Thursday, January 10, 2013

the alone time BLOW OFF

The H Bomb and I got into a huge fight last month.  Here's what went down.  You might think it's silly, but just stay with me.

Lately, he's gotten really into hot yoga at this place near our apartment.  We'd been away for the weekend in Dana Point (about 90 minutes south of LA) and he asked me if I wanted to go to a class with him around 5ish when we got back.  I said yes.  Then as the day wore on and we were about to hit the road, he said he was going to bail on yoga, because he was too tired.  I said, cool-- I'm tired too.  Then, during the car ride, I started to feel guilty about not working out, so I mentioned I was going to go on a run when we got home.  A few minutes later, he said he was hoping we could make it home in time so he could make a 4pm yoga class.  And then I got pissed.  We were supposed to go to yoga together.  I only came up with the running alternative, because I thought yoga was off the table.  And now he just wanted to go to yoga without me.  WAAAAAAA!!!!

In the overall scheme of things, this is a stupid thing to get an argument over.  BUT at the time, in my head, I felt like he was choosing to do something alone rather than do something with me and it hurt my feelings.  And of course, like most arguments, it turned into a much bigger discussion of how I feel like he's a little too into alone time.

SO, how much alone time is too much alone time in a relationship?  In general, I'm a girl that craves her solo time.  I love going to the movies alone.  Or taking walks or running errands or going home to see my parents for a weekend without my sig other.  I consider myself fairly independent and yet I was still feeling like bummed out by my husband's need to do stuff without me.  For instance, he goes to a cigar bar most nights after work for an hour.  That bothers me.  The cigar part is only half of it.  Why come home an hour later VS come home an hour earlier and hang out with me?  (but then, full disclosure: when he does get home early, sometimes I'm like crap-- I really could have used that hour to do more writing.)

And now he's really into the outdoors.  Like, half of REI and Patagonia are taking up space in our guest room.  He says he needs to have a hobby.  I wish it was one that wouldn't entail hiking a mountain he could fall off, but he loves it and I love him and it makes me really happy to see how into it he is.  But still, it feels like one other thing to do without me. 

I think part of the problem is that I compare us to other couples who seem to spend every waking hour together on weekends.   We're just not those people.  We're usually off doing our own thing during the day and then we have our date nights. And I guess that's okay.  Maybe it'll mean we'll get sick of each other a lot later in life.  But then again, when couples say they "drifted apart" is that cause they just kept finding things they loved to do without each other?

What do you guys think?  How much alone time is too much alone time when you're in a relationship? 

1 comment:

  1. That's tricky. I guess the "correct" answer would (or should) be that it's unique for every relationship so you should do what feels right for you. I'm personally paranoid to a fault about being thought of as clingy or needy so when I'm in a relationship I don't speak up nearly enough about this issue. Loved this post!