BLOW OFF song of the day: Age of Consent by New Order

Won't you please let me go
These words lie inside, they hurt me so
And I'm not the kind that likes to tell you
Just what I want to do
I'm not the kind that needs to tell you
Just what you want me to.
-New Order, 1983

the "how have you been?" BLOW OFF

What is it about a break up that makes us want to reach out to past loves to comfort ourselves?  And I'm not even talking about reaching out to them in hopes of a little reunion nookie.  I'm talking when you just have this urge to catch up and maybe even remember what it was like when someone loved you. There's something incredibly tempting (and sadly romantic in an Annie Hall sort of way) about reconnecting with an ex, years later, just to see how much you've both changed.  Or haven't changed at all.
I'm definitely guilty of doing this.  Pre-marriage, whenever I went through a break up, I had a tendency to send that friendly "how have you been" email to a couple of my exes.  Neither of them even lived in the same city as me, so there wasn't even a chance that we could hook up.  Maybe I just needed a little email attention from the opposite sex.  Maybe even a small virtual flirtation was my way of putting Neosporin on an open wound.  Sometimes, when you're mourning your current relationship, it's also a nice reminder that you CAN get over things.  There once was a time that the exes you email out of curiosity were the ones that back in the day, made you feel like your insides were slowly dissolving.

I know Katie Holmes can relate.  Now that she's out of the cult of Scientology and divorced from Tom Cruise, she made a "how have you been" phone call to Joshua Jackson (Pacey and Joey Forever!).  Jackson described the call as, "very nice, actually." Right after they dated Holmes said of their relationship  "I'm just going to say that I met somebody last year, I fell in love, I had my first love, and it was something so incredible and indescribable."  I think it's probably too late for these former love birds, what with him being in love with Diane Kruger and all, but it's nice to know that even celebs have the urge to make that out of the blue phone call to old flames.

Have you guys ever succumbed to the "how have you been" email/phone call?  Have you ever received one?  How did it go?  Comment below!

BLOW OFF Questionnaire: meet 20 LA Wannabe!

Yay!  Meet my new favorite contributor-- 20 LA Wannabe.  Her dating exploits are, wait for it, legendary.  She was gracious enough to answer our BLOW OFF questionnaire.  If you'd like to be as hip and cool as her, then email us your answers to theblowoffwtf@gmail.com

I hate guys who...are condescending to women, show off, use the rules from the book The Game, and wear Levi's jeans.
I love guys who...have a great sense of humor, don't let me get away with my antics, appreciate my materialism, have a good relationship with their family, are honest and loyal, and let me be me.
My worst break up was...when my live-in ex was telling me he wanted to marry me one month and the next month walked out and to this day still hasn't spoken a word to me or given me a reason that he left.
My easiest break up was...None. When I'm in it, I'm in it. I don't enter into relationships lightly and the endings are usually devastating.
My three deal breakers are....being too religious, not being obsessed with food, not wanting children.
I've been in love 3 times for real and with about ten celebrities that have no idea that I even exist.
I've had my heart broken 2 times.
I've broken no hearts that I'm aware of.
My go to sad break up song is.....My Favorite Mistake by Sheryl Crow.
My go to "fuck you" break up song is....a mixture of Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know", Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" & Dixie Chicks "Not Ready To Make Nice". I know the last one is about politics but it still works incredibly well for a break up.
Angelina Jolie...Sucks! Forever Team Aniston.
Reality TV....takes jobs away from people like me! BUT I'm a sucker for the BRAVO Housewives of any city. My opening line in the credits would be: My hair and my boobs may be fake, but ALL of my feelings are real (wink)

Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Really Just Say That To Me?

You know how people say that you don't appreciate the way things were until they change? Personally, I feel like I'm very good at taking in moments and being acutely aware of situations that are going well. It's probably because I feel like the other shoe will inevitably drop and when I'm curled up in the fetal position drinking vodka straight out of the bottle and listening to Taylor Swift songs on a loop, I want to try to remember that I was once happy and can hopefully convince myself that I will be happy again one day.

