Thursday, January 31, 2013

the big BLOW OFF competition

Everyone knows that after a break up, comes the big break up competition. This is where you race to have a better life than your ex. There are winners and losers in every break up.  That's why we would like to extend our sincere congratulations to two celebs who finally WON their break-ups way after the fact.  I mean, it can take decades to officially win.  It takes hard work, dedication, good hygiene, and a tiny dash of smugness.  Let's get real, folks.  Winning a break up is BETTER than winning an Oscar.  Although winning an Oscar usually means you've won the break up. 
So...without further adieu...
Winner: Sheryl Crow  Loser:  These two broke off their engagement in 2006. Lance went on to date Kate Hudson and Sheryl went on to get breast cancer. Then, she did what all middle-aged celebrity women do after getting their heart broken: adopt a kid. In four years time, Lance had a kid too…with his new girlfriend. It seemed like he was totally winning the break up—until he got stripped of all his Tour de France medals, was banned from racing for life, lost all of his endorsements, and was booted from his own cancer charity. If that wasn’t bad enough, he came off looking like a total jack ass in the Oprah interview where he finally admitted to doping. It may have taken seven years but…congratulations Sheryl Crow: You won the break up!!!
Winner: Ben Affleck Loser: Jennifer Lopez. These two broke off their engagement in 2003 when the combination of their romance and a box office flop nearly destroyed both their careers. They were so traumatized by the whole thing that in less than a year they were both married to other people. LESS THAN A YEAR, people. (I’m sorry, but they could not have been completely over each other). JLo married Marc Anthony and Ben Affleck married Jennifer Garner. JLo’s career never fully recovered. I mean, she went on to host American Idol for two years to make herself relevant again. And her rebound marriage didn’t last either. Now she’s dating a twenty-five year old back up dancer who looks like he could be her little brother (okay, he actually seems really sweet, but come on! JLo, you are one of the hottest women ever.) Meanwhile, Ben is still married to Jennifer Garner and he’s won all kinds of awards and critical acclaim for the movie Argo-- and he will probably win an Oscar too. We all know his career is the most important thing to him in the world. So…congratulations Ben Affleck: you won the break up!!!

I only have a vague idea of where most of my exes ended up, but I’d like to think that I’ve won all my break ups except may the one I had with Ryan Gosling. What about you guys? Comment below!


  1. I'm totally guilty of this! But do you think anyone ever thinks that they actually "lost" the break up? Or do we all live with the illusion that we won regardless of the truth?

  2. I wouldn't say we lost but make ourselves feel guilty. "he has a new prettier, skinnier gf..she must be bad in bad or have an std." I think we reason ourselves to make it okay. There has to be "something wrong" with the replacement. I dated fungus for six years. He always blamed me for his overweight problem. He was diabetic who never took care of himself. "You never finish a meal, so I had to." " Well who else was going to finish the leftovers. You hate leftovers." Those are words he actually said to me. When we broke up he instantly had a new gf. I actually was genuinely happy for him. FREEDOM! A few months later, I saw a few photos a mutual friend posted on facebook...with him even "larger!" Even though all those years he blamed me, he still gained more weight with his new gf. I felt quite giddy and a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. (I never truthfully thought nor accepted I made him gain weight. There was no gun to his head offering him a dozen cupcakes.) I just felt like I had finally WON! :)

    1. omg, Tiffany I love this story! I would love to turn it into a post if you'd be into sending more details.

    2. Intend to have it to you this weekend!