Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Craziest BLOW OFF Email Ever

Editor's Note: I'm so excited to introduce you all to Sammi, our newest contributor.  She has a ton of great stories for all of our reading enjoyment.  I chose this one as the first, because it's SO NUTS. To read more of Sammi's writing, check out her eBook, So Many Frogs...Not Enough Prozac!
 

Girls aren’t the only ones who write and send crazy emails. Guys are just as guilty. So to give you a little back-story, Nina had been dating Dom for about six weeks. She went out of town for a wedding, but made plans to see Dom that Sunday when she returned home. Although she had shaved for the wedding only one night before, she didn’t have time to shave on Sunday before seeing him. She was going straight to his place from the out of town wedding.

The next day, Dominic sent Nina the craziest email I have ever seen in my life. They say that sometimes truth is stranger than fiction and I totally believe that, because I couldn’t make this shit up. Enjoy!

Nina:

Sometimes we do little things for others because the other person likes it that way. For example, some people do not like crust on their sandwiches so we cut the crust off for them; some people don't like regular Coke so we buy them diet coke. And some people like smooth legs so we shave our legs every day for them. Simple little things that take only a couple of minutes of extra effort and are done purely and solely to make the other person happy.

I can't explain why stubbly legs gross me out, but they do. It makes me feel like I am touching a man. Fortunately it's so easy to remedy by either shaving or by laser. I do not think of this as a physical attribute because it is not. It's simply a maintenance issue and nothing more.

I have this aunt in Michigan. I guess she has or had a hairy face because whenever she gives me a cheek kiss hello or goodbye I can feel the stubble on her face and it grosses me out.

Some people grow hair faster than others. Some guys have a five o'clock shadow by the time they get to work in the morning. These guys have to shave their face twice a day. Some women have legs that grow hair faster than others and to remain smooth they have to shave them every day. No biggie. I take a razor to my face every day for this reason and that's way worse than shaving legs.

Yes, I am particular and yes, I know what I want. I cannot find anyone who is taking your side on this matter. Absolutely everyone I talk to says either that they have never experienced this before and that their girlfriends are always smooth to the touch or the girls that I have posed this question to have said that they cannot believe that you are giving me resistance on this. They said that they would be embarrassed if they did not shave when they were spending time with their guy. I cannot imagine how you would pose this question to your friends for their input. Would you say, "Maggie, my legs are stubbly if I don't shave every day and it grosses Dom out. Do you think I should shave them each day when I shower or just keep them stubbly because it's a pain to shave them?" It's a no brainer. Who would not say, "simply shave them if he likes it."

Red flags are popping up all over the place, my dear. We do not see each other every day. I am not popping in on you without notice. All of our dates are planned in advance and still you would rather piss me off than please me. I would like to think that I am more important to shave for than shaving for a wedding. I would like to think that I am more important to shave for versus watching a taped episode of the “Jersey Shore.” Apparently you feel differently.

You said in one conversation with me that you do not cook and you do not iron and that you take it to your dad to do it. What's that about? Is there a list of other things that make you seem possibly more of a princess? Simple easy household things are beneath you or something? I do all of those things and much more with no problem. Weeding, no problem. Steaming the wrinkles out of clothes, no problem. Washing my clothes, no problem. Vacuuming my car, no problem. Washing my car, no problem. Planting flowers, no problem. Power washing my patio, no problem.

Yes I am interested in a smart, educated, young, pretty, self-sufficient woman. I am also interested in someone who is thoughtful, attentive, affectionate, and generous. In South Florida, young and pretty is very easy to find, it's all the other qualities coupled with young and pretty that is not so easy.

That is enough for now.

Sincerely,

Dominic

In case you were wondering, Nina immediately ended things with Dominic. While some people don’t enjoy crust on their sandwiches, others don’t enjoy receiving irrational and insane emails.

11 comments:

  1. This is insane! I'm so glad she immediately broke up with him. Were there any signs of his general douch-baggery or was this email out of the blue? And also, who are all these women who he claims to know that completely side with him? I mean, she shaved her legs the day before she saw him. WTF. also, when he lists all the things he does for himself, he sounds like a serial killer. I feel like in his yard there are dead bodies of women who didn't shave their legs for a couple days.

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  2. Ha she had no idea he was such a douche! They had been dating for a few months and she liked him. But I can say that I immediately looked him up on Facebook and he is looks like a metrosexual child molester. I think my favorite part of the whole thing is his aunt with the stubbly face.

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  3. *Devil's Advocate*

    What if he sent her a "this just isn't working out" email instead? Possibly leaving her dazed and confused about what went wrong. His method may be overkill & overly aggressive (or passive aggressive since he sent an email) but men are simple creatures. (Read: SIMPLE.) If he wanted her to shave her legs everyday, and if he found a sweeter way to say it, what's the harm in that?

    And yes, I'm a girl.

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    1. Here's the thing. I think everyone has their personality quirks when it comes to their significant others. I for some reason have always hated kissing someone the second after they've brushed their teeth (i know, weird right? there's something about toothpaste breath that grosses me out). So, if Dom had just said to Nina, hey-- don't take this the wrong way but i have a real problem with leg stubble, I know it's crazy and OCD, but do you mind shaving your legs before we hang out? Then, that would be understandable. My problem with this email (aside from the serial killer tone) is that he attacks her character in more ways than one. it reeks a little bit of the husband in Sleeping with the Enemy.

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  4. Whoa. That is really bizarre, controlling and narcissistic. Nina dodged a bullet with this one. Can you imagine this guy being a father? "Red flags, my dear. One simply does not poop in one's diaper once one's father has expressed his dislike of the smell. Is having immature control of your bowels due to your infancy more important than pleasing your father? I should think not. Yet, everyone agrees, you just continue to prefer to piss me off rather than please me." etc, etc. Also, this reeks of the old "homophobe with unresolved gender issues/still in the closet to himself" type. I mean, he's grossed out by being intimate with a girl who has ONE DAY of stubble because it makes him feel like he's "touching a man". Redonk.

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    1. I love everything about this comment.

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    2. ...if it could read "I am mild homophobe 'dealing' with unresolved gender issues, 'finishing up' defacating in my daiper 'because' i am offended," that would suffice.

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  5. Welcome to The Blowoff Sammi! Loved your first post.

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  6. Thank you!! I am so excited to be part of this awesome site! And hopefully everyone will check out my book too :-)

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  7. Hi. I live in South Florida and am looking for a patio power washer. I landed on this site. Can someone please put me in contact with Dominic? Thank you.

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