Friday, August 31, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day (sort of): A Million Years by Alex Ebert

Okay, so this is totally not a BLOW OFF song, but it's the weekend of my 1st wedding anniversary and I'm feeling sentimental.  I wish you all a labor day weekend filled with love.  To kick off your weekend of glorious hook ups, here's the first song the H bomb and I danced to at our wedding.   It feels good to know our marriage has already lasted five times longer than Kim Kardashian's.

My notion of love devotion
Was a corrosion of mind
Then come cupid and now I'm stupid
And I feel it's just fine

Like exploding face
I'm gonna tell the world
Been a million years full of fears
But I found my girl.
-Alex Ebert, 2011

Thursday, August 30, 2012

time heals all BLOW OFFS

My M.O. during all my break-ups or almost-relationships that didn't pan out was this response:


I never had any interest in staying friends with people I dated, especially if I felt like they'd wronged me. Telling someone I never wanted to talk to them again felt appropriately dramatic and finite. And it also usually freaked guys out. Dudes are indecisive. They like the door to always be open for them in case they change their mind about you. So...slamming the door in their face tends to make them panic. And that's probably the main reason I did it.

But now, it's been 8+ years since my last real break up and I feel like I could throw a party and invite all my ex-whatevers and it would be no big thing. I don't have a whole lot of ill will (okay, maybe only against one of them). But time really does heal all BLOW OFFS. And so does Facebook. Seriously. If I can wish a guy that's seen me naked and then decided he didn't want to see me naked anymore, "happy birthday" via their Facebook wall, well then, I can pretty much mend fences with anyone.  (Step it up, Israel and Palestine.)

And I don't believe in that whole terrible theory that it takes women twice as long as the relationship lasted to get over a person. Bitch, please. Us females are a lot more resilient than we get credit for.  All we really need to get distance from the situation is some regular hot action.

So...if you're feeling like you're totally over someone, but you're still a little bit curious about them-- why not make today the day that you reach out?  Just make sure to brag to them about how wonderful your life is and how little they ended up meaning to you in the overall scheme of things.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

why you should get back together (take that, Taylor Swift)

I used to believe that getting back together with an ex was a HUGE mistake.  Which is precisely why when the high school BF showed up at my dorm room on Valentine's Day with chocolate and a ring from the movie The Crow, I refused to get back together.  Our break up sucked and I was finally getting over it, why risk having to deal with heartbreak all over again?  So, I sent him on his way (the next morning.)

But now that I'm oh so much older and wiser, I think reuniting with an ex is actually a good thing.  Here's why:

Either they are the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with.  (Just take a survey of most married people to see how many of them actually broke up at least once before getting married.)


They are going to fuck you over yet again in such a monumental way that you will never spend another second of your time wondering what could have been, because now you know.  (More on the topic of "what could have been" in a future post.)

Here are some scenarios where you should definitely consider a reunion:

*Your break up was purely circumstantial-- as in, one person had to move and you didn't want to do long distance.  Suddenly, you are now living in the same city.  Get to boning, stat!

*You were way too young when you first dated.  Like high school young.  And now you're nearing that age where all your vacation time and money is spent on going to weddings.  Get back together and get married, stat!

*You've literally continued to think about this person every single day since your break up and you have recurring dreams of them confessing their love to you and begging for you back.  And now it's happening in real life.  This ain't Inception, get back together already!

*They are named Ryan Gosling and you are named Rachel McAdams.

*Your break up was really amicable and you still hang out and your Facebook profile still says you're in a relationship.

Here are some scenarios where you should definitely NOT consider a reunion:

*Your ex beat your face in.  (Yes, Rihanna.  I'm talking to you.)

*This would be like your fourth go round to see if you can make a relationship work.  You can't!  WTF are you waiting for, create your online dating profile NOW.

*Your ex is now in a serious relationship, but claims they aren't happy and that he'd way rather be inside you.  This is when it can become really tempting to be the other woman (or man). We feel like it's justified, because we were with that person first.  But seriously, that's bull shit.  Have some self respect and sleep with his best friend instead.

*Your break up was a fucking shit show.  Sometimes you can find out more about a person from the way they treat you during a break up than the way they treated you when you were actually dating.  If your break up was a fat giant mess, then do your friends and family a favor for enduring you at your worst, and DO NOT get back together.

What do you guys think: yay or nay on the whole dating an ex again?  Comment below!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

BLOW OFF questionnaire: meet Saaara

I have severe BLOW OFF writer's block today, so I thought I would answer our BLOW OFF questionnaire with a few new and improved questions. I figure if I'm going to beg other people to fill it out, I might as well participate. (Also, I really can't think of anything else to post today). It's been awhile since we've done of these-- if you want to answer the questionnaire, email us at We would love to hear from you!

