Wednesday, March 13, 2013

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Season Finale!

Last week I said The Bachelor was the best show on television and now I think it's just cruel.  I really hope they have a team of therapists and a support group of formerly dumped contestants standing by to help the girl that doesn't get the final rose, otherwise someone is going to kill themselves one of these days.

The finale kicks off with Sean's adorable family hanging out with him in Thailand. What's not to love about this family (aside from his sister's affinity for neon). His parents are maybe the nicest people in the world and his niece and nephew need to have starring roles on a sitcom, stat. His little nephew actually says "Emily didn't pick you." Too freaking cute.

Catherine is the first person to meet the family. I was already 100% sure she'd be getting the final rose going into this episode, but this just seems to confirm it even more. I would think you'd want the girl that you love the most to meet your parents first. She arrives looking gorgeous and tan as usual. (I would like to let the record show that my brother and husband who were watching with me said she's not as attractive as I think she is. But clearly, they have no taste.)

They have lunch with Pocahantas and for some reason they are seated all facing the same direction, like this is the last supper or something. Is this just the way religious people have all their meals? Totally kidding, I know it's a production thing, but it still looks really awkward. Catherine gets alone time with both Sean's parents and they both conduct the meet and greet like a job interview. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm crushing hard on Sean's dad. He's the cutest! And what he says to Catherine about loving her like his own daughter just melts my heart. Especially since her own dad is all kinds of crazy. Pocahantas tells Sean's dad that she's consumed by Sean. Kind of a weird thing to say, but okay. At this point, I will be stunned if Lindsay wins.

The following day, it's Lindsay's turn to meet Sean's family. Although, I'm pretty sure this is all the same day and they all just changed clothes.  Lindsay shows up looking cute and adorable, minus that trashy foot tattoo. Once again, Sean's dad blows my socks off when he says that he and his wife have been praying for Sean's wife everyday. Yes, I know-- that should be fucking weird and creepy, but for some reason when it comes out of Jay's mouth (yeah, we're on a first name basis) it's the most amazing thing I've ever heard. Lindsay does a good job by dropping the "prayer" word and I think she manages to win his parents over. The biggest problem with Lindsay is that she seems a little mentally handicapped and I mean that in the nicest way possible. There's just not a whole lot of depth with her. But she gets really emotional around his parents. That's the thing with Linds. I think she's actually in love with Sean, whereas with Pocahantas, I feel like she just wants to win to rub it in her sisters faces.

After Lindsay leaves, Sean's mom gives him the best advice ever which is: DON'T PROPOSE TO ANYONE YOU FUCKING IDIOT. Well, those weren't her words exactly, but probably only because you can't say the F word on TV. This makes me wonder if there's some sort of added incentive for The Bachelor to propose. Seriously. Maybe he gets paid a little extra if he gets down on one knee OR maybe ABC won't pay for their wedding unless they get engaged on the show. Otherwise, everyone would just end it with "I really like you, let's see where this goes" instead of a proposal. During this sequence, it's also revealed that Sean's family spent a total of twenty minutes with each girl. Say What?

Lindsay gets the first date with Sean which is another bad sign. Wouldn't you want to end the experience with the girl you're choosing? Plus, Sean is wearing the world's ugliest neon blue tank top, which I'm guessing he borrowed from his sister. Let's be real. He would not be caught dead wearing this shit with Catherine. I'm sure this is his subtle way of trying to turn Lindsay off. Lindsay and Sean take a boat ride and play with each others hands and flirt. At this point, I start to get a little confused, because Sean does seem super into her. And if he's not, then the way he's acting is sick and wrong.

Later that night, Sean meets Lindsay in her hotel room and things look even bleaker for Lindsay when he tells her "she looks cute." Oh no he didn't! So far, it seems like they have two things in common: they are both goofy and they love GOD. Lindsay surprises Sean with these lanterns (which I think we've now seen in every season of The Bachelor and Bachelorette). She has the words Love, Happiness, and Family written on them (possibly, because those are the only words she knows how to spell.) They light the lanterns and watch them float off into the sky.

Let me break this down for you. Sean is doing all this with Lindsay when the person he's really in love with is Catherine. If anyone actually believes that he didn't know who he was going to pick until his last date with Lindsay, you need to get your head checked. Guys. That's total bullshit. He probably knew he was going to pick Catherine like six episodes ago. I hate all the fake indecision on the show and I realize that's what keeps the suspense going, but it's really stupid. So, even though Sean is a man of God and he's all perfect and blah blah blah...he's also going straight to hell for lying to all of us. After I finish venting about all of this to my husband, he says: What if I told you three days before I proposed to you, it was always between you and another girl. HILARIOUS.

