Monday, March 18, 2013

My Fake Facebook Boyfriend

After one particularly bad heartbreak, I became desperate for knowledge.  I wanted to know how to get him back, so I went on Google and typed in “how to get him back.” There was healthy
advice such as “don’t talk to him for at least a month so he can miss you.” There was also some not so healthy advice like “create a fake Facebook boyfriend to make him jealous.”

While this may not be the sanest course of action, I thought it was a fantastic idea. I could create the perfect guy to make “he who we do not speak of” jealous. The first step in creating a fake Facebook boyfriend is to find a picture. As tempting as it was to find a hard bodied model, it needed to be realistic. Pretty sure if my fake boyfriend’s picture was that of a topless Ian Somerhalder, people might have suspected something.

When I was dating “he who we do not speak of,” I was going through my emo phase. I was highly attracted to guyliner, tattoos, basically a straight Adam Lambert would have been my ideal. I still wouldn’t mind finding a straight Adam Lambert lookalike or Adam Lambert himself, should he choose to swing my way for even just one night. That is not important, what is important however, is that I had mentioned this to HIM and he always seemed insecure about the fact that he possessed none of these superficial qualities. My fake boyfriend definitely needed to be an emo hottie.

I typed “hot emo guy” into Google images and the second I saw “Jake” I knew. It was love at first sight. He certainly looked like someone you could know in real life. The main problem was that he was looking down in his picture so it would have been obvious if I photo shopped his head into pictures with me doing various activities like scuba diving, bowling, etc. So I made Jake’s profile super private (which I highly recommend doing anyway) so that you could only see the one picture unless you were friends with him.

When choosing a name for your fake boyfriend, it’s easy to think “I’ve always wanted a boyfriend named “Fabio Banderas Jr.” Again, needs to be realistic. I chose the name Jake Schuster, because I could totally know someone named Jake Schuster.  Next, Jake needed some friends. I friended a plethora of random people (many oddly accepted) and then decided I was going to have to let a few trusted friends in on my secret. There were a couple of reasons for this:

When I changed my relationship status to “In a relationship with Jake Schuster” I was pretty sure my family and friends were gonna ask questions.  I needed people to comment on his wall, “like” his posts to me, mention him in their posts, etc. He needed to feel like a true member of the Facebook community and well, an actual person.  I texted one of my good friends the following: You are either going to think this is amazing or commit me. (She happens to be a psychologist.) Fortunately, she thought it was amazing and this gave me the courage to confide in a few other trusted souls. Even my friends whose initial reaction was “jump off this crazy train!” eventually came on board. They just couldn’t resist Jake’s charm, and boy, was Jake charming.

The great thing about having a fake Facebook boyfriend is he always says the perfect thing.  Jake posted on my wall saying he wanted to read my screenplay.  It’s very important to me that any guy I date is interested in my writing, because it’s a huge part of me.  Whenever I posted a new picture, Jake always said I looked beautiful. He was extremely thoughtful asking how my day at work was, posting meaningful song lyrics, and saying he couldn’t wait to see me that weekend. The crazy thing is that even though I was technically talking to myself, I felt a surge of excitement every time a notification popped up saying I had a new comment from Jake Schuster. I mean, I just knew it was going to brighten my day. A particularly dear friend even asked for Jake’s password so she could post messages to me from him on occasion. This way it would be a surprise!

“He who we do not speak of” never mentioned Jake or acknowledged his “existence.” If he ever felt even a smidgen of jealousy, I certainly don’t know about it. Other people noticed him though, and made sure to congratulate me on my hot new guy. So while I didn’t get HIM back, I had fun with Jake. He proved to be a welcome distraction and in a weird way, he even gave me back a sense of confidence that I had lost. It’s always nice to hear that you are beautiful and wonderful, even if it’s YOU reminding yourself that you are.

So do I recommend creating a fake Facebook boyfriend? Well, let’s just say I wouldn’t tell you not to. Sure, it’s pretty nutty, but who is it hurting? Quite honestly, Jake is still one of my Facebook friends and he pops up from time to time when I’m in a need of a little ego boost. Feel free to friend him on Facebook and he will be happy to give you one as well.

Don't forget to check out Sammi's book for more of her writing!


  1. Why stop at a boyfriend? I'm going to make an entire fake Facebook family. A super supportive mom who is like my best friend. A younger sister to harass and give advice to. A dad that will live forever and never get old. Some more cousins because the ones I already have are awesome so more must be better. And the cool thing is that they will all constantly tell me how lucky they are to have me in their lives.

  2. fake Jake is adorable! Just friended him :) I agree that while this concept might be weird to some, it seems like a strangely healthy way to help get over a breakup.

  3. Haha i love both of these comments

  4. Can we all take turns borrowing Jake? Asking for a friend... ;)

  5. I'm still waiting for Jake to accept my friend request.

  6. Jake has plenty of love to go around and he told me to tell everyone sorry for the delay but friendships have been accepted. He will be more active on facebook moving forward

  7. This is possibly my favorite thing ever.

  8. just sent jake a friend request..