I love guys who...get my sarcasm, have their shit together, and don't take themselves seriously.  Oh, I also like it if they know how to make dinner reservations.
I hate guys who...are full of themselves.
My worst break up was...probably with the guy I lost my virginity to, because I did not see it coming and it was maybe the first and last time I was completely blindsided by a break up.
My easiest break up was...with my first lit agents. I emailed them I was leaving the agency and they emailed back with "Totally understand, best of luck." I can't believe those buttheads didn't beg me to stay with them forever.
My three deal breakers are...Republicans, Holy Rollers, and guys with bad taste in music. Like Matchbox 20 bad.
I've been in love 3 times.
I've had my heart broken 7 times. I know, it's pathetic.
I've broken 2-3, maybe 4 hearts.
My go to sad break up song is...La Cienega Just Smiles by Ryan Adams
My go to "fuck you" break up song is....Say My Name by Destiny's Child
The song I would most want a guy to play outside my window with a boom box is...The Scientist by Coldplay
I knew he wasn't the one when...I was too embarrassed to fart in front of him.
I knew he was the one when...he waited for me in the ER for two hours even though we weren't even really dating yet.
Angelina Jolie...does a lot of good in the world, but I wish she would put on ten pounds.
Reality the life blood of this blog. (Hello, Bachelorette recaps?) Also, my goals are to become famous by being a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills so that I can then become a contestant on Dancing with the Stars.

Monday, August 27, 2012

How to Respond to the Late Night Text

They say nothing good happens after 2am, which loosely translated means tons of good shit happens after 2am, it's just the sort of shit you sometimes want to pretend didn't happen over brunch the next morning. Two am is when people look for after hours parties, head to a friend's house to drink, hit up iHop, if they're being responsible, head home with friends to watch a movie. Two am is also a perfectly respectable time on a Friday or Saturday to have been asleep for an hour or two. Which is what I was doing last Saturday when I got this.

TIME - 2:13 am - "Hey there, whatcha up to?"

Now I've sent that text before. And I know exactly what I was really asking when I sent it. So it's not like I'm faulting the guy who sent this. Hell, I'm flattered. The problem is I'd already been asleep for an hour and a half with my oh so attractive Proactiv sulfur mask on my face and the number came up in my phone as, just that, a number. No name, no note, nothing. This could have been anyone — and since there was no text history, someone I haven't chatted with since early June, the last time I cleared my cache.

What do I say, what do I do? I might have really liked this person and just forgotten to put their number in my phone. Maybe he was a total scuz and I deleted it for a reason. I was totally conflicted.

I had a few options — options that give you some wiggle room if ever you find yourself in this situation.

1. "hied haw r u? sooo wasited. whsat gonif onn?" - This implies you are in no condition to hop behind the wheel of a car, to entertain someone who may or may not be en route to your place as you type, and if this is the only text you send, it makes sense, because anyone drunk enough to send a text like that will, in all likelihood, be passed out moments later. Of course, come morning, you're back at square one, of not knowing who this person is, so it's just a temporary fix.

2. "I just got a new phone and none of my numbers transferred. Who is this?" - Here's the thing. We all know people who lose their phones as often as Kirstie Alley loses weight, so it's totally feasible to not have someone's number in your phone. It's also the number one excuse people use when they never bothered to put someone's number in their phone, so be prepared for the person on the other end to be offended.

3. "So tired, but send me a hot pic of you." - Of course, you have to engage them in a bit of banter first, but if you suggest you'd be up for meeting up at another time but wanna keep the game of cat and mouse going, you can land all the info you need to know if this is a booty call you want to tap again.

4. "Sure, come over. You remember where I live." - Again, after a bit of banter. Now I admit this is a dangerous game, but follow my logic. If you have one of those buildings with a gate code, this works particularly well. Invite them over. Tell them to wait at the front gate, you have to come down and get them. Now if you play it this way, you're committing yourself to one of two outcomes. The guy shows up and is hot, which means you have to be ready to invite him up for whatever happens. The guy is not, which means you have to play the ole "oh fuck, I fell asleep" card the next morning after dodging his calls.

5. "I have no idea who the hell this is cuz I'm a drunk." - Sometimes people actually respond well to the honesty, and I have used this one at least once and it worked. Try it - can't hurt.

If you really don't know what to do, ignore the text until the following AM, and then text back that you were asleep and hope all is well. If it's someone who really likes you, they'll text back, you can get on the phone, strike up a convo and see if the voice rings a bell. If it was really just a drunk text, chances are they're embarrassed and you won't hear from them again, in which case, this whole article was pointless and you probably want your five minutes back.

Friday, August 24, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler

Once upon a time I was falling in love,
now I'm only falling apart.
There's nothing I can do,
a total eclipse of the heart.
-Bonnie Tyler, 1983

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

when your girlfriend says _______, what she really means is _______

We've established that there is no such thing as male intuition.  We've also (I think) established that women are terrible at saying exactly what we want.  We don't like to ask for things, because we want partners who can figure out what we need on their own.  This is a terrible system that just leads to a lot of relationship confusion, a lot of unnecessary arguments, and maybe even a big fat giant BLOW OFF. Well, fear no more.  The BLOW OFF has come up with a handy nav guide for what your girlfriend really means when she says:

10.  "my friends are having a party, but it's cool if you don't want to come": it's really important to me that you like my friends and take an interest in them and even though I'm giving you an out, it's because I secretly want you to not take it and come to the party with me."

9.  "I don't need help": I like to appear independent and low maintenance, but yes.  I do need help with cleaning the house, heavy suitcases, and understanding what is happening on Game of Thrones.  It's sweet of you to ask, but what's even sweeter if you just help without being told to.

8.  "Sure, it's totally fine to cancel plans with me to hang out with your friends": I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.

7.  "Never call me again.":  I really, really, really want you to call me to tell me how much you miss me and love me."

