Thursday, February 21, 2013

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Sean Tells All

To my knowledge, this is the first time ABC has devoted an entire hour to the Bachelor telling his side of the story. Usually we get an interview with him in the Women Tell All special, but since Sean is the second coming of Christ and will probably be President someday, he gets another sixty minutes in primetime.

I would just like to say that I think it should be required that after every break up, Chris Harrison comes to your house and interviews you for an hour. Think how much closure the person you dumped would get if you just explained why you broke up with them. Except-- wait a minute-- Sean is completely vague about everything! He keeps saying that "ultimately, she wasn't going to be my wife." BUT WHY?

The first thing I would like to say about this special is this: the bachelor house is SO UGLY. Why can't they remodel it? Those bright yellow walls, those gross ornate velvet curtains, the ugly fire places. I can't handle it anymore. I think my eyes have herpes from looking at it.

Sean and Chris Harrison kick things off with a few of the cliches every bachelor and bachelorette say every season. Starting with: I had no idea I would have such strong feelings for three women.

After Us Weekly called Sean the "virgin bachelor" Chris Harrison keeps bringing up the upcoming fantasy suite episode as "intimate dates." (side note: I said I got a virgin vibe from Sean on Emily's season. Called it!) The fantasy suite is basically the time in the journey where the contestant gets to have sex with three girls, three nights in a row. I love that they don't reserve the fantasy suite date for the top two finalists. Better to increase your odds that one of the three girls can give a decent BJ. By the end of the episode, Sean says that he's using the fantasy suite as an opportunity to hang out with the girls off camera (can you imagine proposing to someone when 90% of the time you've spent together is on-camera? Put a camera in front of my face and I'm going to be my nicest, prettiest, best self. Anyway, Harrison keeps pushing Sean on the whole "intimacy" thing and how people want to basically want to know if he sticks his penis in anything, and in Sean-like fashion he gives the best answer ever: it's really none of your business. SO, I'm going to take that to mean he at least got a hand job.

So, here are some of the other highlights from the interview.

Sean on Des's brother: Des had warned him that her brother had gotten into some trouble in his youth (Called it again!). Sean wanted to hit him, because nothing makes him more angry than someone questioning his character. I can't believe Sean has a violent streak! The craziest part is that apparently Des's brother was the first family member Sean talked to and they had a great conversation and then randomly, the brother pulled him aside and ripped him a new one after that. So, clearly, Des's brother has multiple personality disorder. Or the more likely explanation is that Chris Harrison is secretly in love with Des. He broke in, tackled Des's brother, hid him in the closet, drank some mysterious green fluid from a test tube that made him look exactly like the brother, and sabotaged Sean and Des's relationship! You heard it here first: Des's brother was really Harrison!

Sean keeps saying that Des was not his wife, but doesn't explain what she was missing. He finally admits that if her brother wasn't such a fucking asshole, he may not have dumped her.

Sean on One Arm Sarah: it's not that she's missing an arm, it's that she's a cold fish terrible passion-less kisser and that's what sealed her fate. Sean says it broke his heart to watch the footage of Sarah after he dumped her, and then just to add salt in the wound, he says she'll find someone that loves her. Um, that's exactly what she said everyone keeps saying to her! I think Sarah has a decent shot of being the next bachelorette if ABC gives her some lessons on how to have a personality.

Sean on Selma the Muslim: He said she thought she was going to be the one after their one on one date. Things get a little weird when Harrison keeps telling him they had a ton of sexual chemistry. They talk about how Sean dumped Selma the night she finally committed a sin by kissing him on camera. Sean explains this decision by saying: Selma probably wasn't going to be my wife. DUH! But why?? I wish he could just be honest and say-- it turned out she was super annoying, spoiled, and high maintenance. And btw, I'm a born again CHRISTIAN.

Sean on Lesley M: Sean says if she had told him she loved him on their one on one date, it could have been a game changer and he would have met her family. Ugh. Way to lay it all on her. I feel like us ladies can't win though. It's like-- if you tell a guy you love him, then you seem kind of crazy and intense-- but if you don't, you're still going to get dumped? Should we all be more open about our feelings? As if I wasn't bummed out enough that Sean gave Lesley the boot, they show a really funny scene of them talking dirty while feeding each other brownies. Sean actually says something like: "you know daddy likes his brownies." sigh. These two were perfect for each other. (Although I hate when a guy does the whole talk dirty thing and then when you join in, they suddenly freak out and say you took things too far and make you feel all stupid. That's never happened to me, but if it did, I'd be really upset.)

Sean on Tierra (Finally!): Honestly, the show should have devoted an entire hour to Tierra. We find out that the fight she had with all the girls (you know the one where she says she's a Scorpio and has a stinger?) actually lasted for hours. Um, where can I watch all of this? I'm annoyed, because Sean is way too diplomatic about Scarface. He basically says that he was duped and that she should have never come on the show, because she doesn't get along with women. He and Harrison both swear that the show was not forcing him to keep her around, etc. The biggest dig that Sean gets in is that he wishes he kept Jackie on the two on one date instead of Tierra. BURN! I feel like Sean needed to admit a little more what a big idiot he was. Think of all those times he gave her roses when she threw a temper tantrum. Or at least even admit that he should have never given her the first rose based on her looks alone. How shallow can you be? Ugh, I just know that Tierra won't show her busted face at the Women Tell All Special. Although she has no self awareness so may be she will decide to show up and flaunt her engagement ring.

The special ends with a few scenes that never made it on the show. Mainly, Catherine trying to be all crazy and fun and quirky by getting inside the tire of the snow bus to prove she's very flexible. And Lindsay and Sean crowd surfing at the "concert" they went to in White Fish. But nothing with Sean and Little Orphan Ashlee, because she is so boring and doesn't know how to loosen up. We see some clips from the finale and a scene where Chris Harrison gives Sean what may be a "Dear John" letter. I'm going to call bull shit on this and say that it's a letter from a former contestant making one last plead or wishing him luck. If it is one of the girls peacing out on him, my money is on Pocahantas. Or maybe it's a letter Des's brother wrote him from prison telling him to watch his back.

Now, seriously: what was up with the shower scene during the end credits? I half expected Chris Harrison to climb in with him and for the show to turn into a gay porno. I mean, yes. Sean is attractive, but he's not THAT hot. The sad part is, you know some overweight middle-aged woman from some small town in Texas watched that sequence on repeat, while masturbating. That's what ABC has turned you into Sean.

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