Wednesday, February 13, 2013

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

This episode was an emotional rollercoaster.  It was like the highest highs and the lowest lows at every turn.  Okay, that's a little dramatic, but I think I'm still scarred from the fact that Chris Harrison had about thirty seconds of screen time this week.  How could he abandon us in our time of need?

Sean and his six girlfriends arrive in St. Croix via water plane.  I have to really hand it to the producers of the show-- they have finally decided to get a little more creative with their modes of transportation for dates.  Before we know it, Sean will be picking chicks up in a UFO.  That would be so hot.  Talk about total dream date to go hang out with a bunch of aliens.

The girls move into their hotel and receive the first one on one date card.  Little Orphan Ashlee receives the date.  Honestly, I can't believe "date night" has beat "one on one date" in our vernacular.  Next time I ask the life partner if he wants to go out to dinner, I'm gonna be like: Do you want to have a one on one date tonight?  You guys should do that too.

Anyway.  Tierra the Trashy gets all up in arms that Ashlee gets the next date.  She calls her a cougar.  SAY WHAT?  She's thirty-two (I'm 32).  Tierra is twenty-four.  She says that when she's thirty-two, she wants to be married with kids and not gossiping with a bunch of girls.  Hold me back, hold me back.  I'm going to cut off her eyebrow and sew it to her upper-lip. 

Here's the deal: under no circumstances is it acceptable to go on The Bachelor.  I don't care how pretty you are or normal you seem or how old you are, you're an automatic loser no matter what. BUT doesn't thirty-two make more sense as the age to meet someone and settle down than twenty-four?!  Ten years ago, Tierra was a high school freshman.  Also, if we're counting in Vagina years, then I think Tierra's vagina is about twenty years older than AshLee's, so there.

Whitey McWhite and Supermodel Orphan go on their one on one date and hang out on a fancy boat.  Am I wrong or does Ash have fake boobs?  How did her adoptive minister father feel about that?  I honestly don't know what went on during this date, because I was still fantasizing about going hoodrat backwoods West Virginia on Tierra, but I'm pretty sure Sean and Ashlee made out, jumped in the water, and made out some more.  On the beach, Sean asks Ash-face to explain this whole Tierra thing to him and she basically lays it out for him: Tierra is rude and stupid.  I feel like none of the girls are doing a good job of articulating how awful she is, but I guess it's because they haven't even seen the worst of it the way we have?  If I was there, I'd be like: Sean, she's bat-shit crazy.  And you look like a dumb fucking idiot for keeping her around as long as you have. Side note, I'm falling in love with you.

Dinner date time.  AshLee admits to Sean that there's something she needs to tell him before her hometown date.  I love how the girls leave out major details of their lives until they've made sure Sean has already gotten a boner over potentially inviting them to the fantasy suite.  Basically: when orphan was seventeen, she was having major problems with her mom and she handled it the way any teenaged girl would.  She married her boyfriend.  Yeah.  She got married when she was a high school junior.  WTF?  Is the big reveal going to be that AshLee's mom is Mama June and that Honey Boo Boo is her little sister?  I'm just saying, getting married at seventeen is only something that happens on soap operas or po-dunk trailer park towns.  Technically, it's not really that big of a deal.  She was young and stupid and it was like forty years ago.  And because Sean is the most perfect man in the world, he tells Orphan AshLee that he doesn't care and that she needs to take the word "broken" out of her vocabulary.  OMG.  A Nicholas Sparks novel is unfolding right before our very eyes.

Then things get really cheesy.  Ashlee gets up on her chair and screams: HELLO ST CROIX!  Wait.  It gets worse.  Then she screams: I LOVE SEAN.  I'm just going to choose to believe that she's not really this cheesy and what she really screamed was I LOVE SHONDA RHIMES and they just edited it to make it sound like she said she loves Sean.  Just when I think it can't get any worse than that, Ash drops the L word like five more times.  She's an I love you slut.  And all Sean can say is "thank you." 

Oh, btw, this is where things get confusing, because Chris Harrison didn't bother to explain the rules to us at the beginning of the episode.  There are NO roses on the one on one dates this week.  Just one rose on the group date.  I know.  This show is so freaking hard to follow.

Back at the hotel, Scarface (AKA Tierra) learns that she has the next one on one date card and that she and Sean are going to see the town of St. Croix.  All the other girls think this is awesome, but in typical Tierra the terrible fashion, she is super pissy about this date.  She wants to hang out on a boat and sport a bikini. 

