Wednesday, March 27, 2013

the top ten ways to break up with a friend

I was hanging out with one of my besties over the weekend and she was complaining about having to go out to dinner with a girl she just didn't want to be friends with anymore.  The girl was what I like to call a "random friend."  You know, the people you meet through some random channel in your life, who are not friends with any of your other friends?  She had become friends with this particular girl after transferring schools and not knowing anyone in southern California.  Over time, she realized they didn't have much in common and she was only hanging out with her out of obligation.   She wanted to stop being friends with her, but didn't know how.  She tried to stop responding to her texts, but they just kept coming.  The girl was not getting the hint.

If any of you are in a similar predicament, here's what I suggest:

10.  Break up with them just like you would with a guy or girl you're dating.  I mean, JUST LIKE you would with a guy or girl you're dating.  Tell them you're not ready to be in a relationship and you don't think you guys should date anymore.  When they look at you, all shocked, like..."we're friends, we're not dating."  You say: WHAT?  I thought we were in love and we were just taking things slow.  Things will get super akward from there, when they have to explain to you that they're not into chicks and you have to pretend you love eating poontang pie.

9. When all else fails: go racist.  You have to really commit to this one.  I'm talking racial slurs.  Meet them out for dinner and forget to take your Klan hood off.  Tackle Middle-Eastern people in airport security lines.  Talk really loud to all Asian people like they don't speak English.  And regularly tell people to go back to their countries.  Especially Canadians.

8. Start hard-core flirting with their signifant others.  Lay it on thick.  And throw a couple insults their way in the process.  Example: Johnny, you are SO hot.  I bet when people see you walking down the street with Betty, they wonder how someone that looks like her snagged someone like you!" Then subtly touch his penis.

7.  If your friend is a liberal atheist: start calling Obama a Muslim/socialist/with no birth certificate, then start bitching about Obama-Care, then reference how gay marriage would totally destroy the world.  Then convert to Christianity and invite them to your baptism.  Then kick their puppy (but not hard, because you don't really want to hurt it).  Then start packing heat.  Then donate money to the tea-party. Then invite them to a Pro-Life fundraiser.  If your friend is a right wing Christian conservative: do the exact opposite of everything listed above.

6. Go Single White Female on their asses.  Or Single Black.  Or Single Asian, depending on their race.  Start dressing like them.  Talking like them.  Cut your hair like them.  Then go back and do step #9.   Then start introducing yourself by their name.  Then, ask their parents to adopt you.  Warning: if they are super into the whole "twinsie" thing, this could seriously backfire.

5. Stop showering and brushing your teeth.  Pee in your pants a little.  And openly fart out loud.  No one wants to be friends with the smelly kid.

4. Tell them you don't think Jennifer Lawrence deserved to win an Oscar for Silver Lining's Playbook (side note, she didn't.  But that's okay, we can all pretend she won for Winter's Bone).  Then go on to say that you think she's the most annoying person in the entire world.  Basically, talking shit about Jennifer Lawrence right now is the equivalent of talking shit about America right after 9/11. (Note: this will not work if the friend you are trying to get rid of is Anne Hathaway).

3.  This one is going to take the cooperation of your other friends.  Invite them (and the person you want to dump) over to your place for a get together, but make all your friends where purple robes.  Serve lots of Kool-Aid.  Keep talking about how the world is going to end in three months and how you all worship a God named Penny Loafer.  For the next three days, spam your friends inbox with emails about the cult you're in and why you think they should join it.  Sign all your emails with: in Penny Loafer We Trust.  Unless your friend is very impressionable, they will want to stop hanging out with you fo-sho.

2. Start posting super inappropriate messages on their Facebook wall and tagging all the people you reference in the post.  Here are a few winners: #1 Hey Lady, hope you had a fun weekend with the in-laws.  Do you still think your mother-in-law Mary Beth Collin is a huge cunt?  #3 Hey Lady, I saw your status still says "in a relationship."  When are you going to tell Dan Bailey his penis is the same size as an outty belly-button?  #3 Hey lady, Happy Friday!  I bet you're super happy to have a weekend off from all your co-workers.  Especially your boss Scott Mendel.   Hope he's not still sexually harassing you all the time!

1.  Tell them you're on Chris Brown's side.

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