6.  "Call me again and I'll contact the police": Call me again and I'll contact the police.

5. "I don't want to talk about it.": You better fucking apologize for what you did and we better be able to talk about it for as long as it takes for me to feel better.

4.  "Tell me about your ex-girlfriend": As in, tell me how glad you are it's over and that I'm way cooler than her in anyway.  I don't need to hear a single positive thing about her.  In my head, she looks just like Golem from Lord of the Rings.

3. "Are you mad at me?": I know I did something really shitty, but I'm sorry.  Any chance we can not make a big thing out of it?  I'm not comfortable with conflict that I've caused, because I'm used to everything being your fault.

2.  "I'm not really into Facebook": Why does your status still say "single"?

1.  "I don't feel well": I'd be more into having sex with you if you started listening to the lyrics for Sensual Seduction by Snoop Dogg instead of just asking me to go down on you.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

a girl, a boy, and a sweatshirt

Amazing guest post from a dear friend of the BLOW OFF's.  Let this be a lesson to all of us who try to get our stuff back after a break up:

I made up my mind the night he had quickie sex with another girl in a closet during a particularly sad birthday party. The sweatshirt was coming back.

The details are these: Shortly after graduating, I moved overseas to London in a desperate bid for freedom. In my wake, I left behind a random assortment of boxed up kitchen supplies, an unnaturally huge Ikea bookshelf, and Tim, my on-off boyfriend of my senior year of college.

When I departed for England, we were on one of our “off” periods and so I was perfectly within my rights to leave him, and the smoggy skies of LA, behind. And yet…and yet…

The sweatshirt. During our time together, Tim had taken a particular liking to my high school hoodie emblazoned with “Villa” on the front in bold white letters. “It smells like you,” he claimed. “I want to wear it when I sleep at night.” Well, hell, I couldn’t say no. He even wore it when we were broken up. Everyone knew it was my sweatshirt and, in a way, the large white letters of “VILLA” was like a stamp of ownership writ large across his chest. We didn’t mean for it to end up that way, but as with everything else in our relationship, it just did.

And now, I was going to need it back. A year after graduating, the economy tanked and my hopes for London with it. My visa was promptly revoked and I was thrown back into the quagmire of American living, cheeseburgers replacing dainty scones. If I was coming back to LA, I would have to make a few, lasting changes, beginning with the boy.

I had only been in a LA for a few days the night of the tragic--sex with another girl in a closet-- birthday party, replete with sodden cupcakes and a host of no-shows. Tim and I hadn’t seen each other in nearly a year, but clearly, he had moved on.

The next morning, I boldly texted him about exchanging the sweatshirt. His sardonic reply: “Well you’ll have to take it from me wont you ;)” I wanted to retort, “You slept with an aspiring actress in a moldy closet while the Spice Girls played in a nearby room. The gig is up.” But I held back.

Tim claimed he had a date that night and would not be home, only I would not be deterred; the thought of him wearing my sweatshirt around town made my stomach drop. Instead, I arranged with his roommates to stop by later that evening while he was away.

In a matter of hours, I found myself standing in the living room of a college rental home. Five boys’ expectant eyes on me. They were wearing wife beaters and inordinately long basketball shorts. World of Warcraft was paused on the TV.

“Where is Tim's room?” I asked. They silently pointed down the hall, shit-eating grins on their faces.

Fearing some awful retribution, I reluctantly walked to his door, took a deep breath, and entered.

Clothes were strewn everywhere. School papers and books, DVDs and shoes littered every available walking space. A fan turned ominously overhead, rustling the refuse in its breeze. And there, lying presumptuously naked on the bed, was Tim.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

It took me awhile to find my footing, both literally and figuratively. “Uh, wow, hey. So, you know, I’m here for the sweatshirt.” I looked around, panic-stricken. It could have been anywhere in this hovel. “Do you know where I could find it?”

Without missing a beat, Tim grabbed his crotch and murmured, “It’s right here.”

Where do I unsubscribe?

Shockingly, I chose not to delve into his crotch, but the closet instead. There, amidst heaps of trash and debris, was my sweatshirt, perfectly maintained and lovingly cared for, one of only two items hung carefully on a hanger.

I paused momentarily to let the enormity of what I was about to do sink in. The boy was an idiot, there was no doubt about that. But at one point, we really did care for each other. Hell, he clearly *still* cared for me. But if I was going to come back to a city I didn’t particularly like, after the glories of rainy London, I had to leave my college-self behind. In time, cheap beer would be replaced with…slightly less cheap beer and so on and so forth until I could legitimately say I was not completely ashamed of my life. And as much as it might hurt, this Band-Aid needed to be ripped off.

I grabbed the sweatshirt from its privileged place and turned to say goodbye. Tim, in turn, grabbed a bed sheet to cover his shame.

I wouldn’t see him again for another year. It would be at a birthday party, no less, this time in a bar (lesson learned). And he would be hanging on the arms of that actress, wordlessly watching me as I walked past.

Monday, August 20, 2012

i love you sluts

I recently heard through mutual friends (Lainey Gossip) that pop star Taylor Swift bought a house in Cape Cod...across the street from her new bf's house...Conor Kennedy (Grandson of Bobby Kennedy.) Well, it's not really his house, it's his family's house. Apparently, Conor and Taylor have been dating all summer. Which, I'm sorry, is not long enough to buy a house across the street from your eighteen year old boyfriend who is still in high school. But I know Taylor's type. She's totally an I love you slut.

