Wednesday, January 23, 2013

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 3

Are you kidding me, ABC? You are really going to start the show with shots of Sean working out for the third week in a row?? WE get it. He’s got muscles. He’s not Bob Guinney. But how shallow do we all think we are? At this rate, we’re going to have to see some full frontal by the finale. I’m just saying.

I can’t really remember what Sean was saying in the work out sequence, because I was too distracted by his greasy pectorals, but I’m going to guess it had something to do with the fact that he’s really starting to develop feelings for a lot of the girls in the house. Here’s the weird thing about Sean. When he says it, he’s actually being earnest. Which is proof that at the end of this whole thing, we’re going to find out that Sean is actually an alien. I mean, I thought he was boring Whitey McWhiteperson when this show first started and now I would pretty much let him baptize me in a kiddie pool. That’s how much I love the guy.

Chris Harrison arrives at the house to do what he does best: explain the rules of the easiest game in the world. Are you ready for this? There’s going to be two one on one dates in this episode and a….group date! Shocking. Chris reads the first date card and it goes to White Lesley. I feel really bad for Black Leslie, because she was so hopeful, but I’m just not so sure the producers are going to go as far as letting a black girl have a one on one date. I mean, we can have an African-American in the White House, but a one on one date on The Bachelor? Sadly, we have not come that far as a country.

White Lesley says—and no joke---“We get to spend the entire day together. It’s going to take our relationship to the next level.” She also mentions that she’s been in the house for two weeks now. Wait, for reals? It’s been TWO WEEKS? I call bullshit. They’ve been in that house for 72 hours, tops. So, back to my original point. She thinks spending one day with Sean is going to take their relationship to the next level. Um, spending a day together does not count as a level! Three to six months of dating= level. Meeting someone’s parents= level. Doing it in the butt= level.

I love how disappointed the girls get this season when the dates are subpar. These bitches are expecting private planes and shopping sprees and slow dancing to a live performance by Train. They look so bummed out when all they get is wine and dinner and a tour of the Guiness Book of World Records museum. Side note: I’ve lived in LA for seven years and I had no idea this place even existed. BUT the whole thing makes me fall in love with Sean……’s DAD even more, because the man broke a world record by driving through 48 states in ninety-something hours. *Sigh* He’s a real renaissance man. Here’s where things get really fucking stupid. Chris Harrison rears his ugly head and informs Sean and White Leslie that they are going to break the world record for longest onscreen kiss by making out for three minutes and sixteen seconds while a group of people who have nothing better to do with their time watch them. (Did anyone notice the creepy guy behind Harrison that totally stuck his tongue out in a sexual manner at Lesley? Pause that shit.) This is just further proof that Harrison is a pervy voyeur.

The worst part about this whole thing is that we actually have to watch Mr and Mrs Super White make out for three minutes and sixteen seconds. They hardly even really kiss. For the most part, they just keep their lips against each other and try not to laugh. No joke, my husband at one point was so frustrated by the whole thing, he said “fucking mount him.” Um—clearly, he was confused and thought we were watching Skinemax.

Oh my Jesus, I forgot the most important part of this entire sequence. Chris Harrison was wearing a VEST.

After their make out sesh, Sean and Lesley drink wine on some rooftop and talk about how perfect and boring their lives are. Their parents are both super in love. Les is basically a hot genius. And she’s one of those girls that says she loved middle school and high school. I’m sorry, but if you’re twenty-five and you’re still talking about how awesome high school was, then there’s something wrong with you. BUT for the most part, she seems pretty normal. Too normal for this show in fact. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being Courtney the model offensive, I would say Lesley’s a four. She’s just not all that annoying. And I did a little research on her and she loves Obama, so she’s my kind of girl. She’s kind of like Sarah, but with two arms.

This might be premature, but I’m calling it now and I don’t care if Reality Steve has already spoiled it: Lesley and Sean get engaged.

Group date time! Seeing KCB on this group date kind of makes me want to punch her in the face. She was probably my favorite girl from Ben F’s season, but she’s changed. First of all, you can just tell her confidence has been squandered. She slouches more. She wears too much make-up. She wears tight ill-fitting clothes. Her hair is too straight. And she’s kind of got booze bloat in her face. But all that aside, she’s acting like a total crazy dumb ass—more on that later.

The girls arrive at the beach where we have to watch a series of scenes that make me feel incredibly ashamed that I not only watch this show but I look forward to watching it. What the hell is wrong with me?? Basically, we watch Sean frolic in the water with the ladies. Do push ups while someone sits on his back and then take his shirt off, while all the girls ooh and ahh. Just when I think the show couldn’t get any more strange and disgusting, Chris Harrison shows up and tells the girls they have to play a game of beach volleyball in their bikinis. The winning team wins more time with Sean. Simone de Beauvoir is rolling in her fucking grave. The part that’s most shocking about this whole thing is that the show is barely halfway over and we’ve seen Chris Harrison three times. That has to be a record. Why the hell is ABC working the poor man to the bone?

