Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The Bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Episode 1

My world was turned upside down at the beginning of this episode when I realized that Sean Lowe is actually from Dallas, TX. WTF, yo?! For some reason I thought he was from Denver. He's totally not the person I thought he was! This changes EVERYTHING.

After suffering through a boring recap of Sean awkwardly falling in love with Queen Hoodrat (AKA Emily "famewhore" Maynard) we get a series of shots of Sexy Albino (AKA Sean) with his shirt off, working out. I know a lot of you think he's all kinds of hot, but I thought his body was kind of weird. He's got super-buff arms, but then he kind of has a belly. Alls I'm sayin' is that I didn't see a very defined six-pack.  What do you want from me?  I don't like them beefy. 

Here are some other things we discover about Sean during this sequence. He drives a Jeep. And he's really into brightly colored V-necks. Which bodes the question: DOES NO ONE ON THIS SHOW BELIEVE IN EARTH TONES?

My favorite part of the opening was getting to see Sean hang out with his fam, cause they just seem really nice and I find myself oddly attracted to his father. Don't ask me why. I don't know. He just seems like a good person. Plus, I totally forgot about Sean's super adorable niece. She's too cute! Can we please have ABC fire Chris Harrison so that she could host the show instead? Imagine how much more precious the rose ceremony would be if she was the one who said "ladies, if you did not receive a rose, take a moment and say your good byes."

Side note: I think once Sean finds his wife, they should totally sue for custody of Little Ricky.

After listening to Sean say over and over again how ready he is to find a wife and start a family, we get an epic shot of him standing next to a giant rock as he says of his future wife "I want to be her rock." Get it? He's talking about being a rock, while standing next to a rock. Right about now, I'm wishing that he gets his arm trapped in a boulder and this episode turns into a made for TV version of the movie 127 Hours and at the end, after he cuts his arm off, he walks off into the sunset with the one-armed girl contestant. Cause then together they'd have two arms.

But that doesn't happen. Instead, if we didn't already have enough reasons to be in love with Sean, we also get to see him cut the stems off strawberries in his kitchen. I'm a little confused, because Arie's coming over to hang out and I just find it weird that Sean's going to serve him strawberries. We hear what good friends Arie and Sean are, but when he arrives, it turns out they haven't even seen each other since Emily gave Sean the boot in Curacao. So, they're basically not friends at all. I'm not really sure why Arie didn't get a chance to be The Bachelor. He's hot and has a slightly better personality than Whitey McWhiteman.

Here's where I admit that I actually LOL'd when Sean went through all the different ways that he could say "Will You Accept This Rose." Okay, okay, maybe this guy has a little bit of a personality after all. And then things get weird. Like really weird. Like all of a sudden, I feel like I'm watching a scene out of the first American Pie movie when Casey Affleck is talking to his little bro about cunninglingus. Arie basically gives Sean step by step directions on how to kiss. I'm full expecting them to make out, but they don't. I would not be surprised if they both had erections though.  This is just further confirmation that Sean is a virgin.  Arie is totally going to teach him how to have sex during the fantasy suite episode.

FINALLY! CHRIS HARRISON! Where has he been for the last fifteen minutes??  My favorite thing ever about Harrison is when, in the middle of whatever boring thing he is saying, he turns to a different camera. Guys. The man can talk and turn ninety degrees at the same time. He's worth every penny they pay him.

Time to meet the girls. Here are my first impressions of them.

Desiree: Katie Holmes with bangs. Cute. Calls herself a Bridal Stylist, which means she works retail in a wedding dress shop.

Tierra: One of those girls that's perfected the sweet act, but she's really got a screw loose. I mean, she gets way too excited when she finds out that Sean is the Bachelor. She kind of reminds me of a brunette Brit Brit Spears.

Robyn: A black girl! I mean, we've seen black girls on this show before, but they're usually just in the background and get eliminated the first night. But they actually went to this girl's hometown and filmed her. I'm going to pretend that this has nothing to do with the fact that the show was recently sued for being racist. Robyn is very acrobatic, which gets me thinking that she's not here for the right reasons. She really wants to win, so she can go on Dancing with the Stars.

Diana: I'm a sucker for the side braid, but I'm just gonna say it. I'm not cool with moms or dads that leave their kids to be on an effing reality TV show. Most people leave behind one kid. This bitch is leaving two!

Sarah: Shit, ABC. Not only are there black women on the show, but there's also a disabled women. Which means that by this time next year, there could be a black disabled woman on the show. I have to be honest. I really liked Sarah. She seems a little boring and I think her job might actually really be selling ad-space for ValPak coupons BUT she seems down to earth and not crazy. I can pretty much guarantee that I will cry when she gets kicked off the show. But we shouldn't treat her differently, because even though she only has one arm, she can still make an omelet.

