Anyway, Sean's first stop is Houston, Texas to meet Little Orphan AshLee's family. I keep forgetting that these two are both from the lone star state. It's a match made in redneck heaven. Anyway, Ash-face looks all pretty and perfect in her skinny jeans and fitted flannel. And she has the best accessory of all: an adorable yorkie. Sean meets her in a park and they have a picnic together. I'm always stunned when major pieces of information are discussed on these hometown dates that the couples didn't know about each other. Sean tells Orphanage for the first time that his father is a Reverend. And AshLee's dad is a pastor. I mean, it seems like something that would have come up by now.
Here's my overall assessment of Oliver Twist. She's lovely, really. She's very sweet and says all the right things, kind of like Sean. But she's SUPER boring. I mean, snoozefest all around. All she does is tell Sean how handsome and perfect he is all the time. From what I've noticed about Sean, he's kind of a goofy guy and I don't think Ash-face has ever cracked a joke in her life. She's totally one of those girls that is afraid to even disagree with a guy. She's already got the age thing against her (being four years older than Sean) and I just have a feeling she's going to use this whole foster home thing as an excuse for everything. Like: Sorry I slept with your best friend, but I was abandoned as a child. Also, the other thing that's really starting to bother me about Punky Brewster is that she keeps saying "this man." Did anyone else notice that? "This man is more wonderful than Jesus." Okay, maybe those weren't her exact words, but you get where I'm coming from. Can she just call him a "guy" one time?! And it just makes me really uncomfortable how often she keeps telling Sean she loves him and he just has to smile and make out with her. Personally, I think the first person that says the L word should be automatically axed, because only a clinically insane person would say they were "madly" and "deepyly" in love with someone so soon.
Anyway, AshLee takes Whitey McGodLover to meet her parents. Her dad definitely looks like the creepy pastor type with his mustache. I mean, dad with a mustache is a red flag right there. Why? I don't know. But it is. Her mom is cute and chunky and looks a little like Tyne Daly, but Sean doesn't have to worry, because Ashlee is adopted so she won't grow old to look like her mama. I'm sure that was a relief for him once he remembered it. Then, something shocking happens. They ask Ashlee what she's been up to for the past several weeks. SAY WHAT? I've been watching this show for six weeks, but they've only been filming for about 4 at this point? Maybe less? Ash-Face tells them about the polar bear plunge and she manages to make it sound like some sort of holy baptism. Then, my ice cold heart melts a little bit when AshLee's dad tells the story of how they adopted her. She was four years old and had been living in five different foster homes over the last year before she came to them. *TEARS* At this point, I want to turn off the TV and find out how I can foster ten kids or at least sponsor a child in the Dominican Republic-- but I couldn't let you guys down and not finish this recap, so the children will just have to wait. Anyway, I totally cry at this story, but then when Ash's dad says something about how he wants the guy that marries AshLee to fall in love with her the same way he did, I get a little creeped out. I mean, I know what he means, but he might be a little too attached.
Sean has private conversations with Orphan AshLee's mom and dad and he manages to woo them with every word that comes out of his mouth. But he just seems so uncomfortable when they keep telling him that they don't want Ash to get her heart broken. You can just tell he doesn't think she's the woman he's going to end up with and he needs to pretend in front of the parents that he's "crazy about her." Um, he was crazy about Tierra too. (PS I really missed Scarface from this episode.) Also, I just feel really strongly that if even though the show wants to keep the suspense going, they should not make Sean ask the dads/moms for their blessing to ask their daughters to marry him. I just think this is an important moment for any parent and it sucks to have it happen for the first time with some guy you've just met on a reality TV show who is just pretending he might decide in a week to propose to your daughter. Oh. I almost forgot, Sean totally asks Ash's dad about letting her get married at seventeen! Her dad basically implies that the only reason he signed off on it was that he was scared she'd run away and never come back. Anyway, this hometown date was relatively uneventful. Sean and Ash say goodbye and she makes out with him and tells him she loves him and he does the old smile and nod.
Now, off to Seattle, Washington! I feel so much better getting out of Texas and you know Sean does too. His face lights up around Pocahantas. It literally makes it seem like he was in a coma when he was hanging out with Orphanage head. Catherine looks gorgeous as always and I'll admit, she and Sean are super cute together. She balances out his whiteness perfectly. He tells her that he's already in love with Seattle-- which makes me like him all the more. He might be a born again and he might be from Texas, but he's not afraid to branch out to a blue state. Sean and Pocahantas explore one of Seattle's fish markets and Sean gets to catch fish. Um, what is it about men catching fish that is seriously hot? This might be his best look. These two already seem way more like a couple than he and AshLee. Catherine brings out his fun side BUT I also feel like she's trying a little too hard. Like...i think she watched 500 Days of Summer the night before and she's trying to be as quirky and goofy and free-spirited as Zooey D in that movie. The only thing we don't know about Catherine is if she's as big of a bible thumper as Sean... That could be the deal breaker for her at the end.