We've all had an "i love you slut" in our lives. They are usually female, but in rare cases their are also men who suffer from the disorder. These are people who are way too intense about every relationship they're in. Usually after two dates, they claim they have a super strong connection with their newly minted significant other. We're all supposed to smile and play along, even though they acted exactly the same way about the last three guys they dated. They say I love you way too quickly and then act all shocked and dismayed when the relationship comes to a premature end. Once it's over, they even blame the break up on the crazy passionate feelings they had for each other...that inevitably scared the guy away.

I love you sluts need to seriously chill out. They need to stop acting like every person they meet was carved out of a blob of human flesh by the hands of God personally for them. They need to retire words like "intense", "passionate", "connection", "fate", and "never felt this way before" from their vernacular. Most of all, on the day they fall madly, madly, in love they should really consider marking their calendars for six months in the future-- which is how long they should wait before they gush to their friends and family if they expect any of us to take them seriously.

I'm not saying they shouldn't feel the things they're feeling. More power to them for not being bitter, cynical, and terrified of jinxing their relationships. I'm just saying they should go out and buy a diary and write their feelings down on paper and spare the rest of us.

P.S. to everyone that reads this blog: I fucking love you.

Friday, August 17, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Blow Me (One Last Kiss) by Pink

I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
-Pink, 2012

Thursday, August 16, 2012

It's Kind Of Insulting When Celebrities Don't Try to Sleep With You

I'm not here to put anyone on blast, but I must get this off my chest. When you are at certain places in Los Angeles you will see celebrities, that's a given. Been there, done that, blown that line of coke. But there are always those select few that will still give you butterflies in your stomach. I saw one of them this past weekend and he's known to be much more than a bit of a man-whore.  Now while this is probably a turn off for normal girls, this gets me wet. I mean, I have to exert enough effort in every other part of my life. If I can meet celebrity X and he wants to go in the bathroom of the restaurant pull my weave and give me an orgasm and a great story for the rest of my life, how can I not check that off my bucket list?

Now here's the thing. Celebrity X totally eyefucked the shit out of me a few months ago. So he obviously wants to hit this. Now, I run into his this weekend and nada, zip, zilch. He's a man-whore and didn't attempt to have sex with me? What is wrong with him? He will sleep with ugly, anybodys and didn't try to sleep with me? I'm officially insulted. Talk about a blow (no pun intended) to my self-esteem. Starve Yourself Sundays might extend into all of next week now.

Some women might think this is disrespectful and wouldn't want a ride on the town bicycle. But this is LA baby, I'm ready to straddle that seat. And if I do run into him again, game on motherfucker!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

pop culture BLOW OFF of the day: "he has fucking cancer, you lunatic"

Below is one of my fave break up movie scenes in recent times. 50/50 was a surprisingly good film about a cute hipster guy's battle with cancer. Unfortunately, the whole terminal illness thing ends up being a deal breaker for his girlfriend (played by Bryce Dallas Howard.) Beeotch is like hours late to pick him up from chemo and then she cheats on him. In all fairness, I wish Howard's character was a little more three-dimensional, instead of being played as the typical vapid female. There seems to be a Hollywood epidemic of annoying girl characters getting paired with the super-earnest Joseph Gordon Levitt.

Anyway, this scene makes me wish I could have had Seth Rogen there to take my side during all my worst break-ups.   Also, in the above photo, they destroy a painting the girlfriend character made him.  I highly recommend making a ritual out of destroying a gift from the person that screwed you over.  It's very therapeutic.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

the spark igniter & the BLOW OFF

The worst thing about enduring a break up is the period of time I like to call "the break up coma." This is when you finally manage to get yourself back out into the dating world, but no one you meet seems to give you the same butterflies you got when you were dating your ex. Weeks go by. Months. Even years. And you start to wonder...will you ever meet someone that you'll have that kind of connection with again?

And then finally: you do. Everything starts out amazing. You begin to think that this is why things didn't work out with the ex, because this new person is who you were really supposed to end up with. It's fun and exciting and passionate. They are as into you as you are into them. There's banter and flirting and everything feels right until...

they dump you.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! They were supposed to the be the last person you dated. They were supposed to turn into your final long term relationship. They were supposed to meet your parents and all your friends. They were supposed to invite you home for the holidays. They were never supposed to just be another shitty rebound. Well, they're not a rebound. Rebounds are people we don't really like.  Instead, this person is what I like to call "a spark igniter."

A spark igniter is that person that briefly comes into your life to relieve you of the anxiety that your ex was the end all, be all. Because of them you are reminded that there are still people out in the world  you can go ga-ga for. They're kind of a tease, but they do help you get over your ex...because suddenly when you go to bed at night listening to "I Can't Make You Love Me" on repeat, instead of thinking about your ex, your now getting all depressed over your spark igniter.

I'm not sure why things with a spark igniter never seem to work out. Maybe it's because if the two of you pro-created, your kids would grow up to bring a gun to their high school one day and kill all their classmates (yes, this is what I liked to tell myself when things didn't pan out with a guy I liked). But what the spark igniter does do is provide a little hope that there are other people in the world that will make you feel like everything is falling into place. Their job is to ignite the spark, but they're just not the ones that are supposed to keep it burning.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Alcoholism is Relative if you're good in bed

We all make excuses if the sex is good, right? Who cares if he's assistant manager at a Walmart, he could be manager one day. I guess I don't mind that he snores like a freight train and lets the Golden Retriever join us in bed — he gives good head.