Ashley: CRAY CRAY. She actually agrees to tape a scene of herself laying in bed and reading Fifty Shades of Grey out loud.  I'm not sure if the female gender as a whole will ever recover from this.

Leslie: She's a southern chick living and working in DC. My first thought is: REPUBLICAN, but she's all about the environment, so I could be wrong there. She's pretty, but seems like a stick in the mud. And her campaign sign makes me feel all kinds of embarrassed.

Kristy: Ford Model. Super weird looking, right? Please tell me that in the season preview when we hear a girl say "there's something I have to tell you"-- it's Kristy telling Sean she used to be a dude.

AshLEE: First of all, why are there so many girls named Ashley on The Bachelor? I don't know a single girl named Ashley, but there's always like five of them every season and one of them always spells her name wrong. I like this Ashlee though, cause she's a professional organizer. She's basically a character right out of a Katherine Heigl Rom-Com (she's so together in her work life, but a mess in her personal life!). Plus, I cried a little when she talked about being a foster kid. I bet she thinks she's coming in with the best sob story. She's gonna be real pissed when she meets one-arm.

She also happens to be the first one out of the limo when Sean meets the girls and he seems like he's already madly in love with her. But then I realize, he's pretty googly-eyed over every girl he meets. Which confirms my suspicions once again that he is a virgin with the personality of a thirteen year old boy.

I also can't get a good grasp on his type. He seems to be leaning more towards brunettes BUT he's kind of all over the map. He's really into some of the more wholesome girls, but he also has a facial boner every time a trashy cocktail waitress type shows up.

Here are my impressions of some of the other girls.

Jackie: Way trashy, but he's into it. She's the girl that's a make-up artist (AKA works at the MAC counter at Nordstrom's) who puts on lipstick and kisses him.

Selma: HOT. She's super pretty. He's into it.

Leslie: There are two Leslie's?? I have no idea who this one is, all I wrote down was "Cute, bad dress" Oh, wait. I just looked her up. She's the second hot black girl (there are four in total). She seems normal. Good smile, bad style. She's totally the girl that always gets herself into the friend zone. 


Danielle: Drunk hot mess. I'm really upset, because I had her in my final four for early predictions. I think I misjudged Sean and his love of blondes. PLUS, in my defense, some of these girls look WAY cuter in their ABC bio pictures than they did on TV.

Kelly: Someone smack this girl repeatedly in the face. Have these chicks not seen enough episodes of this show to know that the people who sing always look ridiculous??? I mean, I'm willing to bet that every single contestant who's won at the end NEVER sang in any episode. Plus, she's orange and her song sucked.

Katie: She's a yoga teacher that decides to go barefoot. That is not sanitary. Barefoot at the Bachelor premises??? Girlfriend totally got gonorrhea in her big toe by the end of the night.

50 Shades Girl is probably the biggest loser of the bunch when she pulls a tie out of her dress. LADIES! It's Dating 101, men hate every female-driven franchise. We can never ever tell them we love Twilight, Fifty Shades, or Sex and the City. Get with the program!

Taryn: I like her. She seems a little old, but I like that she doesn't know who the EFF Sean is and probably just came on the show to bone Chris Harrison, because he's newly divorced and has money to burn.

Catherine: Sort of Hawaiian looking with a nose ring. He was maybe the most lit up by her so far. Maybe Sean wants to have an adorable gaggle of bi-racial children!

Lacey: Lord have mercy. In my early predictions, I chose her to win the whole thing. Ugh. That dress. Those fake lashes. Spoiler alert: she doesn't even get a rose tonight.

Paige: Get this girl off my TV screen. First of all, anyone that's named Paige in real life is frightening. Second, she's a freaky stalker. She was one of those people that went on Bachelor Pad, because she's a huge fan of the show. I repeat, she went on Bachelor Pad. And finally, her occupation is Jumbotron Operator. Poor, poor, Paige will never get a boyfriend.


Okay, so this is when things start to get interesting. Tierra gets out of the limo in her terrible black dress, her scraggly extensions, and her freaky eyebrows-- but she has a cute smile. Sean stops everything, tells her he'll be right back, and gives her a rose, just like that. This makes her the frontrunner right off the bat and all the girls in the house want to smother her with a pillow, then cut her up, and put her in their egg white omelets. Personally, I don't get it. Do men just gravitate towards trashy porn star women? I can't wait to see her inevitable meltdown. She's the same girl that gets carried off in a stretcher later in the season.

(Note: I know there are a ton of spoilers out there and Reality Steve has probably already announced who Sean proposes to, but I don't read that shit. That's like finding out who wins the super bowl before football season even begins. No thanks.)

I LOVE how every time a Bachelor decides to "bend the rules" they come off seeming so rebellious and edgy and different. That's basically how ABC treated the whole "Sean gives roses whenever he feels like it" thing. I will not let Sean take credit for some brilliant producer's idea! I will say this was a much-needed change in the "rules." We all know this show is tired. I mean, there are major chunks of paint peeling off the exterior of the Bachelor house. The symbolism kills me.