You'd think that because of my hypersensitivity to embracing the present that I would be more at peace when things go awry. Well, you'd be wrong. In my years of dating I've successfully managed to avoid any interactions with my date's ex-girlfriends...that is until this past weekend. So here's the Cliff's Notes for the back story. I met a cute guy, we ended up going out for drinks the following evening. Things were going well...he wasn't super thrilled about my job, but given that my profession sometimes negatively affects his profession I was prepared for that. I didn't want to lie and have it become an issue later so I came clean. I mean if I actually ended up in a relationship with this person I'd have to eventually tell the truth and then I would have carried on the lie for a lot longer. Since I was having fun with him I just decided to bite the bullet. It wasn't met with great reception but it wasn't something that couldn't be recovered from. Since I was honest, he decided to be as well and told me about his most recent break up. Now when I say most recent, I mean recent. I mean like a week ago.

Another sidebar, but I feel like people should have to disclose if they literally just got out of a relationship. It's not fair to find out when you're already on the date and it's too late to do anything about it. I'm not up for the whole rebound thing and even if they were to claim it wasn't a rebound situation they would be lying and are definitely not over the other person yet, regardless of who broke up with whom.

So again we're off to a rocky start but at least it is all out there. Please excuse the diatribe but it does have relevance to the rest of the story. He was really cute and seemed really nice and was honest so I was up for seeing where things could possibly go. So we decide to head out and who do we run into leaving the bar but the ex-girlfriend. Yes, the most recent one. He introduced us and I decided to be overly friendly and overcompensate for the fact that I felt super awkward. Well, she clearly didn't have any qualms about how she came off. She immediately started interrogating us. How did you meet? What mutual friend introduced you? Are you working together? And just berated us with questions. I was trying to be a good sport and mostly just stood there and let him do the talking. And then, this girl has the nerve to turn to me and ask me if I am a porn star. Excuse me? First of all I was wearing a Gucci sweater, cut-offs, and heels. I wasn't dressed like Courtney Stodden for Christ's sake. And porn star? That's what she came up with? That doesn't even make sense. She could've at least had the wherewithal to ask if I was an escort. She wouldn't have looked quite as stupid then. Since none of you know what I look like, you will just have to trust me that I pretty much look the opposite of a porn star.

The blood was bubbling up underneath my skin and through my clenched jaw I told my date that I was going to be outside smoking a cigarette and I excused myself. This is a huge personal victory for me. I am no stranger to vicious rhetoric and when I fight, I fight dirty and I hit below the belt. I usually would've torn this girl to shreds or knocked the bitch out, but I figured that she was so crazy she wasn't worth it.

I realize this was her reacting to seeing her ex with another girl, but please, are you fucking kidding me? I get she was upset/jealous/hurt/fragile/any combination of these...but girls really need to stop tearing other girls down. First off, she just looked like she was psychotic, which she clearly was, but she could've pretended like she was cool and maybe he would've reconsidered their relationship.

After that the rest of the evening was obviously awkward. He apologized for her, but I was already emotionally drained by that time and this isn't even my drama. Between the job scenario and the former flame outburst, I highly doubt I'll be hearing from this guy again. Have any of you ever been in the situation where you encounter your date or new S.O.'s ex? If so, was it friendly?

And PS, if a Gucci sweater and cut-offs makes me look like a porn star, I don't want to be mainstream.

XO,

Wannabe

the family picture BLOW OFF

How do you guys feel about photo-ops with your significant other when it comes to an event like a wedding or a family reunion? I've always been a little iffy with this stuff-- I mean, who wants to look at a picture from your best friend's wedding and see THAT GUY that broke your heart three months later, frozen in time with his arm draped around you? Not me.

When the H bomb and I had been dating for about a year and a half, my sister got married. He was my date to the wedding obvi, but when it came to taking the group photo with all of our aunts, uncles, and cousins, I didn't go out of my way to have him in the shot. Even though I knew in my heart of hearts that we were going to end up together-- I almost didn't want to jinx it. So, he's not in the picture. But my cousin's ex-boyfriend is.

