Wednesday, February 6, 2013

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 6

I swear, this has not gone from a blog about break-ups to a blog about The Bachelor.  Even if it is the recaps that generally get the most hits.  This shit writes itself though guys, and last night's episode was no exception.

The episode kicks off with Sean and the girls traveling to the exotic lands of the Canadian Rockies.  We get some more opening shots of Sean hiking and hugging trees.  He actually says "I love the outdoors" for the hundredth time.  We get it.  You are hot and rugged.  Let it go.

Seriously though, Lake Louise (which I'll admit I've never heard of) was stunning.  This franchise is ridiculously stupid, but I do like the travelogue aspect of it.  Chris Harrison shows up to greet the girls and tell them that there's a date card waiting for them in their hotel.  I don't know what it is about Harrison this season, but I kind of love him.  It really seems like the weight of his divorce is off of him and that he's a lot happier.  Do you think whenever a girl gets kicked off the show, the limo takes them directly to Harrison's personal fantasy suite and they have consolation sex with him?  I hope so.

The first one on one date goes to Pocahantas (AKA Catherine.)  Seriously, where is this chick from?  Is she Asian?  Hawaiian? Latina? I have no idea.  But it's probably better for her to stay ethnically ambiguous.  After all, if this episode proves anything it's that minorities do not do well on this show.  I stick to my theory from yesterday's post that Catherine could be the dark horse in this competition.  She seems to get prettier every time she's on screen.  She has her nose pierced which could make Sean delude himself into thinking he's not Mr. Apple Pie.  She spells her name right.  And she seems really normal.  I mean, what is she doing on this show?  Oh, wait.  She probably wants to be an actress.  I feel so much better now that I've figured that one out.

Back at the hotel,  Daniella is really confused.  The group date arrives and she's on it, which makes her the only one that's only had group dates with Sean.  Daniella: allow me to spell it out for you.  He's not interested.  You got a rose last week, because you cried.  Try brushing your hair and wearing form flattering clothing.  

Catherine has to wait in the middle of some glacier for Sean.  This date is like my worst nightmare.  I'm cold just watching the poor girl.  But it's serious nature porn for my husband.  Anyway, you guys are not going to believe this because Sean pulls up in....not a helicopter!  The show finally decided to get all kinds of creative with their modes of transportation and this time we get a snow bus.  WOOT WOOT.  They ride around in the bus and then Pocahantas and Sean try to go sledding, but it's too freezing.  Sean's face gets really red and I realize that I've been wrong to call him Whitey McWhite.  He's more like Rosy McRose.  I have to give Catherine credit on this date, she's really good about smiling through the near blizzard and rolling with the punches.

Wait.  Holy crap.  Is Catherine an eskimo?

It turns out, not only is she an eskimo...but she's a Princess Eskimo.  The night time portion of the date consists of the two of them having dinner in an ice castle.  This date would be better for Tierra since she's an Ice Queen (oooooh, snap!) BUT I guess it's kind of romantic.  The H Bomb actually said "he should definitely have sex with her in there."  He may or may not have said the same thing about the snow bus.  Pocahantas decides this is the moment she's going to open up to Sean about something traumatic that happened in her life that has made settling down and getting married the most important thing to her.  I'll preface this by saying this story is really sad and it did make me cry a little bit.  So, when Poca-mo (pocahantas meets eskimo, get it?) was twelve she went to summer camp and was hiking with another girl her age, when a tree fell on the girl walking in front of her and killed her instantly.  Ugh.  Awful.  Don't get me wrong, this is all kinds of tragic and horrible and sad but....did she really have to tell him about it?  I mean, it is a little bit random.  And Sean basically just smiles and says "thanks for sharing that with me."  I really, really hope that off camera he asked more questions or opened up about something he went through or asked her if she got counseling.  Anyway, they make out and Poca-Mo gets the rose.

