremely nice people.  Especially Sean's dad.  I just want to hug the guy.  But my favorite member of this family is hands down little Kensington (AKA Sean's niece.)  She's super cute.  You heard it here first-- Little Kensington is the new Little Ricki.  In fact, they need to recast Little Ricki, stat!

Here's where things get really stupid.  Sean gets all nervous and says he needs to tell Emily something.  He still lives at home.  Tanks to Gods!  Chris still stands a chance after all.  I'm a little confused as to how Emily didn't know this about him before.   He takes her to his bedroom and it basically looks like a ten year old's room.  It's super messy.  He has stuffed animals that he's named.  He even says that he wishes his mom would have picked up a little.  Okay, this is embarrassing and I may lose all credibility as a bachelorette recapper-- but I totally bought this shit.  Not only that, but I paused my DVR and made my husband watch the whole thing.  It was literally the best thing to happen on the show all season...and it was just a big fat joke.  Not sure whether it was orchestrated by Sean or the producers, but at least we know the guy has a sense of humor, because I was this close to crowning him and Emily Mr. and Mrs. Boring.  Anyway, Sean and Hood Rat say their good byes and for the millionth time, he has a love affair with her upper lip.  Em gets in the car and drives off and in a romantic move inspired by some Nicholas Sparks novel, Sean chases down the car so he can kiss Emily's upper lip again.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!  Em is super emotional, because *spoiler alert* she doesn't want the Polish mob to come after her when she doesn't give Chris a rose.  Chris Harrison makes an appearance to tell her to suck it up and hand out roses already, he's got a three-way waiting for him back at his bachelor pad.  Side note: I was totally not listening during this scene.  Side note: there are rumors that Emily and Harrison are boning!!!

So: Arie, Sean, and Jef are the three guys Emily chooses to stick it in her in the fantasy suite.  This could really make it or break it for Gay McFly.  Em walks Chris out and he's really pissed off and not very nice to her which just makes me love him more, even though it makes him look like a child.  But to be let go at this point in the process does kind of suck.  You have to stick around this long and then you don't even get laid.  And you've been on the show too long to nab a spot on The Bachelor Pad, but you're leaving too soon to be the next bachelor.  It's basically a mind fuck.

Next week, Queen Emily and her three men go to the Carribean where probably nothing happens.  I'm guessing if Gay McFly remembered to pack his viagara, Jef and Arie will get roses and Sean will get sent home.  Stay tuned!