Wednesday, March 6, 2013

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Women Tell All!

I would like to let the record show that the Women Tell All Special on Monday was all the proof we need: The Bachelor is the best show currently on television.  And sure, maybe that's because Friday Night Lights and The Wire are no longer on the air.  Or Mad Men and Breaking Bad are still on hiatus.  Or that The Good Wife sucks this season.  But those details are not important.  The Bachelor is my reason for living.

There are two things I love most about The Women Tell All special.  The first: all those chicks that still show up even though they got cut during the first or second episode.  I love how some of them even show up with all these opinions (Yeah, Ghetto Fabulous Crystal, I'm talking to you.)  I mean, they may as well just put ME on the freaking panel.

Second, I love how all of the contestants change their look for the show (I mean, it's been only a few months since the show ended and they all have to show up with new hairstyles).  Little Orphan AshLee got her tips dyed blonde.  Robyn got a power lesbian haircut.  Taryn made her best effort to look five years younger by darkening her hair, but instead looked old enough to be Sean's mother.  And Tierra--- well, Tierra shocked us all by somehow getting the jiz scar on her forehead removed.  But more on her later.

First, we get to watch a sequence of Sean and Chris Harrison surprising a bunch of Bachelor fans as they watch the show.  Mostly junior high school kids.  On one hand, there's something strange and creepy about this.  On the other hand, I'm pretty upset that Sean and *the host with the most* didn't walk through my door to surprise me and my puppy.  Oh well.  At first, I get a kick out of this whole thing, but then Sean takes his shirt off in a room full of sorority girls and then I have to roll my eyes and projectile vomit all over the television.  (Maybe little orphan AshFace wasn't that far off when she called him a frat boy?  Oh just wait.  I will get to her.)

I don't really remember the order of things on the show, because I didn't take fastidious notes like I normally do, but let's just go with the highlights.

#1 One Arm Sarah: She's sweet and she looked really pretty and I'm about 90% sure she's going to be our next Bachelorette BUT she's SO boring.  I mean, you can't really blame her.  It would be kind of odd for her to be some out of control, loud-mouth, party girl with a missing arm.  I'm not sure why.  It just would be.  Of course she needs to be adorable and sweet and pleasant at all times.  And although I give ABC credit for potentially choosing a Bachelorette with a disability-- it bothers me.  Why do we always need a bachelorette with some sort of sob story?  Why can't we just get a girl that's funny and outgoing and doesn't mispronounce perfect "perfackt?"  I just think that if you get dumped in the finale, your consolation prize should be twenty-five guys fawning over you.  Lindsay deserves that!

#2 Desiree: In case you were wondering, she's still really pretty and still looks like she could be related to Katie Holmes.  She admits that her brother probably sabotaged her relationship with Sean.  I will be shocked if anyone tells me that Chris Harrison didn't immediately try to stick his head up her dress the second the Women Tell All was over.  Was it just me or did he seem extra into her?  The most fascinating thing about Sean "facing the women" was that it really gives you perspective on how little he knows any of them.  Even with Des.  Didn't it just feel like they were acquaintances?  Two people that had one class in college together sophomore year?  Sean implies that he had a harder time getting to know her than the other girls (AKA he knew she was not that into him.)  It's really too bad it didn't work out between these two, because we all know Sean is going to be President someday and Des would have made a really pretty and stylish first lady.

#3 TIERRA!!!!  I have to say, I was a little disappointed by the whole Tierra thing.  First of all, the Tell All should have devoted ten segments to her.  Hell, ABC should have devoted their entire week of primetime programming to her.  But also, I kind of hate how every season, the bitch girl gets sequestered back stage and then sits next to Chris Harrison for two segments and then is sent on her way.  Make that whore sit with the rest of the girls for the whole two hours (or ten hours, which is how long it takes to tape this show).  And how come she didn't have to face Sean?  He was not held accountable for the Tierra thing at all in this episode.  Tierra clearly needs to take a course in public relations, because she basically just says how wonderful and pleasant and nice she is and how the girls were all really mean to her.  Then she claims that she never said anything bad about any of the girls.  Uh. I'm pretty sure she called them bitches and said she wanted to kick their asses.  I'm also frustrated by the other ladies, because with the exception of AshLee, they don't really make enough good points about what a bitch Tierra was.  All we ever hear is that they always said hi to her and she gave them dirty looks and walked away (which, side note: is kind of psycho.)

Wait.  Stop the presses.  Did you guys know Tierra was Little Miss Nevada or some shit?  Guys, that's where she got her sparkle!  Mystery solved!

By the end of her segment, Tierra swallows her pride a tiny bit and says that she should have been nicer to the rest of the girls, blah blah.  We still get no explanation of her disappearing scar.  But we do get to see her engagement ring, which is clearly FAKE.  First of all, it's ugly.  But a rock that big would have cost her fiance at least a couple hundred grand.  The engagement is 100% a hoax.  Also, it sounds like she basically got engaged two weeks after she got home.  I don't know why but I feel like her future husband is a little fat and has a soul patch.  Can anyone find a picture of him?

