Monday, April 8, 2013

Top Ten Bad Date BLOW OFF Tips

I hate dating. There, I said it. I'd honestly almost rather have a root canal. First dates are typically awkward and icky and I’d much rather take a bubble bath or watch The Vampire Diaries. Having said that, since I don't want to live a life filled with lean cuisines and cats, I force myself to go out on dates or as Carrie Bradshaw called them "job interviews with cocktails." I have had some perfectly pleasant first dates but I’ve also experienced some horrific ones. There was the guy who dressed up like a clown in his spare time and who could forget the guy who told me the most exciting thing he ever did in his life was to “accidentally sniff glue.” So I’ve created a list of ways to make bad dates more interesting. For you.

1.  Print out a list of talking points and check them off as you go through them. It helps if you choose a glorious font so it looks like your list was written in 18th century England. Also, the talking points have to be completely random. For example "What are your views on raisins" (I prefer a guy who hates raisins because I hate raisins). Craisins however, are fine. I enjoy a craisin now and again.

2.  Tell the guy you need to leave in order to make your the psychiatric hospital.

3.  Pretend you have multiple personalities. It helps if one of your personalities has an interesting accent. A bonus to this is that you get multiple drinks (one for each personality).

4.  Randomly act out the movie Teen Witch. In the middle of the date you must spin around counter clockwise and then change from your trench coat into a tutu. Chant things such as “Boorem Ooga Brad Power Goorem!” After treating your date to your interpretation of the infamous rap song "Top That,” it will be time to fling your magical pendant across the room and break out into a synchronized dance.

5.   Call a friend in the middle of the date and tell them everything that is happening. Like every single detail including what your date is wearing, what he ordered, how attractive he is, and what you've talked about.

6. Speak only in rhyme. This might be hard for people who are not naturally poetic but fortunately for me, I am!

7. Did you ever see When Harry Met Sally?  If not, you must immediately.  If so, you will remember that Sally took ten years to order anything in a restaurant and made it as complicated as possible. I like to make Sally look like an amateur.  It's especially fun to create your own dish and name it after yourself.

8. This may seem obvious, but mention your ex-boyfriend as often as possible and compare your date to him. For example, "My ex-boyfriend always popped his collar. It's something you should really consider."

9. Discuss the future. Nothing scares a guy more than talking about the future. Still, it's fun to see your date's reaction when you suggest that your second date be dinner with your parents, so you can discuss the possibility of impending nuptials.

10. I feel like people don't randomly burst into song enough in this world. Bad first dates are the perfect opportunity to belt out that musical number you've been holding inside. Sadly, life doesn't come with a soundtrack, which is why sometimes we have to make our own.

I think that should do it for now but feel free to come up with your own creative ideas. Dating can be stressful and annoying but it can also be magical (for you). So follow my advice and make your dating experiences much more enjoyable. You're welcome.

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  1. these tips are hilarious! And thank you for reminding me of that amazing scene from Teen Witch. And since teen witch is played by blake lively's sister, I'm just going to go with the theory that Ryan Reynolds is under some weird spell.

  2. Haha! I actually know the guy who sings the Top That rap song. I once made him re-enact it for me and it was truly one of the most magical moments of my life. Ryan Reynolds is definitely under a spell. Louise Miller is no joke.

  3. Beautiful advice. I would also like to add the date that isn't going so well and then all of the sudden your bestie "happens" to be there also and sticks around to join the two of you as a third wheel. To liven things up maybe she can be "in the middle of a crisis" or the two of you "haven't seen each other in ages."

  4. Haha good idea! I always love the sex and the city episode where Carrie calls Charlotte and is like something bad happened. And Charlotte is like oh no, something bad happened? And then peaced out.