Wednesday, January 30, 2013

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 4

Chris Harrison must have gone to rehab for exhaustion, because we barely saw him in this episode after the whopping four appearances he made in last week's show.  How the man still has time to host a show like Miss USA, I have no idea.  He's not human.

Anyway, he shows  up to explain the rules of the show to the contestants.  Shit gets crazy this week, because get this-- there will be two one on one dates and one group date.  WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?

We get one step closer to my dreams of Sean going full frontal when we get a bunch of shots of him wearing boxer briefs (hello, Pelvic lines).  I just saw that movie Shame with Michael Fassbender and I'm really hoping this is the episode where they reveal that Sean isn't actually a born-again virgin-- but a sex addict.  Like, after he hands out the final rose he goes back to his house and has a threesome with two Thai women.  And then, afterwards, Chris Harrison pops out of the closet with a rose and Sean can only give it to one of the Thai women.  Whoever gets the rose gets more time with Sean.

Selma gets the first one on one date and I'm not sure what it is about the girl, but I had the urge to repeatedly punch her in the face in this episode.  And I am not a violent person.  I think she and I got off to a bad start when Sean mentioned that she said people see her as just a pretty face.  Who actually says that?  *SIGH*  Poor deprived Selma!  Thank God I've never had that problem.  People see me as just a short girl with a large Middle-Eastern nose.  Sean surprises Selma with a private jet.  Again, we get yet another girl who's excited to go on some crazy glamorous date.  She asks Sean if every date is going to be like this one.  Uh.  NO.  This date is paid for by ABC, you dumb slut!  As though I couldn't hate this girl even more, she says she feels like a princess in a castle.  You guys might think I'm being hard on Selma, but I think what really rubs me the wrong way is how she's acting like Sean and her have been dating for three years.  She's all over him.  She's already calling him "babe".  It's fake and disturbing and I want to punch her in the boobs! 

Anyway, Selma is visibly disappointed when they land in the middle of the desert. Did they really need to take a plane to Joshua Tree?  It's like two hours from LA.  I start hating Selma even more when she has to make sure she tells Sean she ways 110 pounds.  I have one word for that.  FATTY.

Selma's all kinds of freaked out when Sean drives her around in a Jeep (reminding me of every hot senior guy in high school back when I was a freshman.  1995 was a good year).  They show up at a giant rock formation thingy in Joshua Tree and Selma learns they're going to climb it.  Selma proves she is nothing like every other girl that's been on the Bachelor, because unlike them, she's afraid of heights. Weird.  Every other girl on this show is totally non-plussed when they have to scale a building or dive off a mountain peak.  Selma really doesn't want to climb this rock, but Sean inspires her so much that she sexually grunts her way through it and quickly makes it to the top.  Here's the bad news: A small breeze does not knock her off the rock and kill her.

Sean takes Selma to dinner at some cute little trailer park with a bunch of airsteam trailers.  They cuddle under the blanket and we are subjected to Selma's baby voice.  We learn that she was born in Baghdad and that her parents are really strict, because they are Muslim and she's barely allowed to date and when she does date, she has to do it in secret.  And thus, Selma cannot kiss Sean in front of the cameras.  Sean basically looks like his head might explode from blue balls.  The man is, after all, a kissing whore. But I have a feeling he had at least a couple fingers up her vag under that blanket and that once the cameras were off she gagged all over his junk.  I don't really understand Selma's parents.  On whose watch did she get a boob job, a nose job, and lip injections (seriously, her lips were flopping all over this place in this episode)?  Either way, I think strict Muslim parents who are against their daughter being on the show automatically = hometown date!

Finally, one last reason I hate Selma.  She actually says on camera that she's ARABIC.  Bitch, Arabic is a LANGUAGE.  That's the equivalent of someone saying they are Hebrew or Farsi.  You're Arab.  Deal with it.