My uncle started this family tradition twenty-five years ago where he gets all of my cousins together for a weekend that usually involves making some sort of funny home video. I didn't bring the H-bomb the first time around, because again, what if it didn't work out and I was forever reminded by our break-up via home movie? I finally bit the bullet and brought him along two weeks before we got engaged.  But there are an array of exes in the videos we've made.  I took an even bigger risk a couple years prior when I made my parents an iMovie for their 35th wedding anniversary that had lots of pics of the H-bomb way before he popped the question. Even after my parents saw the video they told me that I better end up with him or else I'd have to take all the pictures out. 

Luckily, I did. Our wedding was last year and even now I can tell you there are several couples whose love is frozen in time in our photos-- who are sadly no longer together.

So, it's a risky thing taking a group photo with someone you're dating. When it's just the two of you in a photograph and things don't pan out, it's easy enough to delete all of the jpgs from your hard drive, but you can't necessarily ask your friends or family members to set fire to their wedding photographs. So, here's what I suggest if there's that part of you that wants to take a picture with the person you're dating, but doesn't want to have to look at it down the line if you end up hating them. Find a really, really, really tall person to stand in front of them for the pic. It's a win-win. You don't hurt their feelings by not including them, but when you look at the pictures years to come, you can just pretend they were never there.

BLOW OFF song of the day: Are You Sure by Willie Nelson

Oh, look around you
Look down the bar from you
At the faces that you see
Are you sure that this is where you want to be
These are your friends
But are they real friends
Do they love you as much as me
Are you sure that this is where you want to be 
-Willie Nelson, 1965

the free spirit BLOW OFF

One of my least favorite archetypes in movies is the super care-free quirky girl that wants to  make snow angels in the sand and sing Morrisey in elevators.  She's fun, she's spontaneous, she wears her hair down, she's sucks the marrow out of life.

I hate this bitch.  I feel like she was put in movies to make girls like me feel like shit for asking their boyfriends to do the dishes or for actually worrying about things like a 401K and job security.  And what's worse, she's letting real life crazy girls off the freaking hook.  Now, if a chick is clearly making stupid life decisions, she can chalk it up to being bohemian and different and turning her nose up at societal expectations.  I know, I know.  I shouldn't be so judgmental.  There's no "one right path" to take in life.  Some people really are just being their authentic selves.  But some of those people are also just being stupid and crazy.  And making me feel like a nerdy loser for having my shit together in the process.

Obvi, there's a little part of me that wishes I was more like Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  Or Natalie Portman in Garden State.  But I'm not that girl.  I'm more like Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air.

And I guess that's okay.  I mean, sure Drew Barrymore was a lot of fun when she'd glide on top of a  convertible in Mad Love, but she also burned way too many candles and cried a lot.  Basically, she was bat-shit crazy.

the BLOW OFF questionnaire: meet Tiffany!

There's nothing that makes me happier than a reader I've never met e-mailing us to fill out our BLOW OFF questionnaire.  Tiffany from San Francisco totes made my day!  And I love all her answers.  If you want to be as cool as her, then email us at theblowoffwtf@gmail.com with your answers to our questionnaire.  For now, meet my new favorite person Tiffany:

I love guys who…have impeccable hygiene, mannerisms, and chivalry. And a passport full of stamps.
I hate guys who... have to use a curse word in every sentence, poor hygiene, atrocious bathrooms, and never reciprocate...On any level.
My worst break up was…the fungus I dated for six years. I realized I never truly loved him… I was so angry with myself for allowing it to continue, and even more irate I needed years of therapy to heal from the emotional abuse.
My easiest break up was…7th grade summer. Sent him a "Dear John" postcard from Florida.
My three deal breakers are… bad tipper, no sense of style, homebody.
I've been in love 2 times.
I've had my heart broken 7 times..truly I crush HARD.
I've broken 3 hearts.
My go to sad break up song is… Cheap Trick I want you to want me or Nobody does it better by Carly Simon.
My go to "fuck you" break up song is…. You're so vain by Carly Simon. Never gets old.
The song I would most want a guy to play outside my window with a boom box is…anything by Frank Sinatra. Or Jason Mraz, "If it kills me"
I knew he wasn't the one when… he said he hated Coldplay. Seriously?!? Hate is such a strong word. They are only the best band ever. Ok well next to U2. But, hate? AYFKM?
I knew he was the one when…not there yet. but will definitely update you when it happens. I still have HOPE!
Angelina Jolie…I commend her for her efforts towards World Peace. :) I will always be Team Jen!
Reality TV…. if I am completely hung over and want to feel better about myself, I watch Bravo or E!