The girls suck at volleyball and after a game more exciting than the US VS Russia hockey match in the 1980 Olympics, KC-B-pathetic, Katie Holmes baby teeth (Des), Girl that says awesome too much(Lindsay), Robyn Backflips, and scary girl who will suck all the sperm out of your balls with her alien serpent tongue (Amanda) win. Which means that Black Leslie, that 40 year old chick (Taryn), Manface Model (Kristy), Hot Messiah (Daniella), and that girl you know has a landing strip on her vag (Tierra), all get sent home in tears. Honestly, I think Jackie was on one of these teams, but she has done nothing of importance so far and I’m pretty sure none of you have no idea who she even is. Also, am I the only one that thought it was weird that when the losing team showed up at the house, they were still in bikinis? Did they not have any clothes with them?

Anyway. At the cocktail party, Serpent Tongue Girl still acts weird and creepy and the rest of the girls don’t like her. She turns on the charm with Sean and he seems to not notice that her vagina probably has a baby chainsaw hidden inside of it. But for the most part, there’s not a whole lot of tension. Katie Holmes isn’t into her, but no one’s fighting about it. But for whatever reason, KC-B-a-fucking-idiot decides she’s going to use this to her advantage and tell Sean that Desiree and Amanda hate each other. She pulls Sean aside and explains that the two girls don’t like each other and that puts KC-B-a-nut-job in a weird position because she’s friends with one of them. Uh, what? That’s like me saying that Israel and Palestine are putting me in a weird position because I like hummus.

This is where I once again fall madly in love with Sean, because he basically looks at KCB like she’s the saddest thing he’s ever laid eyes on. Remember when BEN F told Emily to tread lightly when she told him Courtney the model was bad news? Well, Sean is way effing cooler than Ben monkeyface. He just smiles and tells KCB in the nicest way possible that she’s acting bat-shit cray cray. Later, KCB cries and says she really messed up.

We interrupt this post for a BLOW OFF public service announcement: Ladies, there’s only one strategy when it comes to dating a guy. Don’t act like a fucking lunatic.

Lindsay wins the group date rose, because she said a bunch of stupid things and Sean responded with his three favorite words: “I love that.” I’m kind of disappointed in Lindsay. At first, I thought she was quirky and funny, but now all she does is talk like a valley girl and tell Sean how great he is. Oh, and she says the word awesome. A LOT. Awesome is the new Perfackt.

I almost forgot! Back at the house a date card arrives and Tierra reads it and pretends that it’s a two-on-one date and that AshLee and Selma’s names are both on the card! When only AshLee’s name was on the card and it’s really a one-on-one date! Not a two on one date! The nerve of that bitch! Sarah One Arm really puts things in perspective when she says: Don’t ever read my name on a date card as a joke.

And now for the most hyped-up nothing moment we’ve all been waiting for. Tierra falling down the stairs. What ABC didn’t show us was that it was Amanda’s serpent tongue that rounded the corner and pushed her. No one even saw this bitch fall. She just lays their crying and acting like a crazy victim and then being super mean to the paramedics when they try to take her to the hospital and stick a neck brace on her. Someone cut this girl’s boobs off and sew them to her butt cheeks. I’m sorry, but I can’t stand her. And just when I thought White Power could do no wrong, Sean totally snuggles with her in the yard to make sure she’s okay when poor little orphan AshLee waits for their date to start.

Sean’s boner for Tierra finally settles down and he takes AshLee on their date. They go to Magic Mountain and we learn they are going to spend the day with two chronically ill young girls who have been friends through the Starlight Foundation, but have never met in person. I don’t even need to see these girls to cry my fucking eyes out. Jesus, ABC. If I wanted to watch Extreme Home Makeover, I’d be watching Extreme Home Makeover. Stop making me feel things! Seeing these girls just breaks my heart and makes me feel even worse for watching this show. (Side note: it would have been kind of awkward if one arm Sarah was on this date, right?)

AshLee seems nice enough, but was it just me or did she seem a little annoyed that she had to spend the whole day with two teenaged girls? Her smile seemed a little forced to me. But not Sean. Sean was perfect. Sean was sweet. Sean was practically glowing hanging out with these kids. I take it back. He’s not an alien. He’s an angel sent down from heaven. Like in that Nicolas Cage movie. Cue the Goo Goo Dolls!

After a day of roller coasters, Sean surprises everyone with a concert from his favorite band called something like the Eli Young band (Wha?. I bet ABC was super relieved that his favorite band wasn’t, I don’t know, U2 or Coldplay. I’m just going to close my eyes and plug my ears and pretend that this doesn’t take his hotness quotient down about twelve notches, because of how God awful this band is. And I have to say it: it’s just kind of awkward to watch Sean and AshLee slow dance while the two girls dance around next to them.