Sean has his next date with Catherine and things continue to look worse for Lindsay. For starters, he's not wearing a neon tank top that makes him look like he frequents The Abbey in West Hollywood. Second of all, they get to ride an elephant! Her date is way more awesome than Lindsay's. I know I should be rooting for Catherine-- after all, she is a minority and they do seem into each other-- there's just something about her I'm not buying. All that giggling and hair tossing seems disingenuous to me. Sean is madly in love with her and I just get the feeling that she's madly in love with the elephant.

Honestly, Catherine has played this whole thing perfectly.  We could all learn a thing or two from her.  She's been fun and goofy. She's smart (we all know she's good at multiplying). She has a sob story, which makes Sean want to be her protector. She's the perfect amount of guarded which only reels a guy in more. She's kept her crazy under wraps. If all that wasn't enough, she also loved to sit on him while he did push ups. If that's not a way to stroke his ego, I don't know what is.

On their nighttime date, Sean shows up to Catherine's room and the date is pretty uneventful. In fact, ABC doesn't even bother to show us what gift she got Sean, because it was probably a coupon book to his local 99 Cent store. What we do see at the end is Catherine breaking her #1 rule of not saying I love you to a guy first, by telling Sean she loves him. And that's when we see the real Catherine. (Guys, why do I hate this girl so much?) She says that she told Sean she loved him and she got NOTHING in return. She literally chases after him and cries. And then she cries in her bed. And then she gives a pissy interview about the whole thing. Hmmmm...mental illness does run in her family. Here's what I think: this is a girl that's used to getting what she wants and doesn't cope well when things don't pan out. Also, she mentions that the reason she doesn't like to say "I love you" first is because it's messed up her relationships in the past. Shit! She's a total I Love You slut! She's like the Filipino Taylor Swift! She literally says she's "desperate for love." These chicks need to get a hobby.

The big day has finally arrived! We get shots of Sean contemplating his future with his shirt off. Then, we get to see him trim his pubes. Just kidding, that happened off camera once again. I LOVE how the show always makes it seem like he just woke up that morning and had an epiphany on who he should spend the rest of his life with. He's actually in tears, because he's so excited to propose. That's because he's suffered through weeks of pretending to be into other girls.

The best part about this whole thing is that when Neil Lane arrives to show him rings...Sean totally picks the exact ring Little Orphan AshLee said she wanted! Remember? Cushion cut, diamonds around the band? Sean better watch out. AshLee is going to put a curse on him and his future children. A curse that stops them from ever being goofy again.

Here's the big question of the night. Who the hell was in charge of doing wardrobe for these girls?! It's like they both raided Sharon Stone's closet from the movie Casino. The dresses are both the same material except Lindsay is wearing silver and Catherine is wearing gold. (Get it? Silver = second place.) Lindsay is super ultra-confident that Sean is going to propose to her and that confirms what I've known all along-- girlfriend is about to get kicked in the heart.

Two side notes before we get to the final rose. ABC: stop with the segments of Chris Harrison talking to members of the After the Final Rose audience. I cannot deal with all these middle-aged women in hot pink button downs. This was just a big fat fast forward for me and you guys know how much I love Harrison. Second side note: how much is Emily Maynard kicking herself in the ass right now? Sean Lowe is probably the most popular bachelor the show has had in recent years. He could have been her husband. He could have been Little Ricky's dad. I really hope Little Ricky doesn't get wind of this, because she will probably pay her older twelve year old boyfriend to kill her mom.

Back to the final rose. The first car shows up and it's....Lindsay. HUGE SURPRISE! Poor girl. Not only is she about to get dumped, but she's about to get dumped wearing a super unflattering silver atrocity. Here's why this show is horrible. Sean starts out giving her a long ass speech about how wonderful she is and THEN he dumps her. Why not just open with: I'm really sorry, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but you're not the one. Army brat nearly handles it like a champ until she says: Is it me? Sadness! and seriously, the answer to that question is: OBVIOUSLY. Overall, I like Lindsay's reaction though. It's the perfect combination of sad, confused, angry, and go fuck yourself. And I loved when she took her high heels off. Side note: I'm pretty sure I wore those same exact shoes at my wedding and they are torture devices.

