Wednesday, January 16, 2013

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 2

I was planning to live tweet this episode, but our cable went out and I had to wait 'til Tuesday to watch it on Hulu.  It was absolute torture waiting an extra twelve hours to tune in!

The show opens with more shots of Sean working out.  Booo.  I know he's self-conscious about his strange abs, but that doesn't mean we have to watch him exercise all the time.  And if he really has such a great sense of humor-- then for once, how about some scenes of him taking a Zumba class or swinging from a stripper pole.  These work out scenes are getting so cliche-slash-serial killer.

Chris Harrison arrives to explain the rules of the show to the girls, because he apparently didn't get the memo that this is Bachelor SEASON 17 and these bitches know how this shit works.  Side note, Harrison is looking kind of hot in a mid-life crisis, newly divorced, wearing flannel with the sleeves rolled up sort of way.  I really, really, really want him to have an affair with one of the contestants and I really want it to be Kristy AKA "I had a penis, but now I'm a model."

The first one on one date goes to Sarah!  Shocking!  The disabled girl with one arm.  Let's not, I don't know, treat her differently by giving her the first one on one date.  Actually, here's where I urge all of you not to treat Sarah differently.  She is still on The Bachelor which means she is still ten times douchier than the average female.  I mean, in a way, all of these girls are mentally handicapped.

Sean arrives to pick her up on a:
A. camel
B. submarine
C. helicopter
D. unicyle

If you answered C. Helicopter, then congratulations, you are not a fucking idiot!!  It seems the only people that don't know that a helicopter is the normal mode of transportation on The Bachelor are the women who are on the show.  They pretty much act like 2Pac and Elvis just walked through the door with Bea Arthur.  And the most serious offender is KCB.  The girl has been on the show before.  Why does she act like this is the first time she's seen a helicopter?!  KCB seriously rubbed me the wrong way in this episode, but more on that later.

Sarah and Sean basically don't say anything to each other on the helicopter.  We hear Sarah say that she doesn't need two hands to love someone (translation, she gives good hand jobs).  At this point, I realize she's missing her left arm which means she'd have to wear her gaudy Neil Lane diamond engagement ring on her right hand.  Oh, the horror.

As though this episode couldn't get any more predictable, we learn that Sarah and Sean have to free fall from a building down to some rooftop to drink champagne.  Except it's not really a free fall, because they're connected to a bunch of cables and wires and stuff.  Sarah says "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" like five hundred times and then they finally take the plunge.  I will give her some credit here.  She did talk about how good it felt to have Sean support her through it, blah blah blah-- but she never said that if they could survive a free fall they could survive every bad terrible thing that could happen to them in life.  Extra points for the girl that doesn't make a marriage analogy out of everything.

After an outfit change, Sarah and Sean drink red wine together and Sarah shares a story of not being allowed to zip-line in Las Vegas.  Am I the only one that thinks the most tragic part of this story is that the girl wanted to zip line in Las Vegas?  Actually, here's where I admit that I balled my freaking eyes out during the story.  Especially when Sarah told Sean that her dad told her that she would need to find a guy that's strong enough to deal with those kinds of situations and support her AND Sean proved he could be that guy by free-falling off a building with her.  GOOSEBUMPS.

I like them together.  Like a lot.  But Sean should be careful.  We all think people with missing limbs are somehow really good people, but Heather Mills is supposedly a huge bitch and she's missing a leg.  So, I'm just sayin'-- you never know.

Back at the house, the girls wait for the next date card and Tierra makes a very shocking announcement.  Are you guys sitting down?

Tierra: "I'm not here to make friends."  I mean, really?  Can't she at least be a little more original?  Like, say it in French or trick us all and say "I'm not here to make friend...ship bracelets."  I'm actually really happy, because one of the wild card questions in my bachelorette bracket was who would be the first girl to utter those words and I chose Tierra.  Woot woot!  Anyway, the group date card comes and a bunch of people are on it and a few people aren't.  That about sums up that scene.

Group date time.  Here's where KCB starts seeming like a total loser to me.  I'm trying to tell myself that she's on this show for the right reason: to be the next Bachelorette, but I can't help thinking this might actually be a desperate attempt for love.  The only thing worse than going on The Bachelor once is going on a second time.  And not to sound bitchy, but her face looks a little bloated and puffy and haggard this time around.

Once the ladies arrive for the group date, we learn they are going to do a Harlequin romance cover shoot.  I'm not kidding.  Do people actually still read those books?  I remember when my cousin read them back in 1989, but I didn't realize they were still a thing.  The weirdest thing was that no one walked out or rolled their eyes.  In fact, a couple of the girls acted like they had just been told someone invented a painless inexpensive form of permanent hair removal.  Model-girl-with-the-penis-taped-to-her-thigh was the most excited for this date.  I pretty much hate whenever anyone describes doing something as "being in their element" but I especially hate it when that person is a model and their element is a photo shoot.  We learn that the girl with the best photo will actually get to be on the cover of three Harlequin romance novels.

