Tuesday, April 23, 2013

the hurt now or hurt later BLOW OFF

Have you ever been in a relationship where you know right out of the gate that there's no way in hell things are going to work out?  Like, maybe one of you is moving to Iceland in a month or he's just WAY too old for you and never ever wants to get married or have kids.  And as much as you know it's not a good idea, you'd rather enjoy some happiness now and deal with the heartbreak later.  Just like Claire Danes character says at the very end of the Shop Girl trailer:


Sigh. Great adaptation of a great book.  But I digress.  Anyway: this is sort of like the equivalent of an emotional credit card.  You get instant gratification now (sex, affection, brunch), but you have to pay for it later.  In my twenties, I was definitely a Hurt Later kind of girl.  I'd hang on to guys that I liked, even though I knew that it was totally inevitable that at some point or another they'd kick me in the gut.  Not literally.  That would be domestic violence.  I'm talking figuratively, peeps.

Back then, I felt like I had all the time in the world, but looking back: I wish I'd filled my date cards with more worthy relationships.  All that precious time spent Hurting Later was totally not worth it.   For starters, I couldn't even be angry when everything came to an unceremonious end, because I knew all along it was bound to happen.  Second, I don't look back on any of those relationships fondly. When I think of exes, I mostly remember the awkward break-up or that feeling in the pit of my uterus when things went very wrong.  I don't generally reminisce about that amazing date we went on or that hot passionate make-out sesh that led to me feeling even more rejected when it all went to shit. 

BUT on the other hand, if I had avoided those relationships all together, I probably would have spent that time eating pirogis from Odessa, sitting on the couch, wondering why no boys wanted to date me. 

What do you guys think?  Would you get a little sumpin' sumpin' now and cry into your pillow later OR would you rather forgo short-lived happiness in order to avoid long-term heartbreak?  Comment below!

10 comments:

  1. I'm basically doing this now. In my 30's. sigh of sighs. I think that there isn't a right answer, but maybe I'm just saying that to enable myself... My wiser self says that you should clear the space in your life so that there's room for what you really want. But you know, it's a lifelong project doing what's right for yourself when it's hurty.

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    1. totally agree and sometimes the only way to move on to someone better is to let the current situation run its course-- so you never look back and think "maybe things would have worked out after all."

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  2. Up until about a year ago I was doing this. Now, I tell the guy right off the bat what I expect/want from a relationship (committed, could be a future) so see if they're even worth sticking around for. Does that make me sound crazy in the beginning?

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    1. Yes. But it works! In that it separates the men from the boys. I'm with you, anon. Decided to do the same thing with my most recent guy, and he stuck around.

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    2. I agree with Anon2, but I think the sounding crazy part is all in the delivery. If you come off bitter/accusatory/intense about it, then they might get a crazy vibe. But if it's more of a confident "i'm too good for bullshit" then I think that's actually more of a turn on for a guy. And it's so much better to have that conversation before you feel like they've forced your hand by being an aloof asshole to you.

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    3. Thanks for the affirmation! I was seeing a guy and he was aloof with me so I told him I wasn't feeling it because I need a more committed relationship from a guy. He did a complete 180, changed his 'tute and was amazing. Two weeks ago, he called to tell me he couldn't do it anymore. He wasn't ready for a serious relationship. It was a "what the eff" moment and made me wonder for a minute if it was me.

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  3. I'm 23, and doing the "not dating just to date" bit. And, as Sara said, it seems to result in a lot of girls nights and wondering why guys are idiots/all my awesome friends are single. I'm not sure if this is better, but it definitely involves a lot less body shaving.

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    1. I think a little dating just to date is a good thing in your early twenties-- only so you don't look back once you're settled down with someone and think "man, I wish I'd gotten a little more variety in the ass department." But take advantage of those girls nights too. When you are in your 30s they become much less frequent.

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  4. Off topic, but now that you live in Silver Lake you can appreciate one of the unheralded triumphs of Shopgirl the novel: its letter-perfect description, at the top of the first chapter, of how weird it is where Beverly Blvd turns into Silver Lake Blvd near Hillhurst and Temple.

    Also, it's a much better book than Jonathan Lethem's version of the same story, You Don't Love Me Yet.

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  5. I have to read it again! I lived in New York when I first read the book so it probably would take on even more meaning to me now. I haven't read You Don't Love Me Yet. Ashamed to admit, I haven't read anything by Jonathan Lethem.

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