Thursday, February 7, 2013

the "you bring out the best in me" BLOW OFF

I dated this guy in my early twenties that I used to do nice things for all the time.  I really liked him at the time and it seemed natural to go out of my way to make him happy.  It wasn't like I bought him a car, it was more of a series of small gestures.  I wasn't my usual testy/irritable self with him and I thought--- wow.  He totally brings out the best in me.

And then sometimes, with the H bomb-- when we fight and it gets a little ugly or I'm extra bitchy around him, I think: holy shit.  Do we bring out the worst in each other?

I started feeling bad about that and then I had an epiphany.  The relationship I have with him is the most authentic relationship I've had with any guy I've been with.  It's not that we bring out the worst in each other at all.  It's that we are comfortable and secure enough to be our true selves around each other: for better or worse.  When I was the Queen of Nice in that old relationship, it actually wasn't that I really liked that guy-- it was that I wanted him to really like me.  I wanted to be this perfect version of myself that didn't exist.  I hid my dark side and I also hid my dorky/goofy side, because I thought he'd reject me if he saw either.  It turns out, he totally brought out the fake in me.

So, unfortunately for my life partner, I love him so much that I'm totally willing to share my dark side.  But he's also seen me at my best.  My most emotional.  My most frustrated.  My most hot.  My most ugly (seriously, I looked like Richard Nixon after I got my wisdom teeth pulled).  And that's what we're all looking for in relationships, right?  Someone we can be comfortable enough to be shitty around or wonderful around and they'll accept both versions of us.  Maybe the relationships we should be re-examining are actually the ones where we're being perfect and sweet to each other all the time.

(Note: none of this applies if by bringing out the worst in each other, you're beating each other up.  I'm talking to you, Rihanna and Chris Brown).


  1. Um can we talk about how this weekend makes 3 years since their whole incident and how she went to his probation hearing w/ him yesterday? I like her music and I would like his if every time I heard it I didn't think about what a monster he is. How are they both still thriving in their careers. Do people really not care? Or just don't remember the pictures of her the police took after he beat the shit out of her?

    But how is their rekindled relationship not getting more attention? I haven't even seen an article from a women's group using her as an example of how women return to their abusers. I don't understand how this is being swept under the rug for the most part. While I'm Jewish, I find it easier to forgive Mel Gibson for his anti-semitic drunken diatribe. First off he didn't physically assault anyone. And I mean, he did call the female police officer Sugar Tits. How can you not forgive someone who has the term Sugar Tits in their vocabulary?

    OK, my apologies for turning this into a whole Chris Brown/Rihanna rant.

  2. Four year since he beat her up! Can you believe it? Time flies. It's weird to think of Chris Brown pre-domestic violence, because he had such a squeaky clean image. It's so true that they are back together and no one is really saying how disturbing the whole thing is. I feel guilty, because I like both their music (I never pay for his, but am guilty of listening on the radio)but I'm so appalled that they are back together and that it has not impacted their careers at all. I was really disappointed when Oprah interviewed her and was so casual about the fact that Rihanna said she was still in love with CB. Oprah did two shows devoted to domestic violence after the whole thing happened and just smiled her way through that interview. I think we are due for a blog post on this issue.

  3. That's one of the only times I've been upset with Oprah