Tuesday, February 5, 2013

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 5

"If I want to go get engaged, I could easily go get engaged."
-Tierra

I can't decide if we should call this episode five or just title it "another black girl bites the dust." Not to spoil the ending, but let's just say the show gets a whole lot whiter after the rose ceremony.

Once again, Chris Harrison is working harder than a migrant farmer when he shows up in this episode a whopping four times and even has to do a therapy session with Sean by the end.  I hope he got paid time and a half.  He's there to break the tragic news to the ladies-- no, America was not attacked by terrorists.  No, there was not a tsunami in San Francisco. No, there was not an assassination attempt on President Obama.  It's worse, you guys.  There's going to be a two on one date in this episode!!!  Chris Harrison even wrote a poem about it: two girls, one rose.  One stays, one goes. Is there anything that man can't do?!

The girls also learn that they are going to be flying to Whitefish, Montana to prove to Sean that they love nature just as much as he does.  Thank God there's a reference to Sean being an outdoor guy, because when this episode did not open with half-naked shots of him lifting weights, I was afraid he was no longer the man I thought he was.  There's something about nature guys that really upsets me.  And it's not because my husband has enough camping supplies to live in the wilderness for a year.  I just feel like they put a lot of pressure on girls to be at one with the earth.  Like, sleeping in a tent and going on a hike are the pinnacle of amazing-ness.  When I had to go to Yosemite with my eighth grade class our camp leader made us write a journal entry about our favorite place to visit and then read them out loud.  Every single kid said yosemite was their favorite place (suck ups).  I said San Francisco.  Take that, Half Dome!

Lindsay (the chick who wore the wedding dress in the first episode) learns she's getting the first one on one date and NO JOKE, she cries tears of joy.  WTF.  You did not just win an oscar.  You won a televised date.  Pull yourself together, woman!  In the most original thing that has ever happened on this show, Lindsay and Sean are picked up by a helicopter.  And Linsday says:  Is that a helicopter?  No, it's a whaling ship.  And just when we thought this was like any other date in every other episode of the bachelor, Sean makes sure to tell Lindsay that this is the MOST bad-ass helicopter.

Did you guys notice that ABC totally provided the girls with flannels??  Lindsay is wearing a black and white flannel that's identical to the flannel shirts the group date girls have to wear and then later, Tierra is wearing the same flannel.  Sean, don't let the warm and comfy fabric confuse you!  Your wife is NOT in that room!

I will say that Montana is really beautiful.  It's too bad all that pretty nature has to be exposed to an array of sexually transmitted diseases taking shelter on the eleven vaginas that are still left in the competition.  I take that, back.  Ten vaginas.  I just don't think one arm Sarah has an STD.  I honestly don't think Lindsay and Sean talked about anything during their day date.  They rode on the helicopter, had a picnic, and kissed.  CUT TO: dinner time.  One of the things I like about Sean is that he's really good about asking the girls questions about themselves.  But it's SO hard to figure out who he's genuinely into because he seems genuinely into EVERYONE.  He's always blushing and getting all giddy.  Make up your mind, Whitey McBlondey.  I think Lindsay could surprise us all and make it to the end.  She seems sweet, but what happened to her goofy personality?  She was funny in the first episode.  Now all she does is gaze into Sean's eyes and tells him how great he is.  We learn a little about her life as an army brat (it fucking sucks) and then they make out.  Lindsay gets a rose.

We now interrupt this program to go over Sean's favorite phrases:
#1 Me too.
#2 I'm crazy about you.
#3 I love that.

Just when Lindsay thinks the night couldn't get any better, Sean surprises her with a concert from...ADELE!  Just kidding.  It's some obscure country star I've never heard of who sings songs about wanting to be a cigarette so she can linger on your breath.  Way to condone smoking, ABC.  Sean and Lindsay slow dance on a little stage, while the citizens of Whitefish soak up the moment.  Seriously, this is probably the coolest thing that's happened to this town.  (and one of my besties from high school lives there, sorry if you're reading this).

