Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Gems You Meet at Bars

Bars are not the best places to meet your future husband. I’m not saying it can’t happen because I actually know people who it has happened to. I’m just saying it’s the exception and not the rule. Typically, guys who go to bars are looking for one thing and that thing is not a relationship. Here are some of my favorite bar guys.

Bar Guy #1: John
I met a cute lawyer who drove an escalade. We went back to his apartment and I informed him that we wouldn’t be having sex that night. We probably would have had sex in the not so distant future, but John morphed into the devil. I went to the bathroom to pee and when I came back, John was on the phone with his ex-girlfriend. The boy was determined to get laid that night. He told me he would still like to call me and I said not to bother. He insisted and I took his number to appease him because I just wanted to get the hell outta there. I entered his number in my phone as “Poo Poo Head.” The next morning, in the sober light of day, I awoke to my phone ringing and “Poo Poo Head” flashing across the screen. What the hell happened last night? I thought. Who is Poo Poo head? Then I remembered. Oh yes, it’s John. I never returned his call. I should also note that he lent me a sweater when I got cold and I donated it to hurricane victims. If you are going to dick a girl over, do not lend her an article of clothing. You will not get it back.

Bar Guy #2: Kyle
Kyle asked me to a nice dinner but then instructed me to order from the Lite Fare menu. He ordered our movie tickets in advance but only so we could be senior citizens. Finally, he made us stock up on food from 7-11 because movie food is so expensive. I get that times are tough but this was a bit ridic. I'd rather have a guy take me to In and Out and let me order anything my heart desired.

Bar Guy #3: Trey
Trey was cute, funny and had a good career so I decided to overlook the fact that he entered me in his phone as his future wife. I tried to be open when he texted me within ten minutes of leaving the bar saying he missed me. When I received two texts the next day with hearts and xoxoxo’s, I started to get a little scared and stopped responding. He decided that would be a good time to send me a picture of his…member. Note to guys: unless you are sexting or a girl specifically asks to see your little friend, it is not going to turn us on. It took him a while to realize that not responding to any of his texts meant that I actually didn’t want to talk him. I finally told him that I was a dendrophiliac which is someone who sleep with trees.

So, the moral of these stories is that you while you can meet some great people at bars, you can also meet some crazy ones. My advice is to go slow, get to know them, and definitely check them out on the internet. You might find out some useful information such as they have a girlfriend and children.

For more tips on meeting guys in bars, check out this post.


  1. Regarding Trey-- how do guys not understand that coming on way too strong is a huge turn off for girls-- the same way it is for them? I think it's the male ego, they truly believe any woman would be thrilled to be in their phone under "future wife"