the top ten things you want in a rebound

Rebounds are what makes the world go round. Okay, not really...but they can ease the pain of a bad break up with some meaningless sex and hopefully a few dinners out. They can also be really dangerous. If you're not careful when choosing a rebound-- you could suddenly end up A. feeling shittier about your break up OR B. In a serious relationship with someone that was just supposed to smack your ass and split their burrata appetizer.

A rebound needs to be someone that's good enough to make you feel better in the short term, but not so good that you might actually stay with them in the long term. Because going straight from one relationship to another is not healthy. So, here are the top ten characteristics that make for a good rebound.

10. A major physical flaw like man boobs or back acne or a crooked penis. Something that's just disturbing enough to keep you from wanting to look at it every day BUT not readily evident to the outside world. Hell, if you are going to run into your ex with this person, they should look pretty good with clothes on. But when you get them naked your first thought should be "I can work with this...for two to six weeks."

9. A super lame sense of humor. You don't want to a rebound that makes you laugh all the time. Laughter can be confused with happiness, happiness can be confused with love, love can be confused with together forever. Before you know it, you're marrying someone who's only good quality is that they make you giggle. All I have to say to that is: weed, Larry David, and getting your feet scrubbed during a pedicure. All things that make you laugh that you don't have to commit to for life.

8. A plane ride or one tank of gas away. A long distance rebound is def ideal, because then you don't have to see them all the time and when you do see each other it's like hanging out in this fake alternate universe that has no impact on your real life.

7. Terrible taste in music. If you can find someone that rocks out in their car to say-- Nickelback or Creed or John Mayer B sides, then there's a pretty good chance you will never get emotionally attached to them at all. Or ever have the urge to introduce them to your friends. Or ever get won over by their mixed CDS.

6. Decent middle of the road sex. It's not so bad that you curl up in a ball afterwards screaming "Why WHY?? WHY????" But not so good where you can't catch your breath afterwards and/or feel like your vagina is having a dance party. This can be tricky, because some times the sex is the best with people you're not really into. But you don't want to end up dating someone for 3+ years purely because the sex is good. Cause for all you know, that person could get into a terrible boating accident and end up paralyzed from the forehead down and then what?

5. At least one to two huge disconnects. Rebounds are one of those rare dating times where you actually want to hook up with someone that possesses a few of your deal-breakers. So...if you're an Atheist, consider finding a rebound on Christian Mingle. If you shop primarily at Anthropologie, consider trolling Christian Audigier outlets.

4. The still in the closet, straight, gay man. A rebound that's just gay enough where you could never realistically find them attractive or consider marrying them, but just in denial enough about it that they'll try to sweep you off your feet with lavish dinners and theater tickets. And they won't even groan when you just feel like staying in to watch Sex and the City reruns.

3. The guy you've already dated. But are totally not interested in at all anymore. There is some danger in this rebound, because if they make you feel like you're regressing-- well, then you just end up getting more depressed about your break up. But it can also be easier and more comfortable than finding someone completely new to get naked with. Here's what I suggest you do every time you're about to see this person. Pretend your car is a time machine. Put the key in the ignition and start singing "Come with me and you'll be in a world on pure imagination." Start the engine and play it off like you've just traveled back to 2007 and that's the only reason you're still sleeping with them.

2. Someone with an annoying pipe dream they're completely obsessed with. Like, maybe he has a decent job but he wants to be an actor. But a leading man even though his face has character actor written all over it. Or maybe he wants to be a writer, but his screenplay is awful. Or maybe he wants to be the head of some creepy religious cult. Rebounds like this are great, because they totally lack self awareness and will drive you nuts by asking you to give everyone you know their resume. It's the perfect combination of "I can only date you for three months before I will want to commit a murder-suicide."