Here's where we discover that White Lesley (not to be confused with the Black Leslie, this is the blond southern one) and Sean have a lot of chemistry.  They kiss during their shoot and girls get all kinds of pissed off about it.  Lesley seems pretty rational and down to earth which bodes the question: what the fuck is she doing on this show?!?!?!?!?  And then we have to watch Sean and Kristy do their photo shoot and everyone's stunned by how electric the whole thing is, but I'm having flashbacks to being twelve years old and watching The Crying Game in the movie theater with my parents.  I'm like 99% positive we are going to see a penis soon and it's not going to be Sean's, but alas, that doesn't happen.  Kristy wins the coveted cover and all the girls wish they could be as talented as a Ford model. (see the cover above)

Cocktail party time.  This is the part in the group date where everyone stresses about not getting enough time with Sean.  Lesley and him have a moment, but both of them are too chicken shit to make out which I find slightly endearing.  Later, Lesley takes a page from Kristy's book, grows a pair, and gives Sean a kiss.  You go, girl!  Fight for that rose!

Side note: Daniella has to go.  I can't tell if she's just super drunk or just super dumb, but I think it's a little of both. 

KCB gets some one on one time with Sean and we learn that they've done events together.  Um, events?  Like Bachelor events?  Please, someone stick an L shaped piece of wood in the fire and press it against KCB's forehead.  Am I alone here or does she seem really desperate?  If she wanted to play it smart, she should have not gone on the show and just waited it out for the inevitable end to Sean's engagement and then pounced on that.  Later, when curly-haired Katie tells KCB she's uncomfortable, KCB basically talks her into leaving.  In what was the most uneventful departure in Bachelor history, Katie goes up to Sean, tells him she's freezing, then says she's going to home because this isn't for her.

I'm kind of bummed, because I liked Katie.  Not just because my hair looks as terrible as hers when it's cold outside, but because I liked how she made fun of Kristy for getting so excited about the photo shoot.  I wanted her to stick around and roll her eyes some more.  KCB says she's thrilled that Katie's gone and that she's a lot smarter the second time around.  By smarter she means she's retired the batons and stopped wearing her hair curly (even though it looks SO much better that way).  KCB's stink of desperation does not get in the way of her getting the group rose date.  Whatevs.  I cannot wait for how rejected she will feel when Sean gives her the boot.

Oh, I totally forgot the lamest joke of the night.  Catherine to Sean: I'm vegan, but I love the beef (i.e. Sean's buffness).  It took me like ten minutes to figure out wtf she was talking about.

At this point in the show, it becomes clear that Tierra is the girl everyone hates.  She's the moper that's a bitch in real life, but gets all sweet and innocent when she's around Sean.  Poor men.  They are so easily fooled.  If the show really wanted to change things up, they should show Sean footage of the girls hanging out together, so he could eliminate them based on the way they acted when they weren't around him.  Harrison-- you can have that idea.  It's yours.  Pretend like you came up with it.  It's a gift from me to you, Mc-hosty-host.

Desiree AKA Katie Holmes with bangs gets the next one on one date.  This is where the show totally jumps the shark.  We learn that the producers have planned a super lame prank for Sean to play on Desiree.  Basically, he's going to take her to an art gallery, then get her in a room alone with the most expensive piece of art there, and have it fall over and break.  Um, I'm sorry.  I didn't realize I was watching an old episode of Candid Camera.  This is when you know a franchise is on its way out-- when halfway through the episode it suddenly becomes a hidden camera show.

I refuse to believe that Desiree actually fell for this ridiculous joke.  When has anyone on The Bachelor ever gone to an art gallery?  And one that looks as ghetto as the gallery they created on the show?  With super cheesy actors playing the famous artist and the gallery director?  And a million dollar piece of art that looks like it was put together by a five year old?  This is so lame!  Okay, fine.  I laughed during this scene.  What do you want from me?  But Desiree is a total champ, proving to Sean that she has a sense of humor which is wayyyyy more important than the fact that she has a rocking body.

Sean takes Katie Holmes Bangs back to his house and they eat steak and talk about how happy and in love their parents still are with each other.  Holmes Face is the kind of girl that basically agrees with everything a dude says.  Sean could tell her that his parents like to set homeless people on fire and she would be like "So do my parents!!  I'm so glad we are on the same page." These two keep talking about how comfortable they are together, which is great for them, but I for one am bored out of my freaking mind.  I'm happy they're into each other though, because Desi was on my early predictions list, which is great because the other three turned out to be huge disasters. The scenes of the two of them in the pool are a little too soft porn for my taste and I'm sort of blinded by their perfect bodies. 

