Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Why You're Not Married...Yet: You're Godless (chapter 10)

We've reached the last chapter of Tracy McMillan's book, Why You're Not Married...Yet and we both survived.  Yay, us!  So, again--- let's recap:if you're not a bitchy, shallow, slutty, crazy, selfish, lying mess who hates herself and acts like a dude...then perhaps your problem is that you're Godless.  Guilty as charged!

The Single Girl's Perspective (20 LA Wannabe)
I’m so bummed that this is our last “Why You Aren’t Married” post. The last ten weeks have been a blast and I hope that you guys have enjoyed reading them as much as Saaara and I have enjoyed reading the book and writing our posts for you. But this isn’t a breakup. It’s merely the end of a chapter.

Now, enough of the mushy stuff and let's get to our final chapter, Chapter 10: You’re Godless. When I hear the word God, I cringe. Not because I don’t believe in God or a form of God but because I feel like God and religion is always a provocative subject. Religion is a topic that will either drive you together or pull you apart faster than Lindsay Lohan can steal your watch. So upon seeing the chapter title I was immediately concerned. But instead of spouting a bunch of stuff about religion McMillan encourages spirituality. The spirit is the thing that keeps our hearts beating, aside from western medicine, and that this book is all about love and we can find love and spirituality everywhere.

She tells us that our spirit is the answer to our “single lady” problem and that when we truly love and accept people as flawed we will be closer to getting a ring on it. She continues talking about the spirit and how it has the power to transform our lives and that when will power fails that’s when we turn to our spirit. Men don’t like being a woman’s higher power because it makes them feel squeamish so we need to find that spirit within ourselves. She again goes on about being trustworthy and you become trustworthy to men when you have a spirit god (yes she actually used that phrase) that isn’t a man.

Next she talks about sources to change the pH level of your relationship. I decided to just gloss over that part for our purposes and she circles back to transformation. In her opinion, the key to transformation is the willingness to transform. You must practice this willingness and keeping your heart open in the face of challenges. Once you shift your feelings internally, the external shift will happen.

Now here’s the section that I liked best in this chapter and maybe the most in the entire book. McMillan tells us that if we aren’t married it’s not because we have some horrible fatal flaw that no one will ever be willing to overlook. Something is just out of order and we need to put it back in order. This is really the first time that while reading this book that I didn’t feel like a failure that had been sabotaging my own chance at happiness and for me this is the thesis of the book. There’s nothing wrong with me or any of you. We just need to put something back together that’s slightly broken or regain the natural order within ourselves.

Fear is the biggest factor in things inside of ourselves breaking from their order and whenever you’re experiencing fear, the antidote is love. Give love when you’re experiencing hate or indifference from others and most importantly, give love to yourself (my words, not hers). Men want to be with someone that is happy and when you’re putting love out into the universe it will come back to you. Maybe not in the way you expect or from the person you expect but it will always come back. Namaste.  

A Married Girl's Perspective (Saaara)
This married girl is totally Godless.  I roll my eyes when I hear the words "higher power."  I don't go to church unless it's cause two people are saying I do.  I had to tell my in-laws I didn't want them to say a grace at our wedding.  It's not my fault.  I was raised by two atheists.  When my friend in high school dragged me to her christian youth camp for a weekend, I developed a crush on a guy there, and when I told my dad I wanted to start going every week, he was all: HELL NO.

 But there's something about when you reach your thirties that makes you want a little more spirituality in your life.  Maybe it's because I'm in a constant state of anxiety that everyone I love is going to die or maybe it's because I live in LA and spirituality is the latest health craze.  But little old Godless me was open to Tracy McMillan telling me I need to get a GOD. I know she's saying this to single girls, but she also smartly points out that: "a marriage is a spiritual path.  It is a practice, the practice of being loving to yourself and to a man....Your ability to keep opening your heart in the face of challenges--internal and external-- is going to be the basis of your marriage." Damn straight.

Being married is hard and wonderful at the same time.  I'm always striving to be a better person and significant other (I kind of hate the word "wife") and a lot of times I fail big time.  But maybe I could use the help from a little higher power (eye roll) to make me better.  Or at least make me not feel so bad when I screw up.  I actually love McMi's definition of what a higher power is and her suggestion that you can build one just like you would build-a-bear.  And in some ways, I already had one.  Since my grandma died when I was fourteen, she's always been the person I've talked to or prayed to if you want to call it that.  And then when my other grandma passed away almost two years ago, I imagine/hope they are both together watching out for me.

The last piece of advice that I think is important to throw out there is that McMi does not want us to make men our higher power.  She points out that women who are constantly going from one man to another (mostly shitty guys at that) get all their strength from being in a relationship and that is a NO-NO. That takes us to the book's epilogue.  I'm not saying that McMi is one of those people that make men her higher power, but something about the last two pages of the book rubbed me the wrong way.  Maybe it's cause she needs to add an 11th chapter for me called: you're cynical.  But in the epilogue she tells us she's met an amazing man and that she wrote the book during their relationship, so she was living a lot of the advice she was giving, etc etc.  And while she can't be sure they are going to get married, they ARE talking about it.

At the time she wrote this, they were dating for eight months.  EIGHT MONTHS.  I know she's in her 40s and relationships tend to move faster when you're a little older, and that I was with my husband for six years before we got married which is not the norm, but I just feel like there should be a rule that you don't write about your relationship in your book (and end your acknowledgements with that person's name and how much you love them) if you haven't been dating them for at least a year.  Is she secretly a Tay-Tay?  I don't know, the whole thing just kind of made me want to shake her and say "haven't you learned anything?!"

I'm dying to find out if they are still together.  I like me some McMi and I hope they are.  Otherwise, she should get that shit taken out when she comes out with the second edition. One last thing, after reading this entire book I then made the mistake of watching McMi as a "mentor" on the new NBC reality show Ready For Love.  And just like that, her credibility went out the window.  The show is BAD.  I'm sure somewhere in her book she must have mentioned that you're not going to find a husband on a podunk reality TV show.   But, I do like her hair and her nose ring.


  1. McMi writing her book while fresh into her relationship sounds kind of nuts to me. Am I a pessimist for waiting for her new book, "How to deal with a breakup: he's a bitch" edition?

  2. I question a lot of McMi's advice on "Ready For Love." A lot of it....

  3. I couldn't bring myself to watch last night's episode, any tidbits?

  4. There's a girl in her group that's a virgin...