Some excuses are valid. I mean, if you aren't thinking "house in Pasadena with two kids and an Audi" and there's no one you're hanging out with who fits that bill, you might as well have a good time while you wait, right? That's what I thought. Jimmy (we'll call him that because to my knowledge I've never slept with a Jimmy and if I have, he likely doesn't remember me as I don't remember him and since this blog post is going to be incriminating I'd like to keep names out it) was the perfect no strings attached kind of guy. I knew where he lived, I knew what he did, I met his roommate, we had a good time watching half of Labyrinth one night. Perfect. I'd seen his last name but I didn't really know how to say it and one time when he mentioned Billy, I didn't know who the hell he was talking about (his twin brother). Boyfriends know these things, I was just a hookup. He could have had $1.75 in the bank and a warrant out for his arrest in Topeka - I didn't give a fuck.

At least I thought I didn't.

Jimmy liked to drink. Not slamming back shots on a Friday night drink. A couple whiskey diets over lunch drink. The sort of drunk who says he can't meet for a quickie on his lunch break because he's drunk, but swears it's cuz his boss took them all out for a "wet lunch" so it's "soooo not my fault."

You ignore the fact that when you show up with takeout for a night in bed, he's hiccuping when he answers the door. And that before breakfast, a shower, or a trip to the bathroom happen in the morning, he greets the day with two excedrin.

I know, I know. What kind of Less Than Zero shit is this? I didn't care — he had no off switch and abs like a gymnast. So, you deal.

Then he suggested a weekend away — in the desert. He'd drive if I got the hotel.

What's the problem, right? 24 hours. That's 24 hours of good sex.

Do you have any idea how much a hard core alcoholic drinks in 24 hrs? The bottle of Svedka was gone BEFORE WE CHECKED IN. And I didn't have any. At dinner, when the bill came, it was over 100 dollars — and we had burgers.

That's when I ran into my old co-worker Tim. Tim was blonde, Tim was hot, Tim was married - to a woman. I missed him. I hugged him. He was good people.

"Why don't you just screw him in the middle of the dance floor?"

Huh, what? Who, him? "He's just a friend."

Drunks hate that line. Drunks hate every line unless it's coke (which is what he busted out on the walk to find a cab - on the streets, really? on the streets?). Drunks don't believe a word you say. And so I was in trouble.

I decided the best thing to do was to head back to the hotel and call it a night. He'd sober up if he slept it off and then we could leave in the morning.

Drunks don't like to go to bed mad. Drunks don't like to go to bed until they've slurred the same line of non-sensible crap at you 1,000 times, never once making any kind of point other than, "I'm a drunk."

Hardcore drunks can't even get it up, so my only reason for even being around this guy was completely gone too. What to do, what to do? Somewhere between him taking a swig of gin (which I didn't even know he'd packed) in the hotel room closet and him seeing if a lamp flew like a football when it was aimed at my head, I decided that the best idea would be to throw him the fuck out of the hotel room and find my own way back to Los Angeles. Which is what I did.

Another thing about drunks. They have bad balance, can't stumble to their feet in time to stop a slamming hotel room door and hotel managers don't much care for them.

Alone in a hotel room at 10:35pm - pathetic. At least "Rizzoli and Isles" was on.

You can make some exceptions if the sex is good, but if you have to endure the "Leaving Las Vegas" of all weekend getaways to get it, you're better off with a 5 minute shower and an evening of Angie Harmon.

Drunk guy blown off.

Friday, August 10, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

Um...I LOVE hot guys in music videos. Especially when those hot guys wear sweaters. Men, I'm telling you. Sweaters. They will get you laid. It's that easy.

There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on

Nothing's right, I'm torn.
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
lying naked on the floor*
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn.
-covered by Natalie Imbruglia, 1997

Seriously though, why is she lying naked on the floor??

Thursday, August 9, 2012

All I Really Want Is A Nice Guy...With Asshole Potential

All women fantasize about finding the man of their dreams someday.  And if you're single and living in Los Angeles you probably daydream about finding "the one" more so now than when you played dress up and pretended to be a bride when you were five just so you can split rent and stop having to primp for two hours before going to the grocery store for that bottle of Skinnygirl Cocktails (just in case you happen to run into Ryan Gosling).

They say nice guys finish last and there's a reason for that.  Nice guys are boring.  I said it.  It may be unpopular, but it's the truth.  But let's get real.   I'm close to 30 and the days of randomly running into a bad boy friend with benefits at the club and staying up with him having amazing sex until 7AM the next morning isn't going to be cute in a few years and it's not exactly ideal for a potential mate.  So what do I want?  I'm going to Hannah Montana that shit.  I want the best of both worlds.  I want a nice guy with asshole potential.

What is that?  It's the guy that has a really good heart that cares about you and sends you a text in the middle of the day just to say he's thinking about you...and then does something really douchey.  Something douchey enough for you to give him the silent treatment for a day or two.  Something ridiculous that he certainly knows better than to do, but did it anyway.  Mind you, this is nothing major like cheating or stealing from you.  The asshole potential isn't a deal breaker, it's a benefit. You get the nice guy and the excitement and the passion.  Besides, have you ever had sex better than make up sex?  I hear that engagement sex is also pretty great but as you can see I'm pretty far off from being able to tell you about that one first hand.

