Wednesday, February 27, 2013

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 9

The fantasy suite episode opens with Sean trimming his pubes and waxing his chest in preparation for losing his virginity to three different girls.  Okay, that's a lie.  All that stuff happened off camera.  The show kicks off with Sean in Thailand reciting lines from the script that ABC provides for every bachelor and bachelorette at this point in the season.  You know, lines like "I have such strong feelings for all three of these women."  But Sean likes to add his own touch when he says "I'm freaking crazy about all of them."

Thank God.  I thought he was just crazy about them, but now that I know he's FREAKING crazy about all of them, I have even more faith that he will find his wife at the end of this journey.

We get a little recap of Sean and all three girls beginning with Catherine.  Sean says the spark between them is undeniable and they are both weird and nerdy and goofy.  I hate when ultra-attractive people go on and on about how nerdy they are.  What the hell are you trying to prove, people?  This is not an episode of Freaks & Geeks, it's The Bachelor.  Stop trying to be gorgeous and nerdy.  Oh, Sean also mentions that he and Catherine's "morals and values are both in sync."  Translation: she's hot for Jesus.

You know what's weird?  Sean is SUPER religious.  Like born-again religious, but the show really has to dance around the whole religion talk.  We hear a lot of words like morals and values and spirituality, blah blah blah.  But if Sean could just let it rip, I'm pretty sure 75% of what he would be talking about with these girls is their relationships with God.  Weird. 

At one point, there's a clip of Sean kissing Catherine and he has snot coming out of his nose.  Just thought you should all know that.

Then we get our AshLee recap and Sean calls it the strongest relationship he has.  He never has to guess how she's feeling.  Why?  Because all this girl does is tell him how much she loves him.  I'm not sure what made her fall in love with Sean considering all they ever talk about is how she thinks they have a soul connection and that he's so amazing and blah blah blah.  The guy can't even get a word in.  Personally, I think AshLee just likes the sound of her own voice a little too much.

Last but not least, there's Lindsay.  At first Sean thought Lindsay was cray cray for showing up the first day in a wedding dress, but he gave her a chance and now he's totally into her.  He says that Lindsay seems like she's never had a bad day.  You men are so darn predictable.  All you really want in this world is a woman that's NEVER in a bad mood?  Am I right?  He also says that he and Lindsay are spiritually the same.  No, that does not mean they're both really into astrology.  It means they think the rest of us that don't believe in a Christian God are going straight to hell.  Whatevs.  I'll be down there having a blast with Chris Harrison.

Then we get a terrible shot of Sean walking along the beach in a light blue tank top he has no business wearing.  And then a couple shots of him swimming in a pool, contemplating his undying love for three very different women.   Seriously, being The Bachelor is harder than being the President.

Lindsay gets the first date in this episode, which means she gets the most virigin peen of all.   I've decided that she's the one I'm rooting for all the way (which means she won't win, because I've consistently always like the first runner-up better than the winner on every season of this show).  Even though she's only twenty-four and has no business getting engaged and even though I'm not entirely positive she can form a sentence, she seems the most real to me of the three women.  I don't feel like she's trying to be anything she's not.  And I don't feel like she's trying too hard.  Plus, I really like her skirt during her date with Sean.  Also: I know this is cheesy and I can't even believe I'm saying it, but she got my dream date in this episode.  Her date was SO awesome compared to the other girls.  I don't even remember what Sean and Pocahantas did on their date.

Anyway, she and Sean go to some Thailand flea market and she says that this is a long way from Missouri.  Oops.  Why did I think she lived in Arkansas?  This market looks pretty awesome, but I'm also worried if they eat here, they could spend the entirety of their fantasy date with massive diarrhea. But maybe that's a good thing, because shit gets real in a relationship when there's shit involved.  In fact, that's the true test.  The show should give all three girls the runs and whoever Sean is most inclined to nurse back to health is the woman he should end up with.  They can call it the Fantasy Poo episode.

Back to the date.  Sean wants to see if Lindsay is adventurous, because that's what he wants in a wife, so he makes her eat a bug and she does it even though she really doesn't want to.  (Side note: i hate adventurous guys.  It's like, can't we just stay in and watch Pitch Perfect On Demand instead of going hang gliding?)

