Monday, February 18, 2013

Everyday is President's Day

Okay, not really.  Hope you guys are all having a great three-day weekend.  In honor of the holiday, here's an encore presentation of the top ten Presidential BLOW OFFS.  Thank Jesus the Obamas are not on this list.  Seriously.  If they divorce or one of them has an affair or I find out they really can't stand each other...I'm done with love.  Done.  With.  Love.

10. Before Lincoln married Mary Todd, he was courting Mary Owens. They were on again/off again, both having second thoughts about the relationship. Lincoln wrote Owens a letter saying he wouldn't blame her if she blew off their relationship and she never responded. They were done-zo. When Lincoln later met Mary Todd, they got engaged, but called it quits before the wedding. A year later, they ran into each other again and got married. The Lincoln's had four sons, three of which died. Mary was so broken up over the death of her husband and children, that her oldest and only living son had her committed!

9. FDR had an affair with Lucy Mercer, Eleanor's social secretary for years. Some even say that Eleanor purposely served gnarly food at the White House as a little fuck you to her husband for the affair. When she found out about Lucy, she offered FDR a divorce but Lucy was like "I'm not actually into marrying a divorced dude with five kids."

8. So, John Edwards was never president, but that little brain in his penis was definitely to blame for him dropping out of the presidential race in 2008. He famously fathered a child with what has to be the most obnoxious presidential mistress (Rielle "I call him Johnny" Hunter), while his wife Elizabeth was battling cancer. Elizabeth and John legally separated before her death in December. She got in one last BLOW OFF when she cut him out of her will.

7. Keeping a relationship secret is a blow off by omission. That's pretty much what Thomas Jefferson did all the years he never acknowledged his long term affair with slave Sally Hemings. Some of the kids Jefferson had with Sally even worked as his slaves. He freed them prior to his death. Nice one, TJ.

6. Ronald Reagan is the only US president that's ever been divorced. Prior to meeting Nancy in 1949, he was married to actress Jane Wyman. They had three children together, one daughter one adopted son, and another baby daughter who died the day after she was born. Sadness. They were married for nine years and Wyman blamed their divorce on their differing politics.

5. Another guy who got close to the White House, but never made it thanks to the crappy economy and his crappy running mate was John McCain. Mr. Maverick came back from Vietnam to find his then wife Carol to be 4 inches shorter, a total chubster, and confined to a wheelchair after she had a serious accident. But let's cut the guy some slack, maybe she was a total bitch too. John had a lot of affairs, including one with a chick named Cindy.

4. While there's no evidence that Richard Nixon cheated on his wife, he pretty much BLEW OFF
democracy during the Watergate scandal. You know, that whole thing where dudes tied to the Nixon White House broke into the Democratic party headquarters at the Watergate hotel. Nixon played the whole "i'm going to dump you before you dump me" card when he resigned from office before he would have most likely been impeached.

3. Aaron Burr, the Vice President under Jefferson, felt super blown off when he learned Jefferson wanted to drop him from the ticket in his reelection campaign in 1804. Burr ran for governor of NY, but lost that election, and got seriously pissed when dudes from his party talked mad smack about him. Especially Alexander Hamilton. Burr challenged Hamilton to a duel. Well, duels were outlawed in NY, so the two men headed to Jersey. Burr shot Hamilton and he died the following day! Burr fled to the south for awhile, but eventually returned to Washington to complete his term as VP and all charges against him were dropped. Man, that would so not be the way that would have gone down in 2013.

2. Thanks to Lewinsky-gate, things like cigars and interns will always be synonymous with the 1990s and the oval office. In hindsight, the whole sexual relations thing grosses me out more than it did at the time, because Monica was only 21. Yikes! Years later, Clinton's rep was relatively untarnished, but I really hope Obama only associates with chubby gay male interns. (Unless of course he's secretly in the closet.)

1. Just watch the below video. Enough said.

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