Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Worst BLOW OFF Comes From Yourself

I've written countless posts on this blog about things that douchey guys have said or douchey things that supposedly nice guys have done to me.  But this week came a turning point for me.  Because I realized that in 2012 and for most of my life I've been blowing myself off.  Bear with me.  I know that having an existential crisis isn't the topic for most posts but I feel like it's relevant and hopefully helpful.

I'm in a creative profession in the entertainment industry and this week I fucked something up...twice.  Aside from being pissed that I made a mistake, this is an insanely competitive industry.  If I can't do something perfectly someone else can come in who can.  So this added to the anxiety of the situation. It obviously wasn't intentional and the second time around I tried to avoid the same mistake but I was trying so hard not to make the same mistake again that of course it became a self-fulfilling prophecy and I fucked up in the exact same place.  I was of course upset the first time and even more upset and now mortified about my mistake the second time around.

I had the cliche feeling that bad writers would describe as "my stomach being in knots," or "feeling the pit in the bottom of my stomach."  Above all else, I was really angry at myself.  I tried my yoga breathing and repeating "namaste" to myself to calm down.  That didn't work.  I told myself what's done is done and I cannot change it.  That didn't work either.  I tried to forgive myself.  Nope, still didn't work.  I actually received feedback on my work.  At first I refused to read the feedback because in my head I knew that I had done a poor job.  In a moment of temporary insanity I looked at it and received 4's out of a possible 5 points on everything.  Do you think that made me feel better?  No.  They could have just been being polite for my benefit knowing that they would never hire me fore the job.  And even if they were being truthful, 4's don't get jobs, 5's get jobs.  And you are also competing with all of the other 5's for the same jobs.

After a glass of wine I wasn't over it, but decided I should try to let it go.  Even in my attempt to release my disappointment with myself it was still lurking in the back of my mind.  It's still lurking there and I'm not sure if that voice will go away.  Of course it will eventually or I'd be very heavily medicated, but there will for sure be more mistakes in my future and with them the return of this voice.

A few days after the incident, I realized how quick I was and am to blow myself off.  No slack, no empathy, just went straight to that place of "I suck."  It really is worse that being blown off by anyone of the opposite sex after a bad date or comment that you thought was witty but ended up being incredibly rude.  We can always find a way to blame someone else or their issues for not understanding us, but when it's ourselves there's no scape goat.  We can forgive a partner that broke up with us that realizes they made a mistake and want a second chance, but giving ourselves another chance is much harder.  I can't be the only one who has given themselves the blow off, right?

Thinking about my past I noticed that throughout the years I have blown myself off for various reasons, which I now think has affected me more deeply than I realized.  It's probably prevented me from sometimes doing my best or attracting the right people or things into my life.  I know it's not easy (and already the middle to end of January) but I'm going to resolve for the rest of the year to try to not blow myself off.  It will be a challenge but when it's difficult I will try harder.  This will be my little experiment to see how my psyche and life change. I challenge you guys to do the same thing.  Trust me, there are plenty of people who are waiting to blow us off.  We don't need it to come from ourselves too.  Namaste.

Have you blown yourself off?  If so what types of stuff do you blow yourself off for?

1 comment:

  1. I completely relate to this one. I am harder on myself than on anyone else, and one mistake/miscommunication/work-related error can haunt me for months! It's a terrible way to live, isn't it? But it's so difficult to stop the way that you think.