So, how does one find a nice guy with asshole potential? First off, they do have to be a genuinely nice person.  This is the tricky part.  Mostly we just meet assholes and we think that they are nice guys with asshole potential, but they are not.  They are just assholes.  You have to vet the guy and make sure you're dealing with someone that is sincere and sweet at the core.  After that step you're pretty golden. They're men so the asshole potential has been embedded in their DNA since the Y chromosome came into play.

Maybe I'm weird but I don't want to be with someone that I can walk all over or that is too nice to challenge me.  Hell, even call me a bitch and make me pay for it in the bedroom every once and a while.  I'll take that over submissive anytime.  But, I need to feel that pull towards him.  I need to feel like I'm with the bad boy every once and awhile to keep me on my toes and keep me satisfied.  You can't ask a leopard to change its spots and I can't change the type of men I like (believe me I wish I could).  So for me, a nice guy with asshole potential is the perfect hodgepodge.  And, I just got to use the word hodgepodge!  PS if there are any nice guys with asshole potential out there, you know how to find me!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

friends don't let friends drink and date

Looking back on some of the BIGGEST dating mistakes I have ever made, most of them occurred while I was drinking. I know, I know, that's not an excuse...but actually it totally is. And in my defense, some of my best dating decisions were also made while I was drinking...just ask the guy I married. But generally speaking, drinking and dating can be a deadly combination. Not to mention it can also lead to whiskey dick and vodka vagina. What was that? You've never heard of vodka vagina? Then...I'm guessing you've never had it. Okay, fine it's not a thing, I totally made it up cause it sounds funny.

So, without further adieu, here are the top ten worst things I've done while drinking and dating:

10. Threw myself at and kissed a co-worker at a Halloween party...after starting a new job. He very nicely rejected me. We're still friends, but at the time it was pretty humiliating and would have been a semi-scandal if he returned my advances. Luckily, one of my friends also made a drunken mistake that night that totally trumped mine. Yay for drunk friends!

9. Stroked way too many...EGOS. When I get drunk, for some reason, I like to tell guys how great and cute and wonderful they are. I thought I was being cute and forward, but I think it just scared them off. (see #10) I'm sure my husband is reading this and thinking that this is totally not the case and I actually get kind of bitchy and hostile when I'm drunk. (see #8)

8. I'm generally not an angry drunk, but for some reason after two glasses of wine, I have a habit of broaching sensitive relationship issues with the life partner. And I did this when we were dating too. In the beginning of our relationship, he thought I was so cool and low maintenance and then once he was in too deep, I revealed I was actually drunk dramatic girl. Which would also be my super hero name.

7. I shat where I ate. Don't worry, not literally. I was drunk and lonely and lived next door to a cute boy and I knocked on his door with some really lame excuse. We hooked up which would have been super exciting...except that he wasn't into me and then it was just incredibly awkward every time we ran into each other. Especially the time he knocked on my door in his underwear...purely to ask me to turn down my stereo. I told myself he was too cocky and stuck up for me anyway, but then on Halloween he dressed up as an Oompa Loompa and I was in love again. (Yes, this is the same guy I friend requested on Facebook a couple years ago, who asked me who I was.)

6. I snuggle cheated. This is when you are drunk enough to snuggle and spoon with another person in bed, but not drunk enough to actually screw their brains out. Unless we did screw each other's brains out and I was just too drunk to ever remember it. It was in college, anything was possible.

5. In a moment of drunken frustration, I told a former boyfriend I was in love with him. Which might not be that bad, except we never said "i love you" while we were dating. I don't really ever think it's a good idea for a girl to drop the L bomb first, but definitely not with a guy who used to be your boyfriend and is pretty much avoiding you in the present-day.

4. The good old drunk and dial. After a bad first date and a lot of cocktails somewhere in the vicinity of Valentine's Day, I called an ex...hoping we could commiserate about how we hadn't found anyone else since our break up. The only problem was his new girlfriend was at his apartment the whole time he was on the phone humoring me.

3. All the times I made out with gross guys I didn't like at all. This happened mostly in New York. After 3am. With guys who wore button downs and tried to explain to the workings of on a hedge fund to drunken little me.

2. The time I didn't get drunk a date. Because I had just moved to LA and (rightly so) didn't believe in drinking and driving. So instead, I went on a drinking and driving tirade while on a first date with a guy I was really into, which then evolved into why New York is so much cooler than LA. Now that I've lived in LA for seven years, I hate people like 2005 me, And I'm pretty sure that guy hated me too, because he never asked me on a second date. I should have just gotten a cab and gotten shit-faced, I think he would have at least taken me out to a proper dinner. There is a silver lining here: the weekend I was depressed over the fact that he never called me was the same weekend I had a drunken hook up...with the h-bomb. See, I totally learned my lesson about sobriety and dating. It's even worse than drunk dating.