Sean meets Tierra for their date and no joke, I don't think he's ever looked hotter.  And trust me when I say I was not attracted to Sean at all when this show first started.  But something about those shorts and those sneakers and that linen shirt.  It's like he stepped off the pages of a J Crew catalogue.  Sadly, it's all wasted on the worst person in the entire world.  Honestly, I think the next season of Homeland should be about Carrie going after Tierra, because bitch is worse than Abu Nazir.  Sean and Tierra do all those typical things you do on one of these lame downtown dates.  They buy jewelry.  Talk to the locals.  Buy smoothies.  Laugh.  Watch some ghetto parade.  And have butt sex in an alley.

Sean decides to confront Tierra about the fact that all the girls think she's a whore and she says she doesn't care, because these girls aren't going to be around much longer.  Clearly, the girl has learned nothing from the previous sixteen seasons of The Bachelor.  UM.  Try acting a little remorseful, dumb butt!   This is when I definitely feel like Sean's had to pretend to be into Tierra this entire time, because it looks like he's trying super hard to keep a straight face and not tell her that he knows she's actually Ursula from The Little Mermaid.  And that putting her in The Bachelor is just some cross-promotion synergy move on the part of the Walt Disney Company.

Nighttime date!  Tierra decides to confront Sean about being distant on their group date and says that she feels behind in the game.  Wait, I'm sorry.  I didn't realize I was watching The Amazing Race (BURN!).  Sean pretends like he's into her regardless what the girls say about her.  Tierra smiles her evil smile and tells Sean she's falling in love with him.  And then things get weird.  Sean rings her neck and keeps screaming TELL ME HOW YOU GOT THAT SCAR ON YOUR FOREHEAD!  And then Tierra...dies.  Omg, you guys I'm so sorry.  I keep getting my own dark fantasies confused with what Sean does. 

Group date time!  Desi (Joey Potter), Catherine (Pocahontas), and Lindsay (I giggle every time I talk) all get woken up by Sean at 4:42 AM.  They are, of course, all kinds of embarrassed that Sean has to see them without make up on.  Except for Catherine.  Sean takes a picture of her right when she wakes up and she looks about as gorgeous as I would look if...I underwent a FACE/OFF and traded faces with Catherine.  She even says that all she needs to do to get ready is pee and she's good to go.  Do you think you're better than the rest of us, Poca-Mo because you're so naturally gorgeous?  I've got news for you.  You are.  You're better than us.

The girls get in a Jeep with Sean and he drives them to see the sunrise.  They spend the rest of the day going to various hot spots on the island until they end up on the west side to watch the sunrise.  Except they can't see the sun at all.  I'm bored by this group date.  I ask the life partner who he thinks is the hottest girl of the three and he says Lindsay.  At first, I'm appalled, but then I'm happy that he loves the girl that has zits on her face.

Catherine decides that the sob story she shared with Sean about the tree falling on her twelve year old friend did not have a big enough impact on him, so she decides to tell him a story of how her dad attempted suicide in front of her when she was 14.  Um, I think that trumps the tree thing.  So, basically-- Catherine has a depressed Chinese father.  FINALLY.  She's half-Asian.  When I worked at ABC, I sat in on diversity meetings and the Asian Pacific Islander reps are hard-core.  They clearly got Catherine on the show and she's clearly going to be the next bachelorette.  Again, I'm expecting Sean to be like: My family is perfect and I want a wife who has a perfect family too BUT he doesn't do that because he's PERFECT.  He tells her that he will find a cure for depression and make her father better.  Okay, he doesn't say that, but he may as well have.

Desiree decides that she needs to up the ante by crying too.  Which is a bummer, because she was one of the only girls that hadn't cried on the show yet.  But unlike Pocahontas, she cries over how perfect and wonderful her family is.  The show makes it seem like Sean is spending all his time on the date with Joey Potter and that he doesn't care about Lindsay Pimples and China Doll BUT in a typical Bachelor bait and switch-- Lindsay gets the group date rose!  Sean will be meeting her family next week.

Here's the thing with Desi.  I just don't buy that she's into Sean at all.  I'm telling you-- every time they're together it feels like he's the contestant and she's The Bachelorette.  There's just no chemistry there.

This is when things get really sad for me.  Sean and White Lesley have their one on one date and I can just tell, he's not into her.  The whole date is really uncomfortable.  You can just tell she's totally into it and he's thinking of how he really wants to take a nap.  This is hard for me to take, because I picked White Lesley as the winner of this whole damn thing.  Where did these two go wrong?  They hold the record for longest screen kiss of all time.  He seemed SO into her in the beginning.  I think she's just not the flirty "I love you so much, you're perfect" type and he's used to the other girls constantly stroking his ego.  I'm mad at Lesley for not stepping it up and for looking like Tori Spelling every so often.  Side note: I don't know what it is about this show, but it brings out the fourteen year old boy in Bryon (that's my husband-- can I just call him by name from now on?).  He totes said that Leslie's tank top was just begging to be taken off.  I have to keep reminding him that this is not a soft porn.

