Monday, January 14, 2013

How Do THESE Female Celebrities Get Boyfriends??

I'm going to start by vehemently denying that I'm that girl.  I'm really not.  No...really.  I'm not the girl that is always looking for a boyfriend.  I'm not the girl that needs a guy to be happy.  I'm not the girl that looks for a new guy every time I go out.  I'm not the girl that has her wedding planned and just insert any groom here.  I am however ready to have a real relationship again.  I've finally gotten through all of the bullshit and pain and have done some work on myself and feel ready to be with someone. But just because I'm ready doesn't mean that guys are.  Some guys have been hurt as well and don't want to take that risk again.  Some guys have the LA mentality that there's always something better around the corner so they refuse to commit for fear of missing out on that other opportunity.  And some guys are just douches.

At the risk of sounding a wee bit egotistical, I'm a pretty good catch.  I'm ambitious and not needy. Although from a majority of the dating literature/advice I've been reading, a lot of guys actually do like being needed even if that borders on neediness.  And I'm very generous in a relationship and know the value of compromise.  That leads me to my dilemma.  How do some female celebrities keep getting these boyfriends?!?  I'm not talking about the serial daters.  I'm talking about when people refer to their S.O. as their actual boyfriend.

I'm always very wary of using the B-word.  I never want guys to think I'm being clingy or that I've made assumptions about the relationship that we've yet to discuss.  But these women just seem to throw it around.  How are they getting these guys to commit?  Yes, the argument can be made that the people that they date have their own agendas.  They're trying to become more famous or are in it for the whole Sugar Mama aspect of it all.  But that still doesn't change the fact that (regardless if they are cheating on the woman) they have had a conversation that they want to be together.  Below are the women I'm thinking of and only the first free word association reasons that I was able to come up with on why they are bad mates.
Paris Hilton
Herpes.  Sex tape. Racial & homophobic slurs.  Shall I go on?  I just don't see how or why men keep dating Paris Hilton. There isn't enough money or potential fame in the world to get me intertwined in The World According To Paris.  I'm sure that she has nothing to talk about.  I used to know someone who wasn't friends with her but hung out with her on a semi-regular basis through other people and the only insult she was ever able to muster up about another girl was calling her fat. So, not that it's surprising, but we're not exactly dealing with a Rhodes Scholar here.  Granted who knows if she'll ever be able to lock anyone down for good and her current model boyfriend is 21 but she can always Sharon Stone it and become a cougar.  And despite her Valtrex perscription she's somehow getting these guys to commit!

Lindsay Lohan
Do I really need to list reasons?  Drug addict.  Alcoholic. High-speed PCH chaser.  Former felon. Mentally unstable.  Rumored call girl.  I don't know if that guy Max from the band The Wanted calls himself her boyfriend but he certainly wasn't deterred from banging her and having it be public knowledge.  The fact that any man is OK with being even remotely associated with her is a fascinating psychological case study.  And sadly, she might even have another official boyfriend before I do.


Demi Moore
OK, I'd never want to trade places with Demi Moore.  She clearly has...well, lets just call them issues.  She only dates younger men.  And while her relationship with Vito Schnabel fizzled quicker than New Coke did (the drink, I haven't found some new super drug), they were together. She's old. She's way too thin.  But she's still getting guys to hit it and not quit it right away.  Plus, she has three kids who aren't exactly angels and an action hero ex-husband.  All things I would think men wouldn't want to get involved with.  But by this point in my post I'm sure you've all figured out that I clearly have no idea what I'm talking about.

Demi Lovato
Continuing on my Demi kick...Former drug addict.  Bi-Polar.  Former self-cutter.  Eating disorder. While I think it's admirable that Demi is so open about all of her struggles that is all a lot to handle. But that hasn't chased Wilmer Valderamma away.  I'm just saying, it's a little disconcerting for other women when you can have drug problems, mental illness, self-mutilation and body image problems and she can still land a man.  Maybe instead of hating I should ask her for advice?
Christina Aguilera
Just threw in good ole Xtina for fun.  I'm actually surprised, and happy for her, that she and her boy toy Matthew Rutler (pictured above) have been together for a few years.  I'm sure she picks up the tab on everything, but I'm also pretty sure that homegirl is a little cray cray.  But I guess a Bentley and having the tab picked up for all of your meals at Osteria Mozza is worth it to some men.