1. The time I almost got raped. Okay, not really. But I was visiting friends in Santa Cruz and left a party we were at with a hippie looking Brad Pitt who wanted to walk to a Safeway a couple miles away to buy a 40. My friends didn't know where I was and drove all around the city looking for me. I did end up making out with hippie Brad Pitt in an alley way...which would have been oddly romantic if he didn't say "I promise I won't rape you" right before he kissed me. At least he kept his word.
All in all, these are pretty tame (see #6). I don't have any "I got drunk and shat the bed while sleeping with a married senator" stories. So...if you guys want to make me feel like even more of a prude, comment below with your crazy drunk dating tales.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Love Reception: Top 25 Deal Breakers

My friend Lani introduced me to one of my favorite new youtube videos.  I really think this guy (who also happens to be her brother) needs his own dating advice show, stat.  Love Line and Dr. Drew have been totally ruined by Celebrity Rehab.

I love his comparison to online dating and Zappos.  I love the way he says dealbreaker.  I also love that he calls us ladies out on always thinking we can do better with some imaginary guy we've never met.  I really wonder where he stands on Britney Spears today.

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an interview with the Silicon Valley Bachelor

One of the BLOW OFF's favorite contributors AKA Kevin Leu AKA the Silicon Valley Bachelor just published his first book entitled Berating Others on Your Way to a Lifetime of Happiness: That, and Dating Around the World.  We thought we'd do an exclusive interview with him and got his take on everything from The Notebook to the asian fetish.  Enjoy!

The BLOW OFF:  Tell us a little bit about how you decided to write the book, how you published it, etc.

 Silicon Valley Bachelor: Well, my Mom doesn't fully understand the difference between a screenplay and a book. So, when I came back from LA - unsuccessful in selling my screenplay - my Mom would always ask, "when are you going to publish your book?" And, each time, I'd patiently explain to her that a screenplay is not a book. Finally, after several months of explaining this to my Mom, I said, you know what? I am just going to publish a book.

I took some of the most popular posts from my blog, and wrote several new ones that were racier, raunchier, and possibly criminally incriminating for me. I went through a company called CreateSpace and two months later, after numerous editing sessions, I published it and gave a copy to my Mom. Who promptly said, "now you can write a serious book." Tiger Moms.... sigh.

TBO: What's the single best piece of dating advice you can offer to girls reading this?

SVB: If you like a guy, don't put out on the first date. Or second. Or third. You can figure out a guy's true intentions by seeing how long he'll come around even though he's not getting any. I try to have sex on every single first date, except for with girls I really like. In that case, I only try to cop a feel.

TBO: What's the single best piece of dating advice you can offer to guys reading this?

SVB: Find a girl who's got her own thing. If she has a career, a passion, her own solid group of girlfriends, she'll bring so much more to the table. You'll get the occasional night out to hang out with the guys, she'll be less needy and jealous, and you can both grow separately and together as a couple.

TBO: What's something people would be surprised to know about the silicon valley bachelor?

SVB: I'm a hopeless romantic. I love movies like Grease, Dirty Dancing, and Pretty Woman. And I cried like a baby during The Notebook. He was reading her their story every single day just for a few moments of remembrance!!! I would've just told the docs to pull the plug if she so much as gets a cold and then remarried.

TBO: You have a girlfriend now (I think)-- how do you see that effecting the exploits of the silicon valley bachelor?

SVB: Now I write things more in theory and from memory. I had 12 years of pretty much undisturbed party, traveling, and hitting on girls. It was a good run. There is always some aspect of dating that I hear about from talking with friends, and it reminds me of stories that I have experienced in my past. I probably have 10 stories I have stored in my phone's notes section that I'll get around to writing.

TBO: When you do settle down one day, what's the thing you'll miss most and least about dating?

SVB: I'll miss the thrill of "closing a deal." Knowing that you can gain the affection of a woman in minutes, through drunken, witty, slurred conversation, and that there might be the possibility of sexual relations in the near future. It's like the thrill of surfing for some, or skydiving, or hunting. There's a joy when you catch a great wave, or hit a golf ball perfectly, or feeling that tug on your fishing pole and reeling in a huge catch.

The thing I'll miss the least? Hitting on unattractive women, because they're the only ones around, and them thinking they're hotter than they are and act like b*tches.

TBO: What's your take on the following:

The white guy/asian girl fetish thing

SVB: Well, I don't think all of it is a fetish thing. I honestly think that sometimes the white guys can't pull a hotter girl of a different ethnicity. And the Asian girls are more forgiving of a guy's looks/height, etc. I also think that some Asian guys need to learn to be more aggressive and assertive. It's just not very prevalent in Asian countries. You're taught too much to be respectful and humble, whereas those behaviors are not rewarded in our ultra-aggressive American culture.


SVB: My thoughts on this have evolved over the years. I've encountered some really f*cked up situations and I realize that there are some crazy folks in the world. I always said that I would never be with someone who cheats. If I ever found out, I wouldn't be like Hilary Clinton who stuck with Bill. I would've voted for her for President if she had left Bill. I've also seen societies where cheating is common - Latin America - and maybe the divorce rate is lower because of the occasional philandering. If both parties are getting theirs, and it's don't ask don't tell, who am I to judge it? So basically, I have no idea.

Booty Calls

SVB: I love them. Everyone wins. The key is to not make the booty call to the same girl too often. Wait a week or more before having any correspondence again, so no one gets confused with emotions.

Click here to purchase your very own copy of Berating Others!

