Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Why You're Not Married Yet: You're a Liar (chapter 8)

I think I might really be ready for this book to be over, because I accidentally titled our last post (You Hate Yourself) as chapter 8.  But no.  It was only chapter 7.  Sorry about that guys, we still have three more chapters to go!  So without further adieu, the real chapter 8 from Why You're Not Married Yet.

Bitch, you're a liar.  Or okay, it's actually just called You're A Liar.

The Single Girl's Perspective (20 LA Wannabe)
McMillan’s next chapter should just be called, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.” You guessed it. Chapter 8, aka the eighth reason why you aren’t married is because you’re a liar. I’m not talking like pathological psychopath or anything. You lie to yourself. I don’t know about the rest of you but if I didn’t lie to myself throughout the day, there’s no way that I would be able to be productive. I’d be in the fetal position rocking back and forth with a bottle of vodka saying something like “I’ll never tell,” a la Brittany Murphy in “Don’t Say A Word.” R.I.P Brittany.

Back to the book. Lying, as McMillan tells us is motivated by getting what we want. Duh. That’s why lying was invented! But an authentic man, i.e. a man that we would want for a life partner will smell our lies and would never want to be with the likes of us.

We also might lie to ourselves about the types of men that we choose and make excuses for them. McMillan details these men as being inappropriate (married or too young), he’s not happening (again married or too young but she throws in a possible drug addict here.) Lord knows I’ve had my share of the “he’s not happenings.” Number three is that he’s unavailable (married or too young) and the last is that he’s just a friend aka someone you don’t want to have sex with. Ok, so if I’m clear I should steer clear of married men, men that are too young for me, and men that are drug addicts. Got it.

She says that if you are trying to be with any of the four types of men mentioned above, you are probably keeping a lot of details about him to yourself when you’re doing happy hour with your girls. So once again, you’re lying. Although I personally just see that as concealing the truth.

According to McMillan, of the two sexes, women are the liars. She says that while men sill skirt the truth, they won’t flat out lie to you. They might trick you into a friends with benefits situation but they won’t lie to you. They might act like they are committed to you without being committed to you but aren’t lying. Well I think that she has proven that women lie, because that right there is a huge LIE.

To be honest this chapter kind of gave me a headache. McMillan reiterated a lot of what she’s said about how fucking a guy and cooking him dinner won’t get him to commit to you, blah blah. And all of the lying stuff got real old, real fast. Like I said, I think we have to lie to ourselves on a daily basis a certain amount. Just like we lie when our bestie asks us if we can tell she’s gained 5lbs in the past week. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy and I think we know when our lies to ourselves our helping our hurting us. Now I’m going to lie to myself and fantasize about when Chris Pine finally asks me to be his girlfriend. See, we need lies to cope.

The Married Girl's Perspective (Saaara)
So, I was having a little Why You're Not Married fatigue, but this was maybe my favorite chapter so far.  In fact, I think McMillan should have opened the book with it.  The gist of this chapter was that us ladies have a tendency to date men we (deep down) know are wrong for us or are never going to commit, but our inner-liar convinces us that the guy will eventually come around and everything will change.  According to McMillan that very rarely happens.

So, how do yo know if you're lying to yourself?  McMillan says you know it if the version of the relationship you're relaying to your friends is not the real version of the relationship.  If you're ashamed of the problems, constantly rationalizing things, or not discussing them with others, then you're probably pretending the problems don't exist. (side note: I'm happily married and I still do this sometimes.)

This can also manifest itself in fears surrounding the "DTR" talk (define the relationship, I didn't get that from McMillan, I got that from my little brother).  Since we secretly know what the outcome will be (a break up), we just avoid it all together.  That leads to staying with a guy for way too long.  A guy that could potentially do something horrible (cheat) to force our hand into finally breaking things off.

I definitely let a few "relationships" drag on too long, because in the back of my mind, I knew that once I posed the question "where is this going"-- the guy would run the other way.  And a lot of times, I've advised my single friends to avoid the DTR talk as long as possible because it just scares guys off.  But now I feel terrible.  I kind of agree with McMillan's point that we should feel okay about telling dudes right off the bat that we are looking for something long-term and serious and if they're iffy about that, they should just go away now.  None of this "let's just see where this goes" BS.

McMillan uses an example of her friend Claire who moved in with her boyfriend Jason after three months of dating, but the whole co-habitation thing had been Claire's idea all along.  A year into living together, he cheated on her and dumped her.  But McMi (my new shorthand for McMillan, it only took me eight weeks to come up with it) claims that was a result of her friend lying to herself about the guy's readiness to commit all along.  Thus, she dragged them into this mess.  And that's because dudes have a tendency to do this thing called "date deep"-- as in, they keep you around to try out the idea of a lifelong commitment-- without really ever intending to give you one.  Most guys actually know very quickly if they are dating someone they could spend the rest of their lives with. Ugh. Guys are the worst!

Anyway, McMi's main advice is to be honest with yourself.  And to not move in with a guy before marriage-- which seems really old school to me.  I think a more reasonable suggestion would be don't rush into moving in with someone.  The H bomb and I dated for three years before we moved in together-- to be fair, I was twenty-five when we started dating (yikes, that's so young) so I did feel like I had the luxury of time.  And three years is pretty extreme.  But how about one year?  She also says not to be afraid to let go of a guy you really like.  If he does change his mind about you, he'll be back in a month or two-- and if he doesn't, well it's a good thing you stopped dating him.

Last point: As much as I liked this chapter, I still want McMi to add a section called "Fuck you dickhead" where she holds some of the men she mentions accountable for their actions.  When it comes to the guy that screwed her friend over, she lets him off the hook way too easily.  She makes it sound like Claire pointed a gun to Jason's head forcing him to move in with her.  Where is all the dude responsibility in this?  Guys, if you're reading this: moving in with a girl is not a social experiment.  Don't fucking do it unless you could 100% see yourself married to her.  Seriously, we're going to tell you clean ALL the time, it's not worth it unless you love us forever.

1 comment:

  1. "Guys, if you're reading this: moving in with a girl is not a social experiment. Don't fucking do it unless you could 100% see yourself married to her. Seriously, we're going to tell you clean ALL the time, it's not worth it unless you love us forever."

    I feel like I should have this engraved on something.