1. Tom Cruise. Otherwise known as all of the above.

When Is It Time To Move On?

It's not over until the fat lady sings, right?  Well, living in LA unless you're considering 135lbs fat, there won't be any sign that things have actually come to an end.  So how do you know when it's time to cut ties and say sayonara or when to pursue a potential relationship?  Once again, I blame the entertainment industry.  How many movies and TV shows have scenes with the heroine saying "Well, I guess he's just not that into me, and even though I really like him, I haven't heard from him in a few weeks, so I should just calmly move on."  NEVER.  We always see a Carrie Bradshaw-esq character devising some plan to manipulate the situation to get the outcome that she wants.  And as it is entertainment, the character usually does get exactly what he/she wants.

In real life it isn't so easy.  If we are pursuing our dream job, our parents and various quotes on Pintrest and Twitter tell us that if we dream it, it's possible and to never give up.  Unfortunately it doesn't work that way in love.  We live in a world where the phone call is dead.  Men ask women out (and follow up) via texting, Facebook which makes it easy for them to just phase you out.  Sometimes they just stop texting.  No reason, no inciting incident, they just stop.  Sure, there is probably a reason but it's unbeknownst to us.  But when is it time to let go and when is it time for the full court press?

I know what you're thinking- they're probably seeing someone else.  In some cases that's definitely true but there is definitely more than one explanation.  Perhaps they weren't sure that you were into them and instead of potentially getting hurt they decided to bail.  Or something could be going on at work, or dozens of other reasons.  So here's the question...when you stop hearing from them, if you like them, when do you reach out to put that final effort in and when do you move on?  I personally think that if you want to reach out, do it.  You won't ever live with the "what if I had just said something" feeling. There's never any harm in being honest and saying that you enjoyed spending time with someone.  Obviously it goes without saying that when you reach out you need to be sincere and not a psycho chick.  But even if your gesture goes unanswered (as mine did) I know that I put myself out there and now I can move on with no regrets.  But I'm also 28 and single, so please use with caution.  When do you say goodbye and move on?

sorry we haven't been updating...

...but we've been really busy.  And we had to wash our hair.  And we had family in town.  And we had to remodel our pool house.   What?  We don't have a pool house?  We don't even have a house or a pool?  GOD!  Why do you have to be so clingy and desperate and call us out on our shit all the time.  We promise we'll have lots more new posts next week.  And just to make it up to you, here's a picture of a cute pug:

Stay tuned for posts next week on when to move on, the top ten things to look for in a rebound, and a hot off the presses questionnaire from one of our loyal readers.

We hope you all get some hot action this weekend!

xoxo
The Blow Off

Oh, and here's the blow off song of the day!

Two by Ryan Adams

Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds: an analysis

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds got married over the weekend after dating for nearly a year...just fourteen months after his divorce to Scarlett Johansson was final.  Here's my psycho-analysis of the situation.

A.  Ryan Reynolds.  A lot of people say Ryan Reynolds just doesn't do it for them.  I am not one of those people.  He's got good hair, brown eyes, a chiseled face, and a nice body.  His acting skills are average at best, but to me that just makes him a little more human.  Plus, he's really funny.  Have you seen Just Friends?  And he's Canadian which means he's nicer than the average guy.

B. Blake Lively.  I have been known to call Blake Lively one of the prettiest people ever.  I have thought so since Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.  This is a controversial thing to say, especially since she's a white blonde girl that's really skinny.  But it's just how I feel.  If I could walk around in her outfits and have her legs for just one day, my self esteem would never be the same again.  The girl dresses well and is besties with Christian Louboutin which means she gets all the best shoes for life.  Blake Lively's acting skills make Ryan Reynolds look like Daniel Day Lewis.  I mean, fine, everyone says she's good in the Pippa whatever movie, but I think like most gorgeous people, we are holding her to a much lower bar than say Gabourey Sidibe.

Their relationship history:

A. Ryan Reynolds was engaged to Alanis Morissette, but then broke her heart into a million pieces when he broke up with her.  She's a little older than him and I'm guessing was too assertive and direct about what she wanted.  Then, four years ago he married Scarlett Johansson when she was just twenty-three years old (he was 31 at the time.)  ScarJo totally broke his heart when she filed for divorce and started dating Sean Penn.  Reynolds was linked to Charlize Theron for awhile, but Blake Lively was the first person he seriously dated since his divorce.