#4 AshLee.  I really could not have predicted that AshLee would steal the spotlight completely from Tierra during the Women Tell All.  Seeing her confront Sean was by far the highlight of this entire episode.  Here's how it all went down.  First, AshLee (who looked smoking hot in a high class call girl kind of way) sat down with Harrison.  She told him how devastated she was when Sean dumped her and she had no idea what to say to him when he sent her home.  Chris asks her if she's still in love with Sean and she says no (You go, girl!).  Then she claims that when Sean was with her he acted like a southern gentleman and when he was with the other girls he acted like a frat boy. 

In case you are wondering, here is the problem with AshLee.  She has absolutely no sense of humor.  Maybe it's because she had a hard knock life.  Maybe it's because she had to deal with Mrs. Hannigan's bullshit for so long.  Maybe it's because her parents are holy rollers.  Either way, she has a very strange definition of frat boy.  Sean was fun and goofy around Catherine and Lindsay and he didn't have an opportunity to be that way with AshFace, because all she did was say shit like "this man has planted a rose inside my torn up vagina and created a garden."

Anyway, Chris brings Sean out and when AshLee asks him what happened, he basically explains to her that she's way too intense and doesn't know how to have a good time.  My words, not his.  I wish he could be more straight forward about it, but he just says that he wants a home with a lot of laughter in it (*swoon*) and he didn't see himself having that home with AshLee.  Translation: you don't laugh at my jokes.  I actually don't think Sean's sense of humor comes out enough on the show, but read his Twitter feed.  He's Hilairz. (that's short for hilarious).

AshLame keeps saying that Sean was a GENTLEMAN and she was extra upset when he didn't check up on her after he kicked her to the curb.  I have SO many questions.  How many days was she in Thailand after he dumped her?  How much time would he have had to stop by?  Sean claims that he felt like if Emily dropped in on him in Curacao it would have made things worse when he got dumped and that's why he didn't check on her.  Ashlee says: Emily was the woman.  You can't expect the woman to go chasing after the man.  But you can expect the man to go after the woman.  (I know this is super old-fashioned and 1950s but I kind of get where she's coming from).  I also call bullshit on Sean's response that he thought checking on her would only make things harder.  This would have been a good moment for him to do a mea culpa and say, you're right-- I should have made sure you were okay, but I'm a dude and all we ever want to do is avoid girls that are scary like you.

And then, things get really good.  Like unreal.  AshLee drops a bomb when she says that Sean told her on the overnight date that he had no feelings for the other two girls.  He adamantly claims he did not say that.  Then, she retracts her statement and says what he actually said was "there's nothing between us."  Sean says he didn't say that and AshLee looks completely shocked that he's denying it.  This is so juicy that we even get to watch them discuss it amongst themselves during the commercial break.  You can tell Sean is PISSED but he's keeping it together.  He says he's positive he didn't say it and AshLee is completely stunned that he's denying it.  I have to say, she plays this pretty perfectly.  Remember how twenty minutes before she shut Tierra up for implying she was a liar?  Was that just her way of buttering us up to think of her as someone that always tells the truth?  Quick, someone cast her in the movie-version of Gone Girl. Here's Sean Tweet on BachelorGate:

OMG, you guys!  He picked up on the "this man" thing too!  Here's where I stand on the whole "did he say it" or "didn't he say it."  I don't think he said it.  In fact, I think the reason he was so adamant to deny it is that contractually he's not allowed to be that straight-forward with any of the women.  BUT I do think he said other things that totally gave AshLee the impression that she had this in the bag (although, I don't think she's the best at reading people.)  Like when she told him she loved him, he said I'll tell you that everyday.  Or that he couldn't wait for her to meet his family and that his sister and her would be best friends.  Shame on you, Sean.  (I still love you.  Never change).  We also learn that she got dumped four days after their overnight date.  What happened in four days, she asks.  I'll tell you what happened!  Pocahantas (AKA Catherine) and her magical vagina came to town!

In the words of our loyal reader, Leticia: Sean "Dodged.  A.  Bullet."  She's totally right.  I have to give AshLee a little credit for being honest and not pretending that she wasn't angry or bitter, but Sean definitely walked away from the tell all thinking THANK GOD I sent her home.

Other random observations:

How do you think KCB felt about being one of those contestants who sits in the back row and says absolutely nothing during the Women Tell All?  She really should have skipped it and spent the evening twirling her baton.

Why do all the women in the audience wear hot pink?  I want to give these ladies a better life.

Was it just me or did Selma look kind of busted?

Why oh why did they have to end the show with that heart-wrenching slide show of the dog Magic that died?  I literally collapsed in a heap on my couch and sobbed until my head hurt and my eyes looked like they were going to pop out.  The really tragic part is that the poor dog probably died of something he caught in that germ-infested Bachelor house.

Okay guys, until next week when our journey with Sean Lowe comes to an end.  Lindsay: we'll get through it together.

PS WHO THE FUCK WRITES HIM THAT LETTER?!  (my first guess is still his mom.)

PPS I dedicate this video to AshLee.


  1. "This man" would never say that. Hahaha I heart him. And AshLee is lucky she's so pretty cause she crazay.

  2. Why the hell is it never addressed ever, anywhere in the world, that THIS GIRL spells her name with TWO capital letters? I mean, really.