Anyway.  The show doesn't even bother showing Leslie and Sean's nighttime date.  I'm not even sure they had one.  That's when I know: I've lost my bachelor bracket.

Next day.  This is when shit gets good, you guys.  Sean's sister, who is apparently a super hero because she wears neon, shows up to St. Croix to give him advice.  Um, hello ABC.  Ever heard of Skype?  You do not need to fly his sister in like this.  Anyway, Sean confides in her about the Tierra dilemma and she reminds him what the one piece of advice was that she gave him.  Sean: don't end up with the girl that no one likes.  Thank you, Confucius.  Why men even need to be told this, I don't understand.  Sean decides that the best thing to do is have his sister meet Tierra and says he's going to grab her.

But, purely by coincidence, (yeah, right ABC.  I know how this game is played)  Tierra and Ashlee are fighting because Tierra knows that Ashlee threw her under the bus with Sean and she's ready to cut a bitch.  I was really impressed by Little Orphan AshLee during this confrontation.  She managed to keep her cool even when Tierra pretty much called her pathetic for being thirty-two and single.  Then the girls tell Tierra that even her parents warned her that she can't get along with women and she says "my parents told me I have a sparkle."  Say what?  I think what she must be really trying to say is that she owns the movie Sparkle on DVD and that her parents told her to make sure none of the girls steal it.

Honestly, guys.  I don't think I can do this sequence the appropriate justice in this recap, so let's just watch the video together, shall we?

Is that not the most amazing thing you've ever seen? Sean arrives to find Tierra crying hysterically on her cot.  She tells him about her fight with AshLee and keeps going on and on about how hard this whole thing is.  Sean tells her that he's crazy about her, then tells her he'll be right back.  I'm about have a heart attack, because I'm scared he's going to come back with a rose.  I'm literally screaming to the TV: send her home now, send her home now, send her home now, sweet Jesus.  And guess what?  He comes back and....SENDS HER HOME. Because this whole thing is so hard on her (translation per our loyal reader HV: Bitch, you crazy)  I honestly think the last time I felt this happy was when Obama was elected President.  Bryon can tell you, I was like Tom Cruise on the Oprah Winfrey Show, jumping up and down on the couch.  FINALLY.  I was pretty sure Tierra would get dumped in this episode, because the evil girls usually only last until the episode right before the hometown date...but I was still nervous. 

Tierra loses her shit when Sean sends her home.  She is one hot mess.  He shoves her in the van and as it's driving away, she says "I hope the girls got what they wanted."  But don't worry about Tierra, you guys.  She'll land on her feet.  After all, men love her.  Even though she can't control her eyebrow.

Rose ceremony time.  The girls show up at the cocktail party and they have no idea what happened to Tierra.  Sean arrives and tells them that he had an epiphany that she's not his wife.  Way to go, Sean.  Finally figured that one out.  Then he tells them there will be no rose ceremony, because he knows exactly which girl he wants to dump on her ass.  Little Orphan AshLee is freaked out because she had drama with Tierra and Sean doesn't like drama.  Give me a break, ABC.  You can't fool me.  I know my sweet precious political consultant is leaving the show.  This must confirm that Sean is a Republican, right?

The only good part about this rose ceremony is that Chris Harrison finally showed up.  Phew!  I was worried for his life.  As predicted, Joey Potter, The Orphan, China Doll get the other three roses.  Sean walks Leslie to the car and they say good bye.  Just when we thought she might leave this show without crying: she cries.  At least it was just, tears in her eyes/choked up crying and not the hysterical/I need to be institutionalized kind of cry.

The weirdest thing that happened at the end of this episode is that China Doll totally lost it over the fact that White Lesley was sent home.  I don't know if these two were BFF, but she kept saying how Lesley had the most in common with Sean-- so she doesn't understand what Sean is looking for in a woman.  I don't know either, China Doll but cool your jets.  Now I'm thinking that she doesn't like Whitey McWhiteman at all and she made up that whole suicide story to scare him off.  I think she should take a walk on the beach and sing Colors of the Wind.  It'll make her feel better about the whole thing.


  1. Catherine is half-Asian, but her dad is actually Italian. Her mom is Filipino.

    1. Thank you for solving this mystery for us!! So her dad just lived in china, but he's not chinese and her mom's not chinese. So, China doll is not a good nickname for her.

  2. in the words of elisabeth hasselbeck: I care. I CARE.