After the market, they head to the beach and get to feed a bunch of adorable monkeys!  I loved this.   Sean actually seems really into Lindsay.  You can judge how he feels about a woman depending on how red he gets in front of her.  I really like this whole monkey thing, but I'm also afraid that Sean is going to get bit and bring some crazy Contagian Outbreak Virus to the United States and it's going to be airborne and we're all going to DIE!  Chris Harrison, we can't lose you!

Then, Sean and Ditzy have dinner in this really gorgeous lit up park type place.  I'm not sure why Lindsay is wearing an outfit straight out of Donna Martin's closet circa 1993, but I'm willing to go with it.   Just when Lindsay is about to finally tell Sean she loves him, a bunch of awesome Thai dancers come out and do a super cool dance.  Even though Lindsay seems like a total airhead, I love that she thanks the dancers after and that she seems open to other cultures.  That probably comes from being an army brat.  Could you guys imagine Tierra the Terrible on this date?  She would probably pretend that one of the Thai dancers put a spell on her and would cry all about it to Sean and then tell him this whole process is really hard for her.  I really miss her. 

Anyway.  Sean gives Lindsay the fantasy suite date card, courtesy of Chris Harrison.  It is SO weird that Harrison writes these cards.  But then that gets me thinking that the letter Sean gets in the finale episode is really a long letter from Harrison confessing his love.  OMG, you guys.  How awesome would it be if at the end of all this Chris and Sean got together.  Probably won't happen, because I'm not sure where Harrison stands on the whole G-O-D thing, but maybe Sean can open his eyes to all that.  Another reason I love Lindsay is that she didn't make some big dramatic holier than thou "i'm not that kind of girl" speech about the fantasy suite date.  Plus, Sean makes it pretty clear that all he wants to do is have time to talk away from the cameras (and time to read bible passages together.)  Lindsay goes to the fantasy suite with him and tells him she loves him.  Sean says: I love hearing you say that, which is way better than him saying: I'm crazy about you.  I may or may not have slapped my hand over my heart when all of this happened.

AshLee gets the next date which instantly makes me think she's going home in this episode.  She's the middle date.  Everyone knows when you go on a job interview you either want to be the first or last person they meet, but not the person that blends in with all the middle candidates.  She's toast.  But then she shows up in those cut offs and those crazy amazing legs and I think maybe she still has a chance at this.  I'm not sure why she's dressed like it's 1986, but maybe this is some theme episode and all the girls have to dress like they're from different decades and ABC forgot to tell us that.  She actually refers to Sean as the love of her life in this episode.  Yikes.  This girl is going to be HEARTBROKEN.

Orphan Ashface and Sean take a boat to a place called Emerald Cave.  We learn they have to swim through it to end up on a private island.  AshLee is all kinds of freaked out, because she's a giant pussy.  Just kidding.  She's freaked out because she has control issues (which in hindsight is probably not something you should advertise to a guy you've just started "dating").  Caves are scary, but they also have an entire camera crew with them so I think they'll survive.  But this does kind of reminds me of the movie Prometheus, so it would be really hot if some alien worm got into AshLee's eye and she turned gooey.  Spoiler alert: that doesn't happen.  Orphan head makes some annoying analogy about how this cave is just like love and life and blah blah.  Damn, I really wish I was on the show so I could say how the cave is like my vagina and this is all a metaphor for Sean's virginity. 

Luckily, Sean and AshLee make it to the other side of the cave and hang out in their bathing suits.  AshLee looks a little trashy in her two piece and her fake boobs, but she's still a super model.  She says stuff like there's no doubt in her mind that she loves THIS MAN.  And then I'm not really sure what else happened, because she's super boring and I lost interest. 

Dinner date time.  AshLee makes it clear in an interview that she's not willing to morally put herself out there in a fantasy suite if he's doing the same thing with other people.  Holy crap.  Is she a born again virgin too?  Ash tells Sean that she understands the fantasy suite date is not about boning for him, but about having time to get to know each other off camera.  So, she's cool with it.  I'm so confused.  Is this lost footage from the 50s?  Are people still really that conservative?  I also love how vague they need to be about the whole sex thing.  "morally put myself out there"?  Why can't you just say, I'm not gonna fuck you.