Back at the house, the group date card arrives and using the very difficult process of elimination, the ladies figure out that Jackie and Tierra will be going on the one on one date.  Um, no suspense there.  Jackie has had maybe forty-five seconds of screen time the last five episodes combined.  And there's footage from tomorrow's episode with Tierra the Busted.  Tierra gets super excited over the group date, because she knows she has this shit in the bag. 

Group date time!  Ugh, get Selma off my TV screen.  She looks like a Real Housewife of the Shah's of Sunset.  What is up with that terrible headband?!  It does not go with flannel!  And if the outfit wasn't bad enough, she has to do the whole run/jump/straddle move on Sean.  So....she can't kiss on TV, but she can wrap her legs around a guy's junk.

Chris Harrison shows up to tell the girls they'll be split into two teams and will compete in a relay race.  The team that wins gets to spend the evening with Sean.  There's a red team and a blue team and they have to wear corresponding flannels.  You know who I really feel bad for in this whole thing?  The goats that these bitches have to milk at the end of the race.  We don't know where those hands have been!  This is where Chris Harrison auditions to be a sportscaster on ESPN, because he gives us a play by play of the relay race.  It goes something like this: The red team is ahead.  The blue team is ahead.  The red team is ahead.  The red team wins!

Desiree (AKA Joey Potter) chugs a huge glass of goat milk, winning the race for her team.  BUT at the cocktail party, Sean decides that the only thing better than having four girls fawn all over him is having EIGHT girls fawn all over him, so he decides to have the blue team join the cocktail party.  Which really pisses off Chris Harrison, because he was just settling down in his hotel room with a bottle of blue label and his unlimited adult pay-per-view purchase.  Now he has to go to the blue team and tell them to get their slut on, because they are going to get....more time with Sean!!!  The red team is all kinds of pissed that the blue team is joining them.  Ladies.  How dumb can you be?!  Stop rolling your eyes.  Stop giving Sean attitude.  Don't you know how this game works?  You have to tell Sean you don't care, because you're confident, and he's just the most amazing person ever by letting the losers come hang out. (Although, I don't blame Joey Potter.  I mean, she looked like she had semen dripping out of her mouth when she drank the goat milk.)

Soooo...back at the house, Tierra decides she's going to crash the group date and get some private time with Sean before their two on one date.  All I can say is, I cannot wait for the women tell all episode!!!  Tierra is going to get ripped to shreds!  Someone at ABC tell me how this whole thing works.  Do the producers come up with the idea of Tierra showing up or does she tell them she has this idea and they approve it?  Anyway, Sean's giving an interview and Tierra the Terrible shows up behind him and covers his eyes.  Just one time, I would love to see the Bachelor say: you are bat-shit crazy, please get away from me.  But Sean just cuddles up on a bench with her.  I would like to believe that ABC is forcing Sean to keep her around, because it's good TV and that he can't actually be attracted to this kind of behavior.  I mean, at least Courtney the model was hot.  Tierra looks like a troll with super white teeth.  And I would describe her body type as "stout."

Anyway, Sean basically spends the group date with all the girls on the losing team.  He and ethnically ambiguous Catherine sneak out for a make out session.  She could be the dark horse here.  Sean seems REALLY into her.  But aside from the fact that she's vegan, but still likes the hot beef injection, we know nothing about her.  Like seriously, what is this girl's story??  Anyway, Daniella (hot Messiah) comes out to find Sean and gets all emotional when she sees Pocahantas sitting on his lap.  She starts to cry, Sean takes her aside....and bitch gets the rose for "showing a different side."  Um, what??  Showing your unstable overly sensitive side means getting a rose?  How is it that he totally saw right through KCBstupid and gave her the boot, but he can't see straight when a girl cries in front of him.

Let's take a moment to celebrate the women who have not cried on this show: White Lesley, Desiree, Robyn Chocolate, and Pocahantas.  I don't think Little Orphan Ashlee has cried yet, but she does later so we are not celebrating her.