Monday, August 6, 2012

the "I followed a boy" BLOW OFF

Even though sequels are usually a terrible idea, I sometimes wish there would have been a Good Will Hunting, part 2 so we could see what happened after Will followed Skyler to California.  Would things have worked out between them?  Would he have been back in Southie in six months?  Would it all have been a giant gamble for nothing?  Would Robin Williams have pulled him into a tight embrace, while repeating "it's not your fault" over and over again?  Get on it, Affleck! 

I kind of love relationships where one person moves all the way across the country or the world to be with their significant other. There's something super romantic about the notion of loving someone so much, you're willing to change your life/hopes/dreams completely to be with them.  I've never followed a boy anywhere.  Or stayed in the same place for a boy. Not because I didn't want to, but because they never asked.  It took meeting the right guy to have one of those *I'm moving to be with you* romances.  The H-to the-Usband moved from New York to LA, after a year of us being long distance.  Yes, he technically moved out here to be with me, but he also moved out here for a job which in some ways was a nice safety net for both of us in case we didn't work out.  Moving across country to be together puts a lot of pressure on both parties.  I mean, remember when Mr. Big told Carrie not to move to Paris for him?

I think when the husband moved to LA, we both knew people would have secretly laughed at us if we broke up right after going to such great lengths to be together.  Even if that was just tucked away in the back of our minds, it did motivate us to work through the little stuff.

But following a significant other doesn't always pan out.  A good friend of mine and old next door neighbor in New York City decided to move to Manhattan with his boyfriend after the bf got a job there.  After the cross country drive from hell, they finally arrived in New York City...and his boyfriend dumped him days later.  It's honestly one of the worst break up stories ever, but luckily he's now happily married and living in Toronto with his husband (who followed him there from Israel.)  

Making the decision to leave your friends, family, and job behind for one person is a huge gamble and yes, it doesn't always pay off.  And there's even a little bit of a stigma attached to it, especially for women these days.  It seems a little 1950s-ish if we decide to follow a boy.  But I don't see it that way.  People move all the time for jobs.  Isn't it way more meaningful to move for someone you love?  No?  I guess we can always just pretend we're moving for ourselves...

Friday, August 3, 2012

BLOW OFF song of the day: Over and Over by Nelly, ft. Tim McGraw

Of all the rappers out there, Nelly has the best break up songs.  Am I right or am I right?

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it’s all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it yeah I can’t shake it

-Nelly (ft. Tim McGraw), 2004

Thursday, August 2, 2012

the solitary confinement BLOW OFF

(The New Yorker, October 8, 2010)

Sorry, I didn't have any time to write a proper post today.  Instead, I thought I would post a picture of a new addition in my apartment.  Hope everyone is having an awesome Thursday and that none of you get dumped.


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

the other woman BLOW OFF

Liberty Ross (far left); Kristen Stewart (3rd from left, Duh.
I know there are a lot of young teenaged girls out there who are probably still crying themselves to sleep, thinking of poor Robert Pattinson getting cheated on by Kristen Stewart...but listen kids, he's not really the person you should be feeling sorry for. Robert Pattinson will bounce back. If he doesn't want to forgive his mopey girlfriend, then after the Breaking Dawn part 2 press tour he never really has to deal with her again. Within a year, he'll be dating a model or another actress and all will be right with the world. As for Kristin Stewart, she'll probably rebound with someone even sooner. Usually, when you feel super shitty about yourself, you find someone to love you and tell you you're great as quickly as possible. Rob and Kristen will be fine. They're in their early twenties. They should have never stayed together forever anyway.

The person we should all feel terrible for is Liberty Ross, the wife of the director Stewart hooked up with. Apparently, for a long period of time, Liberty was the more successful one in her marriage with Rupert Sanders. She stood by her man, left London and moved to Hollywood with him, and watched him make it big as a director after his first feature Snow White and the Huntsmen. And then, after sixteen years together, ten years of marriage, and two kids, he had an affair with an actress half his age. I'm guessing their lives are so intertwined that she may end up forgiving him.  At the end of the day, Rupert Sanders would have found someone to cheat with anyway, but Kristen Stewart didn't have to be that person if she chose not to.

Stewart made this public apology about the affair:

"I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry."

Some are saying Pattinson isn't speaking to her and the apology was her way of reaching out to him. It's so weird that being a celebrity means you have to publicly apologize for things in the first place, but regardless of why she released a public statement, I don't think Stewart will understand the enormity of what she's done to Liberty Ross until she's older, married, and has kids with someone. You can't truly know how wrong it is to sleep with someone else's husband until you have one of your own that you love and value and don't ever want to lose.

I wish we could all agree that married people are totally off limits. If they really want to cheat, let them hit up a brothel in Nevada. Then, maybe once we legalize pot and gay marriage, we can ban adultery. That's what the organizers in a Taiwanese beauty pageant did. Contestants in the Miss Globalcity pageant in Taiwan all had to sign contracts agreeing that they would never be someone's mistress. If found to be involved in an affair, they'll be automatically disqualified. The pageant organizer explained: "In the past, we've never done this, but we decided to do it this year because it seems being a mistress has become a trend. We hope to teach the women to have a correct attitude. It's not a very good road to go down. So you first must refuse the man." Amen, sister.

Maybe Hollywood needs to start distributing the same contracts to actresses and directors too.  Cause everyone knows the worst thing about adultery is when it fucks with the weekend box office.