It doesn't really matter, because the most amazing thing ever happens on the fantasy suite date with AshLee and I'm really hoping it sealed her fate.  You guys are not going to believe this shit.  And if you didn't think this was weird, then you need to change your personality completely.  She tells Sean what kind of engagement ring she wants.  We're talking cushion cut (which I had to google), diamonds around the band, and a size six and a half.  And she wasn't joking.  She probably wrote it down for him on a post it the next day.  Oh...SO that's why she's still single.  Because she's terrible.  I can't tell you how tacky I think this shit is.  First of all, she's seen this show.  She knows Neil Lane is going to show up with his little briefcase filled with diamond engagement rings and she wants Sean to get it right.  Ugh.  Please dump her right then and there.

I will leave you with this AshLee quote: I love THIS MAN and THIS MAN has literally healed my broken heart.  Um...not so fast.

Time for Pocahantas to show up and toss her hair and flaunt her freckles and talk about how nerdy she is.   Guys, last week I thought I was falling in love with Catherine and this week, I kind of hate her.  Yes, I'm jealous of her gorgeousness, but she rubbed me the wrong way in this episode.  Did anyone else feel the same?

I'll take you through the reasons.  She and Sean get on a boat for their date and she says "I'm the Queen of the World."  But GUYS, she's never seen Titanic!  I have it on good authority.  She really was just saying that she's the queen of the world, because she believes it.  Okay, not really.  But seriously, quoting Titanic?  Boo.

Also, is there something annoying about the way she talks?  It's sort of like Miley Cyrus, right?  Here's what really bothers me about Catherine.  I don't believe that she's into Sean at all.  Frankly, all the talk about how beefy he is needs to stop.  He's not just a piece of meat!  I also feel like she's one of those girls that's never been rejected or dumped in her life and this "journey" is going to be no different.  Plus,  every time she's on screen she's actually auditioning to be on The Bachelorette.   On the boat, she tells Sean how she got made fun of a lot as a kid (I don't feel sorry for you, get over it, you're hot now).  She also tells him she was really pissed off at her sisters and that she doesn't talk to them about how she wants to settle down, she talks to her married best friend about that stuff.  She totes implies that her sisters are jealous of her, because she's younger and prettier than them and she has a pretty good shot of being The Bachelorette.

Here's why Catherine is going to get the final rose.  A guy like Sean wants to believe that a girl like Catherine could be in love with him (See Ben F and Model Courtney) and that's why he'll end up picking her, even though one of the other girls is really a better choice.  I'm just sayin', if he picks Pocahantas, she will dump him for sure in three to six months.  Move to Dallas?  Um.  I don't think so.  Also, Sean fully slips her the tongue when they make out (Arie would be so proud) and I think that means he loves her more than the other two girls.  Plus, he's like super red around her and he picked her for the last date.  Saved the best for last.  I know that Vanessa Williams song.  You know what other Vanessa Williams song I know?  Colors of the Wind from the movie Pocahantas.  Conspiracy?  I think so.

Catherine has a similar reaction to AshLee about the whole fantasy suite date thing.  She wants to make it clear that she's not that kind of girl.  These bitches are making me feel like a slut.  And why do they have to be so self righteous about the whole thing?

Dear Catherine and AshLee,

You think it's morally wrong to sleep with Sean so soon.  Good for you.  More power to you.  But you know what I think?  I think it's morally wrong to get engaged to a guy after four dates with him on TV.  You can think you're morally superior but YOU'RE ON THE BACHELOR.  Get over yourself.

Love Saaara

Sorry.  I had to get that off my chest.  Okay, here's the other thing about Catherine now that I'm on a roll.  I think it's cool that she doesn't say I love you to Sean (she actually says: I really like you a lot-- which is the normal way to go, but under these circumstances, I was like "oh no she didn't!") But the reason she refuses to  say the L word it is pretty hot.  Because in Catherine's world-- a guy has to tell her he loves her FIRST.  She was probably horrified when she watched the episode of AshFace getting on the chair and screaming about how much she loves Sean.  What kind of self-respecting hot girl would do that?  Then, in the fantasy suite, Pocahantas and Sean make out in a swimming pool and later they have anal sex, because that totally doesn't count as regular sex.