Chelsea Handler
I used to love Chelsea Handler.  Circa "Are You There Vodka? It's Me Chelsea" and around the first few months of Chelsea Lately.  Then she started shoving herself up Jennifer Aniston's ass and her show became really popular and she just because too full of herself.  Anyway, while I have no personal knowledge of this, I hear she is a huge see you next tuesday.  Like, people HATE her that work for her.  Again, all just rumors, but that's good enough for me.  How in the hell did she bag Ted Harbert (the former head of E! who gave her the Chelsea Lately show) and now Andre Balazs (who owns the infamous Chateau Marmont among many other hotels all over the world).  Is it true?  Do men like bitches?  Does her koslapis taste like beer and hot wings?  Plus she looks way older than her age.  She claims she's only 37.  If there were ever a PSA to stop drinking and live a clean lifestyle, she is it.  So she's apparently mean and looks haggard.  I'm stumped on this one.
The Teen Moms
Almost every Teen Mom, even Amber before she went to jail and she probably has a LURD (Lesbian Until Release Date), has had one if not multiple relationships on the show that is not with their baby daddy.  Some of them have even gotten married!  No, I would not want to date any of the men that these girls do...except for maybe Tyler Baltierra, but they are still having relationships!  They are children and they have children, but these guys seem to look the other way or for some reason don't see the child or baby daddy as baggage.  Just WTF on this one...WTF.

So there you have it.  And I continue to ask "what am I doing wrong?"  Just another reason Hollywood is crazy.


  1. OK, I was with you, for the most part, until you called Demi Moore out for being "old."
    Women, you see, unless they die young, continue to have birthdays and to -- gasp! -- get older. You yourself, God willing, will someday be 50, as Demi Moore is -- and it'll come sooner than you think. Should a woman at 50 just hide herself from the world and accept that no one could ever love a woman who chose not to die before she hit 35? Wow. Just -- holy shit, wow. I really feel sad when I see fellow women engage in ageism, especially since, again -- age is going to happen to all of us if we are lucky. And it's not so bad. Really. Plenty of women in their 50s look fabulous and have more to offer than young, tan and blonde nymphs who think, for whatever reason, that they will never get "old." Just...gross. Stop that. Please.

    And by the way, I'm 39 years old and pretty happy to not be dead just yet.

    1. Thanks for your comment Tatiana! I completely agree with you. If you aren't getting older there's a reason for it and it's because your dead. Your comment made me realize that I didn't write the Demi Moore section of this post correctly and I appreciate it.

      It is not that Demi is "old." It is that being 50 years old she keeps going for men half her age. It's everyone's choice to date whomever they like but it clearly didn't work out with Ashton and she keeps going for guys younger and younger. After I had written this post it was rumored she was dating Harry Morton. I am around the same age as these guys and I find that men in this age group aren't ready to give me what I need so I cannot imagine that they would be able to be a compatible partner for a more mature woman.

      I know, I date younger women all the time. And I have the same problem with it. When I see 40 year olds with 21 year olds, aside from the sex I can't imagine that they have anything in common to discuss. And that could be all Demi is really after, in which case she should get hers. But sex does not a boyfriend make.

      So my opinion is I think that it's really sad that instead of trying to find a partner that's her age, Demi has a very clear pattern of trying to seek out these young men. Probably because she herself is not OK with being 50 (per the way she dresses and parties) and doesn't want to admit to herself that she is that age. There was also supposed to be some humor and sarcasm in there that I'm assuming per your comment did not come across like I thought it did.

  2. Hey, thanks for the response. Obviously I understood that your post was hardly a "serious" one. But still, I thought the mention of age was just unnecessary, AND 50 isn't even "old." 80 is old. 50 just isn't. And, hey, it may be worth it to note that Demi and Ashton lasted a pretty long time for a Hollywood couple (as in, more than a year). Who knows what broke them up? Age may have had little to do with it. Generally I do not prefer younger guys as dating partners, but you never know when you might be surprised by someone.

  3. Love this post! I think sadly, a lot of the guys that end up dating these women are douchey fame-whores. Especially paris hilton's boyfriends. I've also heard from various sources that Xtina is a lesbian and this boyfriend of hers is a total beard. Also, I think regarding the demi moore debate: i agree with 20 LA's second comment-- it's not that she's 50, it's that she's so desperate not to be 50. i think women like that actually perpetuate all the crappy stereotypes about getting older. I would much rather be Jane Fonda at 70 than Demi at 50. Side note, I'm pretty sure Chelsea Handler is actually 80.

    1. Yeah, I agree that the Chelsea Handler thing is weird. She looks so sadly used up, and she has since she was in her very early 30s. Really weird. Might just be bad genes, in which case I would feel bad about discussing it. But lifestyle might play a part, too. Not sure what the deal is there, but that lady may need to chill out hard and fast.

    2. I'd rather be Jane Fonda at 70 than me today! Kidding...kind of.

  4. Forget Jane Fonda...Helen Mirren is who we should all aspire to be past 60.

  5. They have boyfriends, 'cause they have money. :P

  6. Ok, just a little education: 50-80% of American adults have oral herpes. That's right: "cold sores" or "fever blisters" are ORAL HERPES. And it's estimated that 50% or more have genital herpes. People need to stop being so ignorant about it. Really, most people have one form or another but unfortunately most people lie about it. It's little more than a skin condition. Get over it.

  7. That being said, Paris Hilton is just an idiot! I don't know why anyone would date her--unless he's a fellow idiot, or a gold-digger, or both. And yeah, Chelsea Handler is full of it if she claims to be in her 30's. She definitely looks 10 years older than that.