Group date time! The girls meet up with Sean at Lake Louise and learn they are going on a canoe ride.  I'm pretty happy about this date so far, because White Lesley AKA my #1 pick is starting to get a little more aggressive and quickly volunteers to get in the canoe with Sean.  Keep up the good work, Les-- I've got money on this.  They canoe to another side of the lake and are told they are going to do something called the Polar Bear Plunge.  It's a Canadian tradition where you plunge in insanely freezing cold water.  My heart hurts a little bit for these girls.  I mean, what next?  Russian freaking Roulette for a rose?  Selma flat out says she won't do it.  On one hand, I respect her for not doing something she doesn't want to do for a guy, but on the other hand it just proves that she's high maintenance and totally wrong for Paul Bunyon.  Little Orphan AshLee is also scared, but decides she's thirty-two and needs a man and if that means losing a couple fingers and toes, so be it.  This would be a really good place for a one arm Sarah joke, but I'm not going to go there.

The girls throw on their bikinis and my #1 holds Sean's hand the whole time (you got this, girl.  You got this!) and they actually plunge in the water.  There's an EMT and a lifeguard on hand and everyone is told that they need to get out of the water as fast as they can.  At the risk of sounding cheesy, the whole thing actually ends up being kind of exhilarating.  The girls are smiling from ear to ear.  Everyone's hugging and cheering and so happy and then...Tierra starts going into convulsions.  Maybe she caught sight of her reflection in a mirror and saw how awful her eye make up looked, but she starts shaking and her eyes roll back in her head.  I mean, how is it possible that she's practically going into cardiac arrest when the other girls don't even look cold anymore?  They have to wrap her in some foil and cart her off into a car and basically snuggle with her until she gets warmer.  Ugh.  There's been some pretty hateful people on these shows, but I honestly don't think I've hated anyone as much as Tierra.  I want to go girl with the dragon tattoo on her ass.  I don't even know exactly what that means, but basically I want to beat her up.  Side note: I love how Chris Harrison never shows up when they are asking the ladies to do something that could kill them.

The best part of the whole episode was when a worried Desiree and Catherine checked up on Tierra and then wondered how the other girls fared.  CUT TO all the other girls laughing and having the time of their lives as they come back to the hotel.

Tierra ends up getting hooked up to an oxygen tank and chilling in her hotel room.  Sean comes to pay her a visit and snuggles with her and says-- you know what-- I don't even know what he said, the whole thing made me so angry.  I realize he's a little naive and doesn't have a whole lot of street smarts and wants to see the best in people...but how does he not see right through her??  Sean, let me explain this to you in a language you'll understand.  Tierra is Satan.  Lucifer.  The Devil.  She's definitely Ursula from The Little Mermaid in disguise.  Stay away from her!

The one silver lining of this whole fiasco is that Tierra is too "sick" to go on the nighttime portion of the group date.  The other girls are excited to have Sean to themselves without Tierra adding any more drama to the night.  One Arm Sarah decides to share pictures of her family with Sean and you can tell he's a little it's all moving so fast.  Which is all kinds of hilarious, because he's going to get engaged to one of these girls in like two weeks.  Sarah keeps saying that she wants Sean to meet his family, but I know that's never going to happen.  If you are not madly in love with the one arm girl, then you are not going to put her through introducing you to her family, only to dump her right after that. 

White Lesley snuggles with Sean and tells him she's really starting to have feelings for him.  He's sweet about it, but I'm getting a little worried...because he seems more guarded with her.  Like there's someone else he's more into now.  Hmmmm.  Not a good sign.

Back at the hotel, fucking Tierra decides that she doesn't want to miss the group date after all and gets all dolled up to crash the party.  Proving that she faked the whole hypothermia thing.  The girls are super annoyed when she shows up.  And I'm super annoyed because Sean asks her shit like "do you want a proposal at the end of this."  Tell me he's just playing her.  Please God.  My faith in Sean gets slightly renewed when he gives the group date rose to...Lesley!  The look on Tierra's face is priceless.  Seriously, though.  Lesley might be my favorite.  She just seems the most normal of all the girls and even though she uttered the one sentence I wish could be eradicated in the English language ("I love love"), I think she and Sean would make a good couple.  However: we don't know if she's religious and we don't know if he's a democrat.  Both those things could be deal breakers here.

