Monday, March 11, 2013

Ken, the comedian: a true story.

To be read to the tune of “Obsessed” by Mariah Carey

My friends and I got tickets to see a show at The Comedy Store I didn’t go with the intentions of meeting a guy. I simply went to see some good comedy. Naturally, I met a guy, because it always happens when you least expect it.

Ken was standing outside looking all sexy-like. He reminded me of Smith from “Sex and the City,” if that gives you an idea. He was very flirty and told me he’d be performing, so to definitely check him out. I’m one step ahead of you my friend, I thought to myself.

Throughout the show, I looked out for him and finally, I saw him. He bought my three friends and I drinks, and the next thing I knew we were making out in the green room. Then came time for him to perform and he was funny, talented, and informed the audience that he had claimed me. I was like a fire hydrant, he was a dog and he pissed on me to mark his territory. I’m not just saying that, those were his exact words, but it actually sounded cute and charming at the time.

At the end of the night, he wanted to say a proper goodbye, even though he was double parked and announced to my posse and I that he wanted to take me to dinner. What a gentleman, I thought. There was one MAJOR warning sign, though. Ken informed me he was “in between cell phones.” He gave me his office land line and email address. Since I don’t call boys (unless I’m wasted), I emailed him my number so that he could call me. And oh did he call me.

The next day I woke up to find two missed calls from him and three emails. One email had the heading, “Ken is thinking about you,” and he included a picture of himself. Shirtless. Not gonna lie, he looked good, but who does that?

The next time he called, I answered and Ken proceeded to tell me his life story. He told me all about his history in soft-core porn and modeling, but that he decided to go into comedy because he didn’t want to depend on his “physicality.” Oh, and he was also a former, drug addict.

I decided it was time to do some Facebook stalking. I mean, research. This wasn’t very hard given that I had his full name and email address. So you can imagine my surprise to discover that Ken had a girlfriend. And four children. With three different, baby mommas. And they had names like Luna Blue and Autumn Rain. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

In the course of 48 hours, I received about six calls and five emails from Ken. It was time to put a stop to the madness. I responded to one of his emails with the following:

Hi Ken,

I looked you up on Facebook and it seems like you have a lot going on. This is all a bit much for me and I think we should just chalk our meeting up to a fun night and not make plans to see each other again. I wish you all the best.

Ken responded with two emails and a voicemail. The first email said he didn’t want to chalk anything up, he wanted to see me again. The second said I looked familiar and he wondered if I had ever done any porn.

Just in case you’re wondering, the answer to that question is no.

The voicemail went a little something like this. “Hey Sammi, I know you think you may have looked me up on Facebook whatever that means, but we need to talk for real. I’m a rich man and I have rich taste. You’re a beautiful girl and I can’t get you out of my head. I can also give you some business tips so give me a call back.”

If I’m being totally honest, I was torn between being appalled, terrified (I’ve seen many Lifetime movies), and flattered. I’ve never had a stalker before! But mostly, I was appalled and terrified. I didn’t respond and Ken gave up fairly quickly. I guess he found another girl to impregnate.

What I learned from Ken:

1. Researching a guy immediately is a good idea. You may find out some important information, such as he has a girlfriend and children.

2. If you are hitting on other girls and you have a girlfriend and children, you might want to consider setting your profile to private. I’m just sayin.

3. If a guy tells you he is in between cell phones, run for the hills.

What I REALLY learned from Ken:

Yup, that pretty much sums it up.

To read more of Sammi's writing, buy her eBook here!


  1. Side note: Ken recently got engaged to his girlfriend/most recent baby mamma. I'm sure they will be really happy

  2. what is wrong with that girl?? You seriously dodged a bullet with this guy!

  3. Sadly I feel like in LA this is more the norm than a fluke encounter with a terrible guy.