Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Luck and the BLOW OFF

So, I’m going to start reading the book Why You’re Not Married Yet—partly out of curiosity, partly because 20 LA Wannabe recommended it, and partly because I want to know if I’ve done the opposite of everything in there, because I am married.

Here’s the answer before I’ve even cracked open the first page. HELL NO.

The truth is, I’ve been looking at my friends that are currently in relationships and my friends that are currently single and the truth is—they are all amazing people--- and there is no common thread between the girls in relationships and the girls that are single. Which confirms to me what I’ve suspected all along. 90% of ending up with someone is luck.  The other 10% is probably timing.

I don't know if putting that out there is comforting to people who want to be in relationships or discouraging.  And let me be perfectly clear: I don't mean to say that we don't grow from each relationship we're in or that there aren't patterns we should avoid repeating as we move forward in our love lives.  It's just that I don't think meeting the person that ended up being my husband had anything to do with me being more evolved or learning a huge life lesson from a previous relationship or because I followed the advice of a self-help book.  It was luck.  It was being in the right place at the right time.  And because we were in a long distance relationship for a year-- it took a string of lucky things to for the relationship  to continue. ( Ex. A job opening in LA in his chosen field that he ended up getting.)

At the end of the day, any couple will tell you that in order for the two of them to meet each other and end up together, there were a series of things that went their way to make it happen.  And I'm sorry, but those things had nothing to do with destiny.  Those things were luck.  Those things could have completely gone the other way.  They just didn't.  So, maybe instead of making ourselves crazy trying to be our best selves, we should all just walk around with rabbit's foot keychains and that'll solve all of our relationship problems. 

What do you guys think?  Am I totally off here?  Comment below!


  1. After reading the book I have to say I'm inclined to agree with you on both of those points. I do however think that the book is in some ways useful (much to both my chagrin and surprise) in helping us get rid of some of our baggage so we don't send potential mates running for the hills after cocktail number two.

    This post reminds me of something that someone a few years older once told me. She said that when a man hits a certain age and is ready to get married it's more about who they're with at the time than the actual person being the best spouse for them as opposed to previous lovers/girlfriends etc. While I agree that timing plays a huge role in who we do or do not end up with, the notion that women are involved in some kind of romantic version of musical chairs and when the music stops and the man is ready he rushes to sit down, or in this case settle down with the one he's next to makes me very sad.

    Nothing about the person's love life who gave me this little pearl of wisdom is idyllic to me so I'm considering the source. Saaara or anyone else do you have thoughts or insights on this?

  2. Thanks Saaara, I've long suspected this. As a single gal I thin my married gfs just want to help in some way. So they say oh right before I met my husband I did x (insert, right a letter to myself, enjoy being alone etc.). I knew them back then and no they did nothing. If I marry tomorrow, I'm sure I could find something I did this week. Oh I did ski, that is it it go on a vaca! To 20LA, yes musical chairs probably too extreme, but I def have seen this with some male friends. Wife was not exactly more suited to them then their previous gfs (sometimes less), but they were in a place where they wanted to make it happen more and that made a better relationship.

  3. I don't totally agree with the musical chairs thing, but I do think if my husband and I had met earlier than we did, then we probably wouldn't have ended up together. He was definitely ready to be in a relationship. But I also wasn't the easiest relationship choice, because I lived in LA and he lived in NY at the time, so it took a lot of extra effort to make things work. It would have been a lot simpler for him to settle down with someone local. I feel like I've also seen more women "settle" where as guys seem to take their time to find the right person and are less afraid of ending a relationship because they don't see themselves spending the rest of their lives with that person. I don't think they have the "I could be alone for the rest of my life" fear as much as us ladies do.

    And anonymous, you're right-- it's hard to not want to give advice to single friends. I'm definitely guilty of it, but I think it needs to come from a place of "my relationship isn't perfect" or else it feels self-righteous. No one has all the answers.

  4. I was in love with him for years, we both moved away and ended up on other sides of the country. After not talking for 7 years, he moves back and our friend (who had since married each other) ask me to reacquaint him with California. In the 7 years of absence, I had completely lost interest and was in a man-hater, post break-up stage, on crutches and pretty tore up in general. We were married a year and a half later. Dumb, freaking luck and a lot of waiting.

    1. awwww, I freaking love that story!!