B. Blake Lively dated her Gossip Girl co-star Penn Badgley for a long time until she looked in the mirror, realized she was super hot, and decided to fuck her way through Hollywood.  She briefly dated Ryan Gosling.  Then, she had a steamy European vacation love affair with Leonardo Dicaprio who she allegedly dumped when Ryan Reynolds became available.  I repeat: she dumped Leonardo Dicaprio.

When you look at all the evidence, Ryan Reynolds may have made a huge mistake once again.  Here's why: he's opted for women 8-10 years his junior.  With ScarJo, he got someone younger and hotter than Alanis, but she still wore the pants in the relationship...and she didn't want to be tied down.  He was heartbroken.  Lively was his even younger, arguably just as hot, rebound.  And she's a girl that likes to bake and eat ice cream and ride bikes and walk his dog in high heels.  I don't think there's much she ever complains about or holds him accountable for.  Thus, Reynolds totes wears the pants in this relationship. All sounds great so far...

Now, Blake Lively has never really seriously had her heartbroken (okay, maybe a little bit by Ryan Gosling), which means that she's not terrified by the notion of being single and playing the field.  Relationships have generally always worked out for her.  But she's also the type of girl that's lived a very fabulous life and still comes from a tight-knit family which means...she's not terrified at the prospect of motherhood or monogamy the way ScarJo probably was.  I mean, there's a 99% chance there's a lima bean sized baby in her uterus as I type this.

Here's where things get complicated:

SHE'S TWENTY-FIVE AND FAMOUS.

Do you think in three years she's going to be happy when she's toting around a three year old and Ryan Reynolds is off in South Africa shooting Safe House 3 which for now some reason stars Sandra Bullock?  NO.  She's going to want some excitement back in her life and she's going to want it in the form of a co-star or actor-slash-director.  All I'm saying is that Ryan Reynolds better watch his back if Ben Affleck ever becomes a free agent.

But seriously, I wish those kids the best.  And like, really...I don't care about this stuff.

My Ex-Boyfriend Got Engaged

You know what would suck about being a celebrity? The swag? No. The money? Fuck no. The access to the most luxurious vacations on the planet? Hardly. I've always thought that the worst thing about being famous would be that you wouldn't be able to live in denial about what your now exes are up to. You go to the grocery store to pick up milk and you can see your ex sucking face with his younger girlfriend on the cover of a tabloid while you decide between Sweet Mint or WildBerry Remix Orbit gum. Well, thanks to Facebook, and their lovely new status notifications on the right side, you are more than able to see when your ex moves on without the perk of everything from Chanel's new winter line.

This happened to me over the weekend and my reaction surprised me. Log on and boom: Your Ex is ENGAGED to Some Other Ho. I'll give you a brief synopsis by saying this ex was the love of my life up to this point. He's not the love of my life, but until now he's the only person that I've dated that fits the title. He was the person that made me love someone more than myself and truly be selfless- which if you knew what a materialistic bitch I am in real life, would hold much more weight for you. This is someone that had openly told me that he wanted to marry me and would always say "together forever". In fact, through no fault of my own when I was going on my routine rummage of his things (we lived together) I found a card he bought me for our last anniversary that said "For My Wife". Although when the occasion actually rolled around and I didn't receive it that should have been a hint. Regardless I was first in line for the position of fiance.

So when I saw the lovely news in my newsfeed my reaction wasn't what I expected. I always thought that my mental state would be a mixture of Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know" and every Adele song off 21. But I was surprisingly calm. Bizarre, yet calm. I won't lie, I think the fact that objectively I look like Brooklyn Decker compared to his new fiance helped, but I felt oddly at peace. That part of my life was officially closed. Not that it hadn't been since our break-up was extremely nasty and also a few years ago, but it was officially cemented. I felt like I was free in a way and even hopeful. Who will I marry, I wondered. I'm still at the beginning part of my career which could possibly take me anywhere, who knows? I'm not sure if I'm more mature or if time really does heal all wounds. But regardless, I'm proud of myself. I would never say it to him, but I even for a brief second thought "congratulations" and "good luck to them."