The rest of the ladies limo shticks were pretty lame and boring, except for Lindsay who shows up in a wedding dress. At first I thought she was weird and psychotic, but then once it seemed like she was trying to be goofy and funny, I kind of loved it. Plus, she brought out Sean's witty side (like when she said "I've got balls" and he said "I hope not." Aw, Sean. So clever.)

The plot thickens when Chris Harrison-- who looked more bored than ever this episode and probably drank an entire bottle of scotch when he got home and wracked up some phone sex charges-- tells Sean that there's a 26th contestant. Drum roll, please...

It's KCB from Ben F's season! And she's learned to slut it up! And she's not twirling a baton! This is proof that we all learn something from our failed relationships. Apparently, she and Sean have hung out before and she has a crush on him. Let's be real. These two are perfect for each other. They're both southern. They're both Christian. And she's dark enough so their kids won't look like they just walked off the set of Village of the Damned. BUT I'm not convinced KCB is going to make it that far. First of all, we don't see her in any of the clips from the season preview. I know they initially kept her out for suspense purposes (they even blurred her face out of the above photo)-- but they didn't put anything back in except a shot of her crying after she probably gets the boot. I think Sean respects her too much to bone her or meet her family if he's not really into it. But he should be, because she's hot and funny and not full of herself.

The girls basically lose their shit when they see KCB and keep saying that she doesn't deserve a second chance. Huh? It's not like she dumped Sean or something. She got dumped! TEAM KCB FOR LIFE!

The rest of the episode could have pretty much been interchangeable with every season premiere of this franchise. Girls freaked out over not getting enough time with Sean. Girls stole Sean away from each other. Girls barfed out of their vaginas when they realized that Sean was just giving away roses all night. One girl cried. Fifty Shades of Trashed made the whole thing entertaining by getting super drunk and doing some weird skanky air-humping booty dance. Wedding dress girl also got a little tipsy and kind of made a fool of herself-- and even though Sean didn't give her a rose during the cocktail party, she did get one at the rose ceremony. AND from the looks of the season preview, it seems like she makes it pretty far. My favorite moment was when one-armed Sarah got a rose. She might be my favorite, solely because she has one arm. And I'm not trying to be mean. That's what makes her sweet and humble. If she had two arms, she'd be just like every other boring girl on the show. But the only blonde chick they really show Sean getting close to in later episodes has two arms. I think Leslie from DC could be a dark horse here.

All in all, I thought Sean did a good job of weeding out the less attractive trashy girls during his first rose ceremony. I was a little disappointed that Kristy (AKA Male model) got a rose, but I'm sure the truth will come out about her eventually. Plus, Sean gave three out of four of the African-American women roses. yay, he's not racist! And the girl that he cut loose was named Ashley, so no loss there. Plus, she seemed a tiny bit psycho. Like the type of girl that might cut off a guy's balls, dip them in glitter, and make a pair of earrings out of them.

What did you guys think of the first episode? Any favorites so far? Comment below!

8 comments:

  1. I've been waiting for this blog post!! Love it, Sara!!

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  2. Few thoughts from a dude:
    1) Arie looks like a male Ke$ha, which means they both look like John Travolta
    2) I personally think it's mandatory and outright polite to address the lack of an arm immediately; like "hey, you're missing an arm." Get it out there, like Eva Mendes did in 'Stuck On You'. The more you ignore it, the more uncomfortable it gets for everyone involved, especially viewers.
    3) Desiree is definitely Katie Holmes... with midget front teeth. See number 2. Address that shit.
    4) If they really wanted to make this season different, Sean should have changed the rules and immediately eliminated the black chick who fell. I hate people who fall. Perfect 'get out of being called racist free' card.
    5) It's not the hair color... it's the eye color... brown is the winning ticket

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    Replies
    1. I can't believe I forgot to write about the girl that bailed!! And she had to have flashed him some vagina when she did that back flip. Cringe, cringe, cringe. I agree, it should have been an automatic elimination. Your observations are hilarious, btw.

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  3. Best description: "Whitey McWhiteman"!

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  4. I wasn't aware that the bachelor is a born again virgin.

    http://perezhilton.com/2013-01-09-bachelor-sean-lowe-born-again-virgin-sex

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  5. Super funny, my friend turned me on to this and I love it! Thanks for the laughs!

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  6. I just finished watching Episode 2 (which means I, literally, watched the intro and fast-fwded to the rose ceremony) and I have to say, that the hardest thing for Sean must be remembering all those names. I would need flash cards, or write who I was going to choose on my hand, but then I would be looking down at the ground when saying the names, since I wouldn't really know who is who, or I would ask Chris Harrison to come out every once in awhile and ask, "what's her name over there in the back corner?"

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    ReplyDelete