Anyway, mea culpa-- but I was totally wrong last week about Catherine being half-Chinese. Thank you to one of our readers for setting us straight. Catherine's mom is Filipino and her dad is Italian. He lives in China, but he's not Chinese. Mystery solved! I find it super cute when she has to give Sean a lesson on how to greet her grandmother. It reminds me of when the H Bomb met my Muslim grandma and I had to tell him not to be offended if she didn't touch him.
Sean and Catherine arrive at her house and holy crap: her sisters are gorgeous. This is where I call the adoption agency and tell them I will only be fostering kids that are half Italian, half Filipino. I mean, I would not be surprised if by the end of this episode, Sean runs away with one of Pocahantas's sisters. I found Sean to be really charming with Catherine's family. Maybe because there's nothing more adorable than hot white guys trying to learn about a different culture. He even makes egg rolls with Filipino Princess's mom. (side note: I could have gone without him doing push-ups in front of them while Catherine sat on his back. Um, why don't they just bone in front of her family and show them how good Sean is at sex?) BUT things aren't as perfect as they seem. Catherine has a heart to heart with her older sisters who basically remind her that she went on the show just for shits and giggles and it's weird that now she could be getting engaged to this guy. And then they pretty much tell Sean that he's just another notch in Catherine's belt and that she's always dating guys and then getting bored with them. (Notice how no one was worried about Catherine getting hurt? This is not the kind of girl that gets dumped.)
We also learn that-- are you ready for this-- Catherine has career goals.
She never mentioned anything about career goals to Sean. The nerve! I'd like to think that this is in reference to graphic design, but I'm pretty sure it's code for "back off McWhitey, our sister wants to be the next Bachelorette."
Sean asks Catherine's mom for her blessing to marry her daughter and she looks at him like he's an insane person and tells him they'll cross that bridge if and when they get there. Good Answer Queen of the Phillipines! By the end of the evening, Sean and the most gorgeous girl in the world are left a bit uneasy, but ABC is not fooling me. There is no way he's not going to get this hot piece of ass in a fantasy suite.
OMG you guys: Am I in love with Catherine?
Next stop on the hometown express is some military base in some state called Arkansas. Sean arrives to meet Lindsay and is it just me or has she never looked better? Yeah, she's wearing a shit-ton of make up, but she looks super cute. This is considered Lindsay's hometown, but we learn that she's only actually lived here for six months right before she left home or something. They walk around the town (so, basically they walk down one street of stores) and try to make it sound like living on a military base would not be the worst thing ever. Lindsay takes Sean to her favorite cupcake store and he asks her how he should address her dad-- because he's a two-star general. Um, who cares. It's not like he's a three or four or five or six star general. Settle down, people. Anyway, before Linds takes him to meet her family, there's kind of an adorable sequence where she pretends to be a Drill Sargent and she gives Sean a hard time about having three other girlfriends. I actually find Lindsay very endearing in a lot of ways. She might actually be the most suitable girl for Sean. Yes, she seems like a ditz, but she's really funny and I don't feel like she's trying to be funny and goofy the way Catherine is. BUT, Lindsay is also young. She's only twenty-four. That's eight years younger than Little Orphan AshLee. Sure, Linds could meet her husband at 24 and get engaged to him a few years later, but this is The Bachelor. They're going to get engaged in like two days.
Lindsay takes Sean home and congrats to her mom, because she wins the cutest mom award. This has to win Lindsay some bonus points. She'll still be hot in thirty years. Lindsay's two star general papa does look a little scary, but the person I'd be really worried about is Lindsay's brother. Is it just me or does he seem a bit off? He's probably just an awkward teenager, but he might also fall somewhere on the Autism Spectrum. I'm not trying to be mean you guys, really. But there's never been any mention of Lindsay having a special needs sibling, so I'm just confused. Did anyone else get that vibe?
Lindsay's mom asks Sean flat out if he's in love with Lindsay and he says that he's not at liberty to answer that. She takes that to mean he doesn't know yet, but I think he literally isn't allowed to say anything like that because ABC won't let him. Vague is always the way to go on The Bachelor. I actually ended up really liking Lindsay's dad. I found him less scary than AshLee's pastor dad and I think it's super cray that he was a paratrooper. When Sean asks him if he would give him his blessing to propose to Lindsay, he says that's the most difficult question he's ever been asked. He gives some super long convoluted military metaphor for marriage (which is actually strangely beautiful) and then makes Sean do push ups while he sits on his back. Okay, that last part didn't happen. The date ends with Two Star General giving Sean some army tags. I feel like if Sean marries Lindsay it's only fair that he enlists in the military for a couple years. Side note: for some reason, it fills my heart with love when Sean gives Lindsay's brother a big good bye hug. Sean: Never change.
Finally. The last hometown date. Los Angeles, California. Home of the STD ridden Bachelor house. Desiree lays it on thick with Sean from the get go when she executes the run and jump into his arms. I give it a 9.5. I love how we still get a lame sequence of Desi (AKA Joey Potter) showing Sean the city of LA, when he's spent a shitload of time here already. She takes him hiking (Um, yeah. Runyon Canyon. Been there, done that, uploaded the pictures on Facebook.) Desi is actually really pretty. She pulls off bangs and she doesn't have to wear a lot of make up to look hot. She looks just like Katie Holmes, except she doesn't have a high maintenance six year old daughter following her around all the time. She's every man's dream. And apparently...she lives in her own house?