So sometimes the fear of something or an event really is worse than it actually happening. And also we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. And at the very least, you're probably hotter than the new guy/girl.

R.I.P.: Will Arnett & Amy Poehler

NOOOOO!!!!!  Say it isn't so.  Another couple calls it quits before hitting the pricey ten year mark of marriage.  This makes me really sad, because these two seemed so freaking cute together.  Plus, what's not to love about Amy Poehler?  And for the love of God, they did a Gap ad together.  I'm really just too depressed to comment at this time.  What's next?  Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman?

Is it bad that I kind of want her to date Will Forte now?

Revenge of the BLOW OFF: airplane bomb threat?!

What is it with crazy exes? I feel like when two people go through a break up there needs to be a mandated period of time where each party is subjected to daily psych evaluations and placed on a heavy regiment of anti-depressants.

I just heard this story about a psycho ex-girlfriend who called authorities claiming Christopher Shell (he ex-bf) had boarded a US Airways flight from Philly to Dallas with explosives. The plane turned around after takeoff, landed at the airport, and six Navy Seals apprehended Shell.

Turns out the guy is just a salesman who was the victim of a hoax orchestrated by his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend...who will most likely face federal charges. Bitches be crazy!

BLOW OFF song of the day: Don't Look Back in Anger by Oasis

Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
Cause you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out
So, Sally can wait
She knows it's too late as she's walking on by now
My soul slides away
We don't look back in anger
I heard you say
-Oasis, 1996

the BLOW OFF: scientology style

I've been fascinated all week with the story that surfaced about Tom Cruise's arranged dating life PRE-Katie Holmes.  It's common knowledge that he interviewed a bunch of actresses before settling down with "Kate" but what wasn't common knowledge was that the Church of Scientology found him a new GF before Joey Potter even came into the picture.

So, here's what apparently went down according to this Vanity Fair article that's just come out.  A few months before his romance with Katie Holmes began, top Sci-Ti's were interviewing women within the church to find a new girlfriend for Tommy.  After months of auditing various women (auditing: that crazy thing they do where they basically force you to tell them your deepest darkest secrets), they decided on the actress Nazanin Boniadi-- which was crazy to me, because I've actually met Nazanin.  Back when I was an exec at ABC Daytime, we cast her in a show called Night Shift (a spin-off of General Hospital) and then later, we gave her a role on GH.  I was super excited that we cast her, because she's Iranian (just like me, yo) and it meant we would have a Middle Eastern character on the show.  I had no clue about her involvement in Scientology and I don't think anyone at the show had any inclination of it.  In other words, if she was still a Scientologist, she definitely wasn't advertising it.

ANYWAY-- Nazanin was flown to New York to have dinner with Tommy boy at Nobu...but there were a bunch of other Sci-Ti's there monitoring them.  She realized pretty quickly that this was some sort of arranged marriage situation, but started dating him anyway.  They apparently lived together for a couple of months.  Boniadi lost all access to any of her own bank accounts and was given a credit card to use for any expenditures (um, that part kind of sounds awesome).  But Cruise ended up not being all that crazy about her, because she didn't kiss his ass enough and because she didn't have her own power like his ex-wife Nicole Kidman.  So, here's how they broke up.

Nazanin was told by the church that Tom would no longer be seeing her and quickly moved out their place into the Scientology Celebrity Center.   She was supposedly in love with him at this point and wanted to talk with him directly, but it wasn't allowed.  Instead, she was then flown to Florida to Sci Ti Headquarters-- where once it came out that she had mentioned to a friend she'd dated Tommy-- they tortured her by making her...clean a toilet with a toothbrush.  Those assholes!

These people are seriously crazy.  When is someone going to come out and completely expose them?   I thought it would be Katie, but all she's doing is following Suri all over New York City.  Ugh.  And I feel really crappy for Nazanin. She seems like a good person, she fights for human rights in Iran AND she has a British accent. She doesn't deserve this. She should totally blow the whistle on these crazy aliens.

