Monday, April 15, 2013

The Best Drunk Text Messages I Have Ever Sent

I am the queen of drunk sexting.  I was watching Girls the other night and I think Charlie’s app, which charges you money every time you contact an ex, seriously needs to exist. Like yesterday. The drunk text is even worse than the drunk call because it is in writing. Forever. Your ex can show the entire world and there is nothing worse than checking your outgoing messages in the sober light of day. I’ve been convicted of way too many TUI’s and here are my faves. 

What are you doing? Do me instead.

If you would ever like sex and breakfast burrito, please give me a call.

I haven’t heard from you in a while so I’m gonna go ahead and assume you fell into an open trench. Should you ever re-emerge, I’d love to fuck you.

You’re like a unicorn. A mythical creature who sporadically pops into my life and I want to ride all night long.

This is Sammi’s DVD rentals. The movies you borrowed from me are overdue. The late fee is sex.

Since your job title is Coordinator, I was hoping you could coordinate a time for us to have sex.

It’s 3 AM would you like to go to dinner? This is code for lets fuck like rabbits.

I am not proud of these texts but the guys did all respond.  They didn’t always respond immediately but they popped up again. The good news is that if a guy really wants to get into your pants, he doesn’t care how crazy you are.  However, if you’re looking for more than sex, these messages are not going to help your case. So until a miraculous app that prevents drunk texting actually exists (or if it does please let me know about it), I’ll be needing someone to hide my phone when the drinks start to flow. 


  1. These are hilarious! Maybe the blow off should get a cell phone account that everyone can send their drunk texts too and we can tell people whether they should send them or not.

  2. i love this post and saara's above idea!

  3. Yes please Saara, that is the best idea everrr

  4. And have Jake reply and remind you that you're amazing.

  5. Haha yes! Aren't fake fb boyfriends the best?

  6. You had me at "breakfast burrito"...