This is also when I realize that the whole scene of Desiree's boyfriend showing up and yelling at Sean and telling him Desiree is still in love with him, blah blah blah will end up being a revenge hoax.  This means Katie Bang Holmes could actually be a serious contender.

Finally, it's time for the cocktail party.  And for the first time ever on this show, a conversation of some depth actually takes place.  I'm not gonna lie: I sort of fall madly in love with Sean forever and ever and ever.  Robyn who's the black girl that can do back flips decides to ask Sean whether race is a factor for him at all and if he's into brown sugar.  *Sigh*  Sean is constantly surprising me.  I thought he handled this conversation like a pro.  I'm going to pretend this whole thing wasn't a set up by ABC's legal department and hope that it just came up spontaneously, but he's almost giddy that Robyn brought it up.  He tells her that people assume that just because he's blond with blue eyes, he wants to be with a girl that's blond and blue-eyed (guilty as charged!) but that he's dated all kinds of girls (Hispanic, PERSIAN!!!!!!, his last girlfriend was black.) And just like that I'm head over heels.  AND so is Robyn.

Just when I think things couldn't get any better, Sean hangs out with Selma and she teaches him something in Arabic and he jokes and says he's fluent in Farsi.  Um, he actually knows the name of my native tongue.  He really did date a Persian girl!  Selma does speak a little Farsi but in case you were wondering she only says "I only know a little Farsi."  She teaches him how to say "you are beautiful" in Arabic.  I can't decide if she's super pretty or super botoxed.  What do you guys think?

The other big drama of the cocktail party was that Amanda-- who was also one of my early picks-- turns out to be crazy.  Like, I think she might have a split personality.  When she's around the girls, she looks like she wants to throw them all in the Silence of the Lambs pit, when she's around Sean, she looks like she paint rainbows in the sky.  I'm gonna go with my split personality theory: her bitchy side is called Amanda (like Heather Locklear in Melrose Place), her sweet side is called Mandy (a la Mandy Moore in that weird video for the song Candy.)

Fashion police alert: I like Black Leslie, but what is up with her outfits?  She was like wearing a wedding dress with a turtleneck in this episode.  

Rose ceremony time!  My bracket picks were pretty accurate.  I had a feeling Brooke and Diana would get eliminated this week.  Brooke was a little too ghetto fabulous (although she looked HOT at the rose ceremony).  Diana just seemed like a drip all around.  And when Sean dumps her, he tells her it's because he didn't want to keep her from her kids.  You knew that bitch was thinking "Please don't send me back to my kids."  I mean, the girl was so boring, ABC didn't even bother to show the scene of her telling Sean she had kids!  Katie leaving in the middle of the show threw me for a loop-- I'd picked Penis Model to go this week, but Sean couldn't exactly kick off the girl who scored a Harlequin cover.  And the two resident crazies: Amanda and Tierra both got roses, proving that men are equal opportunity employers: bring us your disabled, your crazy, and your ethnically diverse...as long as they all have BOOBS. 

PS new drinking game: chug every time Lindsay says "awesome." 

5 comments:

  1. I totally thought Catherine was referring to the dick when she made that joke about "loving the beef". I was wondering why that didn't make Sean blush a little bit more. Duh.

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  2. Ok, I'm only 1/3 of the way through this post and I'm already laughing my butt off. Love. This.

    I want two things to happen: 1. Sean comes riding in on a camel for a one-on-one date. 2. Sarah becomes a Heather Mills-like crazy villain. (p.s. I teared up at the zip line story, too).

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  3. KCB does cut a really sad figure. It's clear that Sean is a little awkward about her being there since they know each other's business already. I think she's gonna get sadder by the week. Katie. Did Sean seem relieved when she said she wanted to go? He wasted no time trying to convince her stay. He was like "sweet, let's go."

    I'm scared of Amanda. Anyone else? Like, I wouldn't sleep in that house if she were there. It's one thing to look casually bratty, it's another to look casually murderous.

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    1. let 's be fair to all contestants on the show. Katie was reasonable if she decides it's not for her. Give her some credit. Why on a season of Bachelorette when a guy is not that into the bachelorette people are thrilled and when the girl is not into the bachelor people are like : "whatever he does not care anyway". Sean is a nice guy but let's face it why in general all the bachelors are viewed as such a prize. Women on the show, whether they are contestants or the leads get put down mercilessly.

      Tamie

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    2. Actually, Tamie- that's why I was annoyed that Katie left. She seemed the most reasonable and I wanted her to be there to roll her eyes at all the other girls for me. And just read my recaps on Ben F's season to know that i don't view all the guys on this show as a prize. I make mad fun of him the whole time.

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