Group date time= roller derby!  As if these women weren't humiliated and objectified enough with last week's game of beach volley ball, now they have to put on skimpy outfits and beat each other up on rollerblades.  I could write a dissertation on this shit.  Serpent scary tongue girl (AKA Amanda) pretends that she's hard core to scare the other girls.  And she is hard core.  She could probably reach her hand down any one of their mouths and pull out their ovaries.  Again, because nothing is beneath ABC, they make us watch One Armed Willie (Sarah) try to rollerskate and fall all over the place.  The poor girl is in tears.  I get it, I get it.  There's a lesson here.  Disabled people can do anything.  But the reality is: they actually can't and it's not fair to force this chick into being the poster girl for all one armed people.  I'm sure when she came on this show and wanted to show the world she was just like any other Bachelor contestant, she was thinking more along the lines of sitting in a hot tub and wearing cocktail dresses.

I will say Little Orphan AshLee really shined in this episode, because she helped Sarah get through it and told her not to quit.  You know if KCB was there, she would tell Sarah that Sean hates people with missing limbs and she should quit the show and go home right then and there.

Anyway, after chasing down one of the girls to steal her ovaries, Serpent Scary Tongue ends up bailing and hurting her chin.  Everyone's scared that she may have shattered her jaw and they decide she has to go to the hospital.  Um, I swear to God if one of these girls got a paper cut, they'd be medivacked to Rite Aid to buy a box of band aids.  And you know Amanda's freaking out, because if she gets an X-ray, then the doctors will find out about her serpent snake species tongue and she'll have to kill all of them.

Sean decides to call off the roller derby game and just do a free skate to the love songs of the 70s.  The girls are all kinds of relieved and they're so glad that Sean spared them one iota of humiliation.  I for one wanted to see some blood spilled, so I'm very disappointed.  

Back at the house, the next date card arrives.  We know the one on one date has to go to either Daniella or Black Leslie, because the other girls have had their time with Sean.  You know that Daniella thinks she has this one in the bag, because when has a black girl made it past the first episode let alone gotten a one on one date?  But it's 2013 and ABC just got sued soooooo Black Leslie gets the one on one date!!!  You can tell Daniella is super shocked.  Along with the date card comes a pair of diamond earrings and Leslie goes on and on about how Pretty Woman is her favorite movie and she feels like Julia Roberts, blah blah blah.  Um: she was a hooker in that movie.

Cocktail party group date!  The girls ahhh and ooooh over the rooftop they're hanging out on, even though I'm pretty sure we've seen this exact same set up at least 57 times on this season alone.  This is where Sean really lets me down.  Basically, Tierra the Terrible starts having a meltdown about the other girls being mean to her (she and I have very different definitions of mean) and how she's not getting enough time with Sean.  She storms off in those terrible booty shorts that she has no business wearing and starts screaming at a poor producer who looks like she might go home after this and draw a bath and break out the razor blades.  Tierra says she can't be tortured like this.  Please, please, toss this girl in a helicopter, take her straight to Guantanamo, and water board the fuck out of her. 

Tierra then starts running all over the place looking for Sean.   He comes prancing out with Awesome Lindsay, all ready to grind in the hot tub, when he finds Tierra lurking in the shadows.  Tierra gets all sweet and sad and tells Sean how hard this whole thing is for her.  Instead of dumping her on the spot and telling her that he knows she got that scar on her forehead from guys repeatedly jizzing on her face, he tells her that he knows she likes him and GIVES HER THE DATE ROSE.  The most agonizing part was the smile on Tierra's face when he walked off to get the rose.  She's psycho!  She will kidnap his adorable niece and cut the ears off his dogs if he's not careful. 

The other girls are understandably shocked when Tierra gets the rose.  I mean, I'm all for not treating Sarah differently, but if anyone was tortured today, it was her.   I wish one of those ladies would have the balls to tell Sean he's an idiot and leave the show right then and there.  I have to think that the producers are forcing Sean to keep Tierra around, because every season needs a villain.

Side note: totally forgot that Amanda comes back from the hospital and tries to milk her injury and even sticks her tongue out all over the place in one of her interviews!  That poor camera man could have been beheaded!

It's time for Black Leslie's one on one date.  I have mixed feelings about this whole thing.  This is usually the time in the season where someone will get a boot during a one on one date.  I predicted that's exactly what would happen to Leslie for our bachelor bracket BUT could ABC really do that to the first African-American woman to get a date?  Spoiler alert: yes, they can.