Guys...it's the moment we've all been dreading.  The very inhumane two on one date.  Poor Jackie has to pretend like she's confident and that she actually stands a chance against Tierra the hobbit.  The date starts with the three of them going horse-back riding and even Jackie's horse knows she's going home tonight.  It just lingers behind, while Tierra and Sean gallop off into the sunset.  Sean and Jackie have a moment alone and Jackie warns him about Tierra...who was apparently flirting with a cute guy at the airport.  Drama!  Sean, what else do you need to know?  Get rid of her, she's bad news!  But don't mess with Tierra...she brings out the big guns during the dinner date.  That's right: she plays the dead boyfriend card.  She learned a thing or two from Emily "hoodrat backwoods west Virginia" Maynard.  How much do we love that she's kept this story in her back pocket for when she needed it the most?!  Apparently, she dated a guy for five years who was in and out of rehabs (Sean: drug and alcohol facilities?  Awww, he hears rehab and assumes it's for a sports injury) and then, in 2009 the guy died.  I don't mean to sound cynical...but I want proof.  Like exhume the body proof.  And that's why Tierra the Troll has a hard time opening up.  Uh, what?  The girl that stalks Sean at every turn is trying to tell us she's guarded?  I call bull shit!

Also, no offense to Tierra or anything, but if I was her boyfriend, I would kill myself too.  Wait, what?  It's not okay to say awful mean things if you don't just say "no offense" first?  Oops.

In a shocking turn of events, Sean gives Tierra the rose and sends Jackie packing.  While poor Jackie (who the girls described as the nicest person in the house) gets driven off in a limo, fireworks go off in the sky as Tierra and Sean cuddle.  You guys, I'm not gonna lie.  I think at the end of this season, we're going to find out that Tierra is actually Ursula from The Little Mermaid.

Rose ceremony time!  Robyn decides that being on the Bad Girl's Club would be way more fun than pretending to like an Albino on The Bachelor so she confronts Tierra.  Basically, Tierra ignores all the girls in the house and only talks to them when the cameras are on.  Sean literally walks past them when Tierra says "I do bite.  I am a Scorpio and my stinger does come out when I get pissed."

He keeps saying that no one is giving him specifics.  Um, you walked right by her while she talked about stinging people.  She hates all the girls.  All the girls hate her.  She flirts with other men.  She's creepy.  She's got a jiz scar on her forehead.  She's cold.  She thinks "pity" and "petty" are the same word. What does he want?  Proof on tape?  Because ABC could provide that!  Here's the deal, Sean.  Whenever there is a person on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette that NO ONE likes it's because they are awful and psychotic.  It's not like they are all running around telling him that One Arm Sarah is a cunt.  I am just going to choose to believe that Sean prays to the heavenly father to forgive him every time he has to pretend to like Hobbit head.

The only good thing about any of this is the scene between White Sean and White Lesley, because he asks her to be straight with him about Tierra and they seem like a real couple and yes I picked her to be the winner of the show in my Bachelor bracket.  Big money!

So, before the rose ceremony, Sean decides he needs to consult with Chris Harrison about everything.  And by everything, I mean AIDS in Africa, climate change, and the economic crisis in Spain.  He's really upset and he's really on edge and he says that he's not so sure his wife is in that room.  The funny thing is, he's completely being earnest.  I so wish that even though it won't happen in this episode, he'll give a rose to Tierra and then dramatically take it away after realizing she has a rotten vagina.  But instead, he gives Robyn the boot.  And then puts her in the limo and says "best of luck."  Fuck that.  I guess he doesn't like chocolate as much as he told her he did.  Now I'm scared he might have a swastika tattoo on his left butt cheek.  Which is why we deserve a naked ass shot.

*Fingers crossed Tierra dies of hypothermia and leaky eye-liner in tonight's episode*

PS I still hate Selma.

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