Monday, May 20, 2013

all the guys I've dated are ugly.

Ladies and gents, I have a new trick for you that will help you in your quest to get over all of the people you've dated.  Any time you find yourself tempted to reminisce and to get all nostalgic over your happiest moments with the ex, picture them as someone much less attractive.  Someone ugly.  Someone borderline deformed. 

Here's what all the guys I've dated now look like to me.  You may or may not have heard about them already, but either way, it's time to put a face to the "name":

My High School Boyfriend:
When we dated, he had long blond hair and was really into death metal.  I broke up with him a few months into my first year at college, but we got back together when I was home for summer vacay, and then he dumped me on Halloween.  He really did sort of have vampire canines which is maybe why he had braces at our ten year high school reunion.  Anyway, we had a good run, but I choose to remember him as Keifer Sutherland in Lost Boys

My college fling:
The guy I dumped my high school boyfriend for.  He was really into his long board and carried a knfe with him everywhere.  He loved animals.  But he was also the whitest guy I've ever hooked up with.  Pale skin, white blond hair.  In reality, he looks a lot like Ben Foster, but in my new reality he looks exactly like Powder.

My fellow Barista:
I just wrote about this guy last week.  The barista I had a crush on that I hooked up with and thought was going to become my boyfriend, but then he left me for a girl he met on tour.  Well, he was totally into punk and anarchy and he had tattoos everywhere which my parents weren't so crazy about.  So...I choose to remember him as Ed Norton in American History X. I like to pretend that instead of an anarchist, he was a white supremacist.  And instead of the words "destiny" and "love" tattooed on his arms, his body was actually covered in Swasticas.  I'll admit, Ed Norton is kind of hot in American History X, but only when he gets out of jail all reformed.   But I'm not talking Ed Norton post prison, I'm talking the guy in the horrific curb stomp scene that still haunts me to this day.  

My other college fling:
The redhead I met while interning at Francis Ford Coppola's short story magazine.  We dated before I moved to New York, but I carried a torch long after that.  (This is the guy that got in the way of me and Powder hooking up years later as told in this post).  He moved to New York eventually, but gave me the tried and true "let's just be friends" speech.  Dick. Just kidding, he wasn't a bad guy, he just didn't like me like that-- which is why I opt to think of him as Eric Stoltz in MASK (I mean, that character was really sweet) instead of the alternative ginger: a Chucky Doll. 

My New York Boyfriend:
He was always a little mentally unstable, which I probably should have figured out when he popped prescription pills during our first brunch together.  He also had terrible hygiene, which was bizarre because he was an OCD germa-phobe.  Overall, he was a good boyfriend and most of my friends really liked him, but there was just something slightly off about him.  And yet, I still got super sad after we broke up.  That's why I like to remember him as Donnie Wahlberg in The Sixth Sense

The Cute Jewish Boy with the Asian Fetish:
It's kind of ridiculous to add this guy to the list, because we dated for maybe a month, but we had enough good banter to last us for six.  This was before I knew that Jewish guys loving Asian girls was a thing.  Unfortunately, he secretly wanted me to be Chinese and I just didn't know how I could make that happen without seriously pissing off my Iranian parents, so I choose to remember him as Woody Allen-- but not cool Woody Allen-- Hasidic Jew Woody Allen.

So, there you have it.  All of the guys I've dated are ugly. Butt ugly. Smelly ugly.  So ugly you almost want to date them, because you feel sorry for them.  Which is the real reason I ever dated any of them in the first place.  What about you guys?  Have you dated a shit-ton of uglies?  If so, comment below!


  1. I'm sorry, I couldn't concentrate anymore after you said that Donnie Wahlberg played Vincent Grey in The Sixth Sense. I just spent about thirty minutes, watching the scene on YouTube again, then searching IMDB, then looking up articles, because surely IMDB must've made a mistake. But, no. I now think Donnie Wahlberg is the greatest boy band actor ever.

  2. How did you not know that was Donnie Wahlberg?! I didn't know while watching the movie for the first time, but it was all the buzz when it came out.