Not sure how she managed that, but her place is really cute. Sean and her prep dinner for her folks and all of a sudden...there's a knock at the door. It's Desi's "ex-boyfriend" and he wants her back. Okay, I think the second we saw this in the preview for the season, we all knew this was fake. Initially, I thought the show was creating some fake drama, but once Sean Punk'd Desi on their first one on one date, I realized this would be her getting him back. No offense to the actor that plays the ex-boyfriend, but WTF casting directors?! This is LA. There are tons and tons of out of work actors. That was the best you could do? The guy was terrible. Sean tries to pretend like he falls for the whole thing, but I'm pretty sure he knew exactly what was happening. This could have actually been a funny bit if the actor they hired was convincing. They totally should have done a cross over with an actual ABC actor and Katie Holmes look alike could have pretended her ex was some famous B list celebrity. Why am I not a producer on this show?
Anyway, Desi's family shows up and for the first five minutes they're there, I'm convinced they are actors too. Her mom kind of looks like the lady in that Catfish movie. Her brother looks like he's about ready to audition for Cape Fear. He's got tattoos everywhere and he's got a lot of thug in him. The only person that makes sense in association with Desi is her dad who's got a cute little twinkle in his eye and just seems like the nicest guy ever (but still sort of weird and awkward). We get one scene of Desi gushing about Sean to her mom, and don't get me wrong, her mom is really sweet and everything, but it doesn't feel like they're actually mother and daughter. It feels more like the nerdy girl in high school is hanging out with the popular girl.
I know instantly that Desi won't be getting a rose this episode when ABC doesn't even bother showing the scene of Sean and Desi's dad having a heart to heart. And as the evening goes on, things look worse and worse for our Joey Potter impersonator.
Honestly, I'm kind of surprised that Desi never warned Sean about her brother Nathan. You can just tell he's one of those troubled kids that's caused a lot of drama for the family through the years and everyone walks on egg shells around him. I'm serious, they're kind of afraid of him. When he tells Desi he doesn't think Sean is legit, I almost think at one point he's going to try to kiss her. I don't understand what is happening here.
That said, Nathan is my new hero and I really really really think he should be the next bachelor. He sums up the whole show when he says: This is like stupid almost. And when he takes Sean aside, he basically uses his male intuition to say: you're totally not into my sister. Sean tells him he's crazy about Des and Nathan says: I'm bet you're crazy about a lot of girls. Sweet little Sean is actually getting angry, which just makes him more attractive. I really want them to fight, but that doesn't happen. Instead, things get really awkward at the dinner table and Sean leaves. And Katie Holmes gets really mad at her brother.
You know what, let's just roll tape. It's long, but it's worth it:
Rose ceremony time! There you are, Chris Harrison! I've missed you for the last two hours. Sean tells Chris he has no idea which girl he's going to send home tonight (oooooh, really? Because I will bet ten million dollars it's going to be Desiree.) Sean actually says that Desiree's parents were the nicest of all the parents. Oooh, two star general is totally going to go Full Metal Jacket on his ass. This might be one of my favorite scenes in this entire episode, because Harrison looks so freaking bored. He's just like "uh-huh" over and over again. It's like when you're talking to that girlfriend who talks about the same guy over and over again and you have to pretend like you're still interested by the whole thing. I'm just waiting for Chris Harrison to snap one of these days and just say "are you even going to ask me what's going on in my life?!"
It's time for Sean to hand out the roses, but before he starts, Joey Potter asks if she can talk to him. She takes him aside and tells him that she's really sorry that her brother is scary and could very possibly be a convicted rapist. Sean tells her not to sweat it. Joey cries. I really think Sean should just be honest with her and send her home now, but he makes her go through the whole rose ceremony. AND when there's only one rose left and Catherine and Desi are waiting to see which one of them gets it, he dramatically exits the room to go ponder the framed photos of the girls. Apparently, God was dealing with the crisis in Syria, because he did not have time to give Sean clarity about which girl to choose tonight.
Sean finally returns to the ceremony and SURPRISE, SURPRISE he sends Desiree home. First of all, if I was Pocahantas, I'd be pissed. He's that iffy on sniffing her vagina in the fantasy suite next week? He walks Desiree to the limo and I have to give her props, because she keeps telling Sean over and over again that he's making the biggest mistake ever. The thing that's so weird for me about girls that go on The Bachelor is how they always end up saying: I just want to make someone happy. Seriously? Maybe I'm selfish, but my motivation for being in a relationship was never to find someone to make happy. How about: I just want to get laid on the regular. Or I just want someone to go to brunch with. Or: I just want someone to plan my birthday parties for me.
Anyway, Sean is so mortified by the fact that he kept Tierra around for so long and ABC is so desperate to fill an hour of programming, so they added aSean Tells All special this week. We'll be sharing the highlights from that tomorrow. Until then, here's proof that Sean does have a sense of humor:
Whatever you do, don't take a drink after every time I say I'm crazy about someone. You won't make it out alive.
— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) February 19, 2013