Lindsay gets sent off to cry in the town car without getting any good bye head from Chris Harrison. Not cool, ABC.

And that's when Sean finally gets the letter we've been teased with all season. No, it's not from Des's brother. It's not from KCB. It's not from Tierra's scar. It's not from his mom. And it's not from One Arm Sarah's phantom arm. It's from Pocahantas. And it's a freaking love letter. SO dumb. It's weird, even though I'm married, over the top happy couples still make me want to vomit out of my nostrils. Catherine shows up in her gold catastrophe and Sean tells her all these wonderful things about her and finally says he loves her and then gets down on one knee. Catherine looks like she's about to throw up. I'm not sure if it's from the shock of him choosing her or from the shock of knowing she's not going to get to be The Bachelorette. On one hand, I'm happy for these crazy kids, but on the other hand, I know they are in for a rude awakening. And by rude awakening, I mean Catherine is going to dump Sean in a year when she gets bored and he's going to come crawling back to Lindsay-- after she's spent a year studying really hard to be smart.

The show ends with Whitey McWhiteman and Racially Ambiguous Pocahantas riding off into the sunset on an elephant. Even though five minutes earlier he broke little Lindsay's heart in a million pieces. It's okay. She's only twenty-four. She'll bounce back after a season of the Bachelor Pad.

After the Final Rose Time! I'll keep this brief. First Harrison introduces Sean who is super excited to finally be out in public with his goofy bride-to-be. Then, Lindsay comes out to face him and she looks HOT. Love the dress. She handles herself like a pro (watch and learn Firestarter, AKA AshLee) by telling Sean that she's happy for him. That's right! Kill him with kindness. But she still manages to grill him about why he dumped her and when things changed. He lies and say it was the night of their last date. He also tells her that God revealed things to him. Nice one, Sean. Play the GOD card. What about the fact that God probably revealed to Lindsay that she and Sean were meant to be together? Was God just fucking with them all this time instead of dealing with important matters like AIDS in Africa?

After we get Lindsay out of the way, Catherine comes out wearing a prom dress from 1997. Here's what we find out. Even though Sean says they are both low key people...they are going to get married on ABC. OMG. Of course they are! Because that's what God intended. And guys, I'm calling it now-- if these two do get married, it's going to happen soon. They are born again virgins after all. The sooner they get hitched, the sooner Sean can slip his peen in Catherine's hot pocket. I know I shouldn't hate on Catherine. I know I should be proud of Sean for branching out and not ending up with a blonde hair blue-eyed girl. And for picking someone with a nose ring. I know they probably really bonded off-camera over their favorite bible passages and Lindsay probs doesn't know how to read. But, I think the reason Catherine bothers me so much is that she's just not that into Sean. I totally buy that he loves her. He cries when they run the footage of them getting engaged. Catherine just sits there and giggles and says she could see herself with Sean when she saw him all white from the snow in Canada and realized he'd make a hot old man someday.  Plus,  I feel bad for Catherine's sisters, because you know she's going to be even more annoying to be around now.

Final thought on why these two won't last: it was just announced today that Sean has been added to the cast of Dancing with the Stars. Raise your hands if you think Catherine is the kind of girl that likes to sit on the sidelines and watch her man be the center of attention. Now, if you've raised your hand: slap yourself with it.

Okay, hold the presses.  I just saw Sean's updated twitter background and I might just be completely won over.  Sigh.  They are so goofy!  Wait.  I went on Catherine's twitter/instagram and she posted a picture of her engagement ring.  I hate her again.

Here's the other big revelation of the Final Rose: Desiree is going to be the next bachelorette! I was certain it was going to be One Arm! Personally, I think ABC made the right choice. Even though Lindsay or Leslie would have been more fun, Desi is pretty and good on camera and looks exactly like Katie Holmes. I mean, every time she and Sean were together, it seemed like she was the bachelorette and he was the contestant, remember? Plus, I'll give anything to see her brother on television again. Hopefully, he will not be in maximum security by the time they start taping the show.

What did you guys think of the finale? Did Sean make the right decision? Will he and Catherine last forever? And is Desiree the best choice for the next Bachelorette? Comment below!


  1. My favorite was when Sean was tearing up on ATFR Chris Harrison called him a ball bag. A+ for your unscripted TV, Chris... A+.

  2. OMG. Ball bag is my new favorite term.