Side note: if any guy dumped me and then forced me to clean a toilet with a tooth brush, I would fucking kill him.

Vodka Vagina: it's really a thing

We live in a world where people struggle with severe depression and anxiety.  Life is hard, the economy is down, and sometimes we feel like we have nowhere to turn.  But there's another ailment besides endometriosis and general craziness that strikes women...that is Vodka Vagina.  Some of you may know exactly what I mean as soon as you read the term Vodka Vagina, but for those of you that don't, let me break it down for you.

You know when you're heading out on a Friday night with your girlfriends and you just wanna dance and have fun with your gal pals and you're not even looking for a guy, but then you have a few vodka sodas and you're horny as fuck?  So horny that you make out with and even possibly consider going home with the guy that you've learned doesn't even have a car?

Vodka Vagina.

Vodka Vagina can plague even the most stable, healthy women during a night out on the town.  There's just something about a few cocktails that gets our lady parts going down there.  The symptoms can be tingling, wetness, and a general disregard for your dignity.  I don't know what it is about the mixture of being single, alcohol, and someone with a Y chromosome but Vodka Vagina is all too real.  I myself have experienced Vodka Vagina when I've least expected it.  Sometimes I end up with a great story and sometimes, all I end up with is regret.  I don't think we will ever find a cure for Vodka Vagina, but I wouldn't want to live in a world where it doesn't exist.  Sometimes we need to lower our inhibitions and get revved up.  I certainly don't want to be the 50 year old woman wishing I had experienced more in life before I settled down. So though it sometimes gets me in a spot of trouble, thank you Vodka Vagina!

Do you have any Vodka Vagina stories?  If so, please share!
xo

the "you can't bring your husband" BLOW OFF

There's something you guys should know about me: I could literally watch the Real Housewives of any city, USA twenty-four hours straight.  I LOVE watching middle-aged Botoxed women with money get drunk and scream at each other.  Last night's episode of Real Housewives of New York (entitled "slutty island") did not disappoint.  Here's a recap in case you don't watch (I promise, this will turn into a more universal BLOW OFF post in a minute.)  The ladies are all vacationing in this sick house in St. Barts for a girl's trip.  The only person that couldn't make the trip is Aviva (she has one leg and severe panic disorder), who declined the invite because she can't deal with flying on a little plane-- especially without her husband (Reed, quite possibly the nicest man in the world.)

SO, Reed decides that he will escort Aviva to St. Barts so she can party with her girlfriends and not miss out on a week of screen time.  I don't like to fly either, so I felt Aviva's pain and I thought it was really sweet how her husband helped get her through it.  But once they arrive at the house, the shit hits the fan.  Aviva feels that some of the women were not grateful enough to her husband, because they're  upset his being there will "change the dynamic of the trip."  She loses her mind and calls two of the women (Ramona and Sonja-- the two craziest bitches you'll ever meet) WHITE TRASH.

A huge fight ensues with Aviva telling Carol (the fake host of the weekend, we all know this shit was paid for by Bravo) that she and Reed are going to stay in a hotel unless Carol asks Ramona and Sonja to leave.  In the end, they all hug and no one goes to a hotel...until next week when they scream at each other some more.

Anyway.  The point is, I'm weirdly on the fence on whose side I'm on.  Don't get me wrong, I'm never on Ramona's side because she's bat shit-- AND Aviva's husband is super sweet and wasn't going to hang out with the ladies the whole time-- but I also don't think it's good to be the chick that needs to bring your man everywhere you go.  And Aviva was a little over the top on how much she wanted the women to throw her a party and bow down to her man.

I am a big fan of girl's nights and actually prefer to hang out with my friends and significant other separately...but sometimes you do feel pressure from friends to not bring your guy along.  It's kind of odd to find yourself in the position where you need to ask permission if you can bring your spouse with you.  But when I was single, I HATED it when my friends would sneak attack by bringing their bfs to dinner or drinks and turning me into a third wheel without even giving me the time to mentally prepare for it.

So, what do you guys think? Are you Team Ramona or Team Aviva when it comes to husbands mixing with girlfriends?