CUT TO: Chris Harrison in the Bachelor house.  What's Harrison doing in LA?  He needs to be in Thailand!  Wait a second, did he just make an analogy between The Bachelor and Oz?  Like Sean and his three ladies are the same as the wizard and the three witches?  Say what?  I cannot believe they are making this man do commercials for them now.  Harrison, you're better than that. FAST FORWARD.

Time for the rose ceremony.  Sean shows up and tells Chris Harrison that he knows exactly who he's cutting loose.  (It has to be AshLee, right? But what if it's Lindsay.  NO!)  He tells Chris that he knows he's going to seriously break this girl's heart and she's going to be devastated, blah blah.  Phew, it's totally AshLee.  Harrison tells him all the girls have made private video messages for him.  I hate these.  What is this, a court room and these are their closing statements?  (don't laugh too hard at that one guys.)  It becomes even more obvious that Sean is going to give AshFace the boot cause he gets really still and sad when she can't get through her private message, because she keeps crying.  Loser.  Total loser.  Sorry, but come on.  Did I mention she told him exactly what kind of ring she wanted?!? Side note: Catherine said in her video that Sean gave her the WIGGLES.  Um, The Wiggles are a children's music band.  How did I go from loving this girl to hating her in the matter of one episode?

The ladies arrive to find out if Sean loves them back and Lindsay proves to be my favorite even more, because her boobs aren't falling out of her dress.  Again, I'm all for people believing what they want to believe but I get really frustrated when they talk about morals and not being that kind of girl, then wear a dress where their giant fake boobs are completely hanging out.  Did you see AshLee's outfit???  There's some serious hypocrisy there. Side note: Catherine looked like she had her first orgasm last night.

The women act like instead of getting roses, they are going to get a bullet to the head.  I'm serious.  They all look like they're going to faint or vomit.  Lindsay even says "holy shit."  Sean hands out the first rose and Lindsay gets it!  Yay!  Too bad she's going to have her heart broken next week.  You could totally tell that Ashface and Pocahantas were shocked she got a rose.  They were sure she would be sent home next.  Now it's totally confirmed that Sean is giving the orphan the boot.  After promising her parents he wouldn't break her heart.  He lied!  Pocahantas gets the rose.  AshLee looks PISSED.  Like, I'm kind of scared for everyone there.  She might shoot fire out of her eyes and set them all on fire.  She's stunned.  She doesn't say good bye to the girls and when Sean walks her out, she doesn't even want him near her.  He stops her from getting into the car so he can give her an explanation-- which is basically: in the beginning, I thought you were the one, but I ended up getting closer with the other two women.  AshLee doesn't say a word to him and leaves.

Here's the deal, boys.  Try being totally honest for once.  What if instead he said: you're super hot, but really intense and a little cuckoo and too touchy feely and you TOLD ME WHAT KIND OF RING TO GET YOU.  In Craze-lee's defense, we have no idea what went down in the fantasy suite after the camera crew left.  Maybe she stuck her finger in his butt.  Maybe he told her he was madly in love with her.  Whatever he did-- he did not give her the impression he was sending her home.  And when she leaves in the car, she says something very pointed about how this wasn't a game to her and she wasn't just here to have fun (Read: Pocahantas just came on this show for shits and giggles and to be on TV and now she's going to walk away with my cushion cut, diamond encrusted engagement ring.)

I cannot wait for the Women Tell All Special.  And for the finale in two weeks.  I LOVE that Sean's mom balls her eyes  out to him, begging him not to propose to anyone.  Hold up.  Did she write Sean the letter??

WHO WROTE THE LETTER?!  I can't wait another two weeks to find out!  No one spoil it for me. Is it KCB?  Is it Tierra's forehead scar?  Who could it be!

1 comment:

  1. When I saw Ashlee's face I was truly scared. Shit. Got. Real. That letter is totally from Tierra telling him she's pregnant with their love child.