Finally, Sean and little orphan AshLee ditch the sick kids and have dinner. You just know Ash is chomping at the bit to tell Sean her sob story about being an orphan. And just like that—Sean makes his way back into my heart because he fucking cries. You guys know I find nothing hotter than men who cry. And now I’m kicking myself, because one of our wild card questions for the bachelor bracket was which girl would make Sean cry first. I put down the girl with no arm. Boo!

Overall, I like AshLee. She seems normal and she’s a personal organizer—which is my dream career, second only to being a successful TV & Film writer. BUT she has one of those faces where sometimes she looks super pretty and sometimes she looks super busted. She’s also 32—which at first I think is super old--- and then I remember, holy fuck, I’m 32!

You guys know these recaps usually run out of steam by the time I get to the cocktail party. It’s the same shit in every episode. Girls try to steal Sean away. Girls panic about not getting enough time with Sean. One girl is extra panicked that she fucked things up with Sean and now she needs to try to redeem herself (ahem, KCB.) Nobody cares. But I literally read up on becoming a Christian after Sean surprised one arm Sarah by bringing her adorable dog Leo to the house (in a limo, no less). TEARS! Leo made me cry more than the chronically ill girls. I don’t even care that some thirty-something overworked female producer who has no time to date probably came up with this idea. I’m going to pretend it’s something Sean whipped up while he was doing Romanian dead lifts. I wish Leo could stay on the show forever, but we don’t want him catching herpes from the infested Bachelor house.

Rose ceremony time. Chris Harrison shows up AGAIN. ABC must be breaking some serious labor laws here. Does the man never get a break? Sean tells the girls he’s going to go pray about who he should give roses to. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE can we seem him pray in front of all those cheesy portraits of the girls? Just once? Make it happen JC!

The second the rose ceremony starts, Sean announces that he wants to talk to KC-B-dumped alone. He takes her outside, but the super shitty part is that he takes a rose with him. The girl probably thought she was going to get her wrist slapped, but that she’d still get a rose. Nope. Apparently, Sean walked out with a rose in his hand totally by accident. It turns out, Sean prayed about it and decided that he does not want to stick his penis in KCB’s vagina any time soon. He gives her the boot and we discover that KCB at least learned one thing her second time around: don’t fucking cry in the limo.
Sean makes some surprising choices in this rose ceremony which totally screwed up my bachelor bracket. I thought Taryn (AKA the 50 year old), Serpent demon face girl (Amanda), and Valtrex face (Daniella) would all get sent home, but I was only right about the old chick. Sean also sent Man-face model home, proving once and for all that she really did have a penis.

Until next week, folks!

11 comments:

  1. KC was just asking for it

    also i love how every season it becomes more and more clear just how drunk the producers get them

    this is my first real season watching so bear with me being really excited about things that are just normal for the rest of you!

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  2. glad kc was sent home I love her and did not want her to make a fool of her self she deserves some one to love her the bachelor made the right decision respect for kcb America loves you

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    1. AMERICA? Like the entire country? Let's get real here, maybe just the county that she lives in.

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    2. hahahaa

      These reality stars are way overrated!!. even the county is an exaggeration. lol

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  4. This was definitely one of your best blow-off's! So hilair! But seriously, how fake was Tierra's fall down the stairs?? "Oh, I'm so hurt I can't even open my eyes...No, don't you dare take me to the hospital...Oh this is so embarrassing...Oh, Sean's here, I'm not hurt anymore!" Bitch please.

    And did you catch KC-B's heinous neon dress and matching hair tie at the rose ceremony? I'm guessing her excuse was that this was filmed during those 15 seconds that neon made a comeback last year and the poor girl thought it was cool. She probably even bought it from the same company that provided all of those florescent bikinis for the volleyball tourney the day before. Did you notice they were all the same brand?? Nice product placement. But I do feel bad for her and glad Sean let her go privately. Hope it all works out for her ;)

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    1. I'm really mad that sean didn't cut Tierra loose while she was in the neck brace and on the stretcher. She's not even that hot, I don't understand why he's into her. I think every season the show makes the bachelor or bachelorette pretend to be really into someone awful just to make us crazy. KCB has a good shot of being the next bachelorette.

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  5. you're slacking. you had no mention of the best part of this episode... which was... when model chompers blurted out "balls to the wall." plus, she had ZERO boobs in her bikini. einhorn is finkel. finkel is einhorn.

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    1. how did i miss those things?! I knew she was a man and now we have proof! i'll play closer attention next episode!

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  6. Whitey McWhiteperson?!?!? LOL!!! You are so f'ing funny! I heart this blog!

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    1. Thank you, Heather! Please spread the word and keep reading :)

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