Wednesday, January 2, 2013

The Bachelor 2013: early predictions

I've said it once and I'll say it before: Sean Lowe is going to be a boring Bachelor.  Yes, there will  be a lot of drama that ensues around him.. cause there's always drama when you put twenty-five women in the same house...but I wish The Bachelor was someone a little more dynamic.  I know he's buff and he makes furniture for a living and seems really nice...but he's also a partially albino born-again Christian who may or may not still be a virgin.

Anyway, here are our very early predictions on the top four, based simply on their initial bios.  Believe it or not, there are FOUR African-American women contestants on the show...which is ironic considering Sean is the whitest white guy in all of Whitesville.  Personally, I don't think any of them will make it to the final four BUT we will know if Sean is the leader of the KKK if he eliminates all of them on the first night.

There is also going to be a surprise contestant from a previous season that I think has a very good shot of making it close to the end-- in fact, she'd be perfect for Sean-- but I don't want to spoil it for you, so I've left her off my list.  It wasn't easy narrowing it down.  I will say, Sean probably got the cream of the crop in terms of looks.  Based on their photos, there is no stand out fugly girl in this bunch.

Finalist #1: Desiree, 26, Bridal Stylist
I pick Desiree for obvious reasons.  She's cute as a button, probably definitely beliesves in JC, and she lives in Colorado (Sean's home state).  She kind of reminds me of Katie Holmes pre-Tom Cruise.  I bet she loves to bake cupcakes, has a really awesome dad, and finds herself most at home in a room full of babies.  She looks like the kind of girl you bring home to mom and the type that will cook all your friends chili when they come over to your place to watch a Broncos game.  Guys don't really like bangs though, so that could be her achille's heel. 

Finalist #2: Daniella, 24, Casting associate
I've got a feeling Sean wants to end up with a blondie so they can have perfect God-loving Aryan children and possibly become televangelists.  Daniella's got a touch of Emily Maynard, but she seems like she might be a little sassy.  And it looks like she might have a nice rack, so Sean may just keep her around for a little fantasy suite motor-boating.  I also really don't think Sean wants to end up with anyone older than him (he's 28, so that eliminates everyone above 30)-- Daniella is supposedly 24, but she looks about 35.  I really hope Chris Harrison calls her out on that shit in front of everyone.  Also, she's a casting associate, so it's very possible that she's not on the show for the right reasons. 

Finalist #3: Amanda, 26, fit model
The biggest thing Amanda has going for her in this picture is her flannel top and her chunky J Crew necklace.  Most of the other girls are wearing brightly colored ruffly blouses.  Sean has dogs and wears flannel too, so he might take one look at her and decide they are soul mates.  She's also a fit model and after Ben F's season we know that no grown man can resist the urge to stick his penis inside a model's vagina.  She seems wholesome enough and she doesn't have bangs, but she might get into a lot of fights with the other girls since they will for sure be intimidated by her model-ness.  Her other major downfall is that she's from Bakersfield.  Which is basically the town you stop in to fill your gas tank and eat McDonalds when you're driving from LA to SF.  I don't think it serves any other purpose. 

Finalist #4: Lacey, 24, Graduate student
Basically, all the exact same reasons I also picked Daniella.  Notice that she's wearing almost exactly the same top as Desiree?  I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I think Lacey gets the final rose.

Make sure to read our recap next week on the first episode.  New drinking game: chug every time you cringe and get embarrassed for the girls on the show.  Wait.  No.  You will get alcohol poisoning and die if you do that.  


  1. I think you're a little outdated on your guy stereotype preferences. We started liking bangs with Katy Perry, Zooey Deschanel, and even a little bit of Taylor Swift. I still find Anne Hatheway extremely annoying though.

  2. You might be right. I basically just go by what Bryon says and he's always been anti-bangs. Any time I go to get my haircut, I threaten to come back with bangs. Bangs are just one of those things-- like shaved heads-- where you know a girl is super gorgeous if she can pull it off.

  3. don't you know that there are spoilers out there?

    1. Yes, but I try really hard to avoid them, because what is this show without a tense rose ceremony where i have no idea who might get sent home?!

  4. i think your blogs are pretty funny, btw.

  5. guys don't like bangs? i'm learning a lot here.