The group date ends and then the worst thing ever happens.  I really, really, really hated this part of the episode.  Basically, Aryan Nation Sean decides that he just doesn't have strong enough feelings for One Arm Sarah and he needs to let her go now.  This is where I become convinced that he's secretly a Neo-Nazi and thinks people that have disabilities should be put to death.  He keeps saying that he wants to do the right thing by letting her go early instead of making her hang out all day tomorrow and sit through the rose ceremony the following day.  I mean, it must be some shitty awful long days when they're taping the rose ceremony, because every bachelor seems to think they are doing a person some huge favor by dumping them before the rose ceremony.  But to me it just seems way more humiliating to dump them early.  Plus, it also blind sides them.  And it seems like all the girls are besties and at least she would get another day to have fun with her GFs.  Sarah is understandably upset and the whole thing just breaks my heart to pieces.  She says that Sean basically gave her the speech she hears from every guy: she's amazing and someone else will be more deserving of her, blah blah. I have to keep telling myself that even though it's hard not to feel bad for Sarah when she only has one arm, her true downfall might be that she's pretty damn boring. 

That said, ABC: I think it would be pretty awesome if you made Sarah the next Bachelorette.  She's still more interesting than Emily Maynard.  

Joey Potter gets the next one on one date in this episode, which is great, because I picked her as the runner-up.  This is her SECOND one on one date which is a very good sign.  The date begins with Sean telling her they are going to have a picnic, but first they have to climb scale down a rock.  Katie Holmes is a little freaked out, but they make it down and the whole thing makes her realize that she can conquer anything with Whitey McRedFace by her side.  They have their picnic and Desiree tells Sean that she loves to climb trees and they climb a tree together.  ABC really dropped the ball here, because this date would have been perfect for Catherine what with the whole hiking/tree incident. 

Sean and Desi have dinner in a teepee.  Again, perfect date for Pocahantas.  Why is it that the girls always save their sob stories for the nighttime portion of their dates?  We learn that Desi's family lived in tents and trailer parks, because they were so poor.  The off-putting thing about Joey Potter is that she's smiling the whole time she talks about all this.  Like, she could tell you that your entire family just died and she'd still have a shit-eating grin on her face.  It's weird.  Even when Sean opens up to her, she just smiles and nods.  She would actually make the perfect Bachelorette.  When you watch dates with these two, it's almost like she IS the bachelorette and he's the one vying for her love.  Desi also says that the whole growing up poor thing made her not care about money, but I call bullshit on that.  She wants to work in fashion.  And I've never met a fashionista who wasn't also a label whore.  But whatever.  Why do I feel like one summer, Desi's parents took the kids on a cross-country road trip where they stayed in a camper and tents and she equated that to being homeless?

Needless to say, she gets a rose.

Cocktail party time!  Sean has a cute conversation with Awesome Lindsay who decides that she's not going to kiss him (Because seriously, all they ever do is make out).  Side note about Lindsay: She says Tierra is too young to get engaged, but they are apparently the same age.  I'm confused here.  I like Linds though.  She's kind of ditsy and funny and she sleeps naked.

Selma knows she could be on the chopping block, because she didn't do the Polar Bear Plunge, so she decides to bring out the big guns.  And by big guns, she apparently doesn't mean the super inappropriate amount of cleavage she's sporting.  There is nothing I hate more than religious hypocrisy and it just really bothers me that it's apparently okay to let her boobies hang out, but she can't kiss on TV.  But, she totally gives Allah the finger in this episode when she decides to kiss Sean anyway. she has no integrity either.  Get her off my TV!

Little Orphan Ashlee does some stupid trust exercise with Sean with a blindfold.  What is this a corporate retreat?  This is like watching Helen Keller and Annie Sullivan hang out.  I like AshLee BUT...I saw on that she's been married before.  Hmmm...wonder when she'll drop that bombshell. 

Rose ceremony time.  Harrison decides to stop by and make an appearance.  Apparently, he was in the middle of consolation sex with Sarah.  Desi, Catherine, and Lesley already have roses and there are only three more to give out.  Sean decides to give the boot to Daniella (I mean, bitch is lucky she hung around this long) and...Selma.  I know some of you might be surprised, but I'm not.  SEAN is a born again Christian- born again Virgin.  He's just not going to end up with a Muslim.  And he's certainly not going to end up with one that's clearly as high maintenance as Selma.  He was over her the second she didn't put on a bikini and jump in ice cold water.  Personally, I'm glad to see her go.  Sure, she deserved to stay more than Sexually Transmitted Tierra, but Sarah deserved to be there more than both of them.

The episode ends with one of the most amazing statements from Sean: "I know that you six are the six for me."  Until next week in St. Croix!

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