Monday, February 11, 2013

the top ten things you can learn from The Bachelor

We've recapped several seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette on this blog and even though watching the show week after week has made our IQ drop, it's also been a kind of microcosm for dating at its worst.  Without fail on every season of The Bachelor, there's a bitchy female contestant that keeps getting roses.  It could either be because the producers know she's great TV and the bachelor is forced to keep her around OR he really can't see through her bull shit.  I'm worried it's the latter most of the time.  Which means A LOT of you guys might be dating girls that are secretly evil.  We are here to help you.  Here are the top ten signs (inspired by the women of The Bachelor) that your current girlfriend is bad news bears.

10.  She's really into fairy tales.  She wants love to be a fairy tale.  She makes references to feeling like a princess.  She actually calls you her Prince Charming or her knight in shining armor.  Look, normal women are not obsessed with fairytales.  Women who are obsessed with fairy tales are usually also obsessed with Disneyland and that's also weird (unless they are eight years old, in which case you should NOT be dating them). 

9.  She tells you she's falling in love with you after three dates.  Whoa there.  SLOOOOOW down, crazy horse.  Sure, that might be flattering.  Who doesn't want everyone to fall in love with them in two weeks.  Some of us just have that effect on people.  But if she really fell in love with you that fast and told you that then she's either A. crazy or B. lying.  I'm not saying it's impossible to fall in love that quickly, I'm just saying a rational person would keep it to themselves for at least three months.

8.  She always steals you away from people.  Like, you're at a party and you're talking to someone and all of a sudden there she is saying: can I steal you away?  NO.  Settle down, woman.  You are allowed to talk to other people for ten minutes.

7.  She tells you you're everything she's wanted in a man.  Um, no pressure.  First of all, I don't care if you're Ryan effing Gosling, there's no way you are everything she wants in a man.  This is a double whammy red flag.  First, it means that she will inevitably be disappointed, because you are flawed and probably fart a lot and I'm pretty sure that's not on her list of things she wants in a man.  Second, when a girl says things like that-- it means she's put a lot of thought into what she wants in a man.  She probably has a list somewhere.  And it's probably long.

6.  She uses words like "soul mate" or says things like "we have a connection" or "I love love." First of all, everyone loves love.  Like, who's ever gonna say: "my parents love me, my dog loves me, my friends love me, I love them all back and ugh, I seriously hate love so much"?  Exactly.  No one.  This is the kind of girl that always lays it on too thick.  This is the kind of girl that will embarrass you on your Facebook wall.  This is the kind of girl that will want to stare deep into your eyes the whole time you are ejaculating inside of her.

5.  She tells you she doesn't like "drama."  Women-- myself included-- have our dramatic moments.  We can't avoid them.  If we are on our periods and we're drinking wine and another girl gives us a backhanded compliment: WATCH THE FUCK OUT.  But...that's kind of our dirty little secret.  If a girl actually says "I hate drama" then I'm telling you now, she is the most dramatic person you will ever date in your life.  She will probably yell at your parents...for no reason. 

4.  She cries.  Like a lot.  Ask the H bomb, he'll tell you he saw me cry at least four times last week (once was while we were watching Beasts of the Southern Wild so that does not count) BUT I'm pretty sure I waited at least six to eight months before I cried in front of him.  Okay, five months.  But the point is, that was five months where he thought I was totally sane and cool.  If a girl cries in front of you during the first three months you're dating and the tears are dating related (like it's not b/c her cat died or she got fired) then Houston, we have a problem.  (I don't care if that's a dated reference, I'm bringing it back.  That's right, Justin Timberlake-- I'm bringing dated references back.)

3. She sings you a song.  That she wrote.  About you.  And you've only been dating for two weeks.  And she can't even play guitar.  No.  Nuh-uh.  Abort.  Abort.  Abort.

2. She would do anything for you.  I know it might seem like a turn on at first, but it's going to get very boring and predictable after awhile.  And chances are, if she climbs every mountain you want to climb because-- if you love the outdoors then she loves the outdoors--, one of these days she might fall off that moutain and suddenly you'll find yourself dating a paraplegic. 

1.  Every girl in the world hates her.  But that's okay, because girls are just jealous of her.  NO!  Women are VERY good judges of character.  If 3+ girls hate the person you're dating it's because she's the devil.  And the other thing about us ladies?  We are actually very verbal about the women we're jealous of.  Beyonce: totally jealous of her.  Lindsay Lohan: not so jealous.  But which one do you think runs around saying women don't like her because they're jealous?  Exactly.  The crazy freaky one no one is actually jealous of.  I'm telling you, dudes-- if ALL your female friends hate you're girlfriend...break up with her.  There are no exceptions to this rule.  None.  Zilch.  Nada. 

Sean Lowe, if you're reading this...find the nearest time machine, go back in time and do not give Tierra a rose tonight! 


  1. Good call on the paraplegic line.

  2. "This is the kind of girl that will want to stare deep into your eyes the whole time you are ejaculating inside of her."

    you can't just throw that ou like that, how am I supposed to contain my laughter