Sean picks Leslie up in a sports car and takes her to the Reg Bev Wil (yes, the same hotel from Pretty Woman) to take her on a shopping spree on Rodeo Drive.  Which is great, because Leslie has terrible fashion sense and she could really use a new outfit.  Unfortunately, she tries on the three ugliest dresses in Badgley Mischka.  I feel like Bell Hooks would have a field day with the shit that goes on during this date (that's right, Bell Hooks.  I went to college.  I'm talking to you, Selma.) There's just something a little creepy and Maid in Manhattan about Powder McWhite taking one of the few minorities on the show on a shopping spree.  As though the dress shopping wasn't bad enough, Sean takes Bleslie to Neil Lane to pick out a giant diamond necklace (on loan).  I'm actually surprised that ABC didn't purposely hire someone Leslie knew from back home to play the role of the black security guard in the store, ripping a page from another Julia Roberts movie: Mystic Pizza.  Remember that scene when her rich boyfriend takes her to dinner at his family's house and it turns out she knows the maid?  This is basically the tone of the entire date-- but instead of Sean proclaiming his love to Leslie-- his rich white family be damned-- he dumps her in the middle of dinner.

Apparently, he just wasn't feeling the romance.  And mind you, this is right after Leslie finishes telling him that every guy she dates marries the girl that comes after her.  What really irks me about this whole date is the lack of music ABC chose to play during their dinner-- to make it seem like it was super awkward and that these two were completely wrong for each other.  Do me a favor-- watch the below clip, while playing Fade Into You by Mazzy Star.  Voila!  Now they're in love. 

Leslie leaves, but not before having to give her diamond necklace back to Sean.  I wish she would have thrown it in his face and then accused him of being a clan leader.  If the hood fits.  Ugh, sorry if I seem really focused on race, but I can't help and think how awesome it would be if Mr. All American fell in love with a woman of color this season.  Robyn, it's all up to you.  Luckily, if any of you caught Happy Endings last week, Leslie had a small role, so hopefully ABC will make it up to her by giving her a starring role on a TV show. Maybe she'll win an Emmy someday and look straight into the camera and say, "Sean, big mistake.  Big. Huge." 

Oh, and of course, when ABC actually books a decent musical guest (Ben Taylor, son of Carly Simon and James Taylor) to sing fucking BY YOUR SIDE by SADE, we just have to watch Sean hang his head in shame and drop the rose to the ground, while poor Leslie drives off in the limo...

Cocktail party time! Basically, the only thing you need to know is that Sean tells the girls to open up to him and feel like they can tell him anything, including things that happen in the house.  Tierra Trash-Face goes into major damage control and makes sure to apologize to Robyn and Jackie (Jackie who?  I don't know, she's apparently a contestant on this show) about the way she treated them on the group date.  And like all manipulative bitches out there, she somehow manages to "apologize" while saying they are horrible mean people.  Then, she runs to Sean and says that she doesn't want him to judge her based on what girls in the house say about her.  Sean promises he won't, but shows he has a tiny bit of sense when he tells her that she's her own worst enemy.  She keeps a giant smile on her face, while very subtly going on the defensive (ahem, red flag!)

Sean manages to sneak in a make out session with the Hawaiian looking girl.  She's super cute.  I don't know why we aren't seeing more of her.  He and Robyn finally have a make out session which heals a tiny piece of my broken heart now that she's the only black contestant left on the show.  Meanwhile, White Lesley looks like she got her make up done on Hollywood Boulevard and now I'm worried that she may no longer be the frontrunner.  Plus, I think she's a Democrat.  Does anyone know if Sean is a Republican?  Could this be a deal breaker for him?  I don't know.  Anyway, Sean has to give one girl the boot during the rose ceremony and he decides to bid creepy Amanda good bye.  Apparently, nearly breaking her jaw was no reason to let her stay.  I fully expect her to walk past the fountain at the front of the house, take out a wand, cast a spell on Sean, Chris Harrison, all the contestants, and every kid at Disneyland while a lighting storm suddenly breaks out in the sky.  Then, after she says a few things in Latin, she turns into a serpent and slithers into the fountain.  But, none of that happens.  Instead, she just talks about feeling rejected and goes home. 

I can't wait for next week, because apparently this happens:

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